So, Kathy, the Prime Minister saw fit to invite one into the Cabinet
and, well, here one is.
Isn't it a terrific responsibility?
I suppose, if one chooses to dedicate one's life to public service,
responsibility is something one accepts.
- But all this power! - I know, I know!
Frightening sometimes. But it also makes one very humble.
There one sits at the Cabinet table, Number 10 Downing Street, and one realises...
Bernard rang, O humble one.
Central House want you to watch a programme on BBC2.
Maureen Watkins, MP. One of the backbench MPs.
Not my favourite lady. A rampaging feminist. I don't think I'll bother. Don't write that down.
I like Maureen Watkins. Don't you think that women are still the exploited sex?
All of us in 5B think that women are exploited at work and at home
and still it's a world designed by men and run by men for men's convenience.
- Like SHE says. - Not any longer, surely?
- She doesn't carry any weight in the House. - No, it's full of men.
- Thank you. Anything else you'd like to ask? - Just one last question.
As a minister with all this power, what have you personally achieved?
Achieved? Oh, well, all sorts of things.
Membership of the Privy Council, the Party Policy Committee...
No, things you've done that makes life better for other people.
- Makes life better? - Yes.
For other people? There must be a number of things.
That's what one's job is all about. 18 hours a day, 7 days a week.
Could you give me examples?
- Makes it a bit boring otherwise. - Examples.
Difficult to know where to start. So much of government is collective decisions.
All of us together, best minds in the country, hammering it out.
But what will you look back on afterwards and say "I did that."
You know, like a writer can look at his books.
Government is a complex business. So many people have to have their say.
These things take time. Rome wasn't built in a day... Good heavens, is that the time?
I really must be getting my boxes. Excuse me.
- Oh, thank you. - Thank you so much.
Such fun, having this little talk. And you'll let me approve the article, as we agreed?
- Bye. - Bye.
Bright kid.
Last interview I give for a school magazine. She asked some difficult questions.
Just innocent. She assumed there was some moral basis to your activities.
- Well, there is. - Oh, Jim, don't be silly!
- (SIGHS) - What are you sighing for?
I'm not sighing.
(SIGHS)
- Out with it. - Well, what have I achieved? She's right.
- It really does make you humble! - I can't get any bills through.
- The time's taken up for the next two years. - Reform the Civil Service.
- Impossible. Catch 22. - Why?
Supposing I suggested 50 terrific reforms, who would have to implement them?
(BOTH) The Civil Service.
All right, I tell you what.
Not 50 reforms, just one.
Huh! What?
If you achieve one import reform, that'd be something.
Get me in the record books! What do you suggest?
Make them put more women into top jobs.
Women are half the population, they should be half the Permanent Secretaries.
- How many women are there at the top? - Not many.
Equal opportunities.
I'll have a go. After all, there's a principle at stake.
You're going to do something out of pure principle?
- Yes. - Oh, Jim.
Principles are excellent vote winners.
- We don't have to do anything? - No. Paragraphs 1 and 2 are wrong.
And all the other points are covered.
I don't have to make a decision. I don't even have to apologise.
- Can you do a reply for me? - Done it.
Fantastic. Why don't they make more Under-Secretaries like you?
- Anything else, Minister? - No.
Tell me, Sarah, how many women are there at the top of the Civil Service?
No Permanent Secretaries. Four out of 150 Deputy Secretaries.
- What about your grade? Under-Secretary? - There are 27 of us.
- Doesn't sound too bad. Out of how many? - 578.
- But that's appalling! Aren't you appalled? - Not really. I find it comic.
But then I find most of the Civil Service comic. It's run by men, after all.
What can you? What can I do?
- Are you serious, Minister? - Yes.
It's easy. Bring top women from the professions, commerce, industry, straight into the top grades.
The pay is good for women. Long holidays, pensions. You'd get high-quality applicants.
- And they could do the job? - Of course.
With respect, if you can make a journalist MP into a minister,
why can't you make a senior partner from a legal firm into an Under-Secretary?
Most of the work here only needs about two O-levels, anyway.
- Good point. Sarah, thank you very much. - Thank you, Minister.
- You rang, Minister? - Bernard, Sarah told...
- Yes, Minister? - I wish you'd call me Jim when we're alone.
Oh, I'll try to remember that, Minister.
Sarah tells me this complaint is nonsense.
- Oh, fine. So we can CGSM it. - CGSM?
Civil service code. It stands for Consignment of Geriatric Shoe Manufacturers.
Load of old cobblers, Minister.
I'm not a civil servant. I shall use my own code. I shall write "round objects".
Ah, Minister, you wanted a word about staffing?
- Yes, Humphrey. - Morning, Bernard.
I've made a policy decision.
I'm going to do something about the number of women in the Civil Service.
Surely there aren't all that many.
- That's my point. - The Minister thinks we need more.
- Many more. - More?
We're quite well up to establishment on typists, cleaners and tea ladies. Any ideas, Bernard?
- We are a bit short on temporary secretaries. - I'm talking about Permanent Secretaries.
- Permanent... - We need female mandarins.
Sort of satsumas, Minister.
Sit down, will you, Bernard.
- How many Permanent Secretaries are there? - 41, I believe.
- And how many of those are women? - Well, broadly speaking...
Not having the figures to hand, I'm not sure.
- Approximately. - Approximately... none.
None. And I understand there are about 150 Deputy Secretaries. How many are women?
- Well, it's difficult to say. - Why?
There's a lot of old women among the men.
- Four. - Are there really?
I'm going to announce a quota of 25% women Deputy Secretaries and Permanent Secretaries
to be achieved in four years.
Wait a minute, Minister. I'm obviously in total sympathy with your objectives.
- Obviously. - Of course we must have more women.
Of course! All of us are deeply concerned by this apparent imbalance,
but these things take time.
- I want to make a start straight away. - I agree.
I propose we make a start by setting up an inter-departmental committee...
No, no, no. That's not what I meant and you know it.
No delays. This needs a sledgehammer. We must cut through the red tape.
- You can't cut tape with a sledgehammer... - You know what I mean.
Minister, you do me an injustice. I was not about to suggest delays.
- Oh, sorry. - That's all right.
I suggest that, if we are to have 25% quota,
we need a larger intake at the recruitment stage so eventually there'll be 25% in the top jobs.
- When? - (BOTH) In 25 years.
No, Humphrey, you haven't quite got my drift. I mean NOW.
- Oh... you mean, NOW? - Got it in one, Humphrey.
It takes time to do things NOW.
The three articles of Civil Service faith: It takes longer to do things quickly;
it's more expensive to do them cheaply and more democratic to do them in secret.
I have suggested four years. Masses of time.
Oh, dear me, no!
I don't mean political time, I mean real time.
Civil servants are grown like... like oak trees, not mustard and cress.
They bloom and ripen with the seasons, they mature like...
- Like yourself. - Well, I was about to say like an old port.
Like Grimsby, perhaps.
- Yes, I was being serious, Minister. - I foresaw this problem.
I propose we solve it by bringing in top women from outside the service
to fill vacancies in the top jobs.
I...
- I don't think I quite understood. - Watch my mouth, Humphrey.
We will bring in women from outside.
But the strength of the system is that it is pure and unsullied by outside influences.
People move jobs. Why should the Civil Service be different?
It IS different. It demands subtlety.
- Discretion. - Devotion to duty.
- Soundness. - Soundness! Well said, Bernard!
Civil servants require endless patience and boundless understanding.
They need to be able to change horses mid-stream,
as politicians change what they call their minds.
- You have these talents? - Well, it is just that one's been properly...
- Matured. Like Grimsby. - Trained.
Ask yourself if there isn't something wrong with the system.
- Why are there so few women deputies? - They keep leaving to have babies.
- At nearly 50? Surely not. - I don't know. I'm on your side.
- We do need more women at the top. - I'm not waiting 25 years.
- There's a vacancy for Deputy Secretary here. - Ye-es.
- I shall appoint a woman. Sarah Harrison. - Sarah Harrison?!
- I think she's very able, don't you? - Very. For a woman, for a person.
And she is an original thinker.
Yes, that's true, but she doesn't let it interfere with her work.
- What have you got against her? - Nothing. She's excellent.
I'm a supporter of hers.
I advocated her promotion to Under-Secretary at a very early age.
- Would you agree that she is outstanding? - Yes.
- So, on balance, it is a good idea? - On balance... yes and no.
- That's not a very clear answer. - It's a balanced answer.
The point is she's too young and it's not her turn.
I knew you'd say that! This is exactly what's wrong with the Civil Service - Buggins' turn!
- The best people should be promoted! - Exactly! As soon as it's their turn!
Oh, nonsense! Napoleon ruled Europe when he was in his 30s!
- Alexander conquered the world in his 20s. - They'd have made poor Deputy Secretaries.
- They didn't wait their turn! - And look what happened to them.
And look what's happened to us!
Instead of being run by a lot of young, able, energetic men,
this country's being run by tired, cynical 55-year-olds who just want a quiet life!
Had you anyone specific in mind?
Yes and no, Humphrey.
Oh, Minister, Sarah Harrison is an excellent civil servant and a bright hope for the future,
but she is our most junior Under-Secretary and I will not recommend her promotion.
- I think you're a sexist. - Minister, how could you say such a thing?
I'm very pro-women. Wonderful people, women.
Sarah is a dear lady. I'm one of her greatest admirers.
But, if the cause of women is to be advanced, it must be done with care, tact and discretion.
She is our only woman contender for a top job. We mustn't push her too fast.
- Women find top jobs very difficult. - Can you hear yourself?
If women could be good Permanent Secretaries, there would be more of them. Stands to reason.
- No... - I'm not anti-feminist! I love women!
Some of my best friends are women!
Er... my wife, indeed.
But Sarah is as yet very inexperienced and her children are still of school age.
- They might get mumps! - You might get shingles!
I might indeed if you continue in this vein. What if her children caused her to miss work?
Would she have reached Under-Secretary in that case? She is the best person!
If you promote women just because they're the best person,
you will create a lot of resentment throughout the Civil Service!
- Not from the women in it. - Well, that hardly matters, does it?
Hardly matters?
There are so few of them.
I've told him women are different, but he can't grasp it.
They put such strains on a team.
They react differently. They're so emotional. Not rational like us.
No. It's hopeless when you tell them off. Either they get into a frightful bate or start blubbing.
And if they're not the sort who blub, they become frightfully hard and butch.
Not the least bit attractive.
- They're full of prejudices. - Make silly generalisations.
- They think in stereotypes. - (BOTH) Mmm.
Arnold, what do you think I should do?
Lecture him at such length on the matter that he becomes bored
and loses interest in the idea.
Yes, might work. Mind you, he doesn't get bored easily.
- He even finds himself interesting. - They all do.
- All the ones who listen to what we're saying. - Not many of those.
The standard second ploy is to tell him the unions won't wear it.
- They'd like it. - That's beside the point.
- Oh, yes, sorry. - What does his wife think about all this?
I gather she's in favour of promoting Harrison. In fact, she may be behind it.
I see. Does she know that Sarah Harrison is rather attractive?
No, I don't think they've ever met...
Good idea.
We must mobilise the Cabinet against this quota nonsense.
- They'll be in favour of it. - We can get them to change their minds.
- They change their minds fairly easily. - Just like a lot of women!
Thank God they don't blub!
Minister, I have come to the conclusion that you were right.
- Are you being serious? - Yes, indeed.
I have taken your ideas on board and I am now positively against discrimination against women
and in favour of positive discrimination - discriminating discrimination, of course.
Yes... I think I've got that.
The view is, at the very highest level, that this should happen.
- Good. - However...
There is a problem about the quota. Mind if I sit down? The unions won't wear it.
- Really? Let's have 'em in. We'll talk about it. - Er... no, Minister.
- That would... just stir up a hornets' nest. - Why?
