1
00:00:43,287 --> 00:00:45,278
(CAR DOOR OPENS)

2
00:00:48,487 --> 00:00:51,081
- What is it today, sir?
- The Ministry.

3
00:00:51,247 --> 00:00:54,683
All morning on Health Service administration.

4
00:00:54,847 --> 00:00:57,202
A chap just now on the radio

5
00:00:57,367 --> 00:01:01,485
said the trouble with health,
education and transport

6
00:01:01,647 --> 00:01:04,844
is that people in Government
go to private hospitals

7
00:01:05,007 --> 00:01:08,124
and send their kids to private schools!

8
00:01:08,287 --> 00:01:10,847
Comedy programme, was it?

9
00:01:11,007 --> 00:01:13,999
And go to work in chauffeur-driven cars!

10
00:01:15,687 --> 00:01:18,360
Think there's something in it, sir?

11
00:01:18,527 --> 00:01:21,758
If you and Sir Humphrey
went to work on a number 27...

12
00:01:21,927 --> 00:01:23,246
Quite impracticable!

13
00:01:23,407 --> 00:01:27,923
We work long enough hours as it is,
without having to wait at bus stops.

14
00:01:28,087 --> 00:01:31,762
- You'd need more efficient buses.
- Certainly would.

15
00:01:31,927 --> 00:01:34,964
Yes, that's what he was saying.

16
00:01:35,927 --> 00:01:39,966
Same with the Health Service.
You a member of BUPA, sir?

17
00:01:40,127 --> 00:01:43,563
- Anything on the radio, Roy?
- "Yesterday in Parliament".

18
00:01:43,727 --> 00:01:45,285
Don't bother...

19
00:01:45,447 --> 00:01:48,837
<i>(RADl0) Mr Lanford,</i>
<i>opposition member for Birmingham,</i>

20
00:01:49,007 --> 00:01:52,124
<i>asked the Administrative</i>
<i>Affairs Minister, James Hacker,</i>

21
00:01:52,287 --> 00:01:55,802
<i>about reducing administrators</i>
<i>in the Health Service.</i>

22
00:01:56,447 --> 00:02:00,963
<i>(HACKER) We have already</i>
<i>achieved a reduction of 11.3%</i>

23
00:02:01,127 --> 00:02:03,357
<i>in administrative staff</i>

24
00:02:03,527 --> 00:02:06,803
<i>and are actively pursuing</i>
<i>further economies.</i>

25
00:02:06,967 --> 00:02:10,846
<i>(LANF0RD) Would you explain</i>
<i>how his assurance to the House</i>

26
00:02:11,007 --> 00:02:15,922
<i>squares with this minute</i>
<i>from his own department?</i>

27
00:02:16,087 --> 00:02:19,716
<i>(REP0RTER) Then Mr Lanford</i>
<i>dramatically produced a paper.</i>

28
00:02:19,887 --> 00:02:23,766
<i>(LANF0RD) I quote,</i>
<i>"If admin staff were reclassified</i>

29
00:02:23,927 --> 00:02:25,918
<i>"from administrative to technical..."</i>

30
00:02:26,087 --> 00:02:27,440
<i>(MPs CHEERING)</i>

31
00:02:27,607 --> 00:02:32,237
<i>"...and the comparison changed</i>
<i>from the financial to calendar year,</i>

32
00:02:32,407 --> 00:02:37,686
<i>"then the figures will show</i>
<i>a fall of 11.3%. "</i>

33
00:02:37,847 --> 00:02:41,442
<i>Would the Minister care to comment</i>
<i>on this shabby deception?</i>

34
00:02:42,647 --> 00:02:45,286
Bit of a googly, sir.

35
00:02:46,247 --> 00:02:49,603
<i>(HACKER) I... er... I... erm...</i>

36
00:02:49,767 --> 00:02:54,079
<i>I have no knowledge of the document</i>
<i>you're brandishing.</i>

37
00:02:55,367 --> 00:02:58,803
<i>(LANF0RD) I shall give</i>
<i>the file reference to the Minister</i>

38
00:02:58,967 --> 00:03:04,325
<i>in exchange for an assurance</i>
<i>of a full independent enquiry.</i>

39
00:03:04,487 --> 00:03:05,920
<i>(JEERING)</i>

40
00:03:06,847 --> 00:03:08,963
<i>(HACKER) I will give that assurance.</i>

41
00:03:09,127 --> 00:03:13,086
<i>(REP0RTER) The House</i>
<i>read the Scottish Fisheries' Bill...</i>

42
00:03:13,247 --> 00:03:16,683
That's a bit rough, innit?
"A full independent enquiry"!

43
00:03:17,967 --> 00:03:22,085
- You were dropped in it there.
- I think I got away with it.

44
00:03:22,247 --> 00:03:26,479
Lucky they didn't ask you
about that new hospital, sir.

45
00:03:26,647 --> 00:03:31,562
They finished it 15 months ago,
and it's still got no patients.

46
00:03:31,727 --> 00:03:34,366
The DHSS can't afford to staff it.

47
00:03:34,527 --> 00:03:38,440
It's got staff, 500 administrators.

48
00:03:38,607 --> 00:03:40,802
- Just no patients.
- Who told you?

49
00:03:40,967 --> 00:03:44,357
My mate Charlie, a driver for the Health Secretary.

50
00:03:48,207 --> 00:03:50,118
- I'm appalled!
- So am I.

51
00:03:50,287 --> 00:03:52,164
The incompetence of it!

52
00:03:52,327 --> 00:03:54,841
I can't think what came over you.

53
00:03:55,007 --> 00:03:56,520
I beg your pardon!

54
00:03:56,687 --> 00:04:01,363
- A full independent enquiry.
- Humphrey, that's not what I meant.

55
00:04:01,527 --> 00:04:04,644
- But you mentioned incompetence.
- Yours, Humphrey, yours!

56
00:04:05,167 --> 00:04:08,045
- Mine?!
- You dropped me into it?

57
00:04:08,207 --> 00:04:13,042
We can't foresee a small omission
from the brief, but a full enquiry?!

58
00:04:13,207 --> 00:04:17,166
I don't want an enquiry, but if
you're drowning and thrown a rope...

59
00:04:17,327 --> 00:04:20,080
That wasn't a rope, it was a noose!

60
00:04:20,247 --> 00:04:22,442
You should've stood up for the department!

61
00:04:22,607 --> 00:04:25,599
I prepared thoroughly
for yesterday's Question Time,

62
00:04:25,767 --> 00:04:31,717
but nowhere was the suggestion you'd juggled
the figures so I'd mislead the House!

63
00:04:31,887 --> 00:04:36,802
You wanted the figures reduced?
So we reduced the figures!

64
00:04:36,967 --> 00:04:41,438
- Yes, but not the administrators.
- Of course not.

65
00:04:41,607 --> 00:04:46,476
- That's not what I meant.
- Minister, one isn't a mind-reader!

66
00:04:46,647 --> 00:04:50,003
- You said reduce them, so we did.
- And another thing:

67
00:04:50,167 --> 00:04:52,635
How did this get out? Another leak?

68
00:04:53,767 --> 00:04:56,804
This isn't a department, it's a colander!

69
00:04:56,967 --> 00:05:01,324
How can we govern responsibly,
if backbenchers get all the facts?

70
00:05:01,487 --> 00:05:06,322
- The enquiry gives us some time.
- So does a time-bomb!

71
00:05:06,487 --> 00:05:09,126
- Is there a disposal squad?
- Disposal squad?

72
00:05:09,287 --> 00:05:13,121
Couldn't we get the independent
enquiry to exonerate us?

73
00:05:14,487 --> 00:05:18,480
- Do you mean rig it?
- No, no, no, no!

74
00:05:18,647 --> 00:05:20,239
Well... yes.

75
00:05:20,927 --> 00:05:22,246
Minister!

76
00:05:23,127 --> 00:05:25,561
It depends on who the chairman is.

77
00:05:25,727 --> 00:05:29,037
- He absolutely has to be sound.
- Sound?

78
00:05:29,207 --> 00:05:34,600
He will know what is required.
He will perceive the implications.

79
00:05:34,767 --> 00:05:38,476
He will have a sympathetic insight
into the problems.

80
00:05:38,647 --> 00:05:41,525
In short, he will be "sound".

81
00:05:41,687 --> 00:05:43,439
You mean... bent?

82
00:05:43,607 --> 00:05:45,598
No, of course not!

83
00:05:45,767 --> 00:05:48,918
He will be a man of broad understanding...

84
00:05:49,087 --> 00:05:51,760
How about... a retired politician?

85
00:05:51,927 --> 00:05:54,600
...and unimpeachable integrity.

86
00:05:54,767 --> 00:05:56,962
Yes, I see what you mean.

87
00:05:57,127 --> 00:05:59,243
- A businessman?
- Oh, really!

88
00:05:59,407 --> 00:06:02,365
- An academic?
- No, no, no.

89
00:06:02,527 --> 00:06:07,601
- Who've you got in mind?
- Perhaps a retired civil servant.

90
00:06:07,767 --> 00:06:11,646
- Good thinking, Humphrey.
- Sir Maurice Williams.

91
00:06:11,807 --> 00:06:13,957
Might not he be too independent?

92
00:06:14,127 --> 00:06:18,040
- Well, he's hoping for a peerage.
- Not through this?

93
00:06:18,207 --> 00:06:22,041
No, but the right finding
will earn him Brownie points!

94
00:06:22,207 --> 00:06:25,961
- Brownie points?!
- They all add up towards the badge!

95
00:06:27,447 --> 00:06:30,484
- Well, Sir Maurice it is.
- Thank you, Minister.

96
00:06:30,647 --> 00:06:33,161
Thank you... Brown Owl.

97
00:06:33,327 --> 00:06:34,646
Oh!

98
00:06:37,007 --> 00:06:39,157
Good morning, Bernard.

99
00:06:39,927 --> 00:06:43,397
- Two points... the Cuban refugees.
- Not that again?

