1
00:00:42,575 --> 00:00:45,373
Do you think perhaps...

2
00:00:45,535 --> 00:00:49,767
I mean, would it have been wiser,
you know, with hindsight...

3
00:00:49,935 --> 00:00:51,971
- Was it a mistake...
- Yes, Bernard?

4
00:00:52,135 --> 00:00:56,686
- You didn't have to agree to present the awards.
- Bill recommended it. Didn't you?

5
00:00:56,855 --> 00:00:59,244
I didn't actually recommend it.

6
00:00:59,415 --> 00:01:02,885
I just said the British theatre awards dinner
was televised live

7
00:01:03,055 --> 00:01:08,049
and, as guest of honour, you'd be seen by
12 million people in a context of glamour and fun

8
00:01:08,215 --> 00:01:12,606
and you'd be associated with actors
and actresses who give pleasure to millions.

9
00:01:12,775 --> 00:01:17,166
- That's not a recommendation?
- Isn't it a bad idea to be associated with actors?

10
00:01:17,335 --> 00:01:22,489
Their job is pretending to be what they're not.
If you're seen with them, people might realise.

11
00:01:24,215 --> 00:01:27,764
- Go on, Bernard.
- Well, I... I mean, er, not realise...

12
00:01:27,935 --> 00:01:31,689
...might suspect... might think that you were, er...

13
00:01:31,855 --> 00:01:34,653
Not that you were pretending, er... entertaining...

14
00:01:34,815 --> 00:01:39,650
- What was it you wanted to speak to Bill about?
- You said this wouldn't be controversial.

15
00:01:39,815 --> 00:01:44,525
No other politicians are there. Actors and
actresses are usually nice to politicians.

16
00:01:44,695 --> 00:01:47,607
They dish out flattery as eagerly as they lap it up.

17
00:01:47,775 --> 00:01:50,209
- Do they?
- Sometimes.

18
00:01:50,375 --> 00:01:52,570
- What about this?
- Yes, I'm sorry.

19
00:01:52,735 --> 00:01:57,855
We didn't know how small the Arts Council grant
would be when we accepted the invitation.

20
00:01:58,015 --> 00:02:00,734
You knew we were being criticised over the arts.

21
00:02:00,895 --> 00:02:04,649
All governments are always criticised
for not giving enough to the arts.

22
00:02:04,815 --> 00:02:08,125
It's how arts journalists
suck up to actors and producers.

23
00:02:08,295 --> 00:02:11,844
That's how they get back on speaking terms
after giving bad reviews.

24
00:02:12,015 --> 00:02:17,169
- And the grant was only finalised yesterday.
- Almost no increase for the National Theatre.

25
00:02:17,335 --> 00:02:21,647
Its managing director will make a speech
introducing me at the dinner.

26
00:02:21,815 --> 00:02:25,205
- Yes.
- Snide remarks, sarcastic jokes.

27
00:02:25,375 --> 00:02:28,765
Attacking me for my meanness.
The philistine at No.10.

28
00:02:28,935 --> 00:02:32,166
Live in front of 12 million people.

29
00:02:32,335 --> 00:02:34,565
Yes, but Bill didn't know.

30
00:02:34,735 --> 00:02:39,809
What about when I speak? A hostile audience.
Do you think there'll be boos?

31
00:02:39,975 --> 00:02:42,967
Bound to be and we don't have to pay for it.

32
00:02:43,135 --> 00:02:46,286
Not booze, Bernard, I mean boos. Boo! Ssss!

33
00:02:47,575 --> 00:02:53,013
Send the Arts Minister along instead, so they can
all blame him. That's what junior ministers are for.

34
00:02:53,175 --> 00:02:57,646
I can see the headlines. "Jim chickens out.
PM runs away from his critics."

35
00:02:57,815 --> 00:03:00,966
If there was a major crisis,
you wouldn't need to go.

36
00:03:01,135 --> 00:03:05,333
- Is there a major crisis coming up?
- Not really, Prime Minister.

37
00:03:05,495 --> 00:03:09,488
Is there a distant crisis
that we could bring forward?

38
00:03:10,575 --> 00:03:13,726
What sort of crisis would justify cancellation?

39
00:03:13,895 --> 00:03:18,605
Pound plunges, small war in the South Atlantic,
nuclear power station catches fire.

40
00:03:18,775 --> 00:03:21,733
I don't think any of those things
would improve my image.

41
00:03:21,895 --> 00:03:26,650
It'd justify you staying away. I know!
What about the death of a Cabinet colleague?

42
00:03:26,815 --> 00:03:30,728
Ooh. Is one imminent?

43
00:03:30,895 --> 00:03:35,286
Er, no, but that would justify your absence
without damaging your image.

44
00:03:35,455 --> 00:03:39,812
We can hardly hope for that
to fall on the right day. Well, not by accident.

45
00:03:42,095 --> 00:03:43,653
- I need help.
- You do!

46
00:03:43,815 --> 00:03:47,728
- You do?
- Got to make a speech. It could be embarrassing.

47
00:03:47,895 --> 00:03:53,925
Prime Minister, your speeches are nothing like
as embarrassing as they used to be. In fact...

48
00:03:54,095 --> 00:03:58,088
- Not the speech, Humphrey, the occasion.
- Ah, yes, indeed. Why?

49
00:03:58,255 --> 00:04:02,294
It's to be to a hostile audience
of posturing, theatrical drunks.

50
00:04:02,455 --> 00:04:05,652
- The House of Commons, you mean?
- No, Humphrey.

51
00:04:05,815 --> 00:04:10,843
The annual awards dinner of the British theatre.
I'm to be their guest of honour.

52
00:04:11,015 --> 00:04:15,008
You're worried that they won't honour their guest
in view of the small grant.

53
00:04:15,175 --> 00:04:18,770
It's difficult to influence
the National Theatre's managing director.

54
00:04:18,935 --> 00:04:22,132
- I'm on the board of governors.
- Are you indeed?

55
00:04:22,295 --> 00:04:26,083
Perhaps you can tell me,
how do I make them feel that I'm one of them?

56
00:04:26,255 --> 00:04:30,646
Well, surely you don't want them to see you
as a posturing, theatrical drunk.

57
00:04:30,815 --> 00:04:32,931
Perhaps they do already.

58
00:04:35,215 --> 00:04:37,775
It's on TV. I don't want a hostile reception.

59
00:04:37,935 --> 00:04:42,133
With respect, Prime Minister,
if one is going to walk into the lion's den,

60
00:04:42,295 --> 00:04:44,889
one should not take away the lion's dinner.

61
00:04:45,055 --> 00:04:49,048
- So what's your advice?
- Give them more dinner.

62
00:04:49,215 --> 00:04:52,685
Increase the grant to the Arts Council.
Only two million or so.

63
00:04:52,855 --> 00:04:57,133
- It'd make it a fairly expensive dinner.
- Well, it is the Grosvenor.

64
00:04:57,295 --> 00:05:01,891
As a governor of that subversive body,
you have a vested interest, don't you?

65
00:05:02,055 --> 00:05:04,523
- In fact, a conflict of interests.
- How so?

66
00:05:04,695 --> 00:05:09,894
That bloody place puts on plays attacking me.
They set "The Comedy of Errors" in No.10.

67
00:05:10,055 --> 00:05:14,048
- Oh, Prime...
- Don't deny it. I know who they were getting at.

68
00:05:14,215 --> 00:05:17,173
And a play attacked my nuclear policy. A farce.

69
00:05:17,335 --> 00:05:20,054
- The policy?
- No, Humphrey, the play.

70
00:05:21,055 --> 00:05:24,650
- Why do they do it?
- Well, it's very healthy, Prime Minister.

71
00:05:24,815 --> 00:05:26,407
- Healthy?
- Yes.

72
00:05:26,575 --> 00:05:31,171
Practically nobody goes to political plays
and half that do don't understand them,

73
00:05:31,335 --> 00:05:33,769
and half that understand them don't agree,

74
00:05:33,935 --> 00:05:37,974
and the seven left would've voted
against the government anyway.

75
00:05:38,135 --> 00:05:40,330
It helps people let off steam

76
00:05:40,495 --> 00:05:44,886
and you are seen as a democratic statesman
for subsidising your critics.

77
00:05:46,055 --> 00:05:48,410
People who want to criticise me
should pay at the box office!

78
00:05:48,575 --> 00:05:51,772
Oh, Prime Minister,
they'd never make enough money.

79
00:05:51,935 --> 00:05:56,850
Plays criticising the government make
the second most boring evenings ever invented.

80
00:05:57,015 --> 00:05:59,654
They insult... What are the most boring?

81
00:05:59,815 --> 00:06:02,568
Plays praising the government.

82
00:06:02,735 --> 00:06:07,729
- They insult me and then expect more money?
- Yes, it is a rather undignified posture.

83
00:06:07,895 --> 00:06:12,332
Artists always crawl towards the government
on their knees, shaking their fists.

84
00:06:12,495 --> 00:06:16,204
- Beating me over the head with begging bowls.
- Sorry to be pedantic.

85
00:06:16,375 --> 00:06:22,291
They can't beat you over the head if they're
on their knees unless they've got very long arms.

86
00:06:22,455 --> 00:06:25,128
- Get off the floor.
- Yes, I'm sorry.

87
00:06:25,295 --> 00:06:30,210
- There are no votes in giving money to the arts.
- But terrible publicity if you take it away.

88
00:06:30,375 --> 00:06:34,607
The arts lobby is middle class.
It's one of the few ways they get their tax back.

89
00:06:34,775 --> 00:06:39,371
Mortgage tax relief, university grants,
lump-sum pensions, Radio 3,

90
00:06:39,535 --> 00:06:42,527
and subsidised seats at the theatre,
opera and concerts.

91
00:06:42,695 --> 00:06:44,686
You can't begrudge it us.

92
00:06:44,855 --> 00:06:46,652
Them.

93
00:06:46,815 --> 00:06:52,128
People can spend their own money. Why should
government money be spent on pleasure?

94
00:06:52,295 --> 00:06:56,891
Nobody could call it pleasure. The point is,
we have a great heritage to support.

95
00:06:57,055 --> 00:07:02,254
Pictures no one wants to see, music no one
wants to hear, plays no one wants to watch.

96
00:07:02,415 --> 00:07:07,011
You can't let them die
just because nobody's interested.

97
00:07:07,175 --> 00:07:11,168
- Why not?
- Well, it's a bit like the Church of England.

98
00:07:11,335 --> 00:07:15,726
People don't go to church,
but they feel better because it's there.

99
00:07:15,895 --> 00:07:17,931
The arts are just the same.

100
00:07:18,095 --> 00:07:22,566
As long as they're going on,
you can feel part of a civilised nation.

101
00:07:22,735 --> 00:07:25,727
There are no votes in the arts.
Nobody's interested.

102
00:07:25,895 --> 00:07:29,604
Nobody's interested
in the Social Science Research Council

103
00:07:29,775 --> 00:07:34,974
or the Dumping at Sea Representation Panel,
but government still pays to support them.

104
00:07:35,135 --> 00:07:38,332
- They do some good.
- They don't, Prime Minister.

105
00:07:38,495 --> 00:07:41,328
They hardly do anything at all.

106
00:07:41,495 --> 00:07:45,488
- Well, let's abolish them!
- No, no, no, no!

107
00:07:45,655 --> 00:07:51,207
They are symbols. You don't fund them
for doing work but to show what you approve of.

108
00:07:51,375 --> 00:07:55,971
Most government expenditure is symbolic.
The Arts Council is a symbol.

109
00:07:56,135 --> 00:08:00,890
- You're getting off the point.
- I'm sorry, Prime Minister. What was the point?

110
00:08:01,895 --> 00:08:04,090
What was the point, Bernard?

111
00:08:05,095 --> 00:08:07,484
Er, the point of what?

112
00:08:07,655 --> 00:08:12,570
Oh, how to stop the managing director of
the National Theatre criticising you in his speech.

113
00:08:12,735 --> 00:08:15,329
I suggest you have a quiet word with him.

114
00:08:15,495 --> 00:08:19,647
Say the knighthood that usually goes
with the job is within the gift of the PM.

115
00:08:19,815 --> 00:08:22,693
He said he couldn't care less about a knighthood.

116
00:08:22,855 --> 00:08:27,485
Huh! Everybody says that about knighthoods
until they're dangled in front of them.

117
00:08:28,695 --> 00:08:31,084
Don't they, Sir Humphrey?

118
00:08:34,935 --> 00:08:37,449
He talked about your putting on plays
attacking him.

119
00:08:37,615 --> 00:08:40,925
Did you point out
no one's ever submitted a play defending him?

120
00:08:41,095 --> 00:08:43,928
Well, I'm not sure that would've helped.

121
00:08:44,095 --> 00:08:48,088
What about next year's Arts Council grant?
Will they get the extra 30 million?

122
00:08:48,255 --> 00:08:51,850
My dear Simon,
I couldn't disclose the figure in advance,

123
00:08:52,015 --> 00:08:54,813
least of all to the MD of the National Theatre.

124
00:08:58,815 --> 00:09:01,010
Have some of these.

125
00:09:12,295 --> 00:09:14,013
Excuse me.

126
00:09:14,175 --> 00:09:16,769
Only six? You're not serious?

127
00:09:16,935 --> 00:09:20,245
That's the new diet.
Six breadsticks is the absolute maximum.

128
00:09:20,415 --> 00:09:23,248
Is that gross breadsticks or net breadsticks?

129
00:09:24,815 --> 00:09:27,966
- Net breadsticks.
- So what'll we get at the National?

130
00:09:33,295 --> 00:09:35,490
- Only one?
- Shh, shh, shh.

131
00:09:39,695 --> 00:09:42,846
How can we manage
on one and half million pounds?

132
00:09:43,015 --> 00:09:49,363
- I don't know where you got that figure from.
- Look, you've got to help me. What can I do?

133
00:09:49,535 --> 00:09:55,132
You mean, if the grant figure,
which of course we do not yet know,

134
00:09:55,295 --> 00:10:00,323
were to be not just less than you told the press
was the absolute minimum to stave off disaster

135
00:10:00,495 --> 00:10:03,805
but lower than the REAL minimum required
to stave off disaster?

136
00:10:03,975 --> 00:10:06,853
- Yes.
- I can't help you, even though I'm on the board.

137
00:10:07,015 --> 00:10:12,214
Let me be quite clear about this, Simon.
I am here to represent the PM's interests.

138
00:10:12,375 --> 00:10:15,572
There are certain things
which would gravely upset him.

139
00:10:15,735 --> 00:10:19,489
I must urge you, on his behalf,
not to contemplate them.

140
00:10:20,295 --> 00:10:22,445
Good. What are they?

141
00:10:22,615 --> 00:10:26,324
You'll be making the speech
introducing him at the awards dinner.

142
00:10:26,495 --> 00:10:29,532
It would be a courtesy to send a draft to No.10
in advance.

143
00:10:29,695 --> 00:10:32,892
- For approval?
- Well, let's say for information.

144
00:10:33,055 --> 00:10:35,853
Now, the Prime Minister is extremely anxious

145
00:10:36,015 --> 00:10:39,724
that the speech should not refer
to the modesty of the grant increase.

146
00:10:39,895 --> 00:10:42,728
There are certain words he'd like you to avoid.

147
00:10:42,895 --> 00:10:45,728
Miserly... philistine...

148
00:10:47,175 --> 00:10:50,645
...barbarism... skinflint...

149
00:10:51,735 --> 00:10:53,532
...killjoy.