Well, if I might suggest... that we be realistic about this.
- By realistic, you mean drop the whole scheme. - Oh, dear me, no!
But, perhaps, a pause to re-group.
A lull in which to reassess the situation and discuss alternative strategies.
A space of time for reflection and deliberation.
You mean drop the whole scheme.
No, I've set my hand to the plough, I've made the decision.
We shall have a 25% quota of women within the next four years
and, to make a start, I shall appoint Sarah Harrison.
- I promise you, that is the wrong decision. - Principle, Humphrey, principle.
I'm sure my Cabinet colleagues will support me. There's a lot of votes in women's rights.
Votes? I thought you said it was a matter of principle.
For ME. I was talking about them.
- (PHONE RINGS) - Yes?
- Mrs Hacker's here. - Send her in.
Could she come in? Could you sign the letters before you go, Minister?
- Hello. Get Humphrey to give you a drink. - Sherry?
Remember that letter you wrote "round objects" on?
Sir Humphrey has commented on it.
- What's he say? - "Who is Round and to what does he object?"
Here you are. Your very good health.
Yes, it's a slow business changing the Civil Service.
What about promoting this woman Jim was talking about?
Oh, yes, well... your husband certainly has an eye for talent and Sarah's very talented.
- Quite delightful, real charmer. Cheers. - Really?
I very much admire this new generation of women civil servants
compared to the old battle-axes I remember!
Of course, they're not all as beautiful as Sarah, but... they do manage to keep their femininity.
- Jim never discussed what she looks like. - Oh, well, perhaps he hasn't noticed.
I find that hard to believe. He does spend a lot of time with her.
And even more... if she's promoted. Shall we sit down?
And so, gentlemen, my minister is set on creating a quota of 25% women,
leading to an eventual 50%.
- Parity, I see. - Yes. Mm.
It seems right and proper to me that men and women be treated fairly and equally.
I speak for all of us when I say that, in principle,
there should be such targets set and goals achieved.
(MURMURS OF AGREEMENT)
- Bill? - Well, I'm fully in favour of this idea.
We must have positive discrimination in favour of women.
It wouldn't work with the Foreign Office.
We couldn't post women ambassadors to Iran or Muslim nations.
- No, quite, quite. - The Third World is not so advanced as us.
And as we have to send diplomats to new postings every three years,
this idea is obviously not for us, but I do approve the principle.
- Neil? - I'm in favour of it.
I think we need the feminine touch.
Women are better at handling some problems than men. No doubt about it.
We would have to make an exception in the Home Office.
Women are not the right people to run prisons or the police.
Quite probably, they wouldn't want to do it, anyway.
- But you do agree with the principle? - Oh, yes, without question.
- Peter? - Yes, the same applies to Defence... alas.
All those admirals and generals.
It wouldn't be possible to appoint a woman as Head of Security.
M would have to become F.
Yes, Defence is clearly a man's world, like Industry and Employment.
All those trade union leaders!
But what about the DHSS? John?
I'm happy to say woman are well represented near the top of the DHSS.
After all, we have two of the four Deputy Secretaries in Whitehall.
Not eligible for Permanent Secretary because they're Deputy Chief Medical Officers.
I'm not sure they're really suitable. No, that's unfair.
Of course, women are 80% of our clerical staff and 99% of the typing grades.
We're not doing too badly. In principle, I'm in favour of them going to the top.
Good, good.
The feeling of the meeting is, in principle, that we're all in favour
of equal rights for the ladies,
but there are special problems in individual departments.
- (ALL) Hear hear! - What about this question of the quota?
- Frankly, I'm against it. - (ALL) Oh, yes, not on!
We must, in my view, have the right to promote the best man for the job,
regardless of sex.
Speaking as an ardent feminist myself,
I think the problem lies in recruiting the right sort of women.
Married women with families drop out
because they cannot give their work their full, single-minded attention.
Unmarried women with no children
are not fully-rounded people with a thorough understanding of life.
So, in practice, it's rarely possible to find a fully-rounded married woman,
with a happy home and three children, prepared to devote virtually her whole life to a department.
It's Catch 22, really. Well, Catch 22, sub-paragraph A!
I think we must ensure that our respective ministers oppose this quota idea in Cabinet
by drawing our own minister's attention to each department's special problems.
But we will recommend the principle of equal opportunities at every level.
(MURMURS OF AGREEMENT)
May I suggest one more thing?
My minister sees the promotion of women as a means of creating greater diversity
at the top of the service.
We should stress to our ministers that, frankly, you couldn't find a more diverse lot than us.
- (ALL) Absolutely! - A real cross-section of the nation.
Ah, Minister, how was Cabinet?
- Bit odd, actually. - Why?
We were talking about the top jobs quota for women.
- Was it agreed? - That's what's so odd.
They all agreed in principle, but then said it wouldn't work in their own departments.
- They didn't support me at all. - Extraordinary.
And I'm not getting support from Annie.
- Really? What, about this quota? - Well, about promoting Sarah.
- You'd think she'd be 100% behind it. - Indeed.
She goes sort of distant when I mention it.
- Dead against it now. - Even more extraordinary.
Oh, well, seems the only thing left.
- Something I can achieve. - Yes, indeed.
Shall I ask Mrs Harrison to come in? Bernard, would you be kind enough?
At least this is something I can say I have done.
- Indeed. - Lighting a spark.
Carrying a torch, even.
Ah, Sarah, do sit down.
- Thank you. - Humphrey.
Sarah, as you know, there is a vacancy for a Deputy Secretary in this department.
In spite of you being the most junior Under-Secretary,
but because you are the outstanding person,
Sir Humphrey and I will recommend you for promotion to the grade of Deputy Secretary.
I... I don't know what to say.
- No need to say anything. - A single thank you should suffice.
No... Well... I mean...
Oh, gosh. Look, this is awfully embarrassing. I mean...
Well, I was going to tell you this week. I'm resigning from the Civil Service.
- What? - Resigning?
Yes, so... thank you, but no, thank you.
- Some problem at home with your children? - Mumps?
No, I'm joining a merchant bank... as a director.
Sarah... I won't conceal from you the fact that this is a blow.
The reason Humphrey and I decided to recommend you
is that I've been fighting a losing battle to improve promotion prospects for women.
You were to be my, so to speak, Trojan horse.
Quite honestly, Minister, I want a job where I don't spend endless hours
circulating information about subjects that don't matter to people who aren't interested.
I want a job where there's achievement rather than merely activity. I'm tired of pushing paper.
I want to point to something and say "I did that."
I don't understand.
I know. That's why I'm leaving.
You're not saying the government is unimportant?
No, it's very important. It's just that I haven't met anyone who's doing it.
Also I've had enough of the pointless intrigue.
- Intrigue? - You know the sort of thing.
Like this women's rights nonsense. Your using me as a Trojan horse, for instance.
They probably said the unions wouldn't wear it if you promoted me.
- How did you know that? - I didn't. I just know how things are done.
You don't realise I've fought quite a battle for you.
Oh, have you? I didn't ask you to fight a battle for me.
I'm not pleased at being part of a 25% quota.
Women are not inferior beings and I don't enjoy being patronised.
I'm afraid you're just as paternalist and chauvinist as the rest of them.
I'm going somewhere where I shall be accepted an equal, as a person.
You can't win, can you?
- May I go now? - Hm? Yes, of course.
I'm sorry I offended you, though I can't remember how I did.
No.
And thank you. I know you both mean well.
Women!
Yes, Minister.
The main news this Thursday pm is the big government re-shuffle.
I have with me, to discuss his new empire,
the Minister for Administrative Affairs, the Right Honourable James Hacker.
It's been said that you are now Mr Town Hall as well as Mr Whitehall.
Well, it's very flattering of you to put it that way.
It wasn't me who put it that way, it was the Daily Mirror.
I just wanted to confirm that you are now this country's chief bureaucrat.
That's nonsense. This government believes in reducing bureaucracy.
Figures I have here say that your department's staff has risen by 10%.
- Certainly not. - What figure do you have?
I believe the figure is much more like 9.97.
Well, it has been suggested that your department is less interested
in reducing bureaucracy than in increasing it.
Well, yes, but that's because we've had to take on more staff in order to reduce staff.
- I beg your pardon? - It's common sense.
We need more doctors to cure more patients, more firemen to extinguish more fires.
How will you extinguish local government bureaucracy?
It's a challenge I'm looking forward to.
Would you agree there's even more bureaucratic waste there than in Whitehall?
- Yes, that's what makes it a challenge. - How will you meet the challenge?
It's far too early to give detailed proposals. I've just come here direct from Number 10.
From number 9.97, perhaps!
The broad strategy is to cut ruthlessly at waste while leaving essential services intact.
That's what your predecessor said. Did he fail?
Let me finish. Because we must be absolutely clear and I'm going to be quite frank with you.
The fact is that, at the end of the day, it is the right, the duty,
of the elected government in the House of Commons
to ensure government policy, the policies on which we were elected
and for which we have a mandate, the policies for which the people voted,
are the policies which, finally, when the national cake has been divided up...
And may I remind you we, as a nation, don't have unlimited wealth?
We can't pay ourselves more than we earn.
...are the policies...
I'm sorry, what was the question again?
I was just asking you whether you would agree that your predecessor had failed.
Certainly not. On the contrary.
It's just that this job is an enormous...
- Challenge? - Exactly!
Incidentally, I heard your chap on the radio yesterday, Humpy.
- Mm? - Mm.
He sounded as if he wanted to DO things about your new local government remit.
He kept calling it a challenge.
- Congratulations. - Very kind.
You may soon be even more important than Arnold!
- Yes, I expect... Er, no, no, no, no, no. - I do want to be quite clear about this.
I'd never have given you local government if I'd thought you'd let Hacker do anything.
- He won't be able to. Nobody else has. - That's not the point, Humpy.
We've found in the past that all local government reforms rebound on us.
When anybody finds a way of saving money or cutting staff in local government,
it works for Whitehall just as well.
Yes, but local government is extravagant, overstaffed, incompetent, whereas we...
- Exactly so. - I know my duty, Arnold.
If he needs something to keep him busy, you know what to do?
Get him to look into civil defence.
- Civil defence? You mean fallout shelters? - Yes.
Governments long ago decided civil defence was not a serious issue.
Merely a desperate one!
It's best left to those whose incompetence can be relied upon.
Local authorities!
But the highest duty of government is to protect its citizens.
Presumably that's why they leave it to the borough councils!
Thank you, gentlemen.
Can I have a word about a proposal I worked out before we were transferred to this department?
- And you are? - I am... what?
- Yes, you are what? - What?
- I am Dr Cartwright.
If I may put it another way, what are you?
I'm C of E.
The Minister means, what function do you perform in the department?
- Don't you know? - Yes, I know, but the Minister wants to know.
I'm a professional economist. Director of Local Administration Statistics.
You ran the Local Authority Directorate before we took over.
Dear me, no. Sir Gordon Reid was the Permanent Secretary.
I'm just Under-Secretary rank. I fear I shall rise no higher.
- Why not? - Alas, I'm an expert.
- On what? - On the whole thing.
- It's all in here. - What's this all about?
Controlling council expenditure.
I'm proposing that all council officials responsible for a new project
list their criteria for failure before getting the go-ahead.
- What do you mean? - It's a basic scientific approach.
You must establish a method of measuring the success or failure of an experiment.
When it's completed, you know if it's succeeded or failed.
A proposer states "This scheme would fail if it lasts longer than this
"or costs more than that, if it employs more staff than these
"or fails to meet pre-set standards."
- Fantastic! You could never make it work. - 'Course you can. It's all in there.
This is my top priority reading. Why hasn't it been done before?
I can't understand. I put it up several times and it was always welcomed most warmly.
- But there was always something more urgent on. - Well, you've come to the right place this time.
Thank you, Minister.