100
00:06:43,567 --> 00:06:46,923
It's about our refusal
to do any more for them.

101
00:06:47,087 --> 00:06:50,875
It's not my fault, it's the Treasury.
You can't beat the Treasury!

102
00:06:51,047 --> 00:06:52,844
I shall say nothing.

103
00:06:53,007 --> 00:06:58,525
One more public humiliation and I'll
become a political refugee myself!

104
00:06:58,687 --> 00:07:03,078
- And the other point?
- The alleged empty hospital.

105
00:07:03,247 --> 00:07:07,206
As I warned you, the driver's network
is not wholly reliable.

106
00:07:07,367 --> 00:07:10,279
- Roy's wrong.
- Thank heavens for that!

107
00:07:10,447 --> 00:07:14,235
- How did you find out?
- The private secretaries' network.

108
00:07:14,407 --> 00:07:15,726
And?

109
00:07:15,887 --> 00:07:20,597
In fact, there are only 342
administrative staff at the hospital.

110
00:07:20,767 --> 00:07:25,158
The other 170 are porters, cleaners,
laundry workers, cooks, etc.

111
00:07:25,327 --> 00:07:26,885
And medical staff?

112
00:07:27,047 --> 00:07:29,117
Oh, none of them.

113
00:07:29,887 --> 00:07:32,321
- None?
- No!

114
00:07:32,487 --> 00:07:35,285
We are talking
about St Edward's Hospital?

115
00:07:35,447 --> 00:07:38,200
Yes. It's brand-new and fully-staffed.

116
00:07:38,367 --> 00:07:41,086
Unfortunately, there were cutbacks,

117
00:07:41,247 --> 00:07:44,205
so there was no money for medical services.

118
00:07:44,367 --> 00:07:48,076
A hospital with over 500 non-medical
staff and no patients?

119
00:07:48,247 --> 00:07:50,283
- There's one patient.
- One?

120
00:07:50,447 --> 00:07:54,645
The deputy administrator fell over
scaffolding and broke his leg.

121
00:07:54,807 --> 00:07:56,365
Good God!

122
00:07:56,527 --> 00:08:00,645
Thank heavens I wasn't asked about this!
Why hasn't it got out?

123
00:08:00,807 --> 00:08:04,004
It's been contrived to look like a building site,

124
00:08:04,167 --> 00:08:07,318
and so far no one's realised it's operational!

125
00:08:07,487 --> 00:08:10,763
You know, scaffolding, skips, the normal thing?

126
00:08:11,287 --> 00:08:14,916
Normal?! I'd better look at it
before the opposition does.

127
00:08:15,087 --> 00:08:18,363
Yes, it's surprising the press haven't found out.

128
00:08:18,527 --> 00:08:21,360
Fortunately, most journalists are so incompetent,

129
00:08:21,527 --> 00:08:24,121
they wouldn't know today is Wednesday.

130
00:08:24,287 --> 00:08:27,245
It's actually Thursday, Minister.

131
00:08:31,647 --> 00:08:33,922
Let's sit down there.

132
00:08:34,087 --> 00:08:36,920
Why is your Minister interested in this hospital?

133
00:08:37,087 --> 00:08:40,716
He's greatly concerned that it has no patients.

134
00:08:40,887 --> 00:08:43,640
- It takes all sorts.
- Yes.

135
00:08:43,807 --> 00:08:45,923
- Evening.
- Good evening.

136
00:08:47,007 --> 00:08:51,876
How can there be patients
when it has no nursing staff?

137
00:08:54,127 --> 00:08:56,516
- Thank you.
- Splendid.

138
00:08:56,687 --> 00:08:58,962
- Sir Humphrey?
- Thank you.

139
00:09:00,087 --> 00:09:05,445
We've found at the DHSS
that it takes time to get things going.

140
00:09:06,647 --> 00:09:11,323
First of all, you have to sort out
the smooth running of the hospital.

141
00:09:11,487 --> 00:09:15,275
Having patients around would be no help at all.

142
00:09:15,847 --> 00:09:18,281
They'd just be in the way.

143
00:09:18,447 --> 00:09:23,885
- Tell him this is the run-in period.
- Yes, yes, the run-in period.

144
00:09:24,607 --> 00:09:27,804
How long is the run-in period going to last?

145
00:09:27,967 --> 00:09:30,845
My Minister's agreed to an independent enquiry.

146
00:09:31,007 --> 00:09:35,205
- You know what I think about that.
- Yes, I know, but...

147
00:09:35,887 --> 00:09:40,961
...we are going to get some
patients into St Edward's...

148
00:09:41,847 --> 00:09:43,439
...eventually?

149
00:09:44,287 --> 00:09:46,039
Aren't we?

150
00:09:46,207 --> 00:09:48,198
It's possible.

151
00:09:49,967 --> 00:09:52,765
Certainly our present intention.

152
00:09:53,847 --> 00:09:55,838
In a year or two.

153
00:09:56,767 --> 00:10:00,919
Probably... when the financial
situation has eased up a bit.

154
00:10:01,087 --> 00:10:02,520
Not till then?

155
00:10:02,687 --> 00:10:06,965
How can I open 40 new wards
when I'm closing everywhere else?

156
00:10:07,127 --> 00:10:12,121
- Treasury wouldn't wear it.
- My Minister may want to shut the place.

157
00:10:12,287 --> 00:10:14,482
Impossible! What about the unions?

158
00:10:15,247 --> 00:10:19,445
- Are the unions active there yet?
- Good point.

159
00:10:21,767 --> 00:10:25,999
Remember that firebrand agitator
at Southwark Hospital?

160
00:10:27,607 --> 00:10:30,565
Billy Fraser, odious man. Could be useful.

161
00:10:30,727 --> 00:10:33,366
Time he was moved on.

162
00:10:37,007 --> 00:10:41,398
The Health Service is an advanced
case of galloping bureaucracy!

163
00:10:41,567 --> 00:10:44,479
Oh, certainly not galloping!

164
00:10:46,727 --> 00:10:48,957
A gentle canter at the most.

165
00:10:49,127 --> 00:10:53,245
- Instances flood into this office.
- From whom, Minister?

166
00:10:53,407 --> 00:10:56,683
MPs, constituents,
doctors, nurses, the public.

167
00:10:56,847 --> 00:10:58,678
Trouble makers!

168
00:10:58,847 --> 00:11:01,645
- The public?!
- They're the worst.

169
00:11:02,287 --> 00:11:03,640
Listen to this.

170
00:11:03,807 --> 00:11:06,879
"Stethoscope requisition: Due to current situation,

171
00:11:07,047 --> 00:11:11,120
"it is not possible to issue
the extra stethoscopes applied for.

172
00:11:11,287 --> 00:11:17,476
"We can, however, supply
longer tubes for your existing stethoscopes."

173
00:11:18,407 --> 00:11:21,956
- Well?
- Doesn't that strike you as odd?

174
00:11:22,127 --> 00:11:25,085
- If they have long tubes...
- No, no.

175
00:11:25,247 --> 00:11:28,717
No, not longer stethoscopes,
MORE stethoscopes.

176
00:11:28,887 --> 00:11:31,560
If they had really long tubes,

177
00:11:31,727 --> 00:11:36,642
the doctor could stand in one place
and listen to all the chests.

178
00:11:40,407 --> 00:11:42,523
What about nurses' uniforms?

179
00:11:42,687 --> 00:11:45,838
"Apparently the latest
consignment of nurses' coats

180
00:11:46,207 --> 00:11:50,359
"is made of a see-through material;
nurses issued with these

181
00:11:50,527 --> 00:11:55,078
"are requested to report
to the Director of Uniform Surveillance

182
00:11:55,247 --> 00:11:59,798
"who will assess the extent of the problem."

183
00:11:59,967 --> 00:12:04,358
- Nice work if you can get it.
- Humphrey, I'm serious!

184
00:12:05,407 --> 00:12:10,640
"Please note that the soft toilet
rolls are for patients not staff.

185
00:12:10,807 --> 00:12:15,597
"It would appear that staff have
been using the soft toilet rolls

186
00:12:15,767 --> 00:12:18,440
"for one reason or another."

187
00:12:20,007 --> 00:12:24,239
"St Stephen's Mortuary
will be closed over Christmas.

188
00:12:24,407 --> 00:12:27,604
"During the holiday,
medical staff are to cooperate

189
00:12:27,767 --> 00:12:30,759
"in keeping pressure off this department."

190
00:12:32,287 --> 00:12:34,596
A very civil and reasonable request.

191
00:12:34,767 --> 00:12:40,399
You think the rest of the year
doctors work hard to keep it busy?

192
00:12:40,967 --> 00:12:43,765
These are a few isolated examples.

193
00:12:43,927 --> 00:12:49,206
The Health Service is as efficient
as the Government allows it.

194
00:12:49,367 --> 00:12:52,279
Nonsense! The figures speak for themselves.

195
00:12:52,447 --> 00:12:57,475
In ten years, the number of
administrators has risen by 40,000.

196
00:12:57,647 --> 00:13:01,083
The number of hospital beds
has fallen by 60,000.

197
00:13:01,247 --> 00:13:07,243
The annual cost of the Health
Service has gone up by �1.5 billion!

198
00:13:07,407 --> 00:13:11,400
If only British industry
could match this growth record.

199
00:13:11,567 --> 00:13:15,446
You think spending more money on fewer patients

200
00:13:15,607 --> 00:13:18,041
so we can employ more administrators

201
00:13:18,207 --> 00:13:22,041
is a good way of spending the taxpayer's money?

202
00:13:22,207 --> 00:13:23,526
Certainly.

203
00:13:23,687 --> 00:13:27,362
This money is solely to make sick people better.

204
00:13:27,527 --> 00:13:30,405
No, no, no, Minister.

205
00:13:30,567 --> 00:13:33,127
It is to make everybody better.

206
00:13:33,287 --> 00:13:37,644
Better for showing the extent
of their care and compassion.