150
00:10:55,135 --> 00:10:59,845
He'd also like you to avoid all reference to
how much more other countries spend on the arts.

151
00:11:00,015 --> 00:11:03,007
- What are the figures?
- Here you are.

152
00:11:04,055 --> 00:11:06,774
To make sure you don't mention them by mistake.

153
00:11:07,735 --> 00:11:10,329
I certainly won't mention them by mistake.

154
00:11:10,495 --> 00:11:13,293
And thirdly, and most important of all,

155
00:11:13,455 --> 00:11:17,653
he wants no comparison between
the extra money your theatre needs

156
00:11:17,815 --> 00:11:22,411
and certain sums that the government
spent last year on certain projects.

157
00:11:22,575 --> 00:11:28,252
- Such as?
- Well, let's say the figure were to be four million.

158
00:11:28,415 --> 00:11:30,724
Purely as an example, of course.

159
00:11:30,895 --> 00:11:34,092
The PM earnestly hopes that your speech

160
00:11:34,255 --> 00:11:38,453
will not refer to the fact
that the government spent five million

161
00:11:38,615 --> 00:11:43,166
on radar equipment for a fighter plane
that had already been scrapped.

162
00:11:44,695 --> 00:11:47,289
Or that the Department of Energy had been able

163
00:11:47,455 --> 00:11:52,768
to stockpile a thousand years' supply
of filing tabs.

164
00:11:52,935 --> 00:11:58,453
Or that another department
had stocked up with a million tins of Vim.

165
00:11:59,895 --> 00:12:02,090
Etcetera, etcetera, etcetera.

166
00:12:02,255 --> 00:12:06,328
- Thank you very much.
- Thank you so much. That was delicious.

167
00:12:07,975 --> 00:12:12,446
- He never even goes to the theatre, does he?
- Well, he can't, really.

168
00:12:12,615 --> 00:12:18,326
He's frightened of giving the cartoonists
and gossip columnists too much ammunition.

169
00:12:18,495 --> 00:12:23,888
He couldn't go to "A Month In The Country" for
fear of starting rumours about a general election.

170
00:12:24,055 --> 00:12:27,047
And he couldn't go to your production
of "The Rivals"

171
00:12:27,215 --> 00:12:30,207
because so many ministers were after his job.

172
00:12:30,375 --> 00:12:33,173
He couldn't go to "The School For Scandal".

173
00:12:33,335 --> 00:12:36,725
Well, not after the Education Secretary

174
00:12:36,895 --> 00:12:41,571
had been found in bed
with that married primary-school headmistress.

175
00:12:41,735 --> 00:12:45,330
- I see.
- And then there was that play by Ibsen.

176
00:12:45,495 --> 00:12:48,293
- Oh, dear, what's it...
- "The Master Builder"?

177
00:12:48,455 --> 00:12:50,252
Hardly.

178
00:12:50,415 --> 00:12:53,646
I was thinking of "An Enemy Of The People".

179
00:12:53,815 --> 00:12:55,806
Say no more.

180
00:13:01,095 --> 00:13:04,690
(ANNOUNCER) Sir William and Lady Langthorne.

181
00:13:04,855 --> 00:13:07,608
Mr and Mrs Simon Monk.

182
00:13:13,135 --> 00:13:15,126
- No, no, it's me.
- Oh, sorry.

183
00:13:15,295 --> 00:13:17,889
- I think that's the lot.
- We can stand down?

184
00:13:18,055 --> 00:13:20,853
- Yes, Mrs Hacker.
- Thank goodness for that!

185
00:13:21,015 --> 00:13:25,611
Nice you're taking such trouble over theatre
people, even though they're not important.

186
00:13:25,775 --> 00:13:28,573
- They're extremely important.
- In what way?

187
00:13:28,735 --> 00:13:31,454
Showbiz people have a hotline to the media.

188
00:13:31,615 --> 00:13:35,324
If you're on "EastEnders",
the press want your opinion on everything.

189
00:13:35,495 --> 00:13:38,487
- Why?
- Editors like to sell their papers.

190
00:13:38,655 --> 00:13:42,694
Start an article with a picture of Dirty Den,
everybody wants to read it.

191
00:13:42,855 --> 00:13:47,929
Start one with a picture of the Trade and
Industry Secretary, nobody wants to read it.

192
00:13:48,095 --> 00:13:51,724
They all turn into supporters
after a few glasses of warm sherry?

193
00:13:51,895 --> 00:13:56,685
Some do. That's why we dish out a couple
of OBEs and a knighthood every New Year.

194
00:13:56,855 --> 00:14:02,009
Keeps them hoping. Stops them attacking the
government the next time they're on "Wogan".

195
00:14:02,175 --> 00:14:07,169
Prime Minister, the Arts Minister's
rather anxious to have a word with you.

196
00:14:07,335 --> 00:14:11,408
There's going to be trouble
when they find out how small the grant is.

197
00:14:11,575 --> 00:14:14,692
We'll just have to brazen it out. Won't you?

198
00:14:16,295 --> 00:14:20,493
- I think we'll have to try to find a bit more.
- We've been through all this.

199
00:14:20,655 --> 00:14:24,648
- The theatre brings in tourists.
- Let the Tourist Board subsidise them.

200
00:14:24,815 --> 00:14:27,613
They say they've better ways of attracting them.

201
00:14:27,775 --> 00:14:32,326
We're subsidising bad ways of attracting tourists?
No, we've spent enough on the arts.

202
00:14:32,495 --> 00:14:36,932
We'd have to spend it anyway.
It's a concealed way of preserving old buildings.

203
00:14:37,095 --> 00:14:41,885
- How do you mean?
- All these theatres, art galleries and museums

204
00:14:42,055 --> 00:14:46,128
are listed buildings we'd have to maintain,
and they're totally useless.

205
00:14:46,295 --> 00:14:51,289
So we put in central heating and a caretaker
to make it look as if we're preserving the arts.

206
00:14:51,455 --> 00:14:55,368
- Let's sell them.
- We can't. They're ancient monuments.

207
00:14:55,535 --> 00:14:57,526
Hm, like the Cabinet.

208
00:14:58,655 --> 00:15:00,691
Mind you, I'd sell THEM if I could.

209
00:15:00,855 --> 00:15:06,885
Isn't it better to wait until the figure is published?
If I try to lobby him now, he won't say anything.

210
00:15:07,055 --> 00:15:09,444
But you want him to DO something.

211
00:15:09,615 --> 00:15:12,812
- But if I wait...
- Then the figure will be published.

212
00:15:12,975 --> 00:15:17,571
Everyone will be committed to it
and they'll have to stick with it to save face.

213
00:15:17,735 --> 00:15:22,286
To change government decisions,
do it before anybody knows they're being made.

214
00:15:22,455 --> 00:15:27,290
- Isn't that rather difficult?
- Yes. That's what the Civil Service is for.

215
00:15:27,455 --> 00:15:31,926
- To change government decisions?
- Well, only the bad ones.

216
00:15:32,095 --> 00:15:33,892
That's most of them, of course.

217
00:15:34,855 --> 00:15:38,609
- Do you really believe in the British theatre?
- Oh, yes, absolutely.

218
00:15:38,775 --> 00:15:42,893
- Why?
- Well, it's one of the great glories of England.

219
00:15:43,055 --> 00:15:46,889
- You mean Shakespeare?
- Shakespeare, yes, absolutely.

220
00:15:47,055 --> 00:15:49,853
- Who else?
- Who... er...

221
00:15:50,015 --> 00:15:52,927
Well... there's Shakespeare, of course,

222
00:15:53,095 --> 00:15:57,293
and... er... Sheridan, Oscar Wilde, Bernard Shaw.

223
00:15:57,455 --> 00:16:02,404
- They were all Irish.
- Well, Irish, English. Same thing then, wasn't it?

224
00:16:02,575 --> 00:16:05,965
- Bernard Shaw died in 1950.
- Oh, I'm so sorry.

225
00:16:08,575 --> 00:16:13,126
- Do you go to the theatre a lot?
- I'd love to, but you know how it is in my job.

226
00:16:14,415 --> 00:16:16,804
Shouldn't the PM go,
if it's one of the great glories of England?

227
00:16:16,975 --> 00:16:20,763
- Well, the Arts Minister goes. Part of his job.
- (MAN) Why?

228
00:16:20,935 --> 00:16:25,531
- The PM can't do everything. Have to delegate.
- Going to the theatre is work?

229
00:16:25,695 --> 00:16:29,404
Well, wouldn't like to trespass
on another minister's territory.

230
00:16:29,575 --> 00:16:33,045
You can't feel ill
without clearing it with the Health Minister?

231
00:16:33,855 --> 00:16:35,652
Not exactly.

232
00:16:36,695 --> 00:16:41,246
- But what about when you were in opposition?
- It was much the same.

233
00:16:41,415 --> 00:16:46,569
So when you say you believe in the theatre,
it's like believing in God. You believe it exists.

234
00:16:46,735 --> 00:16:49,249
No, no, I'm a great supporter.

235
00:16:49,415 --> 00:16:52,213
What was the last play you went to?

236
00:16:52,375 --> 00:16:54,172
Last pl... er...

237
00:16:56,055 --> 00:16:58,649
- I think it'd be "Hamlet".
- Whose?

238
00:16:59,855 --> 00:17:01,652
Shakespeare's.

239
00:17:04,015 --> 00:17:06,609
- Do you know who played Hamlet?
- Oh... er...

240
00:17:06,775 --> 00:17:08,766
Henry Irving?

241
00:17:10,015 --> 00:17:14,725
- Er, Sir Humphrey, could I have a word?
- Of course. Forgive me, Mrs Hacker.

242
00:17:15,735 --> 00:17:18,932
Sir Humphrey,
I don't think the PM's enjoying himself.

243
00:17:19,095 --> 00:17:23,088
He's not supposed to. Cocktail parties at No.10
are just a gruesome duty.

244
00:17:23,255 --> 00:17:26,850
- People keep asking him questions.
- He should be used to that.

245
00:17:27,015 --> 00:17:29,734
They weren't tabled in advance,
so he isn't briefed.

246
00:17:29,895 --> 00:17:33,934
- He's not on the record.
- Yes, but people will think he's a philistine.

247
00:17:34,095 --> 00:17:35,892
Good heavens!

248
00:17:36,855 --> 00:17:41,007
- I was wondering, should we go and rescue him?
- All right, leave it to me.

249
00:17:41,175 --> 00:17:44,884
We'll do what we can,
but there are many calls on the public purse.

250
00:17:45,055 --> 00:17:48,650
- Inner cities, hospitals, kidney machines.
- Tanks.

251
00:17:48,815 --> 00:17:50,646
- Rockets.
- H-bombs.

252
00:17:50,815 --> 00:17:55,013
We can't defend ourselves against the Russians
with a performance of "Henry V".

253
00:17:55,175 --> 00:17:57,928
Prime Minister. I'm so sorry, ladies.

254
00:17:58,895 --> 00:18:02,604
- This isn't a drinks party, it's a siege.
- I was about to suggest

255
00:18:02,775 --> 00:18:06,370
that you should talk to
the National Theatre's managing director.

256
00:18:06,535 --> 00:18:08,730
- You want me to face another salvo?
- No.

257
00:18:08,895 --> 00:18:12,490
I've tried to persuade him
to make the right sort of speech.

258
00:18:12,655 --> 00:18:16,091
- Have you? Thank you very much.
- Not at all.

259
00:18:16,255 --> 00:18:19,486
But you might have more success. Simon Monk.

260
00:18:19,655 --> 00:18:22,249
- Ah, Mr Monk.
- Prime Minister.

261
00:18:22,415 --> 00:18:26,203
- So you're going to introduce me at this dinner?
- That's right.

262
00:18:26,375 --> 00:18:29,367
Any idea what you're... going to say?

263
00:18:29,535 --> 00:18:33,494
Well... um... I suppose it depends, really.

264
00:18:33,655 --> 00:18:37,648
Yes, yes... On...?

265
00:18:37,815 --> 00:18:42,252
- On the size of the grant, I suppose.
- Of course, that's still under discussion.

266
00:18:42,415 --> 00:18:45,612
Of course, but if it were to be generous,

267
00:18:45,775 --> 00:18:49,768
I could talk about the way this government
has got its priorities right,

268
00:18:49,935 --> 00:18:52,813
believing in Britain's heritage, what it stands for.

269
00:18:52,975 --> 00:18:56,729
Terrific, terrific. Of course, if I can't...

270
00:18:56,895 --> 00:19:00,604
That is, if the Arts Minister
can't cough up as much as you'd hoped.

271
00:19:00,775 --> 00:19:03,972
Ah, well, that would be... rather difficult.

272
00:19:04,135 --> 00:19:08,128
- You wouldn't want to make it political.
- Not for myself, of course not.

273
00:19:08,295 --> 00:19:12,049
But my colleagues would expect me
to voice their feelings.

274
00:19:12,215 --> 00:19:16,970
There are many calls on the public purse.
Inner cities, hospitals, kidney machines.

275
00:19:17,135 --> 00:19:21,925
Yes. I thought perhaps the best way round it
would be to make it funny.

276
00:19:22,095 --> 00:19:24,290
- Funny?
- Yes.

277
00:19:24,455 --> 00:19:28,243
List ways the government spends the money
it can't afford for the arts.

278
00:19:28,415 --> 00:19:31,612
Did you know that in one year
one London borough

279
00:19:31,775 --> 00:19:36,565
spent �1 million on hotels for families
when it had 4,000 empty council houses?

280
00:19:36,735 --> 00:19:39,203
Isn't that hilarious?

281
00:19:39,375 --> 00:19:43,971
- Of course, local government.
- Yes, yes, but it is all government, isn't it?

282
00:19:44,135 --> 00:19:46,729
The taxpayer pays the Rate Support Grant.

283
00:19:46,895 --> 00:19:53,084
And did you know that another council spends
�100 a week on a toenail-cutting administrator?

284
00:19:53,895 --> 00:20:00,289
One city was employing four gas-lamp lighters
eight years after the last gas lamp was removed.

285
00:20:00,455 --> 00:20:02,173
That cost a quarter of a million.
Should get a good laugh.

286
00:20:04,615 --> 00:20:07,812
Not to mention the council that spent �730

287
00:20:07,975 --> 00:20:10,887
having two square yards of shrubbery weeded.

288
00:20:11,055 --> 00:20:16,652
And the government office block scheduled for
demolition two weeks before it was completed.

289
00:20:16,815 --> 00:20:22,128
That should go down rather well at the dinner
and make jolly good TV, don't you agree?

290
00:20:22,295 --> 00:20:27,085
- So nice to meet you.
- I just hope you realise, Prime Minister,

291
00:20:27,255 --> 00:20:31,453
that unless we get a substantial rise,
the National Theatre will collapse

292
00:20:31,615 --> 00:20:35,005
and there'll be a huge empty building
on the South Bank,

293
00:20:35,175 --> 00:20:39,134
a decaying monument
to this government's barbarism.

294
00:20:43,055 --> 00:20:46,252
Where did he get those examples
of government waste?

295
00:20:46,415 --> 00:20:48,804
I really can't imagine.

296
00:20:51,415 --> 00:20:54,293
- The National Theatre may call my bluff.
- What is your bluff?

297
00:20:54,455 --> 00:20:57,652
- That I'm willing to risk their bluff.
- What's their bluff?

298
00:20:57,815 --> 00:21:01,364
- Their bluff is they think I'm bluffing, whereas...
- You are.