This is marvellous, isn't it, Bernard?
Isn't it, Bernard?
Oh, yes. Well, it's... er... That is, it's... um... very well presented.
- Humphrey will be fascinated. - He's on his way here.
- He'll give his views. - What are you saying?
Yes, well, as I say, I think that he'll think that it's beautifully... typed.
- Ah, Minister. - Ah, Humphrey, come in.
- Sit down. - Thank you, Minister.
Now, local authorities. What are we going to do?
Minister, this new remit gives you more influence, more Cabinet seniority.
But do not let it give you any more work or worry. That would be foolishness.
We've got to stop this appalling waste and extravagance.
Why?
- Why? - Yes, why?
Well, it's my job. We're the government. We were elected to govern.
Oh, really, Minister.
Surely you won't tamper with the democratic rights of freely-elected local representatives?
Well... no, of course not.
But local government isn't democratic. Local democracy's a farce!
Most people don't know who their councillor is. They never vote in a local election.
Those who do regard it as a popularity poll for the government here.
Local councillors are accountable to nobody.
They're public-spirited citizens selflessly sacrificing their spare time.
- Ever met any? - When there was no alternative.
They're either busybodies on an ego trip or in it for what they can get out of it.
Perhaps they ought to be in the House of Commons.
Er, I mean, to see how a proper legislative assembly behaves.
- I'm going to get a grip on them. I have a plan. - You have a plan?
Yes.
I'm going to insist that any local official who puts up a plan costing more than...
...say... £10,000 must accompany it with failure standards.
- With what?! - With a statement saying he will have failed
if his project does not achieve certain... pre-set results...
...or exceeds... fixed time or staff or budget limits.
Where did you get the idea for this dangerous nonsense?
From someone... in the department.
I have warned you before about the danger of speaking to people in the department!
I implore you to stay out of the minefield of local government. It is a political graveyard.
Excuse me, Sir Humphrey, you cannot have a graveyard in a minefield
because all the corpses would... powww!
- You got me this job, you said. - But I didn't expect you to do anything.
I mean, you've never done anything before!
- Humphrey, I am deaf to your complaints. - Please, I beg you...
No, no, no, no, Humphrey. I want specific proposals straight away.
And immediate plans for their implementation by local government. What's the fuss about?
I'm only proposing failure standards for local government, not Whitehall.
- Though come to think of it... - If you insist on interfering in local government,
may I make a suggestion that could prove a vote winner?
Humphrey, I want to hear no more about...
Vote winner?
An area of local government that needs urgent attention.
- What? - Civil defence.
You mean fallout shelters? Surely they're just a joke.
Precisely, Minister. At the moment, they are a joke.
Local authorities are dragging their feet, but the highest duty of any government
is to protect its citizens.
Some think building shelters makes nuclear war more likely.
If you have the weapons, you need the shelters.
- Sometimes wonder why we need the weapons. - Minister, you're not a unilateralist?
- Well... I sometimes wonder. - Then you must resign from the government!
Ah, no, no, no, no, no, no. I'm not THAT unilateralist.
- America will protect us from the Russians. - Who's talking about the Russians?
- Well, the independent deterrent. - It's to protect us against the French!
The French?
- But that's astounding! - Why?
- Well, they're our allies, our partners. - They are NOW.
But they've been our enemies for most of the past 900 years.
If they've got the bomb, we must have the bomb!
If it's for the French, of course, that's different. Makes a lot of sense.
- Yes. Can't trust the Frogs. - You can say that again!
There is increasing public concern about the bomb.
If I were to be seen to be doing something about it... I see what you mean.
Ludovic Kennedy is preparing a BBC documentary on civil defence
likely to be critical of the current situation.
If you were seen to be taking decisive measures...
Right, yes.
I always handle Ludo so frightfully well.
- Right, well, where do we start? - Just a suggestion.
The London Borough of Thames Marsh spends less on civil defence than any other authority.
Hm. A ministerial visit, do you think?
That's Ben Stanley's borough - the one with the wispy moustache, who the press all hate.
Good point. Get onto it straight away. Get Bill to make sure the press knows about this visit.
Tell them I lie awake at night worrying about the defenceless citizens of Thames Marsh.
Do you, Minister?
Well, I will now.
What makes you think you can come swanning down here from Whitehall
and tell us how to run our borough?
I'm not swanning down from Whitehall.
I'm asking you why you've done less than any other borough
to protect the people who elected you?
- Simple. We can't find the money. - Why don't you try looking for it?
Oh, that's great! Stop school meals, buy no textbooks?
- Turn OAPs out into the cold? - I can tell you where to find it.
- You can? - Yes.
Tell him, Dr Cartwright.
Scrap the plans for the new exhibition centre with the artificial ski slope and jacuzzi pool.
Close the Feminist Drama Centre,
the council's weekly newspaper and magazine and the Welfare Rights Research Department.
You can halve the members' entertainments allowance,
sell the Mayor's second Daimler, postpone the building of the new town hall,
and cancel the 20 councillors' tourism fact-finding mission to Jamaica.
And close the Gay Bereavement Centre.
That'll save £21 millions on capital account and £750,000 a year on revenue account.
Revenue account.
- That's just stupid! - Why?
Well, it's depriving the disadvantaged of indispensable services!
- Jacuzzi pools? - I don't care if we can afford a shelter.
This is a unilateralist borough. We do not believe in nuclear war.
I don't believe in it either, but the provision of shelters is government policy.
It is not Thames Marsh policy. Thames Marsh has no quarrel with the USSR.
It's not just the USSR we're frightened of. It could be the Fre...
- The who? - The... frigging Chinese!
If the Russians do invade us, I suppose they'll say,
"Hold on, we're not at war with Thames Marsh. Right, comrades, let's annex Chelsea instead."
Excuse me, Minister. I think you may be interested in...
Mr Stanley, it appears that you would not be called upon to make the supreme sacrifice.
- What do you mean? - Is there a shelter under the town hall?
Well, is there?
- We didn't build it! - You maintain it.
- It's only a small one. - And there is a place in it for you?
I was persuaded, with deep reluctance, that my preservation was a necessity
in the interests of the ratepayers of Thames Marsh.
And what provision have you made for other essential persons? Doctors, nurses, firemen.
People who might be almost as important as councillors.
One of them's a chemist!
Great. Nothing like aspirin for the nuclear holocaust.
Your chap had quite a publicity triumph down at Thames Marsh, didn't he?
- Oh, yes, tremendous. - You don't sound appropriately happy for him.
- Trouble is he thinks he's achieved something. - Splendid.
Life is so much easier when ministers think they've achieved something.
Stops them fretting. No tantrums.
Now he wants to introduce his next idea.
A minister with two ideas. I can't remember when we last had one of those.
Oh, it's not his own.
He wants to introduce failure standards on all council contracts over £10,000
and make a named official responsible.
- Humphrey! - I know.
Cartwright's idiot scheme! I thought Gordon had squashed it.
He's come over to us now. Slipped the scheme to the minister privately, under plain cover!
It'll be us next. Once you specify in advance what a project's supposed to achieve
and whose responsibility it is to see that it does, the entire system collapses.
You're into the squalid world of professional management.
I know. I've tried to explain to him.
I have pointed out that his new responsibilities were for enjoying, not exercising. I don't know.
We move our officials round every 2 or 3 years to stop this personal responsibility nonsense.
If this happened, we'd be posting everybody once a fortnight.
He must be stopped. What's his next little publicity trip?
Well, tomorrow he's living his little triumph over again.
He's recording a TV interview with Ludovic Kennedy. A documentary on civil defence.
Supposing he had a dossier on the curious ways in which local councillors
spend their civil defence budgets.
- How would that help? - I've got an idea.
Perhaps you ought to become a minister!
Um... just a joke, Arnold.
Stand by, studio. We're about to record.
A change for a minister to be given a chance to talk about something that's a success.
Most unusual for the BBC. Is this a change of policy?
...2... 1.
You've been claiming recently that in your dealings with local authority,
you've been making progress as regards civil defence.
Surely this has been more in the field of publicity than any achievement?
No, no, no, no, Ludo.
Authorities are being made to face up to these issues
because of the interest we have generated.
You're agreeing. Your success has been a publicity success.
Well, yes, but things are changing.
- Well, what about Thames Marsh? - Ah, Thames Marsh. Good example.
As I said in the press, they have one shelter.
A place in it is reserved for Ben Stanley, council leader,
who refuses to build shelters for others.
Don't you think that's hypocritical?
Surely it's reasonable to expect that one of our elected representatives should survive.
- Who is to govern otherwise? - In the event of a nuclear holocaust -
and, of course, we all pray that such a thing will never happen -
there are perhaps more important people than mere politicians.
Doctors, nurses, ambulance men, and so on. All people who run essential services.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but is it not a fact that the PM and Home Secretary
have places reserved for them in government fallout shelters?
That is completely different.
How?
Well, there has to be someone to... run the... you know.
Minister, you're saying political leaders should give up their places for doctors and nurses.
Have you put this idea to the PM and the Home Secretary?
I think we ought to be careful not to trivialise what is a very serious issue, Ludovic.
I'll give you another example. I know of a borough which sent councillors,
at the ratepayers' expensive, to California to look at shelters.
But they couldn't do anything about it
because they'd spent the entire civil defence budget for three whole years on the trip!
- How shocking. - Shocking.
Thank you, Minister. By the way, how did the recording go?
Well, I got into a bit of bother over Ben Stanley's bunker.
I said politicians weren't as important as doctors and so on.
Did you?
Then he said "What about the PM's place in the government shelter?"
- And what did you say? - I got out of it.
Quite cleverly, actually.
I'm not too sure how happy the PM will be about it.
Then I recovered with a marvellous story about some councillors
who went to California to look at shelters
and spent three entire years of the civil defence budget on the jaunt!
- May I ask where that came from? - Yes. Where did that come from?
From the Civil Defence Directorate. They knew you were doing the interview.
Oh, well. Anyway, Minister, I'm sure you know what you're doing.
Humphrey... you only say that when I've made an appalling cock-up.
You do know the borough in question contains the PM's constituency...
...and that the PM's election agent was the councillor who led the delegation?
- That was just a joke, wasn't it? - Number 10 have been trying to keep it quiet.
- Oh, well, truth will out. - No, no, no!
No, no, no, it mustn't out. It might look like a personal attack.
You know what the PM's like about loyalty. This interview must not go out.
Well, unfortunately, I haven't the time, I must be going.
Humphrey, I... I... I... I'm ordering you, Humphrey.
- Alas, your orders are calling me away. - What do you mean?
Your scheme for imposing failure standards on local councils is very complex.
You asked for proposals straight away. It's taking every moment of my time.
Much as I would like to help.
However... if implementing failure standards were not quite so urgent...
You mean, you can stop this broadcast?
Now, Minister, we cannot censor the BBC,
but I happen to be lunching with the BBC's Director of Policy.
- Perhaps you'd care to join us. - But if we can't censor them...
We could persuade them to withdraw programmes voluntarily
once they realise that transmission is not in the public interest.
Well, it's not in MY interest... and I represent the public, so it's not in the public interest.
That's a novel argument.
We haven't tried that on them before. Have we?
The BBC cannot give in to government pressure.
- Let's leave that on one side... - No, no!
Let's leave that on one side, shall we? Please, Minister.
Frank, could I raise something else?
There is considerable disquiet about the BBC's attitude and hostility towards the government.
- But that's absurd. - Is it?
They've been documenting instances of bias in BBC current affairs.
Favourable news stories not reported.
Oh, yes. Excessive publicity for other countries' cases against Britain.
Especially our Common Market enemies...
...um... partners.
Oh, yes.
Jokes against the Prime Minister.
Unnecessary publicity for anti-government demonstrations.
And ministers' programme suggestions not accepted.
- I had no room in my case for the others. - I'm sure we have answers to all these.