207
00:13:37,807 --> 00:13:43,086
You see, when money is allocated
to the Health or Social Services,

208
00:13:43,247 --> 00:13:46,637
Parliament and the country feel... cleansed.

209
00:13:47,647 --> 00:13:51,242
Purified. Absolved. It is a sacrifice.

210
00:13:51,407 --> 00:13:53,284
Dreadful claptrap!

211
00:13:54,007 --> 00:13:59,525
After the sacrifice, nobody questions
what happened to the offering.

212
00:13:59,687 --> 00:14:05,637
- The public does care if it's misspent.
- They care it's not seen to be misspent.

213
00:14:05,807 --> 00:14:11,006
That's not true. Look at the uproar
over mental hospital scandals.

214
00:14:11,167 --> 00:14:13,044
My point exactly.

215
00:14:13,207 --> 00:14:16,722
Those abuses had been going on happily for years.

216
00:14:16,887 --> 00:14:20,880
Nobody was concerned
what was being done with their money.

217
00:14:21,047 --> 00:14:25,438
- What outraged them was being told!
- A cynical smokescreen!

218
00:14:25,607 --> 00:14:30,920
Do we not agree there's no point
in a hospital run solely for the staff?

219
00:14:31,087 --> 00:14:36,081
- That's not how I would express it.
- It's how I would.

220
00:14:36,247 --> 00:14:38,238
Indeed.

221
00:14:39,247 --> 00:14:42,717
- How would you express it?
- At the end of the day,

222
00:14:42,887 --> 00:14:46,004
one of a hospital's prime functions is patient care.

223
00:14:46,167 --> 00:14:47,486
One?

224
00:14:47,647 --> 00:14:51,560
Until we have the money
for nursing and medical staff,

225
00:14:51,727 --> 00:14:55,766
it's a function we can't pursue.
In 18 months or so...

226
00:14:55,927 --> 00:14:59,124
- 18 months?
...we can open some wards.

227
00:14:59,287 --> 00:15:01,642
No, it's got to be now.

228
00:15:02,807 --> 00:15:06,277
I suppose we could form
an inter-departmental committee

229
00:15:06,447 --> 00:15:09,564
to examine the feasibility of monitoring a proposal

230
00:15:09,727 --> 00:15:12,400
for admitting patients earlier.

231
00:15:12,847 --> 00:15:15,884
- How long would that take to report?
- Not long.

232
00:15:16,047 --> 00:15:19,483
How long? About 18 months...!

233
00:15:20,207 --> 00:15:23,802
I suggest we get rid of all the staff there

234
00:15:23,967 --> 00:15:28,483
and use the money to open
closed wards in other hospitals.

235
00:15:28,647 --> 00:15:34,040
When we can afford it, we open
St Edward's with medical staff.

236
00:15:34,207 --> 00:15:37,995
Do that and you'll delay
the opening for patients for years.

237
00:15:38,167 --> 00:15:41,523
You talk as if the staff have nothing to do!

238
00:15:41,687 --> 00:15:44,042
- What do they do?
- Really, Minister!

239
00:15:44,207 --> 00:15:47,279
There's a large number
of extremely busy departments.

240
00:15:47,447 --> 00:15:51,122
Firstly, the Contingency Department
for fires, strikes, air raids,

241
00:15:51,287 --> 00:15:54,597
nuclear war, epidemics, food or water poisoning.

242
00:15:54,767 --> 00:15:58,806
In such a crisis, the hospital
is a key centre for survival.

243
00:15:58,967 --> 00:16:01,640
Then, the Data and Research Department,

244
00:16:01,807 --> 00:16:06,278
conducting a full-scale demographic
survey of the catchment area.

245
00:16:06,447 --> 00:16:09,917
We have to anticipate the future
requirements for maternity,

246
00:16:10,087 --> 00:16:14,126
geriatrics, paediatrics
and the male/female balance.

247
00:16:14,287 --> 00:16:17,359
Thirdly, there's Finance - projected accounts,

248
00:16:17,527 --> 00:16:20,280
balance sheets and cash-flow budgets.

249
00:16:20,447 --> 00:16:25,567
Then, the Purchasing Department
for purchasing medical equipment,

250
00:16:25,727 --> 00:16:29,959
examining estimates, looking
at price lists and catalogues...

251
00:16:30,127 --> 00:16:32,004
Purchasing what?

252
00:16:32,167 --> 00:16:33,725
Everything, Minister.

253
00:16:33,887 --> 00:16:37,846
Everything from brain scanners
to Brasso! May I continue?

254
00:16:38,007 --> 00:16:39,326
Be briefer.

255
00:16:40,207 --> 00:16:44,325
Would that I could, Minister,
but you need to understand.

256
00:16:44,487 --> 00:16:47,365
Fifth, the Technical Department
for evaluations.

257
00:16:47,527 --> 00:16:51,884
Sixth, the Building Department
dealing with Phase 3 plans,

258
00:16:52,047 --> 00:16:57,041
costing and so forth for the final
phase to be completed by 1994.

259
00:16:57,207 --> 00:17:00,040
Then, there's Maintenance, Cleaning and Catering,

260
00:17:00,207 --> 00:17:04,246
Personnel in charge of leave,
National Health Insurance, salaries,

261
00:17:04,407 --> 00:17:09,561
as well as staff welfare officers
to look after the 500 employees.

262
00:17:09,727 --> 00:17:12,605
- And finally, Administration.
- Administrators!

263
00:17:12,767 --> 00:17:15,156
More administrators administrating
other administrators!

264
00:17:15,327 --> 00:17:17,887
This is important work, Minister.

265
00:17:18,047 --> 00:17:21,722
The typing pool, stationery,
office furniture and equipment.

266
00:17:21,887 --> 00:17:26,802
- Liaison between departments.
- Are you being serious or not?

267
00:17:26,967 --> 00:17:31,245
- What do you mean?
- There are NO patients!

268
00:17:31,407 --> 00:17:34,479
That is what a hospital's for. Patients!

269
00:17:34,647 --> 00:17:37,559
Ill people! Healing the sick!

270
00:17:37,727 --> 00:17:43,404
But all these vital tasks must
be done with or without patients.

271
00:17:44,087 --> 00:17:45,998
Why?

272
00:17:46,927 --> 00:17:49,805
- Why?
- Why?

273
00:17:51,007 --> 00:17:53,202
I don't understand.

274
00:17:53,367 --> 00:17:56,086
How else can I express it? Why?

275
00:17:56,247 --> 00:17:58,920
Would you sack the army because there's no war?

276
00:17:59,087 --> 00:18:02,921
Completely different!
A hospital must produce results.

277
00:18:03,087 --> 00:18:08,719
We don't measure our success
by results but by activity.

278
00:18:08,887 --> 00:18:13,244
Those 500 people are seriously overworked!

279
00:18:15,847 --> 00:18:19,283
The full establishment should be 650.

280
00:18:19,447 --> 00:18:21,881
May I show you the paperwork?

281
00:18:22,047 --> 00:18:25,278
No, Humphrey. Enough is enough. Sack them!

282
00:18:25,887 --> 00:18:28,799
Out of the question, Minister.

283
00:18:28,967 --> 00:18:32,482
We need administrators
or the hospital will never open.

284
00:18:32,647 --> 00:18:36,117
- Sack the ancillary staff.
- The unions won't wear it.

285
00:18:36,287 --> 00:18:41,156
Sack half and use the money
to get doctors and nurses,

286
00:18:41,327 --> 00:18:43,682
and open some wards!

287
00:18:43,847 --> 00:18:47,681
No, Humphrey, that's my last word. My last word!

288
00:18:47,847 --> 00:18:49,917
You may go!

289
00:18:51,407 --> 00:18:55,559
Very well, Minister.
I shall have a word with the unions.

290
00:18:56,567 --> 00:19:00,082
- But I don't hold out much hope.
- Go!

291
00:19:02,407 --> 00:19:05,763
That seems to be everything.
Thank you for coming.

292
00:19:12,247 --> 00:19:14,966
Thank you very much.

293
00:19:16,047 --> 00:19:18,083
Very good meeting.

294
00:19:18,247 --> 00:19:21,478
- Got time for a drink?
- A quick one.

295
00:19:21,647 --> 00:19:24,207
The usual? Make yourself at home.

296
00:19:24,367 --> 00:19:25,766
Thank you.

297
00:19:31,527 --> 00:19:35,236
What are we going to do about St Edward's?

298
00:19:35,407 --> 00:19:37,477
St Edward's Hospital?

299
00:19:37,647 --> 00:19:41,322
Not much of a case. Can't fight you on it.

300
00:19:42,127 --> 00:19:44,197
What do you mean?

301
00:19:44,367 --> 00:19:49,600
We realise you can't keep ancillary
staff on in an empty hospital.

302
00:19:50,167 --> 00:19:52,965
Isn't that a bit defeatist?

303
00:19:53,887 --> 00:19:55,923
What?

304
00:19:56,087 --> 00:19:59,682
- Surely, you can stick up for them?
- You want us to...?

305
00:19:59,847 --> 00:20:02,964
It's not just your workers, you know?

306
00:20:03,127 --> 00:20:08,565
The 342 civil servants must have
some workers to administer.

307
00:20:08,727 --> 00:20:13,562
- Civil servants are never laid off.
- We live in disturbing times.

308
00:20:14,367 --> 00:20:19,202
You mean, if we take industrial
action, you'll support us?

309
00:20:19,367 --> 00:20:22,677
My dear Brian, I am the Permanent Secretary.

310
00:20:22,847 --> 00:20:25,805
My task is to turn the wheels of government.

311
00:20:25,967 --> 00:20:29,357
I couldn't possibly countenance any such action.

312
00:20:30,487 --> 00:20:36,357
But... if there were effective opposition
from the ancillary workers,

313
00:20:36,527 --> 00:20:39,246
the civil servants would have to stay.

314
00:20:39,407 --> 00:20:40,965
And the Minister?