299
00:21:03,175 --> 00:21:05,325
I don't know now.

300
00:21:05,495 --> 00:21:09,807
- You mean you're playing blind man's bluff.
- May I just clarify this?

301
00:21:09,975 --> 00:21:12,967
You think the National Theatre
thinks you are bluffing.

302
00:21:13,135 --> 00:21:15,444
They think you think THEY are bluffing,

303
00:21:15,615 --> 00:21:19,449
whereas your bluff is to make them think
you are bluffing when you're not.

304
00:21:19,615 --> 00:21:22,812
If you are,
your bluff is to make them think you're not.

305
00:21:22,975 --> 00:21:28,049
Their bluff must be that they're bluffing because
if they're not bluffing, they're not bluffing.

306
00:21:28,215 --> 00:21:32,128
Thank you, Bernard. An invaluable contribution.

307
00:21:32,295 --> 00:21:36,891
What is your policy? Will you risk their refusing
to continue if you don't increase the grant?

308
00:21:37,055 --> 00:21:42,254
I shall just have to go on re-stating my policy,
I think, until... until...

309
00:21:42,415 --> 00:21:45,248
Until you know what it is.

310
00:21:45,415 --> 00:21:48,407
Dorothy, you've got to help me.
This is a hot potato.

311
00:21:48,575 --> 00:21:51,692
If I don't do anything,
it could turn into a banana skin.

312
00:21:51,855 --> 00:21:55,643
- A hot potato can't become a banana skin.
- What?

313
00:21:55,815 --> 00:21:59,603
If you don't do anything,
a hot potato just becomes a cold potato.

314
00:21:59,775 --> 00:22:03,131
May I make a suggestion? I have a plan.

315
00:22:03,295 --> 00:22:05,889
- A plan? Yes, good. What?
- Call their bluff.

316
00:22:06,055 --> 00:22:11,652
Sell the National Theatre building. It's a prime site.
It's on the South Bank overlooking St Paul's.

317
00:22:11,815 --> 00:22:14,613
- Sell it? To whom?
- To a property developer.

318
00:22:14,775 --> 00:22:19,644
- We'd get �30- or �40 million for it.
- But we wouldn't have a National Theatre!

319
00:22:19,815 --> 00:22:23,524
We'd have sold the building, not the company.

320
00:22:23,695 --> 00:22:29,804
The National Theatre gets �7 million a year.
Nearly half goes on the upkeep of the buildings.

321
00:22:29,975 --> 00:22:35,049
That could go into productions by all
the subsidised companies all over the country.

322
00:22:35,215 --> 00:22:39,413
Monk said he didn't think they ought
to have to spend their grant in that way.

323
00:22:39,575 --> 00:22:43,727
He said the theatre should be about plays,
not about bricks and mortar.

324
00:22:43,895 --> 00:22:49,606
- Where would they put on their plays?
- There are plenty of theatres all over the country.

325
00:22:49,775 --> 00:22:54,246
- They could rent them like any other producer.
- Dorothy, this is brilliant!

326
00:22:54,415 --> 00:22:58,169
The theatre's about plays and actors,
not maintaining buildings.

327
00:22:58,335 --> 00:23:01,293
And it'd make the company genuinely national.

328
00:23:01,455 --> 00:23:05,164
And we could give the �3 million
to put on their productions.

329
00:23:05,335 --> 00:23:09,533
The government would still make a net profit
of over �30 million!

330
00:23:09,695 --> 00:23:12,163
Nobody could call me a philistine then!

331
00:23:12,335 --> 00:23:14,974
Not unless they knew you.

332
00:23:18,295 --> 00:23:22,891
- Prime Minister, you remember Simon Monk?
- Ah, Mr Monk, yes.

333
00:23:23,055 --> 00:23:27,253
- This is very bad news about the grant.
- Surely not. It's gone up.

334
00:23:27,415 --> 00:23:31,203
- Nothing like enough.
- Enough for it to be unnecessary for you to...?

335
00:23:31,375 --> 00:23:33,843
- I'm afraid not.
- Oh.

336
00:23:34,015 --> 00:23:37,690
I was hoping to do something
really significant next year.

337
00:23:37,855 --> 00:23:42,087
You said you had to spend
nearly half your grant on upkeep.

338
00:23:42,255 --> 00:23:46,453
- I have a plan to relieve you of that.
- Really? That would be marvellous.

339
00:23:46,615 --> 00:23:50,403
Wouldn't it? And it'd make the National Theatre
really national.

340
00:23:50,575 --> 00:23:55,569
- What do you mean?
- I'm thinking of selling the National Theatre.

341
00:23:55,735 --> 00:23:58,932
- Selling it?
- I knew you'd be pleased.

342
00:23:59,855 --> 00:24:03,848
- That way we can save �3 million on upkeep.
- This is impossible!

343
00:24:04,015 --> 00:24:07,007
No, it's easy.
We've had a terrific offer for the site.

344
00:24:07,175 --> 00:24:10,372
- The National Theatre must have a base.
- And it will.

345
00:24:10,535 --> 00:24:16,007
You could have inexpensive offices
in Brixton or Toxteth... or Middlesbrough.

346
00:24:17,135 --> 00:24:19,854
What about the theatres, the workshops?

347
00:24:20,015 --> 00:24:26,170
You could hire them. Put on productions in the
West End or the Old Vic or provincial theatres.

348
00:24:26,335 --> 00:24:28,644
Become strolling players again

349
00:24:28,815 --> 00:24:32,888
- instead of... civil servants.
- But that would be disastrous!

350
00:24:33,055 --> 00:24:37,048
Surely not. Didn't you say the theatre
wasn't about bricks and mortar?

351
00:24:37,215 --> 00:24:42,289
Yes, yes, but that was...
Look, the National Theatre must have a home!

352
00:24:42,455 --> 00:24:45,652
And so it will. Lots of homes.

353
00:24:45,815 --> 00:24:49,410
All the subsidised theatres
would be called national theatres.

354
00:24:49,575 --> 00:24:55,525
There'd be the National Theatre at Glasgow,
at Sheffield, at Bristol, and so on.

355
00:24:55,695 --> 00:25:01,292
And that three million can help them all. You'd
be the London branch of the National Theatre.

356
00:25:01,455 --> 00:25:05,130
- That'd be popular with the whole profession.
- Barbarism!

357
00:25:05,295 --> 00:25:09,573
- Spending money on actors instead of buildings?
- Yes. Well, no, no...

358
00:25:09,735 --> 00:25:12,932
- Um...
- Anyway, it's just one of my options.

359
00:25:13,095 --> 00:25:16,292
I may decide against it... or I may not.

360
00:25:16,735 --> 00:25:21,047
I could outline it in my speech... if necessary.

361
00:25:23,295 --> 00:25:25,763
- It all depends.
- On...?

362
00:25:27,415 --> 00:25:30,805
Have you decided what you'll say
in your speech yet?

363
00:25:30,975 --> 00:25:32,772
Yes.

364
00:25:32,935 --> 00:25:36,405
Oh... er... well... not finally.

365
00:25:36,575 --> 00:25:41,365
I wondered if those jokes about
government waste were really very funny.

366
00:25:41,535 --> 00:25:44,095
Of course, it's your decision.

367
00:25:44,255 --> 00:25:46,246
I'm sure you understand me.

368
00:25:49,575 --> 00:25:53,807
(GAVEL BANGED THREE TIMES)

369
00:25:54,815 --> 00:25:58,933
Mr Prime Minister, my lords,
ladies and gentlemen,

370
00:25:59,095 --> 00:26:05,125
pray silence for Simon Monk, Esquire,
the managing director of the National Theatre.

371
00:26:09,015 --> 00:26:12,405
Mr Prime Minster, my lords,
ladies and gentlemen...

372
00:26:19,535 --> 00:26:24,325
You will have read of the grant
for the Arts Council and the National Theatre.

373
00:26:24,495 --> 00:26:29,694
I know many of us are... disappointed
by the amount.

374
00:26:32,095 --> 00:26:36,885
We'd have all liked it to have been larger,
but this is a time of national stringency

375
00:26:37,055 --> 00:26:40,047
and we must think in terms of national needs.

376
00:26:40,215 --> 00:26:42,934
There are many calls on the public purse.

377
00:26:43,095 --> 00:26:49,011
Education, inner cities, health...
kidney machines.

378
00:26:51,615 --> 00:26:56,814
We should be glad that any increase has been
possible and grateful to our guest of honour

379
00:26:56,975 --> 00:27:02,368
whose personal intervention made even
this small breadstick possible... er, increase.

380
00:27:05,655 --> 00:27:11,287
Ladies and gentlemen, to our guest of honour,
the patron of the arts, the Prime Minister.

381
00:27:11,455 --> 00:27:16,927
- My lords, ladies and gentlemen, the toast is...
- Excellent speech, don't you think, Humphrey?

382
00:27:17,095 --> 00:27:21,168
...the patron of the arts, the Prime Minister.
- Yes, Prime Minister.

383
00:27:21,335 --> 00:27:24,054
(ALL) The Prime Minister.

384
00:28:46,654 --> 00:28:51,444
- The Chief Whip and Party Chairman to see you.
- Take a seat. I'll be right with you.

385
00:28:51,614 --> 00:28:55,209
Bernard, take a seat.
I want you here for this meeting.

386
00:28:55,374 --> 00:28:59,083
- Isn't this a party matter?
- It's also a government matter.

387
00:28:59,254 --> 00:29:02,849
- It's about our education policy.
- The government's or party's?

388
00:29:03,014 --> 00:29:06,802
- It's the same thing.
- With respect, they're not the same thing.

389
00:29:06,974 --> 00:29:09,363
- That's why we want the meeting.
- It seems...

390
00:29:09,534 --> 00:29:11,809
Bernard... sit!

391
00:29:16,094 --> 00:29:17,686
Stay.

392
00:29:19,534 --> 00:29:21,331
What's the problem?

393
00:29:21,494 --> 00:29:23,928
- Education.
- What can I do about it?

394
00:29:24,094 --> 00:29:27,291
- You're the Prime Minister.
- Yes, I know.

395
00:29:27,454 --> 00:29:30,173
I have no direct control over education.

396
00:29:30,334 --> 00:29:35,692
I don't control the curriculum or exams. I don't
control the choice of head teachers. Nothing.

397
00:29:35,854 --> 00:29:39,813
The voters hold you responsible for everything.
You do have influence.

398
00:29:39,974 --> 00:29:45,970
I'm fed up with it. When I became PM, I thought
I'd have power. And what have I got? Influence.

399
00:29:46,134 --> 00:29:48,932
I've got no power over the police, the rates,

400
00:29:49,094 --> 00:29:54,248
EEC directives, European courts, our courts,
the judges, NATO.

401
00:29:54,414 --> 00:29:58,123
- What have I got the power to do?
- Lose us the next election.

402
00:29:58,294 --> 00:30:01,127
Which you will if you don't tackle education.

403
00:30:01,294 --> 00:30:05,890
The voters want something done
about low academic attainment.

404
00:30:06,054 --> 00:30:08,773
- Sex education!
- I'm not against sex education.

405
00:30:08,934 --> 00:30:14,770
I'm not against children being taught the facts
of life in class, but not homosexual technique!

406
00:30:14,934 --> 00:30:19,132
- Or heterosexual technique, come to that.
- Where should they learn it?

407
00:30:19,294 --> 00:30:21,762
Behind the bike sheds like we did!

408
00:30:22,774 --> 00:30:24,810
Did you?

409
00:30:25,494 --> 00:30:27,485
Never mind sexual technique.

410
00:30:27,654 --> 00:30:30,851
Some of our schools are teaching
more Hindi than English.

411
00:30:31,014 --> 00:30:35,485
I know English is more important,
but I daren't say so or I'd be accused of racism.

412
00:30:35,654 --> 00:30:39,852
When I met the Ethnic Awareness Council,
I happened to glance at my watch

413
00:30:40,014 --> 00:30:44,849
when a black woman delegate was speaking
and I was accused of racist body language.

414
00:30:45,014 --> 00:30:46,606
And sexist.

415
00:30:46,774 --> 00:30:50,972
- I get the message. What do you want me to do?
- Get a grip on education.

416
00:30:51,134 --> 00:30:54,331
Get Henry to do something
about the Department of Education.

417
00:30:54,494 --> 00:30:56,928
- They've got him house-trained.
- Sack him.

418
00:30:57,094 --> 00:30:59,562
I can't have another Cabinet convulsion.

419
00:30:59,734 --> 00:31:03,249
- Then invite the opposition leader's wife here.
- What can she do?

420
00:31:03,414 --> 00:31:06,406
Start measuring up for carpets and curtains.

421
00:31:09,414 --> 00:31:12,406
Yes, right, fine. This afternoon?

422
00:31:12,574 --> 00:31:16,533
- Bernard, I believe the PM wants to see me.
- Yes, Sir Humphrey.

423
00:31:16,694 --> 00:31:19,891
- What's his problem?
- Education.

424
00:31:20,054 --> 00:31:23,649
Well, it's a bit late to do anything about that now.

425
00:31:23,814 --> 00:31:26,806
- No, no, the education system.
- I see.

426
00:31:26,974 --> 00:31:31,411
- Bit late to do anything about that either.
- He thinks he'll lose the next election.

427
00:31:31,574 --> 00:31:35,852
- Worse things could befall the nation.
- He can't ignore facts.

428
00:31:36,014 --> 00:31:40,007
If he can't ignore facts,
he's got no business being a politician.

429
00:31:41,134 --> 00:31:44,331
Anyway, Bernard, he's got nothing to worry about.

430
00:31:44,494 --> 00:31:48,089
The education system does all
most parents require of it.

431
00:31:48,254 --> 00:31:50,973
Keeps children out of mischief
while they're at work.

432
00:31:51,134 --> 00:31:56,413
That paper the Party Chairman had suggests
the comprehensive system is breaking down.

433
00:31:56,574 --> 00:32:02,968
Bernard, I never thought to hear such language
from a loyal member of the Civil Service!

434
00:32:03,134 --> 00:32:07,286
- Have you been got at by the enemy?
- You mean the Russians?

435
00:32:09,094 --> 00:32:13,884
No, Bernard, I mean the Prime Minister's
political advisor - that Wainwright female.

436
00:32:14,054 --> 00:32:19,208
- Comprehensive education ought to be validated.
- Of course, but not invalidated.

437
00:32:19,374 --> 00:32:22,252
But if it was introduced to improve standards...

438
00:32:22,414 --> 00:32:25,611
Whatever gave you that idea?

439
00:32:26,574 --> 00:32:30,408
- You mean it was to get rid of class distinction?
- Precisely!

440
00:32:30,574 --> 00:32:32,769
- So that all children...
- Children?

441
00:32:32,934 --> 00:32:36,131
- Who mentioned children?
- I just...

442
00:32:36,294 --> 00:32:39,684
The Department of Education
never mentions children!

443
00:32:39,854 --> 00:32:44,803
No, no, no, no, Bernard. It was to get rid of
class distinction in the teaching profession.

444
00:32:46,614 --> 00:32:51,085
Improve the living standard of teachers,
not the educational standards of children.

445
00:32:51,254 --> 00:32:54,246
Bring the NUT teachers up to the salary level

446
00:32:54,414 --> 00:32:58,885
of their rivals in the National Association
of Schoolmasters in the grammar schools.

447
00:32:59,054 --> 00:33:02,046
- But the...
- When there is a Labour government,

448
00:33:02,214 --> 00:33:06,207
the Education Department says
comprehensives abolish the class system.