The BBC's always got answers. Silly ones.
Yes, of course. I thought it fair to warn you that questions are being asked.
- What sort of questions? - Well, for example,
were Parliament to be televised, whether it shouldn't be entrusted to ITV.
- You can't be serious? - And whether the BBC administration
is making the cuts in jobs and premises that we've endured in government.
Should a select committee scrutinise BBC expenditure?
- That would be an intolerable intrusion. - Well, of course.
Then there's this extraordinary matter of boxes at Ascot, Wimbledon, Lords, Covent Garden.
Ah, yes, those are a technical requirement for the production and engineering staff.
Reports from the Inland Revenue suggest that the production and engineering staff
are all holding champagne glasses.
And are all accompanied by their wives or...
...ladies of... equal distinction.
And all bear a remarkable similarity
to governors, directors and executives of the Corporation, and their friends.
Oh, I say, you've come out very well.
It is possible we can contain all this criticism, provided the files don't get any larger.
I've urged my minister that there's no need to take up the civil defence issue formally.
But... But you must see my position.
- The BBC can't give in to government pressure. - We wouldn't want them to.
- Wouldn't we? - No, of course not.
The minister's interview with Ludovic Kennedy did contain factual errors.
Factual errors? That's different. The BBC couldn't give in to government pressure.
- Absolutely not. - But we set great store by factual accuracy.
Some of the information might well be out of date by the time...
Out of date? Ah, now, that's serious.
Obviously, the BBC couldn't give in to government pressure.
- Oh, indeed not. - But we can't transmit out-of-date material.
And since the recording, I realised that I made one or two slips
that might have security implications.
- Such as? - He can't tell you what they are.
- Why not? - Security.
Can't be too careful about security.
If the defence of the realm is at stake, we must be responsible.
Obviously, the BBC couldn't give in to government pressure,
but security - you can't be too careful.
- Can't be too careful. - Can't be too careful.
If there are inaccuracies and security worries, the BBC wouldn't want to put the interview out.
- Precisely. - That puts a different complexion on it.
Transmission would not be in the public's interest, but I must make one thing absolutely clear.
There can be absolutely no question of the BBC ever giving in to government pressure.
Oh, good news, Minister.
The BBC have decided not to send out your interview with Ludovic Kennedy.
- Really? - They felt that was the responsible course.
- Well done. - Oh, it was nothing.
Yet, you know, I can't help feeling
that I was trapped into saying those things that might've embarrassed the PM.
- Surely not? - Yes.
- I think I was dropped right in it. - How could you think such a ridiculous thought?
Why is it ridiculous to imagine that he would've tried to trap me?
Who?
Ludovic Kennedy.
Oh, Ludovic Kennedy tried to trap you. Yes, well, I'm sure he did.
- Deceitful crowd, the media. Underhand. - No, thoroughly deceitful.
By the way, I think it might be wise to lay off the local councils.
Oh, yes?
After all, councillors are responsible, sensible people on the whole.
- And they are democratically elected. - Democratically elected.
Central government must be frightfully careful before it tells them how to do their jobs.
Frightfully careful. And the failure standards?
Well, I think the same applies... don't you?
Yes, Minister.
Item 7. What is item 7?
Well, if I may just recapitulate...
- Ahem. - Sorry, Minister.
You can't actually recapitulate an item if you haven't started it yet.
Thank you. Where would we be without you? May I continue?
Recapitulating on our last meeting and the minutes, which you doubtless received...
Doubtless, yes, yes.
Er... what minutes, Humphrey?
Disciplinary action against the South Derbyshire local authority.
Ah, yes... Will you remind me, Bernard?
They failed to complete their statutory returns and supply us with statistical information.
- What'll we do? - The action we can take?
A rebuke from the minister, press statement about their incompetence,
the withholding of grants or ultimately, as you are fully aware...
Yes, of course.
Good.
I'm fully aware of what?
- What? - What am I fully aware of?
- Um... I can't think of anything. I mean... - You said, ultimately, as I am fully...
Ultimately, taking the local authority to court. Sorry.
Is it that serious?
- Serious? It's catastrophic! - Why?
If local authorities don't send us statistics, government figures will be a nonsense.
- They'll be incomplete. - Government figures are a nonsense, anyway.
I think Sir Humphrey wants to ensure they're a complete nonsense.
I mean... er...
Why should we make an example of South Derbyshire?
Do you object because the council's controlled by your party?
Oh, no, no, no.
No, no, no. But couldn't we just... pick on an opposition council?
- Oh, Minister! - Is South Derbyshire all that bad?
Terrible! They won't return their blue forms!
They haven't completed last year's employment trends questionnaire!
They replied to our ethnic personnel breakdown request in longhand
on the back of a departmental circular!
We haven't had their social worker revised analysis for the last two quarters
or their data-processing appropriation tables!
They're unbelievable! Really evil!
What, because they won't return their forms in triplicate?
I don't see how life can go on in Derbyshire!
Exactly, Minister. They really are in a class of their own for incompetence.
- Have they no redeeming features? - It is fascinating...
If that's all right, we can take coercive action.
- The minister might like to know... - You approve?
- Yes, it's a difficult one. They're friends. - They are no friends of good administration.
Well, give me 24 hours. I'll have to square the party organisation.
Get the chairman invited to one of those drinky-do's at Number 10.
- Soften the blow. Right, anything else? - No, I think that seems to be all.
Richard, I need your advice, if you can spare a moment.
Bernard, I'm not happy about...
- (DOOR CLOSES) ...disciplining South Derbyshire.
- Why not, Minister? - Instinct.
Dr Cartwright seemed to be trying to tell me something. I think I'll drop in on him.
- I wouldn't do that. - Why not?
If ministers want to know anything, it will be brought to their notice.
If they go out looking for information, they might...
- Find it? - Yes.
Sir Humphrey does not take kindly to ministers dropping in on people.
- Going walkabout, he calls it. - The Queen does it.
She doesn't drop in on Under-Secretaries, not in Sir Humphrey's department.
- What's his room number? - I must advise you against this.
- Advice noted. - Room 4017.
Down one flight, second corridor on the left.
If I'm not back in 48 hours, send out a search party!
Hello, Graham, it's Bernard. Tell Sir Humphrey that the Minister's just gone walkabout.
Yes, yes, AWOL.
Well, of course I told him, yes.
I know. I think you'd better let him know right away.
One... two... three... four... five...
...six... seven... eight... nine... TEN.
What's all this about?
The minister's just left the office, that's all.
That's all? Do you mean he's loose in the building?
- Why didn't you warn me? - I did advise him, but he is the minister.
There's no prohibition against ministers talking to their staff.
- Who's he talking to? - Perhaps he was just restless.
If the minister's restless, he can feed the ducks in St James's Park!
- Yes, Sir Humphrey. - Tell me who the minister's talking to.
Well, surely the minister can talk to anyone.
Bernard... I'm in the middle of writing your annual report.
Now, it is not a responsibility that either of us would wish me to discharge
whilst I am in a bad temper.
Who's the minister talking to?
Perhaps you could help me. I can see that you should know if he calls on an outsider.
I fail to see why you should be informed if he just wants to, to take a hypothetical example,
to... check a point with... Dr Cartwright...
Thank you, Bernard. Must fly.
- Room 4017. - I know.
Are those things about South Derbyshire true?
- They may be. - What are you saying?
I'm saying that South Derbyshire is the most efficient local authority in the UK.
- I'm meant to tick them off for being the least. - Look at the figures.
- I thought they didn't send us any. - No.
But they keep their own records perfectly well. I'm going on those.
They've got the lowest truancy record in the Midlands.
The lowest admin cost per council house. The lowest ratio of council workers to rate income.
The lowest number of environmental health officers.
- What are environmental health officers? - Rat-catchers.
Virtually all children can read and write, even though they've had a progressive education.
They've got the smallest establishment of social workers in the UK.
- Is that supposed to be a good thing? - Oh, yes. Sign of efficiency.
Parkinson's Law of Social Work, you see.
Social problems increase to occupy the number of social workers available to deal with them.
- And all these figures are OK? - Yes, I assure you.
Richard, I wonder if I...
Good heavens, Minister.
- Humphrey, what a coincidence. - Yes, indeed, what a surprise!
- Yes. - Yes.
I was just... passing.
- Passing? - Yes, passing.
- Oh, passing. And where were you going? - I was just going... past.
Past the door. Cartwright's... Richard's door.
And I thought..."Hello..."
Did you think anything further?
Yes, I thought, "Why should I pass the door? Why not open it?"
- Good thinking, that's what doors are for. - Right.
- There were some points I wanted to clear up. - Oh, good, good. What points?
- Just a couple of odd points. - Couple of odd points.
- How odd? - Oh... not all that odd.
- We just had a meeting. - Could I have a word with you?
- Yes, of course, as soon as... - No, I mean now.
- All right, carry on. - No, upstairs in your office.
- I'm sure Richard doesn't mind. - No, upstairs.
I'm sure that Dr Cartwright can spare you for a few moments. Thank you, Richard. Minister.
(LIFT PINGS)
You may go, Bernard.
- Minister, what was all that in aid of? - I have learnt some interesting facts.
- I hope it does not happen again. - I beg your pardon?
- You cannot speak to people in the department. - Why not?
How can I advise you if I don't know what's said?
I must know what is going on. You cannot have private conversations!
- You may be told things that are not true! - You can put me right.
But they may be true!
Not entirely false, but misleading, open to misinterpretation.
- You're trying to keep things from me. - Absolutely not, Minister.
Minutes must be taken, records must be kept. You won't be here for ever, nor will we.
In years to come... If Cartwright were moved tomorrow, how could we check information?
- Cartwright won't be moved tomorrow. - Oh, really?
- Alex Andrews from the Mail to see you. - Ah, hang on. I'd like you to minute this.
Everything must be minuted, you know. Sit down, won't you, Humphrey?
- Now... South Derbyshire Council... - Just a minute.
Yes, that's what I said. South Derbyshire.
Dr Cartwright said it is the most efficient council in Britain.
- Inefficient, I think he means. - Efficient, Humphrey.
Economical, effective. Just not interested in sending bits of blue paper to Whitehall.
- But they have to send them. - Why?
- It is a statutory requirement. - And if they don't, Britain carries on.
- South Derbyshire carries on. - But if they don't send us the information,
the plans and the requests for permission, well, what are we here for?
Good question. What ARE we here for?
To collate information, inspects plans, and withhold or grant permission.
- And if we didn't? - I'm sorry, Minister, I don't understand.
If we weren't here and we didn't do it, what then?
- I'm sorry, you've lost me. - You're concerned more with means than ends.
There are no ends in administration, Minister, except loose ends. Administration is eternal!
- For ever and ever. - (HUMPHREY AND BERNARD) Amen!
Because there are no ends, they talk about government circles.
Exactly, Bernard, which is what we're going round in!
I won't discipline South Derbyshire. I'd look a complete idiot.
I'm sorry, Minister, but it's your job.
To discipline South Derbyshire. You have no alternative.
- The Treasury and the Cabinet Office insist. - I cannot agree to this. Not today, anyhow.
- Tomorrow, then. - No!
I'm sorry, you don't seem to understand.
It is not up to you or to me. It is the law.
- Minister, I think you ought to talk to the Mail. - Very well.
- Thank you, Humphrey. - Thank you, Minister.
- Bernard. Bernard. - Yes, Minister?
How did Sir Humphrey know I was with Dr Cartwright?
God moves in a mysterious way.
Let me make one thing perfectly clear. Humphrey is not God, OK?
Will you tell him or shall I?
Now, tell me how he knew where I was.
Confidentially, everything you tell me is in complete confidence
so equally, and I'm sure you appreciate this, and, by appreciate, I don't mean appreciate,
I mean understand, that everything Sir Humphrey tells me is also in confidence,
as indeed everything I tell you and everything I tell Sir Humphrey is in complete confidence.