315
00:20:41,127 --> 00:20:45,518
The Minister doesn't know
his ACAS from his NALGO.

316
00:20:50,607 --> 00:20:53,280
I haven't got much of a case.

317
00:20:53,447 --> 00:20:57,599
Hospital empty for 15 months,
wards not open for another year.

318
00:20:57,767 --> 00:21:01,965
Pull yourself together. Think of your
members' wives and children.

319
00:21:02,127 --> 00:21:05,164
Their... cats... budgies!

320
00:21:05,327 --> 00:21:07,761
They're resigned to it by now.

321
00:21:08,527 --> 00:21:12,042
Is Billy Fraser resigned to it?

322
00:21:12,727 --> 00:21:15,195
Yes... but he's over at Southwark.

323
00:21:16,087 --> 00:21:18,965
Do you want to bet?

324
00:21:19,407 --> 00:21:20,806
You mean...?

325
00:21:22,127 --> 00:21:27,326
Well, that's a different matter,
with some real shop-floor militancy.

326
00:21:27,487 --> 00:21:30,763
You see? Unity. Solidarity.

327
00:21:31,527 --> 00:21:34,485
- Thanks for the drink.
- Thank you, Brother.

328
00:21:34,647 --> 00:21:39,038
Please give my kind regards
to our fraternal comrades.

329
00:21:41,807 --> 00:21:46,403
<i># We shall not</i>
<i>We shall not be moved #</i>

330
00:22:09,687 --> 00:22:13,396
Minister, this is Mrs Rogers,
the chief administrator.

331
00:22:13,567 --> 00:22:17,719
- Nice to meet you.
- Billy Fraser, committee chairman.

332
00:22:17,887 --> 00:22:22,563
- How nice to meet you.
- I wouldn't be too sure.

333
00:22:29,047 --> 00:22:31,845
This is 'F' ward.

334
00:22:37,127 --> 00:22:40,642
(RACKET OF TYPEWRITERS AND PHONES)

335
00:22:44,487 --> 00:22:47,285
(PHONES RING INCESSANTLY)

336
00:22:50,887 --> 00:22:53,685
And this is 'J' theatre.

337
00:22:56,327 --> 00:23:02,880
- How much did all this cost?
- With radiotherapy... two and a quarter million.

338
00:23:03,047 --> 00:23:08,758
- It's appalling it's not used!
- No, a very good thing in some ways.

339
00:23:08,927 --> 00:23:12,522
Prolongs its life, cuts down running costs.

340
00:23:12,687 --> 00:23:14,803
But there are no patients!

341
00:23:14,967 --> 00:23:17,640
But essential work has to go on.

342
00:23:17,807 --> 00:23:20,367
Aren't patients essential work?

343
00:23:20,527 --> 00:23:24,202
Running an organisation
of 500 people is a big job.

344
00:23:24,367 --> 00:23:27,882
But if they weren't here, they wouldn't be here!

345
00:23:28,047 --> 00:23:30,117
This is wrong. It won't do.

346
00:23:30,287 --> 00:23:33,359
Either get some patients or I'll close it.

347
00:23:33,527 --> 00:23:38,476
- Well, in the course of time...
- Not in the course of time. Now!

348
00:23:38,647 --> 00:23:44,040
Get rid of 300 staff, get some
doctors and get some patients!

349
00:23:44,207 --> 00:23:48,439
Without those 300 people
this hospital wouldn't function!

350
00:23:48,607 --> 00:23:50,643
And it's functioning now?

351
00:23:50,807 --> 00:23:55,005
Minister, it's one of the best-run
hospitals in the country.

352
00:23:55,167 --> 00:23:57,965
It's up for a Florence Nightingale Award.

353
00:23:58,127 --> 00:24:02,757
- What, pray, is that?
- "The Most Hygienic Hospital".

354
00:24:03,327 --> 00:24:06,763
I've said my last word. 300 staff must go.

355
00:24:06,927 --> 00:24:12,684
- 300 jobs lost?!
- Surgery with a skeleton staff?!

356
00:24:12,847 --> 00:24:17,796
Don't do any surgery. Do varicose
veins, piles... Do something!

357
00:24:17,967 --> 00:24:21,721
- You mean 300 jobs lost?!
- Yes, I do.

358
00:24:21,887 --> 00:24:25,596
A hospital is a place for healing of the sick!

359
00:24:25,767 --> 00:24:30,045
It's employment for my members,
and you want to sack them.

360
00:24:30,207 --> 00:24:32,801
Is that your compassionate society?

361
00:24:32,967 --> 00:24:35,959
Compassionate to patients
rather than your members!

362
00:24:36,127 --> 00:24:38,721
We'll come out on strike.

363
00:24:39,487 --> 00:24:41,762
Very well, do that.

364
00:24:41,927 --> 00:24:46,478
Who can it harm? Do, please!
Strike, the sooner the better!

365
00:24:46,647 --> 00:24:51,960
Take the administrators with you.
Then we shan't have to pay you.

366
00:25:01,647 --> 00:25:05,879
- How about a drink before home?
- Yes. Thank you, Minister.

367
00:25:06,047 --> 00:25:10,325
- That went well at the hospital.
- Yes, Minister.

368
00:25:10,487 --> 00:25:13,843
- I wasn't standing any argument.
- No, Minister.

369
00:25:14,007 --> 00:25:18,364
Threatening to strike!
Played right into my hands. Cheers!

370
00:25:18,527 --> 00:25:21,325
Aren't we missing the news?

371
00:25:22,607 --> 00:25:28,523
<i>0ur diplomatic correspondent</i>
<i>says the US is pressuring the UK</i>

372
00:25:28,687 --> 00:25:31,076
<i>to take Cuban refugees.</i>

373
00:25:31,247 --> 00:25:33,522
<i>The Government has made no comment.</i>

374
00:25:33,687 --> 00:25:35,564
Got no money.

375
00:25:35,727 --> 00:25:42,360
<i>All workers in London hospitals</i>
<i>are to go on strike at Friday midnight.</i>

376
00:25:43,087 --> 00:25:45,647
Right... What?!

377
00:25:45,807 --> 00:25:48,401
<i>A row has blown up at St Edwards</i>

378
00:25:48,567 --> 00:25:52,924
<i>over the proposed laying-off</i>
<i>of 170 ancillary workers.</i>

379
00:25:53,087 --> 00:25:55,555
<i>We spoke to activist Billy Fraser.</i>

380
00:25:55,727 --> 00:25:58,719
<i>We're striking against unemployment.</i>

381
00:25:58,887 --> 00:26:02,243
<i>We can bring London's hospitals</i>
<i>to a complete standstill.</i>

382
00:26:02,887 --> 00:26:07,563
<i>There'll be no blood transfusions,</i>
<i>no cancer treatment, nothingl</i>

383
00:26:07,727 --> 00:26:10,639
<i>Till we have the compassionate society.</i>

384
00:26:10,807 --> 00:26:15,881
- <i>How can you do this to patients?</i>
- <i>It's Mr Hacker that's doing it.</i>

385
00:26:16,047 --> 00:26:20,359
<i>But you're inflicting terrible</i>
<i>sanctions on the innocent public.</i>

386
00:26:20,527 --> 00:26:25,726
<i>I'd like to take this opportunity</i>
<i>to assure the general public,</i>

387
00:26:25,887 --> 00:26:30,278
<i>every stone will be left unturned</i>
<i>in a search for a settlement.</i>

388
00:26:32,567 --> 00:26:36,765
Have you seen the news?
You said you'd talk to the unions!

389
00:26:36,927 --> 00:26:41,205
- What are we going to do?
- We have a more serious problem.

390
00:26:41,367 --> 00:26:44,598
Sir Maurice's independent enquiry
about the department.

391
00:26:44,767 --> 00:26:46,883
It's unfavourable to us.

392
00:26:47,047 --> 00:26:49,117
You said he was sound!

393
00:26:49,287 --> 00:26:53,326
I know, but he's also working as chairman

394
00:26:53,487 --> 00:26:56,126
of the Refugee Resettlement Committee.

395
00:26:56,287 --> 00:27:00,599
There are more Brownie points
for refugees than enquiries!

396
00:27:00,767 --> 00:27:02,485
Precisely, Minister.

397
00:27:02,647 --> 00:27:05,605
We've no money to re-house the refugees.

398
00:27:06,127 --> 00:27:08,687
- Minister?
- I don't want to talk!

399
00:27:08,847 --> 00:27:10,997
It's Number 10...

400
00:27:14,967 --> 00:27:16,400
Hello, Ji...

401
00:27:16,567 --> 00:27:18,159
Yes. Quite.

402
00:27:18,327 --> 00:27:19,646
I see.

403
00:27:19,807 --> 00:27:22,037
Not at all. Thank you.

404
00:27:22,607 --> 00:27:24,996
They've seen Fraser on the news.

405
00:27:25,167 --> 00:27:28,000
They want a peace formula soon!

406
00:27:28,167 --> 00:27:34,800
Sir Maurice says he'll be satisfied
only if the UK will house 1,000 refugees.

407
00:27:34,967 --> 00:27:39,483
But we haven't the money.
Or for 1,000 hospital beds...

408
00:27:40,567 --> 00:27:44,242
- How many refugees?
- 1,000.

409
00:27:44,407 --> 00:27:47,479
1,000 refugees? 1,000 beds!

410
00:27:47,647 --> 00:27:53,085
Minister, that hospital is
for sick British not healthy foreigners!

411
00:27:53,247 --> 00:27:56,637
- There's a huge waiting list.
- Didn't you just say

412
00:27:56,807 --> 00:28:00,686
Sir Maurice's enquiry was likely
to come down against us?

413
00:28:00,847 --> 00:28:03,919
- That's a...
- That what you want?

414
00:28:05,287 --> 00:28:07,801
I see your point, Minister.

415
00:28:07,967 --> 00:28:12,483
Bernard, reinstate all the workers
at St Edward's.