449
00:33:06,374 --> 00:33:10,970
When there's a Tory government, they say
it's the cheapest way to provide mass education.

450
00:33:11,134 --> 00:33:14,331
To Labour, we explain
that selective education is divisive

451
00:33:14,494 --> 00:33:17,930
and to the Tories we explain that it is expensive.

452
00:33:19,214 --> 00:33:25,210
That way, we have a happy relationship with the
NUT and we educate our own children privately.

453
00:33:27,214 --> 00:33:30,923
- But if the government wants change...
- The teaching unions don't.

454
00:33:31,094 --> 00:33:34,689
Isn't it our job to persuade unions
to accept government policy?

455
00:33:34,854 --> 00:33:39,006
No, it is our job to get the government
to accept union policy.

456
00:33:39,174 --> 00:33:44,965
Since government change policy all the time
and unions never change their policy at all,

457
00:33:45,134 --> 00:33:49,605
common sense requires that the government
be brought in line with the unions.

458
00:33:51,534 --> 00:33:54,606
Yes, Prime Minister?
Oh, fine. He can see you now.

459
00:33:55,654 --> 00:34:00,853
Sir Humphrey, he's very worried that he seems
responsible for something he can't change.

460
00:34:01,014 --> 00:34:04,006
Yes, I'm sure. Responsibility without power -

461
00:34:04,174 --> 00:34:07,291
the prerogative of the eunuch
throughout the ages.

462
00:34:07,454 --> 00:34:11,003
- Prime Minister.
- Good morning. What were you saying?

463
00:34:11,174 --> 00:34:15,087
Nothing. I understand you're worried
about the local education authority.

464
00:34:15,254 --> 00:34:21,363
- No, the Department of Education and Science.
- Indeed? I think the DES does a splendid job.

465
00:34:21,534 --> 00:34:26,688
Look what's happened to education.
This is a question from a Religious Studies paper.

466
00:34:26,854 --> 00:34:29,812
"Which do you prefer - atom bombs or charity?"

467
00:34:31,734 --> 00:34:33,725
Even maths is politicised.

468
00:34:33,894 --> 00:34:38,046
"If it costs �5 billion a year to maintain
Britain's nuclear defences

469
00:34:38,214 --> 00:34:41,809
"and �75 a year to feed a starving African child,

470
00:34:41,974 --> 00:34:44,772
"how many children
could be saved from starvation

471
00:34:44,934 --> 00:34:48,483
"if the Ministry of Defence
abandoned nuclear weapons?"

472
00:34:50,014 --> 00:34:54,212
That's easy. None. They'd spend it all
on conventional weapons.

473
00:34:54,374 --> 00:34:58,208
In any case, it's just a sum.
Five billion divided by 75.

474
00:34:58,374 --> 00:35:00,888
But children aren't learning to do the sums.

475
00:35:01,054 --> 00:35:07,289
The local education authorities might argue
that they don't need to. They have calculators.

476
00:35:07,454 --> 00:35:12,574
They all need to know HOW it's done. We were
all taught basis arithmetic, weren't we?

477
00:35:12,734 --> 00:35:16,727
Were we? What's 3,947 divided by 73?

478
00:35:16,894 --> 00:35:21,684
Er... Oh, I'd need a pencil and paper to do that.
No, never mind that.

479
00:35:25,734 --> 00:35:29,124
- I could do it when I left school.
- Now you'd use a calculator.

480
00:35:29,294 --> 00:35:33,173
That's not the point. Look at Latin.
Hardly anybody knows that now.

481
00:35:33,894 --> 00:35:36,886
Tempora mutantur, nos et mutamur in illis.

482
00:35:38,374 --> 00:35:39,966
What?

483
00:35:40,974 --> 00:35:44,205
- Times change and we change with the times.
- Precisely.

484
00:35:44,374 --> 00:35:49,129
- Si tacuisses, philosophus manisses.
- What does that mean?

485
00:35:50,294 --> 00:35:54,287
If you'd kept your mouth shut,
we might have thought you were clever.

486
00:35:55,374 --> 00:35:59,731
- I beg your pardon?
- Not you, Prime Minister. That's the translation.

487
00:35:59,894 --> 00:36:03,603
No one would have thought
Sir Humphrey was saying that about you.

488
00:36:03,774 --> 00:36:05,810
Go away, Bernard, please.

489
00:36:07,014 --> 00:36:11,883
I can't believe it. You had a strict academic
upbringing. Are you denying the value of it?

490
00:36:12,054 --> 00:36:17,890
What's the use of it? I can't even call upon it
in conversation with the PM of Great Britain!

491
00:36:18,054 --> 00:36:20,443
Education in this country is a disaster.

492
00:36:20,614 --> 00:36:24,971
We're supposed to prepare children for work.
Most of the time they're bored stiff.

493
00:36:25,134 --> 00:36:29,969
I should've thought that being bored stiff
was an excellent preparation for work.

494
00:36:31,454 --> 00:36:35,242
The school leaving age was raised to 16,
but they're learning less.

495
00:36:35,414 --> 00:36:37,882
We didn't raise it so they'd learn more

496
00:36:38,054 --> 00:36:42,650
but to keep teenagers off the job market
and hold down unemployment figures.

497
00:36:42,814 --> 00:36:45,408
Are you saying there's nothing wrong
with education?

498
00:36:45,574 --> 00:36:49,044
Of course not.
It's a joke. It's always been a joke.

499
00:36:49,214 --> 00:36:53,207
By leaving it in the hands of local councillors,
it will remain a joke.

500
00:36:53,374 --> 00:36:55,365
Half of them are your enemies

501
00:36:55,534 --> 00:36:59,812
and the other half are the sort of friends
that make you prefer your enemies.

502
00:36:59,974 --> 00:37:03,808
- What are you saying?
- That education will never get any better

503
00:37:03,974 --> 00:37:07,444
as long as it's subject to all that tomfoolery
in the town halls.

504
00:37:07,614 --> 00:37:11,004
Imagine what would happen
if you put defence in their hands.

505
00:37:11,174 --> 00:37:13,734
- Defence?
- Give councils �100 million each

506
00:37:13,894 --> 00:37:18,684
and ask them to defend themselves,
we'd have a civil war in three weeks!

507
00:37:19,774 --> 00:37:23,244
- You're being silly.
- Am I? That's what's happened to education.

508
00:37:23,414 --> 00:37:27,965
And why? Because nobody thinks education
is serious the way defence is serious.

509
00:37:28,134 --> 00:37:31,410
So that's why civil defence
is in local authority hands?

510
00:37:31,574 --> 00:37:34,372
Of course. Because everybody knows it's a joke.

511
00:37:34,534 --> 00:37:39,528
You just don't leave important matters
in the hands of those clowns!

512
00:37:39,694 --> 00:37:42,288
And as you've left education to them,

513
00:37:42,454 --> 00:37:46,572
one must assume that, until now,
you have attached little importance to it.

514
00:37:46,734 --> 00:37:50,010
It is important.
It could lose me the next election.

515
00:37:50,174 --> 00:37:51,971
Ah!

516
00:37:52,134 --> 00:37:57,367
In my naivety, I thought you were concerned
about the future of our children.

517
00:37:58,094 --> 00:38:01,689
Yes, that too. After all, they get the vote at 18.

518
00:38:01,854 --> 00:38:07,645
Then, Prime Minister, then centralise.
Take it away from the local councils.

519
00:38:07,814 --> 00:38:09,452
Put it under the Department of Education,
then you could do something about it.

520
00:38:12,614 --> 00:38:16,527
Do you think I could? Grasp the nettle,
take the bull by the horns?

521
00:38:16,694 --> 00:38:20,892
You can't take the bull by the horns
if you're grasping the nettle.

522
00:38:21,054 --> 00:38:22,806
Oh, really, Bernard?

523
00:38:23,574 --> 00:38:28,887
By grasping the nettle with one hand, you could
take the bull by one horn with the other hand,

524
00:38:29,054 --> 00:38:32,046
but not both horns
because your hand isn't big enough.

525
00:38:32,214 --> 00:38:37,004
If you did take the bull by one horn,
it would be rather dangerous because...

526
00:38:39,534 --> 00:38:44,528
Well, it was just a mixed metaphor
and since we were discussing education, I...

527
00:38:44,694 --> 00:38:47,288
- (BUZZER)
- Thank God!

528
00:38:48,294 --> 00:38:51,570
Yes? Your political advisor's outside.

529
00:38:51,734 --> 00:38:54,931
- Send her in, Bernard. Humphrey, thank you.
- Thank you.

530
00:38:55,094 --> 00:38:59,645
- You've given me much food for thought.
- In that case, Prime Minister, bon app�tit.

531
00:39:01,934 --> 00:39:03,652
Dear lady.

532
00:39:04,334 --> 00:39:08,122
- Yes, Dorothy?
- My notes for your tour of the north-west.

533
00:39:08,294 --> 00:39:10,854
Visits to hospitals and factories.

534
00:39:11,014 --> 00:39:14,484
- Drumming up votes in marginal constituencies.
- No!

535
00:39:14,654 --> 00:39:18,249
- Why not?
- I'm coming with you if it's a government tour.

536
00:39:18,414 --> 00:39:22,532
If it's canvassing marginals,
I can't come and the Treasury can't pay.

537
00:39:22,694 --> 00:39:27,688
It's a government visit. It's coincidence
that all the stop-offs are in marginals.

538
00:39:27,854 --> 00:39:30,971
- Well, that's all right, then.
- That's OK.

539
00:39:31,134 --> 00:39:33,853
What can I do about education? Quickly.

540
00:39:34,014 --> 00:39:38,053
- You mean do or appear to do?
- Appear to do. I can't do, obviously.

541
00:39:38,214 --> 00:39:44,005
Well, in the short term, we could get you on TV
associated with something good and successful.

542
00:39:44,174 --> 00:39:47,530
- Is there something?
- I had thought of this for your schedule.

543
00:39:47,694 --> 00:39:52,484
- You could fit it in.
- St Margaret's School Young Enterprise Scheme.

544
00:39:52,654 --> 00:39:58,047
It's set up its own manufacturing company. They
make cheeseboards, paperweights, toast racks,

545
00:39:58,214 --> 00:40:02,002
sell them and track the operation
in their business-study classes.

546
00:40:02,174 --> 00:40:06,452
- They involve local businessmen. Parents help.
- Does it cost a lot?

547
00:40:06,614 --> 00:40:10,971
- No, it makes a profit.
- Isn't it teaching them to be rather grasping?

548
00:40:11,134 --> 00:40:15,332
- No, they give the money to local charity.
- Fine, I'll do it.

549
00:40:15,494 --> 00:40:21,091
Make sure the TV crews have plenty of time
to cover me... er... cover the event properly.

550
00:40:21,254 --> 00:40:26,044
Write me a speech with a snappy,
20-second piece for the news bulletins.

551
00:40:26,214 --> 00:40:29,012
- That should win back a few seats.
- Prime Minister.

552
00:40:29,174 --> 00:40:33,884
Er, give a lead to those responsible
for the nation's education, Bernard.

553
00:40:34,054 --> 00:40:36,249
Of course, Prime Minister.

554
00:40:36,414 --> 00:40:39,804
<i>(NEWSREADER)</i>
<i>Finally, the PM visited St Margaret's School</i>

555
00:40:39,974 --> 00:40:41,965
<i>on his north-western tour.</i>

556
00:40:42,134 --> 00:40:45,126
<i>The school has set up</i>
<i>a manufacturing business</i>

557
00:40:45,294 --> 00:40:49,731
<i>where the children make a variety of goods</i>
<i>for sale in the local community.</i>

558
00:40:49,894 --> 00:40:55,014
<i>The children do their own sales and marketing</i>
<i>and use the experience they gain</i>

559
00:40:55,174 --> 00:40:59,213
<i>as a basis for their maths and business studies.</i>

560
00:40:59,374 --> 00:41:03,413
<i>The Prime Minister was presented</i>
<i>with an example of the school's output.</i>

561
00:41:04,654 --> 00:41:07,122
In conclusion, I must congratulate you

562
00:41:07,294 --> 00:41:11,731
<i>on all the hard work, the discipline</i>
<i>and the success of your enterprise.</i>

563
00:41:11,894 --> 00:41:17,366
<i>You've set an example in British education</i>
<i>which other schools would do well to follow.</i>

564
00:41:17,534 --> 00:41:23,450
<i>We need more schools like St Margaret's</i>
<i>and I shall always treasure your present.</i>

565
00:41:23,614 --> 00:41:27,402
<i>No Prime Minister ever lost a seat</i>
<i>if he could help itl</i>

566
00:41:30,134 --> 00:41:33,524
<i>(NEWSREADER) And that was</i>
<i>the six o'clock news from the BBC.</i>

567
00:41:36,494 --> 00:41:38,962
- I thought that was OK, didn't you?
- Fine.

568
00:41:39,134 --> 00:41:41,932
- My joke went down well.
- MY joke!

569
00:41:42,934 --> 00:41:48,088
Better than Channel 4 coverage. They didn't
describe it as the PM's tour of the north-west.

570
00:41:48,254 --> 00:41:52,042
They said, "Jim Hacker touring
the marginal constituencies."

571
00:41:52,214 --> 00:41:56,332
- That's true, isn't it?
- But they shouldn't say it. It's biased reporting!

572
00:41:56,494 --> 00:42:00,043
- Reporting the facts?
- Nothing wrong with visiting the marginals.

573
00:42:00,214 --> 00:42:03,968
- What they said was still true.
- It was still biased to say it!

574
00:42:04,134 --> 00:42:08,127
I'm not interested in your paranoia.
I was interested in that school.

575
00:42:08,294 --> 00:42:12,970
- Parents queue up to get their children into it.
- Pity they can't all get in. Coffee?

576
00:42:13,134 --> 00:42:17,173
- Lovely.
- Why can't more parents send children there?

577
00:42:17,334 --> 00:42:20,132
- No room.
- There is. School numbers are falling.

578
00:42:20,294 --> 00:42:23,206
- That'd mean poaching the other schools.
- So what?

579
00:42:23,374 --> 00:42:25,683
The other schools would have to close.

580
00:42:25,854 --> 00:42:28,732
Great! St Margaret's could
take over their buildings.

581
00:42:28,894 --> 00:42:31,727
- Darling, that wouldn't be fair.
- Who to?

582
00:42:31,894 --> 00:42:37,810
- The teachers in the schools that had to close.
- Good ones could teach at the popular schools.

583
00:42:37,974 --> 00:42:41,649
What about the bad teachers?
It wouldn't be fair on them.

584
00:42:41,814 --> 00:42:45,853
What about the children,
or are the bad teachers' jobs more important?

585
00:42:46,014 --> 00:42:50,804
Darling, it's... it's no good. Who's to say
who are the bad teachers? It just wouldn't work.

586
00:42:50,974 --> 00:42:54,364
- Why not?
- Well... it wouldn't work.

587
00:42:54,534 --> 00:42:56,570
- Why not?
- What do you mean?

588
00:42:56,734 --> 00:43:02,684
Suppose schools were like doctors. In the NHS,
you choose which doctor to go to, don't you?

589
00:43:02,854 --> 00:43:05,322
- Yes.
- And he gets paid per patient.

590
00:43:05,774 --> 00:43:10,484
Why don't we do the same with schools?
Have a National Education Service.

591
00:43:10,654 --> 00:43:14,533
Parents could choose the schools
and the schools get paid per pupil.

592
00:43:14,694 --> 00:43:17,333
- Exactly!
- There'd be an outcry.