So?
So, in confidence, I am confident you understand
that for me to keep Sir Humphrey's confidence, conversations between him and me
must be confidential, as confidential as conversations between you and me
are completely confidential.
- Mr Andrews, Minister. - Thank you, Bernard.
- Ah, Alex. - Hello, Jim.
- Sit down. - Thank you.
- What can I do for you? - I need your help.
I've come across a fascinating story.
Do you realise that your government is about to hand over £40 million-worth
of housing, building, harbour installations and an airstrip to a private developer for nothing?
- £40 million?! You're having me on! - No, Scout's honour.
- Why tell me? I didn't do it, did I? - No.
It goes back a long way.
30 years ago, the Ministry of Defence took out a lease on a Scottish island.
They put up billets, married quarters, HQ block, the harbour, the airstrip.
And now the lease has expired, it reverts to the original owner. He's opening up a holiday camp.
Yachting marinas, chalets, staff quarters. It's all there. He'll make a fortune.
- He can't do that. The law... - No, you're talking about English law.
This contract was made under Scottish law. Some idiot didn't realise the difference.
- We're in the clear. - Ah, yes.
Even the Mail can't blame you for a cock-up in the early '50s.
Makes a change.
What do you want from me? You've got your story.
30 years late. As quick with the news as ever! Still, not bad for Fleet Street!
We're running it tomorrow, but my editor wants me to do a feature,
find out how it happened, go through the files.
- Why? - There could be lessons for today.
We might find out who is responsible.
Does it matter? It would've been handled by quite a junior official.
30 years ago. Today he could be in an important position.
He could be a Permanent Secretary running a great department,
responsible for spending billions of pounds of public money.
- Pretty unlikely. - Yes. But can I see the papers?
Of course, I can't just hand files over. Didn't you say it was a 30-year lease?
You can get them from the Public Records Office under the 30-year rule.
Yes, I thought you'd say that, but I want a guarantee that I will get ALL of them.
- Well, Defence papers... - Come on, this is not top security.
You made a manifesto commitment saying you'd tell voters the facts. This is a test case.
I want your guarantee that no papers will be removed from the file before it's opened.
I don't see why not. No skin off my nose.
Is that a promise? A REAL promise, not the sort you put in your manifesto!
You know, the problem with you, Alex, is you won't take yes for an answer!
Otherwise we do the feature about ministers ratting on manifestos.
Is that the lot, Humphrey?
Oh, I'm sorry. That seems to be all, Minister, thank you.
Incidentally, Humphrey, did you see that story in the Mail this morning?
- About the Scottish island scandal. - I'm not sure.
About some cock-up somebody made 30 years ago about the terms of the lease.
I believe I did glance at it.
£40 million down the tube! Somebody really boobed there!
- It didn't happen in your department? - Absolutely not.
- I wonder who it was. - That is something we shall never know.
It'll be on the files. Everything must be put in writing, as you're always telling me.
Well... somewhere, no doubt, but it would take ages to search. Not worth anyone's time.
You may be wrong. The Mail want to do a big feature.
As soon as the papers are released under the 30-year rule in a few weeks,
I promised them a free run of all the files.
- Minister! - It's all right, isn't it?
All right? It most certainly is NOT all right!
- Why on earth not? - It's impossible, it's unthinkable!
- Why? - It's top security!
- A few barracks? - Secret naval installations!
Anti-submarine systems! Low-level radar towers!
- You don't know that. - That's the sort of thing those bases have.
- But they'd have been dismantled. - The papers will have references!
- Ancient history. - We need to get clearances.
Who from?
Security implications! Ml5! Ml6!
Foreign powers! National interests!
Consult our allies! Top brass! CIA, NATO, SEATO, Moscow!
- Moscow? Are you all right, Humphrey? - Er, no, not Moscow. I didn't mean Moscow.
But this information could seriously damage people still alive.
The people who drew up this contract ought to be damaged!
Oh, absolutely! No question of protecting officials! Of course not!
But... responsible ministers...
It's 30 years ago. In any case, weren't the other lot in office then?
- Well, yes... - Why are you so concerned?
Oh, I'm not, no, no. Not me, personally, but it's the principle, the precedent, the policy...
The policy is up to me, Humphrey, and I've said yes, so it's done. OK?
What's the matter with Humphrey? I haven't done anything wrong, have I?
There aren't any security implications, are there? What's the problem?
- Am I talking to myself? - No, I'm listening.
- Why don't you answer? - I thought your questions were purely rhetorical.
- I see no reason for him to be so anxious. - Unless...
- Are you thinking what I'm thinking? - I don't think so, Minister.
I'm not thinking anything, really.
- I begin to smell a rat. - Shall I get an environmental health officer?
How long has Sir Humphrey been here at Administrative Affairs?
- Since it was founded. - When was that?
1964. The same time they started the Department for Economic...
- Now I think I'm thinking what you're thinking. - And what are you thinking?
You're thinking, where was he before 1964?
It'll be in "Who's Who". He must've been in another department and trawled for the DAA.
- What? - Trawled. You know, fished, caught in the net.
- Ah, here we are. Oh, my God! - What?
From 1950 to 1956, he was Assistant Principal at the Scottish Office.
On secondment from the War Office.
Ah.
Regional Contracts Officer.
30 years ago.
So the official...
...who chucked away £40 million...
...of taxpayers' money was...
How frightful!
- It's awful, Minister. - Dreadful.
And all the papers due for release in a few weeks' time.
- Get Humphrey to come back here at once. - Yes, Minister.
The Minister wonders if Sir Humphrey could spare time for a meeting sometime in the next few days.
- At once. - In fact, sometime today is really...
- At once! - Sometime during the next 60 seconds.
- He's coming round now. - Why? Did he faint?
- No, he's just, you know... - This is serious, Bernard.
Yes, I know.
- This is no laughing matter. - No, certainly not.
The question is...
...how am I going to deal with it?
- In my opinion... - The question was rhetorical.
- You wanted a word, Minister? - Humphrey, come in, come in.
Sorry, Bernard.
(BERNARD CHUCKLES)
I've been thinking about this Scottish island scandal.
- Very worrying. - Well, I don't know...
You probably don't realise this, but that official could still be in the Civil Service.
- Very unlikely. - But why?
He could've been in his mid-20s then, he'd be in his mid-50s now.
Might even be a Permanent Secretary!
- I hardly think... - No, of course, you're right.
Nobody who made a blunder like that could become a Permanent Secretary.
- Anyway, I want a full investigation. - We can't find out that sort of thing.
But surely we can. I mean, you said yourself that minutes are always made, records kept
in the Civil Service.
And legal documents concerning a current contract wouldn't have been thrown away.
Minister... aren't we making a little too much of this?
Possibly blighting a brilliant career because of a... tiny slip 30 years ago?
- After all, it's not such a lot of money wasted. - £40 million?
Well, not compared with Blue Streak,
TSR.2, Trident, Concorde,
high-rise council flats,
British Rail,
British Leyland, British Steel,
Upper Clyde Shipbuilders,
the atomic power station programme, comprehensive schools,
the University of Essex.
I take your point, but it's still more, a hundred times more,
than this official could ever have earned in his entire career.
So I want you to look into it and find out who it was.
OK?
- Yes, Humphrey? - There is something you ought to know.
Yes, Humphrey?
The identity of the official whose alleged responsibility for this hypothetical oversight,
as being the subject of recent discussion,
is not shrouded in quite such impenetrable obscurity
as previous disclosures led you to assume.
But not to put too fine a point on it...
...the individual in question is, it may surprise you to learn,
one whom your present interlocutor...
...is in the habit of defining...
...by means of the perpendicular pronoun.
I beg your pardon?
It was... I.
Humphrey!
- No? - I was under pressure!
We were overworked, there was panic! Parliamentary questions tabled.
Obviously I'm not a trained lawyer or I wouldn't have been in charge of the Legal Unit!
- 30 years ago! Everybody makes mistakes! - Well, Humphrey... I forgive you.
Oh, thank you, Minister.
Why didn't you tell me about this before? We have no secrets from each other, have we?
- That is for you to say, Minister. - Well, not entirely.
Anyhow, what are we going to do?
I'm going to be roasted if I don't release all those papers to the Mail.
I might be able to do something about it... if I hadn't got this other worry on my plate.
What other worry?
Being roasted by the press for disciplining the most efficient council in Great Britain.
I've been thinking about South Derbyshire.
- Oh, good. - Obviously we can't change the law.
Perhaps we might show them leniency - a private word with the Chief Executive.
- Give them a chance to mend their ways. - That might help considerably.
How will I explain the missing documents to the Mail?
Well, this is what we normally do in...
...circumstances like these.
"This file contains the complete set of papers, except for a number of secret documents,
"a few others which are part of still-active files,
"some correspondence lost in the floods of 1967..."
Was 1967 a particularly bad winter?
No, a marvellous winter. We lost no end of embarrassing files.
"...records lost in the move to London, or when the War Office joined the Ministry of Defence,
"and the withdrawal of papers that could give grounds for an action
"for libel or breach of confidence or cause embarrassment to friendly governments."
Well, that's pretty comprehensive. How many does that normally leave for them to look at?
How many does it actually leave?
About a hundred? Fifty?
Ten? Five?
Four?
Three? Two?
One?
Zero?
Yes, Minister.
We can't be accused of wasting money?
- Absolutely. - We are taking the smallest possible delegation?
- Absolutely. Pared to the bone. - Who are all those people?
- Our delegation. - You said it'd been pared to the bone.
- So it has? - Who are they?
A small delegation from the Foreign and Commonwealth Office.
- But this is a DAA mission. - Yes, well, we are going abroad.
Foreign policy is at stake.
We're going to ratify a contract for one of the biggest export orders Britain's ever obtained.
That was negotiated by British Electronic Systems. Who are all these civil servants?
There's a delegation from the Department of Trade and one from Industry.
There's a group from Energy. We are going to an oil sheikdom.
There's a Deputy Secretary leading a team from the Cabinet Office.
There's a group from the Central Office of Information, there's our DAA team.
Press secretaries, private secretaries, liaison secretaries.
The legal department who did the contract, those who supervised it.
- Pared to the bone? - To the bone.
If we'd met in Middlesbrough, we'd have only taken seven people.
Well, Teesside is perhaps not quite so diplomatically significant as Kumran.
- Teesside returns four MPs. - Kumran controls Shell and BP.
- What are you doing here? - Purely my sense of duty-free.
Duty-free?
Er... duty, free from any personal consideration.
- Look through this. - What is it?
- It's the final communiqué. - The final...?!
You can't write it before the meeting!
On the contrary, you can't write it AFTER the meeting.
We had to get agreement from other departments, the EEC, Washington, the Kumrani Embassy.
- You can't do that in the desert. - It may bear no relation to what we say.
No communiqué ever bears any relation to what you say.
- Then why have one? - It gets you past the press corps.
The journalists need to justify their huge expenses for a futile non-event.
- Non-event? - Oh, a brilliant triumph for you, Minister.
Which is why it's a futile non-event for the press.
They'd like me to get drunk at the reception.
Yes. Not much hope of that. Kumran is dry.
Yeah. Well, of course, it is in the middle of the desert.
- You mean... Islamic law? - Alas, yes.
- We can get a drink at the British Embassy? - Yes.
But the reception and the dinner are at the palace. Five hours of orange juice.
Five hours? Without a single drinky?
Why did you let me come on this trip? What are we going to do? Hip flasks?
No, much too risky. We have to grin and bear it.
Why don't we set up a security communications room next door to the reception?
You know, emergency telephones, telex lines to Downing Street.
Then we could fill it with booze brought in from the Embassy.
- Minister! - Liven up the orange juice!
That is a... stroke of genius!
- Could it be done? - Such a room would need a major crisis.