416
00:28:12,647 --> 00:28:15,957
Tell Sir Maurice we can offer a new hospital,

417
00:28:16,127 --> 00:28:18,721
with accommodation for 1,000 refugees.

418
00:28:18,887 --> 00:28:22,926
Tell the press it was my decision
and that everybody's happy.

419
00:28:23,087 --> 00:28:27,126
- Do want to give a quote, Minister?
- Why not? Say...

420
00:28:27,287 --> 00:28:31,838
"It was a tough decision, but a necessary one.

421
00:28:33,927 --> 00:28:37,966
"If Britain is to retain the name of..."

422
00:28:38,127 --> 00:28:41,802
- "The compassionate society"?
- Thank you.

423
00:28:41,967 --> 00:28:44,720
"...the compassionate society."
Got that?

424
00:28:44,887 --> 00:28:47,321
Yes, Minister.

425
00:30:14,647 --> 00:30:17,036
We can't economise in accommodation?

426
00:30:17,207 --> 00:30:19,323
(WOMAN) 'Fraid not, Minister.

427
00:30:19,487 --> 00:30:23,639
- Data-processing equipment?
- Not possible.

428
00:30:23,807 --> 00:30:28,198
- The further education budget?
- Sadly, it can't be.

429
00:30:29,487 --> 00:30:32,957
At least the universities won't cost us as much,

430
00:30:33,127 --> 00:30:37,006
with overseas students paying fees
covering education costs.

431
00:30:37,167 --> 00:30:41,922
- Unless you make exceptions...?
- No, sorry, no exceptions.

432
00:30:42,087 --> 00:30:43,998
At least, that's one saving.

433
00:30:44,167 --> 00:30:47,842
- Minister, it's...
- Yes, of course.

434
00:30:48,007 --> 00:30:50,601
That's all, I'm afraid. Meeting over.

435
00:30:50,767 --> 00:30:53,122
- Thank you
- Thank you.

436
00:30:53,287 --> 00:30:55,198
Before Sir Humphrey comes,

437
00:30:55,367 --> 00:31:00,077
Number 10 asked you to approve
recommendations for the honours list.

438
00:31:00,247 --> 00:31:02,681
That's the eighth time you've asked.

439
00:31:02,847 --> 00:31:06,078
Are honours the most serious
concern of this department?

440
00:31:06,247 --> 00:31:10,957
They are to the people on the list.
Some haven't slept for days!

441
00:31:11,127 --> 00:31:15,359
What are they worried about?
Ministers never veto honours.

442
00:31:15,527 --> 00:31:19,122
It's possible.
They're worried about the delay.

443
00:31:19,287 --> 00:31:23,280
How do people know they're listed?
It's marked "Strictly Confidential".

444
00:31:23,447 --> 00:31:25,199
Oh, Minister...

445
00:31:27,047 --> 00:31:28,605
Silly of me.

446
00:31:28,767 --> 00:31:32,726
If they'd put some of that effort
into cutting expenditure...

447
00:31:32,887 --> 00:31:36,004
How can I make people want economies

448
00:31:36,167 --> 00:31:39,762
in the same way they want OBEs and KCBs?

449
00:31:39,927 --> 00:31:43,442
I've been thinking... No, no, no.

450
00:31:43,607 --> 00:31:46,246
- What?
- No, no, nothing...

451
00:31:46,967 --> 00:31:48,366
Spit it out.

452
00:31:48,887 --> 00:31:53,483
It's not my place, and I couldn't
possibly recommend it...

453
00:31:53,647 --> 00:31:57,765
Suppose you were to refuse
to recommend any honours

454
00:31:57,927 --> 00:32:02,921
for civil servants who hadn't cut
their budgets by 5%...?

455
00:32:03,967 --> 00:32:06,925
- Bernard!
- Sorry, Minister...

456
00:32:07,087 --> 00:32:10,204
No, Bernard! It's brilliant!

457
00:32:11,607 --> 00:32:16,123
It's the answer. It's the only hold
we have over the civil servants.

458
00:32:16,287 --> 00:32:19,757
I can't stop their pay rises or their promotions.

459
00:32:19,927 --> 00:32:24,443
I don't even write their reports,
but I can withhold their honours!

460
00:32:24,607 --> 00:32:27,883
- Well done.
- You thought of it, Minister.

461
00:32:28,047 --> 00:32:32,279
- No, no, you thought of it.
- No, you thought of it.

462
00:32:33,247 --> 00:32:35,636
Please!

463
00:32:38,047 --> 00:32:42,086
Just a touch, please. Thank you very much.

464
00:32:42,247 --> 00:32:46,160
Splendid dinner. I always enjoy my visits here.

465
00:32:46,327 --> 00:32:49,558
I'm afraid this could be your last.

466
00:32:49,727 --> 00:32:53,515
Why? Did I pass the port the wrong way?

467
00:32:53,687 --> 00:32:57,521
- Tell him, Bursar.
- The college's going to the wall.

468
00:32:57,687 --> 00:33:03,125
It's your new policy of charging
overseas students full rates.

469
00:33:03,287 --> 00:33:05,596
Other Oxford colleges can cope,

470
00:33:05,767 --> 00:33:10,522
but we've always had many
overseas students here at Baillie.

471
00:33:10,687 --> 00:33:14,236
You simply charge them a full fee, no problem.

472
00:33:14,407 --> 00:33:18,320
Unless they can't pay �4,000 a year.
They won't come.

473
00:33:18,487 --> 00:33:24,801
I've been all over the USA, selling
them the idea of an Oxford education.

474
00:33:24,967 --> 00:33:27,879
Africa is crawling with British professors

475
00:33:28,047 --> 00:33:32,677
frantically trying to flog
sociology courses to the natives.

476
00:33:32,847 --> 00:33:37,079
And India and the Middle East.
Competition is cut-throat.

477
00:33:37,247 --> 00:33:41,559
Why not fill up vacancies
with British undergraduates?

478
00:33:41,727 --> 00:33:44,878
I don't think that's awfully funny, Humphrey.

479
00:33:46,007 --> 00:33:51,035
- I wasn't trying to be funny.
- Anything but home students!

480
00:33:51,207 --> 00:33:56,565
- Why?
- We only get 500 a head for them.

481
00:33:56,727 --> 00:34:01,482
We'd have to take 400
to replace a mere 50 foreigners.

482
00:34:01,647 --> 00:34:06,118
The staff/student ratio would go from 1:10 to 1:34.

483
00:34:06,287 --> 00:34:11,566
We'd have classrooms, dormitories...
like Wormwood Scrubs!

484
00:34:12,367 --> 00:34:15,120
Or the University of Sussex!

485
00:34:18,047 --> 00:34:23,246
The Master thinks the pictures
may fetch �20-30,000.

486
00:34:23,407 --> 00:34:25,716
The pictures and silver together

487
00:34:25,887 --> 00:34:29,277
might just pay the mortgage interest.

488
00:34:29,447 --> 00:34:32,041
Dear, oh, dear!

489
00:34:32,207 --> 00:34:36,723
Or we could get the Government
to treat us as an exception.

490
00:34:36,887 --> 00:34:39,560
Interestingly, Humphrey,

491
00:34:39,727 --> 00:34:44,881
it seems to be your Minister
who has the authority.

492
00:34:48,967 --> 00:34:54,280
How might one persuade a Minister
of the importance of Baillie College?

493
00:34:54,447 --> 00:34:58,565
Why not get him down to a High Table dinner?

494
00:34:58,727 --> 00:35:03,676
Is he of the intellectual calibre
to understand our case?

495
00:35:04,567 --> 00:35:06,797
Oh, yes!

496
00:35:08,607 --> 00:35:10,518
It's intelligible to anyone

497
00:35:10,687 --> 00:35:13,804
with the intellectual calibre of Winnie the Pooh!

498
00:35:13,967 --> 00:35:15,764
Quite!

499
00:35:15,927 --> 00:35:20,921
And Hacker is of the intellectual
calibre of Winnie the Pooh?

500
00:35:22,367 --> 00:35:24,164
Oh, yes!

501
00:35:25,167 --> 00:35:27,078
On his day.

502
00:35:30,327 --> 00:35:32,636
- Morning, Minister.
- Morning, Humphrey.

503
00:35:32,807 --> 00:35:34,604
Two things, Minister.

504
00:35:34,767 --> 00:35:40,205
Firstly, the departmental
recommendations for the honours list.

505
00:35:40,367 --> 00:35:43,564
- The honours list again!
- Yes, Minister.

506
00:35:43,727 --> 00:35:48,323
- Let's leave that for the moment.
- We can't leave it, Minister.

507
00:35:48,487 --> 00:35:51,797
- It's getting near the five weeks.
- Five weeks?

508
00:35:51,967 --> 00:35:54,925
All recipients are notified five weeks before.

509
00:35:55,087 --> 00:35:57,157
It gives them time to refuse.

510
00:35:57,327 --> 00:36:00,922
When did a civil servant last refuse an honour?!

511
00:36:01,087 --> 00:36:03,840
Somebody in the Treasury refused a knighthood.

512
00:36:04,007 --> 00:36:07,443
- When?
- I think it was 1496.

513
00:36:08,087 --> 00:36:11,204
- Why?
- He'd already got one.

514
00:36:11,367 --> 00:36:14,598
- If you've approved the list...
- Humphrey...

515
00:36:14,767 --> 00:36:18,077
...did you know that 20%
of honours go to civil servants?

516
00:36:18,247 --> 00:36:21,045
A fitting tribute to their devotion to duty.

517
00:36:21,207 --> 00:36:23,277
That's what they get paid for.

518
00:36:23,447 --> 00:36:27,326
The rest of us have to do
something special to get an honour.

519
00:36:27,487 --> 00:36:32,356
They work for years with the mentally
handicapped to get an MBE.

520
00:36:32,527 --> 00:36:35,758
Your knighthoods simply come up with the rations.