593
00:43:17,494 --> 00:43:21,203
- From the parents?
- No, from the Department of Education.

594
00:43:21,374 --> 00:43:24,764
- I see. And who has the most votes?
- The DES would block it.

595
00:43:24,934 --> 00:43:27,528
- Fine, get rid of them.
- What?

596
00:43:27,694 --> 00:43:31,289
- Get rid of the Department of Education.
- I don't understand you.

597
00:43:31,454 --> 00:43:35,891
Get rid of it, abolish it, remove it, expunge it,

598
00:43:36,054 --> 00:43:39,649
eliminate it, eradicate it, exterminate it!

599
00:43:39,814 --> 00:43:43,204
- Get rid of it!
- Get rid of it?

600
00:43:43,374 --> 00:43:45,729
- Yes.
- I couldn't do that.

601
00:43:45,894 --> 00:43:49,284
- Why not? What does it do?
- I could do that.

602
00:43:50,534 --> 00:43:52,923
Local government could administer the lot.

603
00:43:53,094 --> 00:43:57,292
We could have a Board of School Inspectors.
The rest could go to Environment.

604
00:43:57,454 --> 00:44:01,242
I could send that house-trained idiot Henry
to the House of Lords.

605
00:44:01,414 --> 00:44:03,974
Golly. I wonder what Humphrey will say.

606
00:44:04,134 --> 00:44:07,331
Whatever he says,
I want to be there when you tell him.

607
00:44:07,494 --> 00:44:11,567
To witness the clash between the political will
and the administrative will?

608
00:44:11,734 --> 00:44:16,205
I think it'll be a clash between the political will
and the administrative won't.

609
00:44:19,894 --> 00:44:23,204
- You sent for me, Prime Minister?
- Humphrey, come in. Sit down.

610
00:44:23,374 --> 00:44:28,732
I want to bounce an idea off you. I've realised
how to reform the educational system.

611
00:44:29,414 --> 00:44:33,123
Excellent, Prime Minister. (CLAPS HIS HANDS)

612
00:44:33,294 --> 00:44:37,731
I'm going to let parents move their children
to any school they want.

613
00:44:38,654 --> 00:44:43,364
You mean after application, scrutiny,
tribunal hearing and appeals procedures?

614
00:44:43,534 --> 00:44:48,324
- No, just move them whenever they want to.
- I'm sorry. I don't quite follow.

615
00:44:48,494 --> 00:44:53,284
This government will let parents decide
which schools to send their children to.

616
00:44:53,454 --> 00:44:56,252
Prime Minister, you can't be serious!

617
00:44:56,414 --> 00:44:58,803
- I am.
- But it's preposterous!

618
00:44:58,974 --> 00:45:02,444
- Why?
- You can't expect parents to make these choices.

619
00:45:02,614 --> 00:45:06,573
How on earth would parents know
which schools are best?

620
00:45:06,734 --> 00:45:10,932
- Which school did you go to, Humphrey?
- Winchester.

621
00:45:11,094 --> 00:45:13,927
- Was it good?
- Oh, excellent, of course.

622
00:45:14,094 --> 00:45:17,484
- Who chose it?
- My parents, naturally.

623
00:45:19,614 --> 00:45:24,324
Now, that's different, Prime Minister.
My parents were discerning people.

624
00:45:24,494 --> 00:45:28,328
You can't expect ordinary people
to know where to send their children.

625
00:45:28,494 --> 00:45:31,645
- Why not?
- Well, how could they tell?

626
00:45:31,814 --> 00:45:35,409
They could tell if their kids
could read, write and do sums

627
00:45:35,574 --> 00:45:37,724
and if the exam results were good.

628
00:45:37,894 --> 00:45:39,930
- Exam results aren't everything.
- True.

629
00:45:40,094 --> 00:45:44,884
Parents who don't want an academic education
for their children can pick progressive schools.

630
00:45:45,054 --> 00:45:49,252
But parents have no qualifications
to make these choices.

631
00:45:49,414 --> 00:45:54,807
Teachers are the professionals. Parents
are the worst people to bring up children.

632
00:45:55,814 --> 00:46:01,013
They've no qualifications, no training.
You don't expect untrained teachers to teach.

633
00:46:01,174 --> 00:46:03,244
The same should apply to parents.

634
00:46:03,414 --> 00:46:07,612
- Before having children, they should be trained?
- No, that's no problem.

635
00:46:07,774 --> 00:46:10,572
They've all been trained to HAVE kids.

636
00:46:10,734 --> 00:46:13,931
Sex-education classes have been standard
for some years.

637
00:46:14,094 --> 00:46:16,085
Perhaps we could do better.

638
00:46:16,254 --> 00:46:21,044
Before people can have children, we should
make them sit exams - written and practical.

639
00:46:21,214 --> 00:46:25,685
Perhaps both. Then they could be issued
with breeding licences.

640
00:46:27,814 --> 00:46:31,204
Oh, very droll, Prime Minister.

641
00:46:31,374 --> 00:46:36,209
No, but I'm being serious. It's looking after
children that parents are not qualified for.

642
00:46:36,374 --> 00:46:40,526
That's why they have no idea
which schools to choose. It couldn't work.

643
00:46:40,694 --> 00:46:45,563
What about the Health Service? People choose
their doctor without medical qualifications.

644
00:46:45,734 --> 00:46:47,929
- Ah, yes, well, that's different.
- How?

645
00:46:48,094 --> 00:46:52,690
Well, doctors are...
The patients aren't parents, dear lady.

646
00:46:52,854 --> 00:46:56,164
Oh, really? What makes you think that, Humpy?

647
00:46:58,414 --> 00:47:01,406
Not as such. In any case, as a matter of fact,

648
00:47:01,574 --> 00:47:06,773
I think letting people choose doctors
is a very bad idea, very messy.

649
00:47:06,934 --> 00:47:11,325
Much tidier to allocate people to GPs, much fairer.

650
00:47:11,494 --> 00:47:16,170
Then everyone has an equal chance
of getting the bad doctors.

651
00:47:16,334 --> 00:47:20,532
- I see.
- In any case, we're talking about education.

652
00:47:20,694 --> 00:47:22,685
With respect, Prime Minister,

653
00:47:22,854 --> 00:47:28,053
I think that the DES will react with some caution
to your rather novel proposals.

654
00:47:28,214 --> 00:47:32,366
- You mean they'll block it.
- They will give it urgent consideration

655
00:47:32,534 --> 00:47:36,527
and insist on a thorough and rigorous examination
of all the proposals

656
00:47:36,694 --> 00:47:40,164
allied to a detailed feasibility study
and budget analysis

657
00:47:40,334 --> 00:47:45,362
before producing a consultative document
for consideration by all interested bodies

658
00:47:45,534 --> 00:47:49,129
and seeking comments and recommendations
to be included in a brief

659
00:47:49,294 --> 00:47:53,367
for a series of working parties
who will produce individual studies

660
00:47:53,534 --> 00:47:57,527
which will provide the background
for a more wide-ranging document

661
00:47:57,694 --> 00:48:03,451
considering whether or not the proposal
should be taken forward to the next stage.

662
00:48:03,614 --> 00:48:06,686
- You mean they'll block it.
- Yeah.

663
00:48:07,654 --> 00:48:09,406
- No problem.
- We thought you'd say that.

664
00:48:09,574 --> 00:48:11,246
- We have a solution.
- Oh, yes?

665
00:48:11,414 --> 00:48:13,166
We'll abolish the DES.

666
00:48:15,774 --> 00:48:18,049
- I'm sorry?
- We'll abolish it.

667
00:48:18,214 --> 00:48:20,364
- Abolish it?
- Why not?

668
00:48:20,534 --> 00:48:22,843
Abolish Education and Science?!

669
00:48:23,014 --> 00:48:28,407
- That'd be the end of civilisation as we know it!
- Only the department. Education will flourish.

670
00:48:28,574 --> 00:48:32,886
- With no government department? Impossible!
- Departments are tombstones.

671
00:48:33,054 --> 00:48:36,251
The Department of Industry
marks the grave of industry,

672
00:48:36,414 --> 00:48:39,212
the Department of Employment,
that of employment,

673
00:48:39,374 --> 00:48:42,571
the Department of Environment,
that of the environment.

674
00:48:42,734 --> 00:48:47,603
And the Department of Education marks where
the corpse of British education is buried.

675
00:48:47,774 --> 00:48:50,242
What does the DES do? What's its role?

676
00:48:50,414 --> 00:48:53,133
I hardly know where to begin!

677
00:48:53,294 --> 00:48:56,252
It lays down guidelines, it centralises

678
00:48:56,414 --> 00:49:01,613
and channels money into education authorities,
University Grants Committee, it sets standards!

679
00:49:01,774 --> 00:49:04,527
- Does it set the curriculum?
- It would like to!

680
00:49:04,694 --> 00:49:08,482
- Select and change head teachers?
- Maintain school buildings?

681
00:49:08,654 --> 00:49:10,292
- No...
- Set exams?

682
00:49:10,454 --> 00:49:13,446
- No...
- Does it choose the children?

683
00:49:13,614 --> 00:49:18,483
- How does it affect what a child does at school?
- It supplies 60% of the cash.

684
00:49:18,654 --> 00:49:22,203
Why can't the cash
go from the Treasury to the schools?

685
00:49:22,374 --> 00:49:25,923
Do we need 2,000 civil servants
to funnel money from A to B?

686
00:49:26,094 --> 00:49:30,053
The DES also creates a legislative framework
for education.

687
00:49:30,214 --> 00:49:35,493
Not much legislation. Environment could do that.
They deal with other local authority matters.

688
00:49:35,654 --> 00:49:37,645
You can't be serious!

689
00:49:37,814 --> 00:49:42,524
Who'd assess forward planning and staffing
variations, variations in pupil populations,

690
00:49:42,694 --> 00:49:45,686
density of schooling required
in urban and rural areas?

691
00:49:45,854 --> 00:49:49,642
- Who'd make sure everything ran properly?
- 2,500 private schools

692
00:49:49,814 --> 00:49:54,012
seem to solve these problems every day
without any help from the DES.

693
00:49:54,174 --> 00:49:56,768
They respond to changing circumstances.

694
00:49:56,934 --> 00:50:00,324
- Supply and demand. It's easy.
- Who would plan for the future?

695
00:50:00,494 --> 00:50:03,486
Education today is what the department planned?

696
00:50:03,654 --> 00:50:06,407
Well, of... No, of course not!

697
00:50:06,574 --> 00:50:10,567
- Is there anything else that the DES does?
- Well, it... it...

698
00:50:11,614 --> 00:50:15,209
Well, we don't need it, then, do we? QED.

699
00:50:16,534 --> 00:50:18,729
Quod erat demonstrandum.

700
00:50:21,894 --> 00:50:24,362
I really... Quite unthinkable.

701
00:50:24,534 --> 00:50:30,052
Once they start abolishing whole departments,
the very foundations of civilisation crumble.

702
00:50:30,214 --> 00:50:34,924
- Barbarians at the gates.
- The return of the Dark Ages.

703
00:50:35,094 --> 00:50:38,882
Did anything like this crop up
when you were Cabinet Secretary?

704
00:50:39,054 --> 00:50:44,287
No. We let them amalgamate departments,
but that worked very well.

705
00:50:44,454 --> 00:50:47,048
Yes, quite. You keep the existing staff

706
00:50:47,214 --> 00:50:51,412
and you put in an extra layer
of coordinating management at the top.

707
00:50:51,574 --> 00:50:57,683
Exactly. But you have to stop the liquidation
of the Department of Education, Humphrey.

708
00:50:57,854 --> 00:51:01,051
Have you tried discrediting
the person who proposed it?

709
00:51:01,214 --> 00:51:05,651
No point. It was the Wainwright female,
so he's passing it off as his own idea.

710
00:51:05,814 --> 00:51:11,252
- Discrediting the facts behind it?
- It's a political idea, so facts don't come into it.

711
00:51:13,534 --> 00:51:17,129
- Massaging the figures?
- No figures are involved.

712
00:51:17,294 --> 00:51:21,128
But it's hard to get the Prime Minister
to see that it's a bad idea.

713
00:51:21,294 --> 00:51:25,890
Of course. It's actually a very good idea.
It just mustn't happen.

714
00:51:26,894 --> 00:51:32,048
I wonder if we oughtn't to play along with it -
in the interests of the nation's children.

715
00:51:32,214 --> 00:51:36,685
Never mind the nation's children.
What about our colleagues at the DES?

716
00:51:36,854 --> 00:51:39,573
- Of course. Sorry.
- Let's be clear about this.

717
00:51:39,734 --> 00:51:43,443
The only people who'll like this idea
are the parents and the children.

718
00:51:43,614 --> 00:51:46,811
Everyone who counts will be against it.

719
00:51:46,974 --> 00:51:49,329
- Teachers' unions.
- Local authorities.

720
00:51:49,494 --> 00:51:53,533
- Educational press.
- And, of course, the DES.

721
00:51:53,694 --> 00:51:59,326
- So what's the strategy?
- Unions can be counted on to disrupt the schools.

722
00:51:59,494 --> 00:52:03,009
And go on TV saying
the government are causing the disruption.

723
00:52:03,174 --> 00:52:09,249
Good. Local councils will threaten to turn
the constituency parties against the government.

724
00:52:09,414 --> 00:52:13,407
The Department of Education will delay
every stage of the process

725
00:52:13,574 --> 00:52:16,771
and leak anything
that embarrasses the government.

726
00:52:16,934 --> 00:52:20,324
We can help with that
at the Campaign for Freedom of Information.

727
00:52:20,494 --> 00:52:22,246
Thank you, Arnold.

728
00:52:23,294 --> 00:52:25,091
Ah, thanks.

729
00:52:27,134 --> 00:52:31,685
But what are we actually... Thank you, Billy.
What's our argument?

730
00:52:32,334 --> 00:52:37,362
Well, obviously, that this new proposal
will destroy our educational system.

731
00:52:37,534 --> 00:52:41,732
- Everybody knows it's destroyed already.
- Well, we will say...

732
00:52:41,894 --> 00:52:47,491
Sorry, the press will say that it's government
interference in the DES that destroyed it

733
00:52:47,654 --> 00:52:50,327
and that this new plan will make things worse.

734
00:52:50,494 --> 00:52:54,328
- Will that do the trick?
- It always has in the past.

735
00:52:54,494 --> 00:53:01,013
- But this time the political pressure is stronger.
- You must find a political weapon to fight it with.

736
00:53:02,414 --> 00:53:05,770
What political weapon
did you have in mind, Arnold?

737
00:53:06,334 --> 00:53:09,531
I? That is your concern, Humphrey.

738
00:53:09,894 --> 00:53:15,526
Your chance to prove yourself worthy
of the high office to which you've been called.

739
00:53:21,774 --> 00:53:24,413
- The PM's ready to see you.
- What's it about?

740
00:53:24,574 --> 00:53:28,965
- The abolition of the DES, I'm afraid.
- This is going to be bloody.

741
00:53:29,134 --> 00:53:32,729
- There's a minor matter I need your advice...
- Is it important?

742
00:53:32,894 --> 00:53:35,283
- Not important but urgent.
- What is it?

743
00:53:35,454 --> 00:53:40,050
You know that enterprise school the PM visited,
when they gave him that stool?

744
00:53:40,214 --> 00:53:44,253
It's just come to light that the wood
they were using was stolen.

745
00:53:44,414 --> 00:53:46,405
Bernard, this is hardly...