- Five hours on orange juice is a major crisis. - The pound is under pressure.
- Could you arrange it? - I think I can guarantee enthusiastic support.
Most awfully generous of you to present me with this very splendid gift. Oops!
- It is a great pleasure to commemorate this day. - It's so beautiful!
A magnificent example of 17th-century Islamic art.
- What was it originally? - A rosewater jar.
- I see. For... er... rosewater, presumably? - Quite so.
Minister, there's an urgent call for you in the communications room. A Mr Haig.
General Haig?
No, MR Haig. You know, with the dimples.
Yes, yes. Do excuse me. Most important.
- I believe there's a message from Mr Haig. - Yes, Minister.
- I'm the only woman here. - Special dispensation.
They've made you an honorary man for the evening.
- This will look wonderful on our hall table. - Mrs Hacker, I'm not sure if...
- If what? - It's a gift to the minister.
It's his hall, too.
- I don't think you'll be allowed to keep it. - Why ever not?
It could be thought, if it were valuable, it could influence some ministers.
Not your minister, that is, my minister, our minister. Your husband, as it were.
As it is, in fact. I mean, he is. I mean... Well, some ministers...
- Bernard. - Sorry.
- Are you saying we have to give it back? - No, that'd be an insult.
- We can't give it back. What do I do? - It becomes government property.
- It's put in a basement in Whitehall. - You sure we can't keep it?
- Not if it's worth more than £50. - How do we find out?
- You get a valuation. - Could you get a valuation?
Wouldn't it be wonderful if it was less than £50? Because it's awfully pretty.
Well, I...
- I suppose I could try. - Oh, Bernard, you are wonderful!
What would we do without you?
Bernard. Wanted in the communications room.
A Mr John Walker.
- Johnnie Walker? - Yes, from the Scotch Office... Sorry.
- Scottish Office. - Isn't there a message for me?
Yes, of course. Bernard will get it for you if you give him your glass. If you...
...give him your glass, he'll get you some more orange juice.
- Is Humphrey here yet? - Yes, he's just over here.
Excuse me.
Ahem. Excuse me.
- Minister. - What on earth...?!
Traditional Foreign Office courtesy to our Arab hosts, isn't that right?
Spot on, Humphrey. Isn't that right, Your Royal Highness?
Yes, we regard it as a warm and gracious compliment.
May I present our minister? This is Prince Mohammed.
- How do you do? - Pleased to meet you, Your Excellency.
Excellency! I say, if you'll excuse me, I just must have a quick word with Sir Humphrey.
I can't believe my eyes! What are you here as? Ali Baba?
- Minister, when in Rome... - We are not in Rome. You look ridiculous!
I suppose if we were in the Fiji Islands, you'd wear a grass skirt!
The Foreign Office view, as Arabs are sensitive, is we should show them whose side we're on.
It may come as a surprise to the Foreign Office, but you're supposed to be on OUR side!
- Bernard, any messages? - Well, there is one for Sir Humphrey.
- Oh, good. - The Soviet Embassy on the line. Mr Smirnoff.
Sorry. So sorry.
Isn't there one for me?
There was a message from the Embassy, the school - a delegation of Teachers.
Ah, I must go and greet the Teachers...
...before the Bells goes... bell goes!
You're receiving a great many very urgent messages.
- Yes, yes, we are, aren't we? - Excuse me.
Your Royal Highness, could I present Mr Pennington?
- Excuse me. - Yes, of course, Your Highness.
Excuse me, but I could not help overhearing your conversation about valuing the gift.
- Perhaps I can help. - That would be...
- Do you have any idea how much? - Of course.
An original 17th-century rosewater jar is very valuable.
- Oh, dear. - You are not pleased?
Yes and no. If it's valuable, the minister won't be allowed to keep it.
- I was rather hoping it wasn't. - Ah.
Well, as I was saying, an original 17th-century rosewater jar is very valuable,
but this copy, though excellently done, is not of the same order.
Oh, good. About how much?
- I would be interested to hear your guess. - Oh.
Er... well, a little under... £50?
Brilliant! Quite a connoisseur!
- And you would sign a valuation certificate? - But of course.
- Your English customs are very strange. - Oh, why?
You are so strict about a gift,
yet your electronics company pays our finance minister a million dollars
to secure this contract.
Is this not strange?
- You... You don't mean... - Of course.
I work for the minister. I got my share.
- What for? - For keeping my mouth shut.
L-I see. Would you excuse me for a moment?
Minister, can I have a private word with Sir Humphrey?
You may speak freely, Bernie.
Yes... Oh, there was a message for you in the communications room.
- The VAT man, your 69 returns. - What?!
- VAT 69. - Oh. Ah!
Yes... thanks.
I'm rapidly coming to the conclusion
that the minister has had almost as many urgent messages as he can take.
- I've found out the most terrible thing. - Dear me.
This contract was obtained by bribery.
Of course.
All contracts in Kumran are obtained by bribery. Everybody knows that.
It's all right, as long as nobody knows.
- Shouldn't we tell the minister? - Certainly not.
- But if everybody knows. - Everybody else.
We do not let a minister know what everybody else knows.
Highness, how very nice to see you.
Ah, Lawrence of Arabia, you're wanted in the communications room.
Oh, good. Er, who is it?
Napoleon!
"It is alleged in Le Monde that the recent British contract with Kumran
"was won by bribery."
- Do you hear this, Humphrey? - Yes, indeed.
"It's part of a hideous web of corruption woven by Western industrial countries
"and Third World governments that forms a blot of our modern civilisation."
- Webs don't form blots, Minister. - What?
Well, spiders don't have any ink, you see.
Only cuttlefish.
- Spiders don't...! What are you talking about? - I know...
- Thank you, Bernard. - Isn't this terrible? Baseless accusations!
Oh, yes, yes, terrible.
Backsheesh, palm-greasing! Good God, we're British!
Absolutely, Minister!
It's not like the FT to print a story like this unless there's something behind it.
- Is there something behind it, Humphrey? - I think the sports news is behind it.
- I want to know the truth, Humphrey. - I don't think you do.
- Will you answer a direct question? - I strongly advise you not to ask one.
- Why? - It might provoke a direct answer.
It never has yet.
What do YOU know about this? Tell me!
Oh, well, I... er... Er, that is... there was. Someone did.
- A lot of gossip, that's all. Rumour, hearsay. - Bernard?
- One Kumrani did tell me he'd received... - Hearsay, Minister.
- Hearsay? - Yes, Bernard heard him say it.
Are you telling me that the contract was won by bribery?
I do wish you wouldn't use words like bribery.
What would you like me to say? Slush funds, sweeteners, brown envelopes?
These are extremely crude and unworthy expressions
for what is no more than creative negotiation.
It is general practice.
You do realise what you're saying? I ratified that contract in good faith!
In that press communiqué, I announced a British success won in a fair fight!
Mm, yes, I did wonder about that bit.
- Now you're telling me it was got by bribery. - No.
- Oh, it was not got by bribery? - That is not what I said.
- What did you say? - That I'm not telling you it was got by bribery.
- How would you describe these payments? - How does the contract describe them?
Oh, well, that's quite simple. Retainers, personal donations, special discounts.
Miscellaneous outgoings, agents' fees, political contributions, management expenses.
How are these payments made?
Anything from a numbered Swiss account
to a fistful of used oncers slipped under the door of the gents'.
- Do you realise how shocking this is? - That is a narrow and parochial view.
In other parts of the world, they see things differently.
- Sin is not a branch of geography. - But it is.
In developing countries, the size of the extra contractual payment
shows how serious you are.
It's like a publisher's advance to an author.
Whoever pays the biggest advance expects the biggest sales.
- I don't believe it! - (BUZZER)
Is corruption government policy?
No, no, Minister! It could never be government policy!
That is unthinkable! Only government practice.
That was the press office. The papers want a statement about the bribery allegation.
What am I going to say?
The press office can devise something convincing and meaningless. That's what they're paid for.
- You're a cynic, Humphrey. - Cynic.
A cynic is what an idealist calls a realist.
I'll tell the truth. After all, I knew nothing of this. Why should I back something I never approved?
But this contract means thousands of British jobs, millions of export dollars!
Surely you won't throw all that away because of a technical irregularity?
- It's not a technical irregularity, it is corruption! - No. Merely a few uncontracted pre-payments.
I don't expect you to understand, but government is not just a question of fixing and manipulating.
- There is a moral dimension. - Of, yes, of course, the moral dimension.
It is never out of my thoughts.
So if questions are asked in the press, I shall announce an inquiry.
Splendid idea. I shall be happy to conduct it.
No, no, no, no, no.
No, not an internal inquiry, a REAL inquiry.
- You can't be serious! - A real inquiry.
- I beg you... - Humphrey... the moral dimension.
(DOORBELL)
- Good evening, Mrs Hacker. - Bernard, come in.
- Thank you. - Is that you, Bernard?
- Yes, Minister. - Shan't be a moment.
- There's that jar from Kumran. - A friend of mine was frightfully interested in it.
- Really? - Jenny Goodwin from The Guardian.
- The Guardian? - She asked where it came from.
- A journalist? - Yes. Well, The Guardian, anyway.
- She asked what it was worth. I said £50. - You said £50.
- Funnily enough, she thought it was genuine. - She thought it was genuine?
- Bernard, you sound like an answering machine. - Oh, I'm sorry.
She wanted to ring Kumran's Embassy to ask what it was worth.
To ask what it was worth.
- So what did you say? - I said, by all means.
It is only a copy, isn't it?
Well... so far as I'm...
...so I'm lead to... Good gracious, is that the time?
- Bernard. - Sorry, the minister will be a few minutes late.
- I'll come back. - Actually, I wonder if I could have a word.
Yes.
- I said yes. - Yes, I know.
You see...
Something the matter, Bernard?
Come on, out with it.
Did you send the minister to the wrong dinner?
Give him the wrong speech? Show him some papers we didn't mean him to see?
Worse?
Much worse?
Sit down.
Well... tell me about it.
You know that jar the minister was given in Kumran?
- Well, the minister's wife... liked it. - I expect she did.
Then, when I explained the rules to her, she looked... terribly sad.
They always do.
She said wouldn't it be marvellous if it wasn't worth more than £50
and she sort of... looked at me.
But, my dear Bernard, a 17th-century vase!
Yes, I know, but there was this terribly nice Kumrani businessman
and we had a... a... a... conversation
and he valued it as a copy, not as an original - £49.95p.
- You believed him. - He said he was an expert.
He spoke Arabic awfully well... and so I accepted his valuation in good faith.
After all, Islam is a jolly good faith.
You took a grave personal risk. You're lucky nobody's asked questions.
A journalist saw it in the minister's house and asked a lot of questions.
Mrs Hacker said it was a copy, but the press are so... horribly suspicious about things.
- Despicable! - So... what shall I do?
The minister must be told.
Sorry to keep you.
- That's all right. Have you read my submission? - I did, and it won't do.
I won't be accused of sweeping bribery under the carpet.
If questions are asked, I will announce an independent inquiry chaired by a QC.
You can't! That contract is worth £340 million!
Get thee behind me, Humphrey! The moral dimension.
Minister, if there is an inquiry, other things may come out, too.
Such as?
I'm afraid Bernard... has something to tell you.
Well?
- Well? - You know that jar the Kumranis gave you?
Yes, it's at the flat now. Most attractive.
I told Mrs Hacker she could keep it, as it was valued for less than £50.
The valuer was awfully nice and I told him Mrs Hacker liked it a lot,
but he may have been just, well, being helpful.
It's all right, Bernard. No one will ever know. Jolly enterprising of you.
Mrs Hacker told me a journalist was asking questions.
- Journalist?! - Can I just see that valuation?
Hmm. The Treasury isn't too happy about valuations written on the backs of menus.
It is a very good menu.
What is it worth?