521
00:36:35,927 --> 00:36:39,761
Minister, her Majesty's
civil servants spend their lives

522
00:36:39,927 --> 00:36:45,365
working for a modest wage
and at the end retire into obscurity.

523
00:36:45,527 --> 00:36:49,486
Honours are a small reward for a lifetime of loyal,

524
00:36:49,647 --> 00:36:54,880
self-effacing discretion
and devoted service to the nation.

525
00:36:55,047 --> 00:36:57,402
- "A modest wage"?
- Alas, yes.

526
00:36:57,567 --> 00:37:00,877
You get over �30,000 a year!

527
00:37:01,047 --> 00:37:05,757
- That's �7,000 more than I get.
- But still relatively modest.

528
00:37:05,927 --> 00:37:08,805
Relative to whom?

529
00:37:08,967 --> 00:37:11,322
Elizabeth Taylor, for example.

530
00:37:12,127 --> 00:37:14,687
You are not relative to Elizabeth Taylor.

531
00:37:15,207 --> 00:37:17,801
There are important differences.

532
00:37:17,967 --> 00:37:21,596
Indeed, yes. She didn't get a first at Oxford.

533
00:37:21,767 --> 00:37:23,803
And retire into obscurity?!

534
00:37:23,967 --> 00:37:29,087
You take a massive pension
and become directors of oil companies.

535
00:37:29,247 --> 00:37:31,283
But very obscure directors.

536
00:37:31,447 --> 00:37:35,759
You're in no danger of the sack.
In industry, you get the boot.

537
00:37:35,927 --> 00:37:39,078
In the civil service,
if you screw up, I get the boot!

538
00:37:39,247 --> 00:37:42,922
- Very droll, Minister. The list...
- No, Humphrey.

539
00:37:43,087 --> 00:37:47,444
I'll not approve any honour
to any civil servant who hasn't earned it.

540
00:37:48,287 --> 00:37:51,643
- What do you mean, "earned it"?
- I mean "earned it".

541
00:37:51,807 --> 00:37:56,642
- Done something to deserve it.
- But that's unheard of!

542
00:37:57,167 --> 00:38:02,195
My new policy is to withhold
all honours from civil servants

543
00:38:02,367 --> 00:38:07,919
who do not make a cut
in their budgets of 5% per year.

544
00:38:09,847 --> 00:38:12,156
Your silence indicates approval?

545
00:38:12,327 --> 00:38:16,286
It does not! Where did you get
that preposterous idea?

546
00:38:17,087 --> 00:38:18,440
It...

547
00:38:21,727 --> 00:38:26,721
...just came to me.
- It's ridiculous! Unheard of!

548
00:38:26,887 --> 00:38:29,447
The whole idea is... It's...

549
00:38:29,607 --> 00:38:32,644
It strikes at the very roots of...

550
00:38:32,807 --> 00:38:35,401
It's the beginning of the end!

551
00:38:35,567 --> 00:38:39,799
The thin end of the wedge! A Bennite solution!

552
00:38:39,967 --> 00:38:42,561
What next? Abolition of the monarchy?

553
00:38:42,727 --> 00:38:44,365
Don't be absurd.

554
00:38:44,527 --> 00:38:47,803
The system has worked so well in the past.

555
00:38:47,967 --> 00:38:49,286
It hasn't.

556
00:38:49,447 --> 00:38:53,679
- Give it a fair trial.
- I thought you might say that...

557
00:38:53,847 --> 00:39:00,605
The Most Noble Order of the Garter
was founded in 1348 by Edward III.

558
00:39:00,767 --> 00:39:03,679
It's at the end of its trial period now.

559
00:39:03,847 --> 00:39:08,602
Minister, if you block honours pending economies,

560
00:39:08,767 --> 00:39:12,237
you might create a dangerous precedent.

561
00:39:12,407 --> 00:39:17,561
If we do the right thing now,
we'll have to do the right thing next time?

562
00:39:17,727 --> 00:39:20,958
- Nothing would get done at all!
- On the contrary.

563
00:39:21,127 --> 00:39:25,325
- Many things must be done, but...
...nothing done for the first time!

564
00:39:25,487 --> 00:39:26,806
No, Minister!

565
00:39:26,967 --> 00:39:32,758
I'm fully seized of your aims,
and I'll try to put them into practice.

566
00:39:32,927 --> 00:39:34,246
To that end,

567
00:39:34,407 --> 00:39:38,559
I recommend we set up a committee
with broad terms of reference,

568
00:39:38,727 --> 00:39:42,561
so we're in a position to think
through the various implications

569
00:39:42,727 --> 00:39:45,878
and decide based on long-term considerations

570
00:39:46,047 --> 00:39:50,120
rather than rush prematurely
into precipitate and ill-conceived actions

571
00:39:50,287 --> 00:39:54,075
which might have unforeseen repercussions.

572
00:39:55,007 --> 00:39:57,646
You mean "no"?

573
00:39:57,807 --> 00:40:02,642
I mean, as far as one can see,
in the fullness of time...

574
00:40:02,807 --> 00:40:05,480
No, no, no, Humphrey.

575
00:40:05,647 --> 00:40:07,797
You know me: Action now!

576
00:40:07,967 --> 00:40:10,561
(MUTTERS) Action now.

577
00:40:10,727 --> 00:40:13,719
Nobody in their right mind can want honours.

578
00:40:13,887 --> 00:40:17,004
They encourage sycophancy, snobbery, jealousy,

579
00:40:17,167 --> 00:40:20,204
and civil servants shouldn't get them all!

580
00:40:20,367 --> 00:40:24,804
- But Minister...
- No, no! I'm sorry. I have decided.

581
00:40:24,967 --> 00:40:27,800
- Your other point?
- Other point?

582
00:40:27,967 --> 00:40:30,800
- You had two.
- Did I?

583
00:40:30,967 --> 00:40:34,562
Yes, I'm sorry. The shock!

584
00:40:35,247 --> 00:40:40,924
Yesterday, I had representations
from Baillie College, Oxford.

585
00:40:41,087 --> 00:40:46,559
Grants for overseas students...
They'll lose millions a year.

586
00:40:46,727 --> 00:40:49,878
They must just take more British students.

587
00:40:50,047 --> 00:40:53,801
Nothing would please them more, but you see...

588
00:40:53,967 --> 00:40:56,845
...Baillie has many foreign students,

589
00:40:57,007 --> 00:40:59,077
and there could be repercussions

590
00:40:59,247 --> 00:41:02,717
at the schools of tropical medicine,
international law,

591
00:41:02,887 --> 00:41:06,004
and the Arabic department
may have to close down.

592
00:41:06,167 --> 00:41:09,762
We can't educate foreigners
at the taxpayer's expense.

593
00:41:09,927 --> 00:41:11,679
Not just foreigners.

594
00:41:11,847 --> 00:41:17,285
If the diplomatic service had nowhere
to immerse its recruits,

595
00:41:17,447 --> 00:41:22,282
the results could be catastrophic,
with a pro-Israeli Foreign Office!

596
00:41:23,047 --> 00:41:25,607
What would happen to our oil policy?

597
00:41:25,767 --> 00:41:28,486
Its recruits must go elsewhere.

598
00:41:28,647 --> 00:41:31,081
Where else would they learn Arabic?

599
00:41:31,247 --> 00:41:33,283
Arabia?

600
00:41:33,447 --> 00:41:36,120
Baillie College has an outstanding record.

601
00:41:36,287 --> 00:41:39,836
- It's filled our jails for years.
- Jails?

602
00:41:40,007 --> 00:41:43,841
Yes. The letters "JB" are the finest
honour in the Commonwealth.

603
00:41:44,007 --> 00:41:47,602
- "JB"?
- "Jailed by the British".

604
00:41:47,767 --> 00:41:50,679
Gandhi, Nkrumah, Makarios,

605
00:41:50,847 --> 00:41:54,840
Ben-Gurion, Kenyatta, Nehru, Mugabe.

606
00:41:55,007 --> 00:42:00,081
The list of leaders is endless
and contains several of our students.

607
00:42:00,247 --> 00:42:02,203
"Our students"?

608
00:42:02,367 --> 00:42:06,406
Humphrey... which college did you go to?

609
00:42:06,567 --> 00:42:08,956
That is quite beside the point.

610
00:42:09,127 --> 00:42:12,119
I like being beside the point.

611
00:42:12,287 --> 00:42:15,802
Humour me, Humphrey.
Which college did you go to?

612
00:42:15,967 --> 00:42:19,676
Was it Baillie, by any strange coincidence?

613
00:42:19,847 --> 00:42:25,399
It so happens... I am a Baillie man,
but that has nothing to do with it!

614
00:42:25,567 --> 00:42:27,398
No, of course not.

615
00:42:27,567 --> 00:42:29,797
Perish the thought. Naughty.

616
00:42:30,767 --> 00:42:32,962
Yes? The division, Minister.

617
00:42:33,127 --> 00:42:36,437
That rather settles it. No more time.

618
00:42:36,607 --> 00:42:39,075
Am I voting "aye" or "no"?

619
00:42:39,247 --> 00:42:42,523
- "No". It's a...
- I don't want to know what it is.

620
00:42:42,687 --> 00:42:46,680
I don't want to go through the wrong door.

621
00:42:49,047 --> 00:42:50,958
(KNOCK AT DOOR)

622
00:42:54,927 --> 00:42:56,246
Arnold?

623
00:42:56,407 --> 00:42:59,001
Humphrey! Do sit down.

624
00:43:00,247 --> 00:43:03,205
Hope you don't mind my dragging you here.

625
00:43:03,367 --> 00:43:07,997
- No, please.
- I was worried about your Minister.

626
00:43:08,647 --> 00:43:11,480
Linking honours to economies.

627
00:43:11,647 --> 00:43:14,161
That? A lot of nonsense.

628
00:43:14,327 --> 00:43:17,717
Good. You mean it's not true?

629
00:43:18,887 --> 00:43:24,166
Not exactly. That is, he did just mention it.