746
00:53:49,334 --> 00:53:51,131
Stolen?

747
00:53:51,294 --> 00:53:56,129
Yes, it was government property
stolen from a YTS workshop last year.

748
00:53:57,094 --> 00:53:59,085
How shocking.

749
00:54:00,334 --> 00:54:03,929
It was referred to the DES,
as the theft came to light at a school.

750
00:54:04,094 --> 00:54:07,245
They don't know whether to prosecute.
Sorry to bother...

751
00:54:07,414 --> 00:54:09,803
Don't mention it, Bernard.

752
00:54:12,534 --> 00:54:14,525
Show me in.

753
00:54:16,694 --> 00:54:19,891
Come in, Humphrey. Come in, come in! Sit down.

754
00:54:20,054 --> 00:54:23,933
Only one item on the agenda today -
the abolition of the DES.

755
00:54:24,094 --> 00:54:29,043
Actually, if there's only one item, it's an agenDUM.

756
00:54:29,214 --> 00:54:33,685
I don't think the Prime Minister's
got as far as the second declension.

757
00:54:33,854 --> 00:54:39,292
I don't mind your scoring cheap debating points
since you've already lost the battle of the DES.

758
00:54:39,454 --> 00:54:43,732
- The DES will be very upset.
- Does it matter since they'll cease to exist?

759
00:54:43,894 --> 00:54:47,284
The process will take a few years.
They'll fight tooth and nail.

760
00:54:47,454 --> 00:54:50,651
- What can they do to me?
- They're a formidable department.

761
00:54:50,814 --> 00:54:54,124
- I am a formidable Prime Minister.
- Indeed you are.

762
00:54:54,294 --> 00:54:57,092
But you might still need their cooperation.

763
00:54:57,254 --> 00:55:01,964
Cooperation? From the Department of Education?
Don't make me laugh!

764
00:55:02,814 --> 00:55:06,807
Fine, fine. I'll tell them to go ahead
with the prosecution, then.

765
00:55:08,054 --> 00:55:12,093
- What prosecution?
- Oh, it's hardly worth bothering you with.

766
00:55:12,254 --> 00:55:15,485
That enterprise school
where you were televised last week.

767
00:55:15,654 --> 00:55:19,647
- Yes?
- The profits... A model for other schools...

768
00:55:19,814 --> 00:55:21,805
Yes, yes, go on.

769
00:55:21,974 --> 00:55:27,253
- The profits were the proceeds of theft.
- Theft? What do you mean, theft?

770
00:55:28,094 --> 00:55:33,043
I mean removing goods without the knowledge
or consent of the owner with the intent of...

771
00:55:33,214 --> 00:55:36,206
I know what theft means. What do YOU mean?

772
00:55:36,374 --> 00:55:38,842
Well, the stool that they gave you

773
00:55:39,014 --> 00:55:42,723
was made from wood appropriated
from the local YTS workshops.

774
00:55:42,894 --> 00:55:46,284
- What do you mean?
- It was nicked.

775
00:55:46,454 --> 00:55:48,684
By two of last year's pupils.

776
00:55:48,854 --> 00:55:51,812
- A pair of nickers.
- Thank you, Bernard.

777
00:55:52,814 --> 00:55:55,123
The YTS want to prosecute.

778
00:55:55,294 --> 00:55:59,572
Now, the Department of Education
could stop them.

779
00:55:59,734 --> 00:56:02,771
You know, return the wood and hush it up.

780
00:56:02,934 --> 00:56:06,483
Millions saw me on TV saying
that school was an example!

781
00:56:06,654 --> 00:56:09,214
Well, it is a sort of example.

782
00:56:09,374 --> 00:56:11,126
They mustn't prosecute!

783
00:56:11,294 --> 00:56:16,732
I hope the Department of Education won't leak
the fact that you're covering up for crooks.

784
00:56:16,894 --> 00:56:20,887
- You must tell them not to prosecute.
- That would need their cooperation.

785
00:56:22,294 --> 00:56:26,446
I can just see the newspapers -
"Jim's enterprising crooks.

786
00:56:26,614 --> 00:56:32,246
"The Prime Minister has sat on the fence
for so long that now he's become one."

787
00:56:34,374 --> 00:56:36,763
Persuade them not to prosecute.

788
00:56:36,934 --> 00:56:42,645
It's very difficult to persuade people to cooperate
if they are actually under a death sentence.

789
00:56:42,814 --> 00:56:46,090
- Death sentence?
- If you're abolishing the department.

790
00:56:46,694 --> 00:56:48,173
Oh!

791
00:56:48,334 --> 00:56:50,131
Oh, that!

792
00:56:50,894 --> 00:56:54,204
No, that was just... a vague idea...

793
00:56:56,414 --> 00:56:58,405
...of Dorothy's.

794
00:56:59,614 --> 00:57:01,809
An idle thought. Nothing serious.

795
00:57:01,974 --> 00:57:03,805
- You're sure?
- Positive.

796
00:57:03,974 --> 00:57:08,764
Splendid, Prime Minister.
Shall we now continue with the agendum?

797
00:57:08,934 --> 00:57:12,324
Agendum? Oh, yes!

798
00:57:12,494 --> 00:57:14,325
We have no agendum.

799
00:57:14,494 --> 00:57:17,691
(RHYTHMICALLY) We have no agendum today!

800
00:57:20,214 --> 00:57:23,251
Business concluded. All right, Humphrey?

801
00:57:24,014 --> 00:57:26,005
Yes, Prime Minister.

802
00:58:49,014 --> 00:58:52,609
Ah, Bernard,
how is our great statesman this afternoon?

803
00:58:52,774 --> 00:58:56,164
- Very cheerful.
- What has he found to be cheerful about?

804
00:58:56,334 --> 00:59:00,327
- Well, at Question Time he did very well.
- In whose opinion?

805
00:59:00,494 --> 00:59:03,930
Everyone was impressed with his answer
on tapping MPs' phones.

806
00:59:04,094 --> 00:59:08,724
- I heard about that, but regrettably not from you.
- I didn't see any point.

807
00:59:08,894 --> 00:59:13,763
I coordinate all government security.
Why was the question not referred to me first?

808
00:59:13,934 --> 00:59:18,485
- It was an unforeseen supplementary.
- A foreseeable unforeseen supplementary.

809
00:59:18,654 --> 00:59:23,648
It was a good answer. "Much as I respect
and value the opinions of this house,

810
00:59:23,814 --> 00:59:30,572
"I have no desire to listen to honourable members
for any longer than I have to." Got a good laugh.

811
00:59:30,734 --> 00:59:33,123
- From you.
- Yes, and from his own party.

812
00:59:33,294 --> 00:59:36,286
Ones hoping to be promoted
or afraid of being sacked?

813
00:59:36,454 --> 00:59:38,843
That's just about all of them.

814
00:59:39,014 --> 00:59:43,530
I gather he denied that he'd authorised
the bugging of an MP's phone.

815
00:59:43,694 --> 00:59:48,563
Well, yes. Well, he hasn't, has he?
Has he? He has? Crikey!

816
00:59:49,294 --> 00:59:53,765
It's all here, Bernard, including the transcripts.
Shall we... um...

817
00:59:53,934 --> 00:59:57,927
Can't we wait? He doesn't get many moments
of unalloyed pleasure.

818
00:59:58,094 --> 01:00:00,085
I suppose he gets all he deserves.

819
01:00:01,174 --> 01:00:03,210
- Prime Minister.
- Ah, come in!

820
01:00:03,374 --> 01:00:07,765
- I want to talk about PM's Question Time.
- I accept your congratulations!

821
01:00:07,934 --> 01:00:12,530
- Wasn't I brilliant? Didn't you think so?
- Well, I wasn't there, but...

822
01:00:12,694 --> 01:00:14,685
- Wasn't I brilliant, Bernard?
- Er...

823
01:00:14,854 --> 01:00:19,086
- Your replies will not be quickly forgotten.
- Let me tell you what happened.

824
01:00:19,254 --> 01:00:25,045
The first question was about that cock-up over
the shortage of prison officers. Masterly reply!

825
01:00:25,214 --> 01:00:29,685
I said, "I refer the honourable member
to the speech I made on October 28th."

826
01:00:29,854 --> 01:00:32,448
- Did he remember what you'd said?
- No.

827
01:00:32,614 --> 01:00:35,811
Neither did I, come to that. Still, it shut him up.

828
01:00:35,974 --> 01:00:40,252
The next one was, "Did the Department
of Employment fiddle the figures?"

829
01:00:40,414 --> 01:00:46,364
Restructure the base from which the statistics
have been derived without telling the public?

830
01:00:46,534 --> 01:00:49,207
- Exactly. Fiddle the figures.
- Of course they do.

831
01:00:49,374 --> 01:00:53,128
I know they do.
I said I'd found no significant evidence of it.

832
01:00:53,294 --> 01:00:56,525
- You haven't looked.
- And we haven't shown you.

833
01:00:56,694 --> 01:01:01,688
Well done. Then we went on to a googly about
the Dept of Energy's plans for nuclear waste.

834
01:01:01,854 --> 01:01:05,449
- He wanted me to admit Cabinet was divided.
- Well, it is.

835
01:01:05,614 --> 01:01:08,924
I know. So I said,
"My cabinet took a unanimous decision."

836
01:01:09,094 --> 01:01:12,484
You threatened to dismiss anyone
who wouldn't agree.

837
01:01:12,654 --> 01:01:15,646
It certainly made them agree unanimously.

838
01:01:15,814 --> 01:01:18,647
My back benchers were cheering my every word.

839
01:01:18,814 --> 01:01:23,524
Oh, yes, then we had a question
about why our new anti-missile missile

840
01:01:23,694 --> 01:01:27,733
was scrapped as obsolete
the day before it came off the production line.

841
01:01:27,894 --> 01:01:32,285
- And how did you wriggle out of that one?
- That was my masterstroke!

842
01:01:32,454 --> 01:01:34,445
My reply was sheer genius.

843
01:01:34,614 --> 01:01:40,325
I said our policy had not been as effective
as we'd hoped. Clearly we had got it wrong.

844
01:01:40,494 --> 01:01:43,486
- You admitted that?
- Yeah. Brilliant!

845
01:01:43,654 --> 01:01:46,248
Took the wind right out of his sails!

846
01:01:49,614 --> 01:01:52,492
Honesty always gives you the advantage
of surprise in the House of Commons.

847
01:01:52,654 --> 01:01:58,286
The PM was also asked when he would request
the resignation from the responsible minister.

848
01:01:58,454 --> 01:02:02,447
I said, "When he makes a mistake
that could've been seen at the time

849
01:02:02,614 --> 01:02:04,809
"and not with the benefit of hindsight."

850
01:02:04,974 --> 01:02:08,649
They were on their feet cheering, stamping,
waving their order papers!

851
01:02:08,814 --> 01:02:12,727
I gather there was a question
about the bugging of an MP's phone.

852
01:02:12,894 --> 01:02:16,682
- Yes, I got a terrific laugh with that. I said...
- Bernard told me.

853
01:02:16,854 --> 01:02:19,687
- I said, "Much as I respect..."
- Bernard told me.

854
01:02:19,854 --> 01:02:24,609
Oh. Well, anyway, that was stupid.
Why should we bug Hugh Halifax's phone?

855
01:02:24,814 --> 01:02:28,523
One of my own administration!
Where did they get such a daft idea?

856
01:02:28,694 --> 01:02:31,162
- Sheer paranoia.
- The only thing is...

857
01:02:31,334 --> 01:02:35,532
Why should we listen in to MPs?
Boring, stupid, ignorant windbags!

858
01:02:35,694 --> 01:02:37,889
I do my best not to listen to them.

859
01:02:38,054 --> 01:02:43,447
And he's only a PPS. I can't find out what's
going on at Defence. What could he know?

860
01:02:43,614 --> 01:02:48,165
So I gather you denied that
Mr Halifax's phone had been bugged?

861
01:02:48,334 --> 01:02:53,613
It was the one question to which I could give
a clear, simple, straightforward, honest answer.

862
01:02:53,774 --> 01:02:58,609
Yes, unfortunately, although the answer
was clear, simple and straightforward,

863
01:02:58,774 --> 01:03:05,168
it is difficult to justifiably assign to it the fourth
of the epithets you applied to the statement...

864
01:03:05,334 --> 01:03:09,930
...inasmuch as the precise correlation
between the information you communicated

865
01:03:10,094 --> 01:03:13,803
and the facts insofar as
they can be determined and demonstrated

866
01:03:13,974 --> 01:03:17,284
is such as to cause epistemological problems

867
01:03:17,454 --> 01:03:22,767
of sufficient magnitude as to lay upon the logical
and semantic resources of the English language

868
01:03:22,934 --> 01:03:27,086
a heavier burden than
they can reasonably be expected to bear.

869
01:03:27,254 --> 01:03:29,563
Epistemological? What are you talking about?

870
01:03:31,374 --> 01:03:33,763
You... told a lie.

871
01:03:34,894 --> 01:03:37,886
- A lie?
- A lie.

872
01:03:38,054 --> 01:03:41,046
- What do you mean, a lie?
- I mean, you...

873
01:03:42,414 --> 01:03:44,609
...lied.

874
01:03:44,774 --> 01:03:48,767
I know this is a difficult concept
to get across to a politician.

875
01:03:48,934 --> 01:03:50,890
You... er... (MUTTERS)

876
01:03:51,054 --> 01:03:53,204
Ah, yes, you did not tell the truth.

877
01:03:53,374 --> 01:03:55,251
We ARE bugging his phone?

878
01:03:55,414 --> 01:03:57,405
- We were.
- When did we stop?

879
01:03:57,574 --> 01:04:00,646
Um... 17 minutes ago.

880
01:04:00,814 --> 01:04:05,092
- Well, you can't call that lying!
- What is the opposite of telling the truth?

881
01:04:05,254 --> 01:04:09,611
I mean, there was no intent.
I'd never knowingly mislead the House.

882
01:04:09,774 --> 01:04:14,211
- Nonetheless you have done so.
- It wasn't my fault. I didn't know!

883
01:04:14,374 --> 01:04:18,731
- You are deemed to have known.
- Why wasn't I told?

884
01:04:18,894 --> 01:04:22,284
The Home Secretary
might not have felt the need to inform you.

885
01:04:22,454 --> 01:04:25,048
- Why?
- Perhaps he didn't know either.

886
01:04:26,014 --> 01:04:29,404
Or perhaps he'd been advised
that you did not need to know.

887
01:04:29,574 --> 01:04:32,372
- I did need to know.
- The fact you needed to know

888
01:04:32,534 --> 01:04:36,527
was not known at the time
that the now-known need to know was known.

889
01:04:36,694 --> 01:04:41,290
Those that needed to advise the Home Secretary
felt that the information he needed

890
01:04:41,454 --> 01:04:44,924
as to whether to inform the highest authority
was not yet known,

891
01:04:45,094 --> 01:04:48,131
so there was no authority
for the authority to be informed

892
01:04:48,294 --> 01:04:51,331
because the need to know
was not known or needed.

893
01:04:52,134 --> 01:04:54,125
What?

894
01:04:54,294 --> 01:04:59,129
- We could not know you'd deny it in the House.
- I would if I didn't know and were asked.

895
01:04:59,294 --> 01:05:01,649
We did not know you'd be asked
when you didn't know.

896
01:05:01,814 --> 01:05:05,807
I was bound to be asked when I didn't know
if I didn't know!

897
01:05:05,974 --> 01:05:07,726
- What?
- What?