- If it's a copy, what the valuation says. - And if it's... genuine?
About £5,000.
Oh, my God, I kept it!
Bill from the press office wants to talk to you.
I'm trying to deal with this problem you've landed me with!
- That's what he wants to talk to you about. - Well?
The Foreign and Commonwealth Office is in a state.
Mrs Hacker has told The Guardian that valuable 17th-century thing
presented to you by Kumran was a copy.
The Guardian phoned the Kumrani Embassy for their comments.
The Kumran government are incensed at the suggestion they insulted Britain
by giving you a worthless gift.
It's building up into the biggest diplomatic incident since "Death of a Princess".
There's a reporter from The Guardian demanding to see you right away.
Ahem.
Yes, Bernard?
- Minister... what are you... - Bernard, my duty is clear.
- I have no choice. - No choice?
No choice. I didn't ask you to lie to my wife about the value of that gift.
- No, but... - I realise you acted from the purest motives.
But there can be no excuse for falsifying a document.
- But I... - Let me continue.
I cannot have it said that I asked you to do this.
No more can I have it said that I connived at bribery and corruption. Enough is enough.
If this journalist asks me straight questions on either of these subjects...
...I shall have to give her straight answers.
The moral dimension.
Minister, I agree with you. I see now that there is a moral dimension to everything.
Will you tell the press about the communications room or shall I?
What?!
You know, all the Scotch in Kumran.
You mean to tell me that... if I say...
...then you will... tell...
...and drop me in the...
In the moral dimension.
- This is different! It's not the same thing! - Why?
- Drinking, it's not corruption. - No, it's just deceit.
- Deceit? - We have deceived the Kumranis.
I'm racked with guilt.
Tormented by the knowledge that we violated their sacred Islamic law in their own country.
Sooner or later, we'll have to own up and admit that it was all your idea.
- It wasn't! - (BOTH) It was!
It wasn't... was it?
Is it 50 lashes or 100?
I must ask you to meet this journalist.
- Oh, yes, all right. What am I going to say? - I suggest attack is the best form of defence.
Attack, attack, yes. Good thinking, Humphrey. Yes, got it.
Miss Jenny Goodwin from The Guardian.
Do come in. Sit down, Jenny. I may call you Jenny, may I not?
- If you like. - Now, what seems to be the trouble?
Two things. Both of them rather worrying to the public.
The first is a story that was in the French press.
It's about corruption in BES - getting the Kumrani contract.
- Complete nonsense! - They quoted reports of payments to officials.
Really, this is absolutely typical.
A British company slogs its guts out to win orders, create jobs!
What does it get from the media? A smear campaign!
- If they won by bribery... - There was no bribery. I had a full inquiry.
- All these payments have been identified. - What as?
- Commission fees, administrative overheads. - Operative costs, managerial surcharges.
Expenses, miscellaneous outgoings.
We have looked into every brown envelope...
...every...
...every account book and everything is completely in order.
- I see. - May I say one thing?
Allegations of this nature are symptomatic of a very sick society
for which the media shares the blame!
- The media? - Why are you putting thousands of jobs at risk?
I'll call on the Press Council to censure the press for its lack of professionalism in running this story.
The Council and the House of Commons must be concerned
about the standards which have applied in this disgraceful matter.
Pressure will be brought to bear to make sure that this gutter press reporting is not repeated.
I see. Ahem.
Well, there is this other question.
It's about the rosewater jar apparently presented to you in Kumran.
- Yes? - I saw it in your flat, actually.
- Yes, we're keeping it there, temporarily. - Temporarily?
- Yes, it's very valuable. - Mrs Hacker said it was an imitation.
Burglars, girl, burglars!
And you've gossip! That's until we can get rid of it.
- Get rid of it? - I'll present it to our local museum this weekend.
I can't hold onto it, you know. It's government property.
Now... what was your question?
No... er... that's all right, actually.
Um... I... No, no, no, that's fine.
- Nothing more? - No, no, that's all.
Well, good of you to drop in.
- Thank you, Minister. - Goodbye, Jenny.
Superb, Minister.
- Thank you, Minister. - Oh, well, it was nothing.
We must stick by one's friends, eh, Humphrey? Eh, Bernard?
Loyalty.
(BOTH) Yes, Minister.
- Are you sure Hacker's the man for this? - Yes.
He's the best choice to bring in an integrated transport policy?!
- Yes. - But he knows nothing about it!
No.
- You've sounded out the Transport Secretary? - He won't touch it.
- Yes. This could turn out to be a bed of nails. - A crown of thorns.
- A booby trap. - It has to look like something's going to be done.
It calls for a particular combination of talents, lots of activity but no actual achievement.
I see.
Then Hacker IS the man!
So how do we go about him?
Well, you're the PM's Chief Special Advisor. You know the form.
We make it seem like a special honour. A promotion. A present.
But Sir Humphrey will tell Hacker he'd be crazy to do it.
Yes. "Timeo Danaos et dona ferentes," I can hear him say.
"Beware of Greeks bearing gifts," roughly translated.
Humphrey would have put it in English for Hacker's benefit. Hacker went to the LSE.
- So did I. - Oh, I AM sorry.
We must get an immediate commitment from Hacker before he talks to Humphrey.
- Today? Now? - Don't you think it'll work?
Flattering a politician? When's it ever failed?
We'll offer to call him Transport Supremo, shall we?
Yes, much more attractive than Transport Muggins!
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
Ah, Jim!
Hello, Mark.
- Arnold. - Drink?
Yes, thank you.
- Everything all right? - Everything's fine.
We wanted... Er, that is, the Prime Minister wanted the Cabinet Secretary and me
to sound you out about something...
...something of an honour, I may say.
- Honour? You don't mean... kicked up there? - No, no. A real honour.
A significant increase of responsibility.
Now, what are your views on the Integrated National Transport Policy?
Er... I... I...
Well, er... I...
Go on.
The PM has decided we need a national transport policy.
Yes. Well. Why not?
You're in favour?
Unfortunately, public dissatisfaction with the nationalised transport industries
is now at a high enough level to worry the government, as you know.
Can you go on?
- No, we can't go on, not like this. - We need a policy.
Not just blame the management if there's an R in the month and the unions the rest of the time.
Unfortunately, they've got together. Their line is it's the government's fault.
Everything that goes wrong is the result of not having an integrated policy.
- We did have a policy before. - Did we?
Yes, it was our policy not to have a policy.
Well, now the PM wants a positive policy.
Oh, the PM. Yes, well, er...
- I couldn't agree more. I've always thought so. - Good.
Surely it's a Ministry of Transport matter?
No.
Obviously the Transport Secretary would love the job, but he's too close to it all.
- Can't see the wood for the trees. - It needs an open mind, uncluttered.
So the PM has decided to appoint a supremo
to develop and implement a national transport policy.
- Supremo? - A supremo.
And...
Exactly.
- It was agreed you had the most open mind. - And the most uncluttered.
Of course it's a great honour and a responsibility.
Er, but what... What sort of... Er... I mean...
You mean what is required of an integrated transport policy minister?
- It's to help the consumer. - Very popular with the public.
- Not that that would... - No, of course not. It's my duty.
For example, the motorways were planned without reference to the railways,
so there are great stretches of motorway running alongside already existing railways.
- While other areas aren't served at all. - Quite. We knew you'd understand.
- It's really quite simple. - Yes.
- Then there's through tickets. - Through tickets...?
If you want to commute from Henley to the City,
you need one British Rail ticket to Paddington and then an Underground ticket to the Bank.
Have you ever seen a combined bus and railway timetable?
Or ever seen a bus timetable in a railway station?
Has a bus driver ever seen a bus timetable?
There's a British Rail Western Region line running less than a mile north of Heathrow,
but no link line.
Bus and train services don't connect, all over London.
- And outside London there are problems. - Probably. But we don't know about them.
It's full of possibilities. I suppose you'd like me to discuss it with Humphrey and come back?
There is much to discuss with Sir Humphrey, but we need an indication of your response now.
The PM's car leaves for the airport in 30 minutes. The Ottowa conference.
- Then the United Nations speech in New York. - Then Washington.
Gosh, what a long trip. Who's going to run the country?
Sorry, Arnold. Silly question.
- So we can give the PM the good news? - There's a lot to put in hand.
- Oh, yes. I'm on. - Splendid! Have another drink.
- Ah, Minister. - Sorry I'm late.
- Got some splendid news. - Indeed, Minister?
- I have a new job. - The department will be sorry to lose you.
No, I mean an extra job.
I've been asked to develop an integrated national transport policy by the Prime Minister.
I see. And what was the good news?
That WAS the good news.
Oh. Then how, if I may be so bold as to enquire,
- would you describe bad news? - What?
Do you realise what this job would mean if you accept it?
- I have accepted it. - You've what?
- I HAVE accepted it. - Minister, you're not serious!
Yes, it's an honour. We need a transport policy.
If by "we" you mean Britain, that's quite true.
But if by "we" you mean this department,
we need a transport policy like an aperture in the cranial cavity!
It is a bed of nails!
- I know it may cause extra administrative duties. - Minister, that is not the point.
The reason there's no integrated transport policy
is that it's in everybody's interest except the minister who creates it.
Why?
How can I put it in a manner which is close to your heart?
- It is the ultimate vote loser. - Vote loser?
Why do you think the Transport Secretary isn't doing it?
Why did he suggest the Lord Privy Seal?
Why did the Lord Privy Seal suggest the Chancellor of the Duchy of Lancaster,
- who suggested the President of the Council? - I didn't know this.
And why did they invite you to No. 10 behind my back?
Minister, this hideous appointment has been hurtling round Whitehall for three weeks
like a grenade with the pin taken out!
If I pull it off, it'll be a feather in my cap.
If you pull it off, Minister, it won't be in your cap any more.
Thank you, Bernard. If you pull it off, no one will feel the benefits for ten years.
- Long before that, you and I will have moved on. - Or up.
- Or out. - Out?
In the meantime, formulating policy means making choices.
Once you do that, you please the people that you favour, but infuriate everybody else.
One vote gained, ten lost.
If you give the job to the road services, the rail board and unions will scream.
Give it to the railways, the road lobby will massacre you.
Cut British Airways investment plans, they'll hold a devastating press conference that same day.
But I'm going to be Transport Supremo!
I believe the Civil Service vernacular is Transport Muggins!
No, the Prime Minister has asked me to undertake this task, this necessary duty.
After all, we must all endeavour to do our duty.
Furthermore, Sir Mark thinks there may be votes in it.
- I won't look a gift horse in the mouth. - You're looking a Trojan horse in the mouth!
If we look closely at this gift horse we'll find it full of Trojans?
If you'd looked a Trojan horse in the mouth, you'd have found Greeks inside.
It was the Greeks who gave the Trojan horse to the Trojans.
Technically, it wasn't a Trojan horse but a Greek horse.
Hence the tag "Timeo Danaos et dona ferentes," which, you'll recall,
is usually and somewhat inaccurately translated, "Beware Greeks bearing gifts,"
or doubtless you would have recalled had you not attended the LSE.
Greek tags are all very well, but can we stick to the point?
- Yes... - Sorry, Greek tags?
"Beware Greeks bearing gifts."
The EEC equivalent would be, "Beware Greeks bearing an olive oil surplus"!
- Excellent. - No, the point is, Minister,
just as the Trojan horse was Greek, what you call a Greek tag is, in fact, Latin.
The Greeks wouldn't suggest bewaring of themselves, if one can use such a participle,
and it's clearly Latin not because "Timeo" ends in "o", as the Greek first person also ends in "o".
No, there is a Greek word "Timao" meaning "I honour",
but the "os" ending is a nominative singular termination of a second declension in Greek
and an accusative plural in Latin,
though actually Danaos is not only the Greek for Greek, it's also the Latin for Greek.
Yes, I take your point, Humphrey, but is it really as bad as that?