630
00:43:24,847 --> 00:43:28,442
- But...
- But what?

631
00:43:28,607 --> 00:43:32,839
I can't find any effective arguments against it.

632
00:43:33,047 --> 00:43:35,800
- It's the thin end of the wedge.
- That's what I said.

633
00:43:35,967 --> 00:43:38,800
- A Bennite solution.
- I said that.

634
00:43:38,967 --> 00:43:41,527
- Where will it end?
- That's what I said.

635
00:43:42,167 --> 00:43:45,716
No, it's intolerable, but...

636
00:43:47,287 --> 00:43:48,959
...irresistible.

637
00:43:49,127 --> 00:43:53,405
I'm not reprimanding you,
I don't know the facts well enough.

638
00:43:53,567 --> 00:43:57,958
I'd like your assurance
that he won't be putting it into practice.

639
00:43:58,127 --> 00:44:00,197
I certainly hope he won't.

640
00:44:00,367 --> 00:44:03,484
I'm not sure that hopes are good enough.

641
00:44:03,647 --> 00:44:08,402
If he applied it to your department,
the contagion would spread!

642
00:44:08,567 --> 00:44:10,285
Every department!

643
00:44:11,087 --> 00:44:16,480
- Presumably, we can count on you?
- I shall certainly try.

644
00:44:18,807 --> 00:44:23,517
- But... it's rather tricky.
- You know what you're doing.

645
00:44:23,687 --> 00:44:28,477
This could cause people
to reflect on your soundness.

646
00:44:28,647 --> 00:44:31,605
I've no doubts about you myself, but...

647
00:44:31,767 --> 00:44:36,283
- I thought a chat would be useful.
- Absolutely. Thank you.

648
00:44:36,447 --> 00:44:40,645
By the way, I had our college
master on the phone.

649
00:44:40,807 --> 00:44:43,799
- He said you dined at Baillie.
- Right!

650
00:44:44,367 --> 00:44:49,077
I assured them your Minister would
treat them as a special case.

651
00:44:50,967 --> 00:44:53,561
Yes... Yes...

652
00:44:53,727 --> 00:44:57,686
I've got the Minister coming
to a benefactors' dinner.

653
00:44:57,847 --> 00:45:00,202
Good. Sound man.

654
00:45:00,367 --> 00:45:05,122
I must be getting over to Number 10.
Thanks for dropping in.

655
00:45:05,287 --> 00:45:06,606
Pleasure...

656
00:45:07,447 --> 00:45:09,358
...Arnold.

657
00:45:15,527 --> 00:45:20,282
Sir Humphrey saw the Cabinet Secretary
and got the most frightful wigging.

658
00:45:20,447 --> 00:45:25,362
Really tore him off a strip because
of your economies-honours scheme.

659
00:45:25,527 --> 00:45:29,805
- Your scheme.
- We've been through all that.

660
00:45:29,967 --> 00:45:32,356
Sorry. My scheme.

661
00:45:33,327 --> 00:45:36,000
Why wig someone as high up as Humphrey?

662
00:45:36,167 --> 00:45:39,842
Normally, it's civilised,
but this time it was no-holds-barred.

663
00:45:40,007 --> 00:45:43,556
Sir Arnold said he wasn't
actually reprimanding him.

664
00:45:43,727 --> 00:45:46,525
- Bad as that, was it?
- Yes.

665
00:45:46,687 --> 00:45:51,556
He suggested some people
might not think he was sound.

666
00:45:51,727 --> 00:45:54,082
- A real punch-up!
- Indeed.

667
00:45:54,247 --> 00:45:58,684
What has Sir Arnold to fear?
He has all the honours he could want.

668
00:45:58,847 --> 00:46:01,281
- He has his "G".
- "G"?

669
00:46:01,447 --> 00:46:05,281
- You get your "G" after your "K".
- You speak in riddles.

670
00:46:05,447 --> 00:46:09,679
First you get the CMG,
then the KCMG and the GCMG,

671
00:46:09,847 --> 00:46:13,362
the Command of the Order
of St Michael and St George,

672
00:46:13,527 --> 00:46:15,802
Knight Grand Cross of St George.

673
00:46:15,967 --> 00:46:20,404
In the service, CMG stands for "Call Me God".

674
00:46:20,567 --> 00:46:24,355
And KCMG for "Kindly Call Me God".

675
00:46:25,807 --> 00:46:27,445
And GCMG?

676
00:46:27,607 --> 00:46:30,599
"God Calls Me God".

677
00:46:31,607 --> 00:46:35,680
Why should Sir Arnold worry?
He has his full quota of honours.

678
00:46:35,847 --> 00:46:37,166
Nowhere near!

679
00:46:37,327 --> 00:46:40,717
There's a peerage, the CH,
the OM, the Knight of the Thistle...

680
00:46:40,887 --> 00:46:43,162
Knight of the Thistle? Who for?

681
00:46:43,327 --> 00:46:47,764
- Scotsmen and donkeys?!
- There's a distinction.

682
00:46:47,927 --> 00:46:51,363
You haven't met the Scottish Nationalists!

683
00:46:51,527 --> 00:46:56,521
- How do they award the Thistle?
- A committee sits on it.

684
00:46:59,847 --> 00:47:04,363
Does Humphrey think I'll change university policy

685
00:47:04,527 --> 00:47:06,438
over High Table dinner?

686
00:47:06,607 --> 00:47:10,600
I believe Baillie College give
a very good dinner, Minister.

687
00:47:11,287 --> 00:47:16,042
- How much further?
- A few minutes. The M40's good.

688
00:47:17,927 --> 00:47:20,521
So's the M4...

689
00:47:20,687 --> 00:47:24,236
Why did we get two really good roads to Oxford

690
00:47:24,407 --> 00:47:30,243
before any to Southampton
or Dover or any of the ports?

691
00:47:30,407 --> 00:47:34,446
Nearly all our Permanent Secretaries
went to Oxford, Minister,

692
00:47:34,607 --> 00:47:39,283
and most Oxford colleges give very good dinners.

693
00:47:39,447 --> 00:47:42,405
- The Cabinet allow that?
- Certainly not.

694
00:47:42,567 --> 00:47:45,957
They said no motorway to take
civil servants to Oxford,

695
00:47:46,127 --> 00:47:49,676
unless there was one to take
Ministers hunting in the shires.

696
00:47:49,847 --> 00:47:53,965
That's why the M1 stopped in Leicestershire!

697
00:47:54,127 --> 00:47:56,687
Oh, come!

698
00:47:59,127 --> 00:48:02,403
What about the M11 just completed?

699
00:48:02,567 --> 00:48:05,081
Doesn't Cambridge give as good dinners?

700
00:48:05,247 --> 00:48:07,807
Yes, of course, but it's been years

701
00:48:07,967 --> 00:48:12,722
since Transport had a Permanent
Secretary from Cambridge.

702
00:48:14,647 --> 00:48:16,365
(CHATTER)

703
00:48:26,087 --> 00:48:30,160
For a college on the edge
of bankruptcy, not a bad dinner!

704
00:48:30,327 --> 00:48:33,683
The Fitzwalter Dinner is paid for by endowment,

705
00:48:33,847 --> 00:48:36,645
a great 16th-century benefactor.

706
00:48:36,807 --> 00:48:41,835
Most nights we eat Mother's Pride
and processed cheese.

707
00:48:42,007 --> 00:48:45,363
You need a 20th-century benefactor.

708
00:48:45,527 --> 00:48:49,964
- Interesting you should say that.
- Why?

709
00:48:50,127 --> 00:48:52,482
Benefactors are few and far between.

710
00:48:52,647 --> 00:48:57,323
Isaac Wolfson is only the second man
to have a college named after him

711
00:48:57,487 --> 00:49:00,047
- at Oxford and Cambridge.
- Who's the first?

712
00:49:00,207 --> 00:49:02,084
Jesus.

713
00:49:02,247 --> 00:49:05,159
- Jesus?
- Jesus... Christ.

714
00:49:07,847 --> 00:49:10,486
Some of our most revered benefactors are men

715
00:49:10,647 --> 00:49:14,162
who saved the college
from the depredations of Government.

716
00:49:14,327 --> 00:49:17,842
Their names are remembered
and hallowed for centuries.

717
00:49:18,007 --> 00:49:21,602
- It's a sort of immortality.
- Really?

718
00:49:21,767 --> 00:49:24,520
What did these benefactors do?

719
00:49:24,687 --> 00:49:29,317
Take Sir William de Vere, his coat
of arms are there and in chapel.

720
00:49:29,487 --> 00:49:33,958
He diverted the baronial army
away from Baillie in the 15th century.

721
00:49:34,127 --> 00:49:38,086
He had the soldiers billetted
at St George's College.

722
00:49:38,247 --> 00:49:43,719
- I didn't know there was a St George's.
- There isn't. Not since that.

723
00:49:43,887 --> 00:49:49,120
Then, there's George Monkton,
whom Monkton Quad's named after.

724
00:49:49,287 --> 00:49:53,485
He stopped Cromwell melting
all the college silver down

725
00:49:53,647 --> 00:49:55,399
to pay for his army.

726
00:49:55,607 --> 00:50:00,476
He told them the silver was better
quality at Trinity, Cambridge!

727
00:50:01,447 --> 00:50:05,838
Now, it looks like there'll be
no college left to remember.

728
00:50:06,007 --> 00:50:11,718
Unless we can solve
the problem of overseas students.

729
00:50:11,887 --> 00:50:13,479
(MURMURS OF AGREEMENT)

730
00:50:13,647 --> 00:50:17,242
Well, of course, one would like to...

731
00:50:17,407 --> 00:50:18,965
...help oneself.

732
00:50:19,127 --> 00:50:22,085
Er... help one's friends.

733
00:50:22,247 --> 00:50:24,715
Help the college.

734
00:50:24,887 --> 00:50:28,721
- Nothing to do with the honour.
- Of course not! Ignoble thought.