898
01:05:08,494 --> 01:05:11,691
It was thought that it was better
not to inform you.

899
01:05:11,854 --> 01:05:17,053
Halifax is one of your government team.
It was thought it was better not to create distrust.

900
01:05:17,214 --> 01:05:20,411
- We only tell you when you should be aware.
- When's that?

901
01:05:20,574 --> 01:05:23,327
You should now be aware
because you've denied it.

902
01:05:23,494 --> 01:05:26,804
It would've been helpful if I'd been aware
before I denied it.

903
01:05:26,974 --> 01:05:30,808
If you had been aware before you denied it,
you wouldn't have denied it.

904
01:05:30,974 --> 01:05:35,013
- But I needed to know!
- We do not always tell you about bugging.

905
01:05:35,174 --> 01:05:37,529
At times we need you not to know.

906
01:05:37,694 --> 01:05:40,288
- Why did you decide I didn't?
- I didn't.

907
01:05:40,454 --> 01:05:44,606
- Who did?
- Nobody. It was just nobody decided to tell you.

908
01:05:45,694 --> 01:05:48,003
- It's the same thing!
- On the contrary.

909
01:05:48,174 --> 01:05:53,168
To decide to conceal information from you
is a heavy burden for any official to shoulder,

910
01:05:53,334 --> 01:05:57,805
but to decide not to reveal information to you
is routine procedure.

911
01:05:57,974 --> 01:06:00,329
Humphrey, I need to know everything.

912
01:06:00,494 --> 01:06:02,405
- Everything?
- Everything.

913
01:06:04,014 --> 01:06:06,209
Very well.

914
01:06:06,374 --> 01:06:10,572
Stationery deliveries this week.
Four dozen packets...

915
01:06:10,734 --> 01:06:15,330
No, Humphrey, Humphrey, don't be silly.
I mean important things.

916
01:06:15,494 --> 01:06:18,486
Who should decide what is important?

917
01:06:19,574 --> 01:06:24,204
- How can you defend this cock-up?
- As you said in the House, we got it wrong.

918
01:06:24,374 --> 01:06:29,573
- YOU got it wrong.
- I am merely a humble servant, a lowly official.

919
01:06:29,734 --> 01:06:34,205
- The Home Secretary made the decision.
- Any reason I shouldn't ask him to resign?

920
01:06:34,374 --> 01:06:37,684
You should only ask him to resign
when he's made a mistake

921
01:06:37,854 --> 01:06:41,847
which could've been seen at the time
and not with the benefit of hindsight.

922
01:06:42,454 --> 01:06:46,288
The trouble has arisen because of
your error of judgement in making this denial.

923
01:06:46,454 --> 01:06:49,924
- What?
- You shouldn't have denied what you didn't know.

924
01:06:50,094 --> 01:06:53,291
That was your fault.
You admitted keeping secrets from me.

925
01:06:53,454 --> 01:06:57,652
The system works perfectly well
as long as the PM tells the Civil Service

926
01:06:57,814 --> 01:07:00,408
everything he's going to say before he says it.

927
01:07:00,574 --> 01:07:06,171
Lf, precipitantly, he says something without first
clearing it with us, he has only himself to blame.

928
01:07:06,334 --> 01:07:12,284
You must not say anything without clearing it.
With respect, PM, you must learn discretion.

929
01:07:12,454 --> 01:07:17,164
- There was nothing to be discreet about!
- There's always something to be discreet about.

930
01:07:17,334 --> 01:07:21,088
Anyway, why are we bugging Hugh Halifax?
Is he talking to the Russians?

931
01:07:21,254 --> 01:07:24,485
No, the French, actually.
That's much more serious.

932
01:07:25,694 --> 01:07:28,891
- Why?
- The Russians already know what we're doing.

933
01:07:32,854 --> 01:07:37,325
But the French are our trusted allies,
whatever you think of them. And who doesn't?

934
01:07:37,494 --> 01:07:42,090
No, Prime Minister, actually the French
are our mistrusted allies.

935
01:07:42,254 --> 01:07:46,725
That is why talking directly to the French
is regarded as an act of treason

936
01:07:46,894 --> 01:07:49,203
by the Foreign Office... who authorised it.

937
01:07:49,374 --> 01:07:52,764
- I don't know.
- You... don't know what?

938
01:07:52,934 --> 01:07:57,086
- Who authorised it. Who authorised it?
- Is there an echo?

939
01:07:57,254 --> 01:08:01,452
- Who authorised this bugging?
- The Foreign Office! I've just said.

940
01:08:01,614 --> 01:08:06,051
Anyway, the less said the better.
Wouldn't you agree, Prime Minister?

941
01:08:06,214 --> 01:08:09,923
- About what?
- About everything.

942
01:08:13,614 --> 01:08:16,651
One cannot refuse to appear
before a House committee.

943
01:08:16,814 --> 01:08:19,806
- No, sir.
- One shall have to tell them everything.

944
01:08:19,974 --> 01:08:24,365
- Everything they can find out from other sources.
- Precisely.

945
01:08:24,534 --> 01:08:30,325
But they are likely to ask me if the PM has ever
authorised the bugging of an MP's telephone.

946
01:08:30,494 --> 01:08:33,645
So how should a loyal public servant reply?

947
01:08:33,814 --> 01:08:39,013
Er, you could say it was a question for the PM
or the Foreign Secretary or the Home Office.

948
01:08:39,174 --> 01:08:42,052
Or it was a security matter -
can't confirm or deny.

949
01:08:42,214 --> 01:08:46,207
If I dodge the question,
do you know what the next question will be?

950
01:08:46,374 --> 01:08:51,846
Why will I not give the same clear denial
that the PM gave the House yesterday?

951
01:08:52,014 --> 01:08:54,608
- Ah.
- What should I say then, Bernard?

952
01:08:54,774 --> 01:08:58,767
Well, you could say the Prime Minister
knows more about it than you do.

953
01:09:00,494 --> 01:09:03,327
Then they'd know I was lying.

954
01:09:04,454 --> 01:09:08,003
- So... what will you do?
- I don't know, Bernard.

955
01:09:08,174 --> 01:09:11,166
I thought you should be aware of the dilemma.

956
01:09:11,334 --> 01:09:16,454
- Would you like a glass of sherry, Bernard?
- Oh, yes, thank you. Sweet.

957
01:09:16,614 --> 01:09:18,605
There's only dry.

958
01:09:20,134 --> 01:09:23,604
Incidentally, Bernard, the BBC rang this morning.

959
01:09:23,774 --> 01:09:27,483
- The BBC know about it?
- No, of course not.

960
01:09:27,654 --> 01:09:30,771
They want to interview me for a documentary

961
01:09:30,934 --> 01:09:34,324
they're making on Radio 3
about the structure of the government.

962
01:09:34,494 --> 01:09:36,689
Gosh. You won't do it, will you?

963
01:09:36,854 --> 01:09:39,493
- Why not?
- They may want you to say things.

964
01:09:41,054 --> 01:09:43,363
That is quite normal on radio.

965
01:09:43,534 --> 01:09:47,288
No, no, I mean interesting things. Controversy.

966
01:09:48,294 --> 01:09:52,572
On the other hand,
one has a duty to put the record straight.

967
01:09:52,734 --> 01:09:56,443
- You mean you want to do it?
- Well, not for oneself, of course.

968
01:09:56,614 --> 01:10:00,368
No inclination for petty vanity,
you know, being a celebrity.

969
01:10:00,534 --> 01:10:05,654
- But... one can be too self-effacing.
- I thought we were supposed to be faceless.

970
01:10:05,814 --> 01:10:08,612
They don't show your face on radio.

971
01:10:08,774 --> 01:10:12,210
They've said if I don't do it,
Arnold has said he would.

972
01:10:12,374 --> 01:10:14,763
Perhaps that would be better.

973
01:10:16,334 --> 01:10:19,326
Arnold? For myself, I would rather not do it.

974
01:10:19,494 --> 01:10:22,884
But one's sense of duty compels one
to see that Arnold

975
01:10:23,054 --> 01:10:25,887
is not held up as an example of a top civil servant.

976
01:10:26,654 --> 01:10:31,250
You'll need clearance from the Prime Minister,
but that won't be a problem.

977
01:10:31,414 --> 01:10:35,407
- How do you know?
- Well, it's on Radio 3. Nobody'll be listening.

978
01:10:40,134 --> 01:10:42,329
- Ah, Prime Minister.
- Humphrey.

979
01:10:42,494 --> 01:10:45,292
The Cabinet agenda, Prime Minister.

980
01:10:45,454 --> 01:10:47,843
- Is it today you do your interview?
- Oh, yes.

981
01:10:48,014 --> 01:10:50,369
- Any problems?
- Oh, no, no, no.

982
01:10:50,534 --> 01:10:54,322
I have some experience
in dealing with difficult questions.

983
01:10:54,494 --> 01:10:59,887
If you're evasive or confusing on the radio, they
edit you out. You've really got to say something.

984
01:11:00,054 --> 01:11:03,046
- Say something?
- Something simple and interesting.

985
01:11:03,214 --> 01:11:05,682
Simple and interesting.

986
01:11:05,854 --> 01:11:11,087
Perhaps you could advise me, Prime Minister,
particularly if the questions are aggressive.

987
01:11:11,254 --> 01:11:14,246
Even better. That puts listeners on your side.

988
01:11:14,414 --> 01:11:19,408
- I may have to answer them.
- Why? You've never answered my questions.

989
01:11:19,574 --> 01:11:22,566
No, no, no, that's different, Prime Minister.

990
01:11:24,574 --> 01:11:28,408
Ludovic Kennedy might ask me
some perceptive questions.

991
01:11:30,494 --> 01:11:34,612
His researchers mentioned that lots of people
are interested to know

992
01:11:34,774 --> 01:11:37,493
why so much power is centralised in my hands.

993
01:11:37,654 --> 01:11:41,647
Lots of people?
Hardly anybody's ever heard of you, Humphrey!

994
01:11:42,454 --> 01:11:47,926
- Perhaps they meant lots of Radio 3 listeners.
- That's a contradiction in terms!

995
01:11:48,094 --> 01:11:53,293
If he does say that lots of people want to know
the answer to that question, say, "Name six."

996
01:11:53,454 --> 01:11:58,084
That'll fix him.
He'll never be able to remember more than two.

997
01:11:58,254 --> 01:12:01,052
Oh, excellent, Prime Minister. Any more tricks?

998
01:12:01,214 --> 01:12:04,411
Tricks, Humphrey? This is technique.

999
01:12:04,574 --> 01:12:10,570
Attack one word in the sentence. Like frequently.
"Frequently? What do you mean, frequently?"

1000
01:12:10,734 --> 01:12:15,933
Or attack the interviewer. "You've clearly
never read the white paper, have you?"

1001
01:12:16,094 --> 01:12:18,085
Or else ask your own question.

1002
01:12:18,254 --> 01:12:22,293
"That was a very interesting question.
Now let me ask you a question." See?

1003
01:12:23,094 --> 01:12:25,244
Oh, thank you, Prime Minister.

1004
01:12:26,814 --> 01:12:30,807
That reminds me, I have shortly
to appear before the committee

1005
01:12:30,974 --> 01:12:34,444
to answer questions
about the alleged bugging of an MP's phone.

1006
01:12:34,614 --> 01:12:40,166
Yes. Yes, Bernard told me. Well, you'll just
have to confirm what I said in the House.

1007
01:12:41,134 --> 01:12:44,524
- But that would be lying.
- Well, nobody'd know.

1008
01:12:46,454 --> 01:12:49,685
Oh, what a tangled web we weave.

1009
01:12:50,774 --> 01:12:53,971
You must.
Otherwise it'll look as though I was lying.

1010
01:12:55,014 --> 01:12:57,050
Humphrey, you have a loyalty.

1011
01:12:58,814 --> 01:13:01,248
To the truth.

1012
01:13:01,414 --> 01:13:07,364
I'm sorry, Prime Minister, I cannot become
involved in some shabby cover-up.

1013
01:13:11,494 --> 01:13:17,091
Whereas there must be some element of shared
responsibility for the governance of Britain,

1014
01:13:17,254 --> 01:13:21,645
as between the legislators on the one hand
and the administration on the other,

1015
01:13:21,814 --> 01:13:27,810
the precise allocation of cause to consequence
or agency to eventuality in any particular instance

1016
01:13:27,974 --> 01:13:32,411
is invariably so complex as to be
ultimately invalid if not irresponsible.

1017
01:13:32,574 --> 01:13:35,372
I see, but could you be a bit more precise?

1018
01:13:35,534 --> 01:13:39,322
How far is the Civil Service to blame
for the level of unemployment?

1019
01:13:39,494 --> 01:13:42,372
Yes, of course, unemployment is a single name
applied by the media

1020
01:13:43,494 --> 01:13:46,691
to what is a wide range
of socio-economic phenomena

1021
01:13:46,854 --> 01:13:50,324
whose most politically visible manifestation
happens to be...

1022
01:13:50,494 --> 01:13:55,124
- Could you be a little bit more precise...
- I'm so sorry, Mr Kennedy.

1023
01:13:55,294 --> 01:13:59,082
You've asked me the question.
Do allow me to answer it.

1024
01:13:59,254 --> 01:14:02,052
There happens to be a current frequency

1025
01:14:02,214 --> 01:14:06,412
of weekly registrations
on the National Unemployment Register

1026
01:14:06,574 --> 01:14:10,772
which is deemed to be above
what has been held to be an acceptable level.

1027
01:14:10,934 --> 01:14:16,167
But even separating out the component causes,
let alone allocating responsibility for them,

1028
01:14:16,334 --> 01:14:18,928
is a task of such analytical delicacy

1029
01:14:19,094 --> 01:14:24,691
as not to be susceptible of compression within
the confines of a popular radio programme.

1030
01:14:24,854 --> 01:14:28,767
Sir Humphrey Appleby, thank you very much.

1031
01:14:28,934 --> 01:14:34,406
If that was a popular programme,
what would an unpopular programme be like?

1032
01:14:34,574 --> 01:14:37,566
Thank you, Sir Humphrey. Absolutely splendid.

1033
01:14:37,734 --> 01:14:41,249
My pleasure. Was I all right?

1034
01:14:41,414 --> 01:14:44,611
Couldn't you have said a bit more
about unemployment?

1035
01:14:44,774 --> 01:14:47,971
- Such as?
- Well... the truth.

1036
01:14:48,134 --> 01:14:50,694
- (HUMPHREY LAUGHS)
- Why do you laugh?

1037
01:14:50,854 --> 01:14:55,325
Oh, my dear Ludo,
nobody tells the truth about unemployment.

1038
01:14:55,494 --> 01:14:58,804
- Why not?
- Because everybody knows you can halve it.

1039
01:14:58,974 --> 01:15:01,568
- But how?
- Cut off all Social Security

1040
01:15:01,734 --> 01:15:04,328
to any claimant who refuses two job offers.

1041
01:15:04,494 --> 01:15:08,885
There's genuine unemployment in the north,
but the south is awash with layabouts,

1042
01:15:09,054 --> 01:15:12,649
many of them graduates living off the dole
and housing benefit

1043
01:15:12,814 --> 01:15:16,170
plus quite a lot of cash they pick up
without telling anybody.

1044
01:15:16,334 --> 01:15:19,804
- You mean moonlighting?
- Well, sunlighting, really.