Minister, perhaps... Perhaps you will allow me to prove it to you.
I will arrange a preliminary conference for you
with three Under-Secretaries from the Department of Transport,
- from the roads, rail and air transport divisions. - What will that prove?
It may illustrate some problems you will encounter.
You may be right, Humphrey. But if I succeed, this could be my Falkland Islands.
Yes.
And you could be General Galtieri!
With respect, Minister, I feel constrained to point out the proposal is deeply misguided.
- So what do you suggest? - I suggest it should be government policy
to designate road haulage as its principal means of freight transport.
If I might crave your indulgence for a moment,
I think such a policy would be, not to put too fine a point on it, unacceptably short-sighted.
Rail transport must surely be the favoured carrier under any sane national policy.
With the greatest respect, both those proposals are formulae for disaster.
Long-term considerations mandate the increase of air freight.
If the minister wants a massive budget increase...
If the minister accepts a long, bitter rail strike...
If the minister can tolerate a massive rise in public discontent...
Hold on!
- We are the government, aren't we? - Indeed you are, Minister.
- So we're all on the same side. - (ALL) Indeed, no question.
Doing what's best for Britain.
Is the end of the air freight business best for Britain?
How is Britain served by the destruction of the railways?
How does Britain benefit from a deterioration of the road network?
I want to examine policy options for the government's freight transport needs.
I thought a preliminary discussion, a few friends around the table, a few positive suggestions...
- An expansion of rail transport... - An expansion of motorway construction...
- An expansion of air freight capacity. - I need to achieve a reduction in costs.
- Then there is only one possible course. - Indeed there is.
And there's no doubt what it is.
Good. I always like to end on a note of agreement. Thank you, gentlemen.
Minister.
Perhaps we could discuss a date for our next meeting. This way, please.
That was a very frank meeting.
More than frank, Minister. Frank bordering on direct.
- The cleaners will mop up the blood tomorrow. - Bernard, can you help me?
- How, Minister? - Under-Secretaries are civil servants.
But they behave like counsel briefed by the transport interests to defeat the government.
- That's right. - No, Bernard, that's wrong.
That's how it works. Each department is controlled by the people it's supposed to control.
- How do you mean? - Why do we have comprehensive education?
- Who wanted it? Pupils, parents? - Not really.
The National Union of Teachers,
the chief client of the Department of Education, so the DES went comprehensive.
Departments act for the powerful interest with whom they have a permanent relationship.
The Department of Employment lobbies for the TUC.
The Department of Industry lobbies for the employers. It's a nice balance.
Energy lobbies for oil companies, Defence for the armed forces, the Home Office for the police.
So the system aims to stop the Cabinet carrying out its policies?
Well, somebody's got to!
So formulating a national transport policy means fighting not just the transport industry
but the entire Civil Service as well?
Shouldn't the Civil Service help the government carry out its wishes?
Well, as long as the government's wishes are practicable.
- Meaning? - As long as the Civil Service agrees with them!
Useful meeting, Minister.
All right, Humphrey.
You win.
- What do I win? - We must get out of our commitments.
Clearly the title Transport Supremo is not worth having.
- We must change the Prime Minister's mind. - Is that "we" plural,
or do supremos now use the royal pronoun?
I mean both of us, Humphrey, unless you want the DAA saddled with this.
- So, what are you suggesting? - Bernard, find a map of the PM's constituency.
- Humphrey, I need some advice. - Yes, Minister?
Could the formulation of a national transport policy have unwanted local repercussions?
Er, yes, indeed, Minister.
Even in a constituency represented by a very senior member of the government,
- the MOST senior member of the government? - Deeply embarrassing!
- Here's the street map and the directory. - Splendid.
This is the Prime Minister's constituency, isn't it? Oh, look, a park!
Near the station.
One requirement of a transport policy is to bring bus stations nearer to railway stations.
- But that would mean building on the park. - Alas, yes.
Somebody has to suffer in the national interest.
Take a note, Bernard. Bus station to be moved into Queen Charlotte's Park.
Oh, Minister, there's a big bus repair shop.
Isn't it economic to amalgamate the bus and train repairs?
- Absolutely. Big saving. - Bus repair shop to be closed, Bernard.
- This is commuter country, what about that? - Commuter trains run at a loss.
They're only really used at rush hours. So commuters are, in effect, subsidised.
- Isn't that unfair on the others? - It's a great injustice.
Commuters to pay full economic fares, Bernard.
- Mind, that'll double the price of tickets. - Can't make an omelette without breaking eggs!
There are quite a few railway stations in this area. British Rail and Underground.
Yes?
One view is that areas with reasonable rail services don't need an evening bus service too.
A very persuasive view, to my mind. All bus services to cease after 6.30pm.
What about this space when the bus station's moved to the park?
Well, the area's very short of parking space for container lorries...
...especially at night.
Container lorry park on bus station site, Bernard.
- Won't that mean widening this access road? - Yes, indeed.
We'll have to take away the western half of the swimming baths.
I'm afraid so.
Of course, these are just the local implications of a broad national policy.
Exactly, Minister.
Even so, I ought to write a paper to the Prime Minister personally.
He'd like to know the constituency implications.
As a loyal Cabinet member, I owe that to the PM... amongst other things!
Mind you, it would be awful if the press got hold of this.
With so many other boroughs threatened, there'd be a national outcry.
- Is there a danger of them getting hold of it? - They're very clever at getting hold of things.
- Especially if there are lots of copies. - Oh, dear!
I shall have to make copies for my Cabinet colleagues.
Their own constituencies will be affected in due course.
And if it were leaked, with so many copies, no one would ever discover who leaked it.
It so happens I'm having lunch today with Peter Maxwell of The Times.
Excellent!
Em, don't do anything I wouldn't do.
You can trust me, Minister!
I'm sure you've heard rumours, Peter, of this integrated transport policy.
- That old chestnut coming up again? - Yes, but in an interesting form.
- The policy may have unwelcome side effects. - Such as?
Job loss from integration of bus and rail terminals,
job loss from joint repair shops,
job loss from streamlining of buses and trains,
and reduction of services, causing job loss.
That's just for starters.
If this is being seriously proposed, it's quite a story.
- Even more interesting than you think. - How's that?
One of the areas to suffer most is the Prime Minister's own constituency.
Have you any hard facts?
Dear Peter, what a question!
Newspapers aren't like the government. If we make statements, we have to prove them.
Got something in writing? There always is in the Civil Service.
Only a confidential note from my minister to the Prime Minister
and a similar note from my minister to all 22 of his Cabinet colleagues.
Oh, that's all right, then.
Will you show it to me or shall I get it from one of the others?
Peter, it's a confidential document. It would be grossly improper of me to betray it to anyone
- let alone a journalist. - Of course.
The only way you'd get hold of a copy is if someone were to leave it lying around by mistake.
I see.
Oh, well, back to the grindstone.
Well, nice to talk, Peter. Thank you for the lunch.
- Thank you. - Goodbye.
Oh, Humphrey, you are SO careless!
- (KNOCK AT DOOR) - Hmm?
Ah, Jim. Thanks for dropping in.
I thought I ought to tell you that the PM isn't very pleased.
- Oh, not pleased? - Not pleased.
- This story in last Tuesday's Times. - Yes, terrible. I'm not pleased either.
- There's obviously been a leak. - Obviously.
- Can't even trust Cabinet colleagues. - What are you suggesting?
Well, it might not have been one of them.
I sent a copy of my paper here to No. 10. You don't think there's a leak here, do you?
- The PM's office does not leak! - Of course not. Perish the thought!
It wasn't just the leak that was disturbing. It was the misleading implications of the proposals.
- No, not misleading. Have you read my paper? - Have you read mine?
- This is the paper from the PM's constituency. - I believe it is.
"PM steps in to stop transport reorganisation proposals.
"Rumours that services and jobs were threatened in this constituency were scotched today.
"Apparently the PM has given a firm direction to Transport Supremo designate Jim Hacker."
- I haven't heard from the Prime Minister. - You have now!
I'm afraid this leak, wherever it comes from, is a verbatim report
of a confidential minute dictated by the PM in Ottowa.
So, the national transport policy will need some re-thinking!
It will be difficult.
The PM feels it's the difficult jobs that the ministers are there for,
- assuming they wish to remain as ministers. - Yes, well, of course.
- If it needs, er... - Rethinking.
...rethinking, then of course I shall rethink.
Good.
But how did this get into the PM's own local paper?
I don't know. But the PM's office does not leak.
Shocking, though, isn't it? You can't trust anyone nowadays.
Back to square one. Well, that's all right.
It is NOT all right. It means I'm still stuck with this ghastly job.
No, Minister, it is excellent news. We now present our other kind of non-proposal.
- What other kind? - The high cost, high staff kind.
We now propose a British National Transport Authority
with a full structure, regional board, area council, local office, liaison committee, the lot.
80,000 staff, billion-a-year budget.
The Treasury will have a fit!
The whole thing will go back to the Department of Transport.
Great. Could you do me a paper on this, Humphrey,
with full staff and costing details and a specimen annual budget?
There's a one-page summary on the front.
- Humphrey, you're marvellous. - It's nothing, really.
I say, what if the press should get hold of this!
- They'd have to have another leak enquiry. - Will they really set up an enquiry?
- Bound to. - Won't that be embarrassing?
No, no, no. That's what leak enquiries are for.
Setting up. They don't actually conduct them.
Members may be appointed, but they'll never meet, and certainly never report.
How many leak enquiries can you recall that named the culprit?
- In round figures. - If you want it in round figures...
...none. - They never report.
If the culprit is a civil servant, it'd be unfair to publish. Politicians take the rap.
If it's a politician, you can't publish or he'll disclose other leaks by his colleagues.
But chiefly they can't publish because most leaks come from No. 10.
The ship of state, Bernard, is the only ship that leaks from the top.
So, if the problem is a leaky PM,
as in this case, the facts are difficult to get at and impossible to publish if you do!
May I remind you, a gentleman from the press is waiting.
- Ah, yes. - I'll leave you, Minister.
- Oh, er, Humphrey... - Minister?
...have you got another copy of these new proposals?
Of course!
- There. - Because I'm awfully absent-minded.
I'm always leaving documents lying around...
...forgetting where I've put them.
I do understand, Minister!
- Another leak. This is extremely serious. - Yes, indeed.
This is almost approaching a disciplinary level.
- I so agree, don't you, Humphrey? - Indeed, Minister.
If only we could find the culprits. It would be a most serious matter.
Perhaps I can help there.
I think that if I were to use my influence,
I could achieve a disclosure from The Times of how they got hold of your original plan.
- Oh? - Really?
- I might be able to help there, too. - Indeed?
- Are you sure, Minister? - Oh, yes.
I'm confident I can find out where the press got the leak about the PM's opposition to our plan.
If it transpired the leak came from the Prime Minister's own office
that'd be even more serious than a leak from a Cabinet Minister's office.
I mean, the security implications alone...
- Perhaps we should call in the police or Ml5. - Ml5, good idea, Minister.
A leak from the Prime Minister's office is VERY serious.
Nevertheless, our first priority must be to investigate the original leak.
Surely we should first investigate a possible leak from No. 10.
In all events, the inevitable public outcry after all these leaks
will make it awfully difficult for us to formulate an integrated national transport policy in the DAA.
The time is unripe, the climate is unsuitable. The atmosphere is unfavourable.
Our only avenues of approach are now blocked.
- I wonder... - Hmm?
...if it might not be wiser to take the whole matter back to the Department of Transport?
- That, Arnold, is a brilliant idea. - I wish I'd thought of that.
- There remains the question of the leaks. - Indeed.
I feel we ought to treat this with the utmost gravity.
- I think I have a solution. - Indeed?
Will we recommend to the Prime Minister that we set up an immediate leak enquiry?
(ALL) Yes, Minister!