1045
01:15:19,974 --> 01:15:25,446
Most employers will tell you they're short-staffed,
but offer the unemployed a street-sweeping job,

1046
01:15:25,614 --> 01:15:29,323
they'd be off the register
before you could say "parasite".

1047
01:15:29,494 --> 01:15:34,488
This country can have as much unemployment
as it's prepared to pay for in Social Security.

1048
01:15:34,654 --> 01:15:37,566
No politicians have got the guts to do anything.

1049
01:15:37,734 --> 01:15:41,727
- (LUDOVIC) Oh, I do wish you'd said that.
- (HUMPHREY) I'm sure you do.

1050
01:15:46,974 --> 01:15:49,169
- Sir Humphrey...
- Oh, come along.

1051
01:15:49,334 --> 01:15:52,531
- What's this for?
- The BBC have just sent me this tape.

1052
01:15:52,694 --> 01:15:58,564
Apparently, it's part of my interview.
They say it's particularly interesting.

1053
01:15:59,574 --> 01:16:03,772
- Your interview?
- You're surprised I said something interesting?

1054
01:16:03,934 --> 01:16:09,531
No, no, it's just that I thought you intended
to say nothing, as always. I mean...

1055
01:16:09,694 --> 01:16:12,766
Switch it on, Bernard. You may learn something.

1056
01:16:15,294 --> 01:16:18,491
<i>... Ludo, nobody tells the truth</i>
<i>about unemployment.</i>

1057
01:16:18,654 --> 01:16:22,806
- <i>Why not?</i>
- <i>Because everyone knows you can halve it...</i>

1058
01:16:23,814 --> 01:16:28,569
<i>Cut off all Social Security to all claimants</i>
<i>who refuse two j'ob offers...</i>

1059
01:16:28,734 --> 01:16:31,726
(WINDS TAPE FORWARD)

1060
01:16:31,894 --> 01:16:35,443
<i>No politicians have got the guts to do anything.</i>

1061
01:16:36,494 --> 01:16:39,486
Sir Humphrey, that wasn't you, was it?

1062
01:16:40,614 --> 01:16:44,607
- Yes, Bernard.
- But how could you say such things?

1063
01:16:44,774 --> 01:16:46,765
Is there any more?

1064
01:16:55,454 --> 01:16:59,003
- Yes, Bernard.
- As damaging as what we've just heard?

1065
01:17:01,014 --> 01:17:03,323
More damaging.

1066
01:17:03,494 --> 01:17:06,292
I believe I referred to... parasites.

1067
01:17:06,454 --> 01:17:09,924
- How could you be so indiscreet?
- The interview was over!

1068
01:17:10,094 --> 01:17:13,848
- We were just chatting! It was off the record!
- It was on the tape!

1069
01:17:15,214 --> 01:17:19,093
Oh, my God, I've just realised! Blackmail.

1070
01:17:19,254 --> 01:17:21,688
- Blackmail?
- Read that.

1071
01:17:21,854 --> 01:17:26,689
"Here is a copy of your off-the-record
part of the interview. Very interesting.

1072
01:17:26,854 --> 01:17:30,529
- "We will contact you shortly."
- What do they want of me?

1073
01:17:30,694 --> 01:17:33,686
The BBC? Licence fee up 50%?

1074
01:17:35,094 --> 01:17:38,689
- Maybe it's a private blackmail by the producer.
- Maybe.

1075
01:17:38,854 --> 01:17:41,573
Doesn't he know I'm a poor man?

1076
01:17:41,734 --> 01:17:45,522
Maybe he hasn't read you live in abject poverty
on 81,000 a year.

1077
01:17:50,054 --> 01:17:53,649
- What am I going to do?
- Keep your mouth shut in future.

1078
01:17:53,814 --> 01:17:58,285
And so must you! Don't breathe a word
about this to anyone! Anyone!

1079
01:17:58,454 --> 01:18:01,446
- My duty to the...
- (SPLUTTERS)

1080
01:18:04,534 --> 01:18:06,729
Oh, Bernard, what am I going to do?

1081
01:18:06,894 --> 01:18:11,206
Well, put out a press statement
expressing sympathy for the unemployed.

1082
01:18:11,694 --> 01:18:14,686
- Sympathy?
- You may be joining them any moment.

1083
01:18:23,774 --> 01:18:26,607
- Yes, Bernard?
- Excuse me, are you busy?

1084
01:18:26,774 --> 01:18:32,644
I am. I'm expecting Humphrey. I've got to decide
what to tell the Cabinet about this bugging.

1085
01:18:32,814 --> 01:18:36,489
Do I tell them the truth...
or do I tell them what I told the House?

1086
01:18:36,654 --> 01:18:42,206
Perhaps you should behave to the Cabinet
as you would expect them to behave to you.

1087
01:18:43,214 --> 01:18:46,604
You're quite right.
I'll tell them what I've told the House.

1088
01:18:47,574 --> 01:18:49,565
(COUGHS SIGNIFICANTLY)

1089
01:18:49,734 --> 01:18:53,010
- Something else?
- Yes, there is something you need to know.

1090
01:18:53,694 --> 01:18:57,448
- Need to know?
- Yes, it's about Sir Humphrey's broadcast.

1091
01:18:58,934 --> 01:19:01,528
- Boring?
- Initially, yes.

1092
01:19:01,694 --> 01:19:05,050
Then it livened up
as he became more and more indiscreet.

1093
01:19:05,214 --> 01:19:07,250
Humphrey? Indiscreet?

1094
01:19:07,414 --> 01:19:11,805
He thought the broadcast was over.
He was chatting, but the tape was still running.

1095
01:19:11,974 --> 01:19:14,169
- He fell for that old dodge?
- Yes.

1096
01:19:14,334 --> 01:19:18,646
You should always treat every microphone
as if it were live. Doesn't he know that?

1097
01:19:18,814 --> 01:19:22,204
- He hasn't done a lot of broadcasting.
- What did he say?

1098
01:19:22,374 --> 01:19:26,492
We could halve unemployment,
but the government hasn't the guts.

1099
01:19:26,654 --> 01:19:31,011
- What?!
- He didn't know he was being recorded.

1100
01:19:31,174 --> 01:19:37,693
And the BBC has the original? You know what
this means. All over the papers. Do something!

1101
01:19:37,854 --> 01:19:42,405
I already have. I had lunch with the producer.
He and I were at Oxford together.

1102
01:19:42,574 --> 01:19:44,963
He never intended to release the tape,

1103
01:19:45,134 --> 01:19:49,173
so I got him to give me the indiscreet bit
from the master tape.

1104
01:19:50,014 --> 01:19:52,005
This is the original?

1105
01:19:54,174 --> 01:19:57,052
Does Humphrey know you've got it?

1106
01:20:03,694 --> 01:20:06,413
- Shall I tell him?
- Why?

1107
01:20:07,974 --> 01:20:11,171
- I think he'd like to know.
- I'm sure he would.

1108
01:20:11,334 --> 01:20:13,723
But does he NEED to know?

1109
01:20:14,774 --> 01:20:19,245
Ah, somebody needs to know, but now you know,
Sir Humphrey doesn't need to know.

1110
01:20:19,414 --> 01:20:24,568
You need to know Sir Humphrey doesn't know,
but he doesn't need to know you know.

1111
01:20:24,734 --> 01:20:28,249
Thank you, Bernard,
I couldn't have put it less clearly myself.

1112
01:20:28,414 --> 01:20:31,212
- Like to hear the tape?
- Can you play this?

1113
01:20:31,374 --> 01:20:34,764
Oh, no, not that. I got him to give me a copy.

1114
01:20:34,934 --> 01:20:39,405
Oh, no, hold on a minute.
I think this deserves a wider audience.

1115
01:20:39,574 --> 01:20:42,964
- I think Humphrey ought to hear this.
- (BUZZER)

1116
01:20:44,774 --> 01:20:46,093
Yes?

1117
01:20:46,254 --> 01:20:48,927
Oh. It is Sir Humphrey.

1118
01:20:49,094 --> 01:20:52,848
What a happy coincidence.
Ask him to join us, Bernard.

1119
01:20:53,014 --> 01:20:58,725
Will you hold on a moment? Prime Minister,
I did tell you all this in confidence.

1120
01:20:58,894 --> 01:21:01,124
And I respect your confidence.

1121
01:21:04,094 --> 01:21:08,849
- This is serious, you know, Bernard.
- Oh, er, yes, Prime Minister.

1122
01:21:14,454 --> 01:21:16,445
Sir Humphrey.

1123
01:21:16,614 --> 01:21:20,209
Ah, Humphrey, come in, come in, come in!
(CHUCKLES)

1124
01:21:21,214 --> 01:21:25,048
- How did your broadcast go?
- Oh, very well, very well.

1125
01:21:25,774 --> 01:21:28,811
- What did you say?
- Oh, nothing in particular.

1126
01:21:28,974 --> 01:21:33,252
I pointed out some of the difficulties
in allocating responsibilities

1127
01:21:33,414 --> 01:21:36,326
as between politicians and civil servants.

1128
01:21:36,494 --> 01:21:40,123
- But you were discreet?
- Why do you ask?

1129
01:21:40,294 --> 01:21:42,285
- Were you or weren't you?
- Yes.

1130
01:21:42,454 --> 01:21:45,412
- Yes, you were or yes, you weren't?
- Yes.

1131
01:21:45,574 --> 01:21:49,283
- Humpy?
- Wouldn't you expect me to be discreet?

1132
01:21:49,454 --> 01:21:52,252
- Of course.
- There you are, then.

1133
01:21:52,414 --> 01:21:54,484
Good. Well, that's all right, then.

1134
01:21:56,734 --> 01:21:58,531
Why do you ask?

1135
01:21:58,694 --> 01:22:01,288
It's just that the BBC sent me a tape.

1136
01:22:03,894 --> 01:22:06,931
- A tape? What tape?
- A tape of your broadcast.

1137
01:22:07,094 --> 01:22:09,130
I thought we might listen to it.

1138
01:22:09,294 --> 01:22:11,603
- No, no, no, no, no!
- Why not?

1139
01:22:11,774 --> 01:22:13,969
- It isn't interesting.
- Not interesting?

1140
01:22:14,134 --> 01:22:17,490
- The Cabinet Secretary talking to the nation?
- Not VERY.

1141
01:22:17,654 --> 01:22:20,612
You mean you were too discreet?

1142
01:22:20,774 --> 01:22:23,083
Play it, would you, Bernard?

1143
01:22:23,254 --> 01:22:26,007
<i>Nobody tells the truth about unemployment.</i>

1144
01:22:26,174 --> 01:22:29,769
- <i>Why not?</i>
- <i>Because everyone knows you can halve it.</i>

1145
01:22:29,934 --> 01:22:32,528
- <i>How?</i>
- <i>Cut off all Social Security</i>

1146
01:22:32,694 --> 01:22:35,606
<i>to all claimants who refuse two j'ob offers.</i>

1147
01:22:35,774 --> 01:22:37,765
<i>There's genuine unemployment...</i>

1148
01:22:37,934 --> 01:22:40,926
- Humphrey!
- I'm terribly sorry. I didn't know!

1149
01:22:41,094 --> 01:22:44,291
- The interview was over!
- The indiscretion!

1150
01:22:44,454 --> 01:22:46,604
- The irresponsibility! Any more?
- No.

1151
01:22:46,774 --> 01:22:49,971
- Yes.
- Play it, Bernard.

1152
01:22:50,134 --> 01:22:53,683
<i>... be off the register</i>
<i>before you could say "parasite".</i>

1153
01:22:53,854 --> 01:22:58,882
<i>This country can have as much unemployment</i>
<i>as it's prepared to pay for in Social Security.</i>

1154
01:22:59,054 --> 01:23:03,332
- <i>No politicians have the guts to do anything.</i>
- You said that?!

1155
01:23:05,894 --> 01:23:07,885
It was Mike Yarwood.

1156
01:23:13,014 --> 01:23:16,768
I'm in somewhat of a difficulty
as to know what to do about this.

1157
01:23:16,934 --> 01:23:21,086
I need advice. Perhaps I ought to play it
to the Cabinet, get their reaction.

1158
01:23:21,254 --> 01:23:23,722
- Oh, please!
- Or the Privy Counsel.

1159
01:23:23,894 --> 01:23:27,682
- Or... Her Majesty?
- Oh, God!

1160
01:23:27,854 --> 01:23:31,642
Do you realise what damage it would do
if it got into the papers?

1161
01:23:31,814 --> 01:23:35,409
I could say I got it wrong!
I've checked and it isn't true!

1162
01:23:35,574 --> 01:23:37,565
- But it is.
- I could say it isn't!

1163
01:23:37,734 --> 01:23:41,966
- Nobody can prove it, it's never been tried!
- You'd tell an untruth in public?

1164
01:23:42,134 --> 01:23:48,482
- Yes, for YOU! We can issue a clarification.
- You've already made yourself very clear.

1165
01:23:48,654 --> 01:23:54,092
Prime Minister, a clarification is not to make
oneself clear, it is to put oneself in the clear.

1166
01:23:54,974 --> 01:23:57,090
Oh, what a tangled web we weave.

1167
01:23:59,214 --> 01:24:04,163
Give me the tape, would you, Bernard?
Now I've got something to tell you.

1168
01:24:04,334 --> 01:24:06,131
This is a copy,

1169
01:24:06,294 --> 01:24:10,492
but this is the original, the master.

1170
01:24:10,654 --> 01:24:13,612
- You mean...
- They were retrieved from the BBC.

1171
01:24:14,414 --> 01:24:16,211
By whom?

1172
01:24:17,374 --> 01:24:19,444
Intelligence.

1173
01:24:20,094 --> 01:24:22,528
So... no one else will ever know?

1174
01:24:22,694 --> 01:24:25,731
That rather depends on what I choose to tell them.

1175
01:24:25,894 --> 01:24:29,887
Of course, I could just hand over the tapes or...

1176
01:24:30,854 --> 01:24:36,565
...I could hold onto them while I consider
the security and disciplinary implications.

1177
01:24:36,734 --> 01:24:40,568
I certainly have no intention of joining
"some shabby cover-up".

1178
01:24:41,374 --> 01:24:46,368
Oh, that reminds me, have you decided yet
what you'll tell the Privileges Committee?

1179
01:24:46,534 --> 01:24:51,927
Oh, yes, yes, Prime Minister. I've decided that,
in the interests of national security,

1180
01:24:52,094 --> 01:24:56,770
that, um, the only honourable course
is to support your statement in the House.

1181
01:24:56,934 --> 01:25:00,529
And say that Hugh Halifax's phone
has never been bugged?

1182
01:25:00,694 --> 01:25:03,049
- And say I have no evidence...
- No!

1183
01:25:03,214 --> 01:25:07,844
And say the government has never authorised
the bugging of MPs' phones.

1184
01:25:08,014 --> 01:25:13,372
And say... the government has never author...
Supposing they find out the truth?

1185
01:25:13,534 --> 01:25:16,844
You'll just have to say that nobody told you

1186
01:25:17,014 --> 01:25:20,211
because you didn't need to know.

1187
01:25:20,374 --> 01:25:22,524
- Agreed?
- (SIGHS)

1188
01:25:22,694 --> 01:25:24,685
Splendid. That's settled, then.

1189
01:25:25,294 --> 01:25:27,854
May one have one's tapes back?

1190
01:25:31,654 --> 01:25:33,451
Tomorrow.

1191
01:25:35,094 --> 01:25:38,848
After the Committee on Privileges.
All right, Humphrey?

1192
01:25:40,414 --> 01:25:42,405
Yes, Prime Minister.