735
00:50:28,887 --> 00:50:32,880
The Minister believes
it's a politician's duty to help others.

736
00:50:33,047 --> 00:50:35,686
(SLURRING)
Absolutely. Name of the game.

737
00:50:35,847 --> 00:50:39,760
That's why we go into politics, to help others.

738
00:50:40,847 --> 00:50:43,998
I'm an idealist, nothing to do with the honour.

739
00:50:44,167 --> 00:50:47,557
Most of the honour comes after you're dead.

740
00:50:47,727 --> 00:50:51,640
Not much satisfaction from having
your name on the silver sconce

741
00:50:51,807 --> 00:50:54,879
when you're six feet under!

742
00:50:57,207 --> 00:51:01,678
Incidentally, Master,
to change the subject completely...

743
00:51:03,967 --> 00:51:07,039
...when do you award
your honorary doctorates?

744
00:51:07,207 --> 00:51:11,439
The ceremony's not for a few months,
but we have to decide in two weeks.

745
00:51:11,607 --> 00:51:14,326
- Doctorate?
- Aren't they decided?

746
00:51:14,487 --> 00:51:17,638
There is one Doctorate of Law still to be decided.

747
00:51:17,807 --> 00:51:22,517
We're wondering whether it should go
to a judge or someone in Government.

748
00:51:22,687 --> 00:51:25,155
(SLURS) Judge?!

749
00:51:26,887 --> 00:51:31,005
You don't want to make a judge a Doctor of Law!

750
00:51:31,167 --> 00:51:34,955
The politicians make the laws and pass the laws.

751
00:51:35,127 --> 00:51:39,359
If it wasn't for politicians,
the judges wouldn't be able to judge.

752
00:51:39,527 --> 00:51:42,564
There'd be no laws to judge!

753
00:51:42,727 --> 00:51:44,604
- Yes, indeed.
- Quite!

754
00:51:44,767 --> 00:51:48,442
They'd have nothing to do.
Queues of unemployed judges...

755
00:51:48,607 --> 00:51:51,326
...in silly wigs!

756
00:51:53,407 --> 00:51:55,477
It's all right for judges.

757
00:51:55,647 --> 00:52:00,437
They don't have to suck up
to TV producers, lie to journalists.

758
00:52:00,607 --> 00:52:04,395
They don't have to pretend
to like their Cabinet colleagues.

759
00:52:04,567 --> 00:52:06,683
I'll tell you something else...

760
00:52:07,327 --> 00:52:11,957
...if judges had to put up
with some of my colleagues,

761
00:52:12,127 --> 00:52:15,836
they'd bring capital punishment back tomorrow!

762
00:52:16,727 --> 00:52:18,365
Bloody good job, too!

763
00:52:18,527 --> 00:52:20,961
I'll tell you another thing...

764
00:52:21,127 --> 00:52:25,006
...I can't send him to prison.

765
00:52:26,087 --> 00:52:28,282
Can't send him to prison.

766
00:52:28,447 --> 00:52:33,760
If I were a judge, I could whiz
old Humpy off to the Scrubs.

767
00:52:34,367 --> 00:52:37,643
Feet wouldn't touch. Clang bang!
See you in three years.

768
00:52:37,807 --> 00:52:43,120
One third remission for good conduct.
I can't do that!

769
00:52:44,407 --> 00:52:46,523
I have to listen to him.

770
00:52:46,687 --> 00:52:49,406
Oh, God!

771
00:52:50,127 --> 00:52:53,005
On and on and on!

772
00:52:53,167 --> 00:52:57,957
Some of his sentences
are longer than Judge Jeffreys'!

773
00:52:58,127 --> 00:53:01,802
No, no, no. Politicians are much more deserving.

774
00:53:01,967 --> 00:53:05,277
You don't want to give
your doctory honourates to judges.

775
00:53:05,447 --> 00:53:07,677
Definitely not!

776
00:53:07,847 --> 00:53:10,964
Beautifully argued, Minister.

777
00:53:11,127 --> 00:53:15,166
I see now... we shouldn't give it to a judge.

778
00:53:15,607 --> 00:53:19,839
- You put the case most expertly.
- Almost like a Doctor of Law.

779
00:53:20,007 --> 00:53:23,556
I can see you there now in the Sheldonian,

780
00:53:23,727 --> 00:53:26,764
standing there in those magnificent crimson robes,

781
00:53:26,927 --> 00:53:31,796
receiving your doctorate in front
of an assembly of eminent scholars.

782
00:53:31,967 --> 00:53:34,481
(HUMPHREY) Wonderful.
(MASTER) Marvellous.

783
00:53:34,647 --> 00:53:37,719
How funny you should say that.

784
00:53:37,887 --> 00:53:41,402
I was just thinking the same thing.

785
00:53:46,767 --> 00:53:49,327
Morning, Minister. Morning, Bernard.

786
00:53:50,527 --> 00:53:53,678
Most enjoyable dinner last night.

787
00:53:53,847 --> 00:53:59,126
I wonder if we could have
a private chat. Forgive us, Bernard.

788
00:53:59,287 --> 00:54:02,165
Minister...

789
00:54:02,327 --> 00:54:05,956
...the master of Baillie has asked me to enquire

790
00:54:06,127 --> 00:54:10,120
whether you'd accept an honorary doctorate of law.

791
00:54:10,927 --> 00:54:12,645
Me? Good heavens!

792
00:54:12,807 --> 00:54:15,844
- It's... not an offer.
- No, of course not.

793
00:54:16,007 --> 00:54:20,159
Of course, in view of your
well-known hostility to honours...

794
00:54:20,327 --> 00:54:23,478
Don't be silly. This is quite different.

795
00:54:23,647 --> 00:54:25,558
Not entirely, Minister.

796
00:54:25,727 --> 00:54:30,721
It's a matter of accepting it
without doing anything to deserve it,

797
00:54:30,887 --> 00:54:35,278
as you might put it
in your refreshingly blunt fashion.

798
00:54:35,447 --> 00:54:38,041
I'm a Cabinet Minister!

799
00:54:38,207 --> 00:54:41,995
- Isn't that what you're paid for?
- Yes, but... No!

800
00:54:42,687 --> 00:54:44,200
Yes, but...

801
00:54:44,367 --> 00:54:49,282
I can't refuse a vote of confidence
in the Government, not just oneself.

802
00:54:49,447 --> 00:54:53,759
No, quite. As I say, it's not certain, it's...

803
00:54:56,407 --> 00:54:59,319
(HUMPHREY HUMS TO HIMSELF)

804
00:54:59,487 --> 00:55:02,285
Humphrey, to change the subject completely,

805
00:55:02,447 --> 00:55:06,998
I'd like to do what I can for Baillie
in this overseas students business.

806
00:55:07,167 --> 00:55:08,759
Oh, good!

807
00:55:08,927 --> 00:55:12,363
But wouldn't I need a pretext... a reason?

808
00:55:12,527 --> 00:55:14,438
No, Minister, no problem.

809
00:55:14,607 --> 00:55:18,566
The Palace has been under pressure
from certain African leaders.

810
00:55:18,727 --> 00:55:20,797
We can't embarrass the Palace,

811
00:55:20,967 --> 00:55:25,358
so we'll redesignate Baillie
as a Commonwealth Education Centre.

812
00:55:26,367 --> 00:55:33,079
But where am I to find the money?
I'm set on 5% cuts across the board.

813
00:55:33,247 --> 00:55:36,398
If that's achieved, anything's possible.

814
00:55:36,567 --> 00:55:40,276
- The committee are waiting.
- Very well, show them in.

815
00:55:40,447 --> 00:55:44,998
I suppose we could achieve the cuts
in this department,

816
00:55:45,167 --> 00:55:50,321
if the absurd idea of linking
honours to cuts were to be shelved.

817
00:55:52,407 --> 00:55:54,921
- I see.
- Yes...

818
00:55:57,407 --> 00:56:01,002
(HUMPHREY) Thank you, Bernard.
(HACKER) Morning.

819
00:56:01,167 --> 00:56:04,876
Now, minutes of the previous meeting?

820
00:56:05,047 --> 00:56:07,959
Matters arising: Accommodation.

821
00:56:08,127 --> 00:56:09,765
Oh, yes!

822
00:56:09,927 --> 00:56:15,320
I'm happy to be able to tell you
that we have found a 5% cut,

823
00:56:15,487 --> 00:56:17,876
by selling an office in High Wycombe.

824
00:56:18,047 --> 00:56:19,878
- Oh, really?
- Yes.

825
00:56:20,047 --> 00:56:22,083
- Yes, very good.
- Yes.

826
00:56:22,247 --> 00:56:23,646
Stationery acquisition?

827
00:56:23,807 --> 00:56:28,562
We've discovered a new stock control
system to reduce expenditure.

828
00:56:28,727 --> 00:56:33,118
- By how much?
- About 5%, wasn't it?

829
00:56:33,767 --> 00:56:36,565
Excellent! Parks and Forestry?

830
00:56:36,727 --> 00:56:40,766
If we delay the new computers,
we can make a saving.

831
00:56:40,927 --> 00:56:42,804
- By how much?
- Yes...?

832
00:56:42,967 --> 00:56:45,435
- About 5%.
- Yes, about 5%.

833
00:56:45,607 --> 00:56:48,997
- Really?
- That cuts data processing, too.

834
00:56:49,167 --> 00:56:51,761
- By...?
- By...

835
00:56:51,927 --> 00:56:54,316
By about 5%.

836
00:56:54,487 --> 00:56:57,047
- This is most satisfying.
- Yes.

837
00:56:57,207 --> 00:56:59,880
Incidentally, while I think of it,

838
00:57:00,047 --> 00:57:05,679
have you finished with the list
for the honours secretary?

839
00:57:05,847 --> 00:57:08,680
Yes, Humphrey. No problem there.

840
00:57:08,847 --> 00:57:11,236
Bernard will give it to you.

841
00:57:11,407 --> 00:57:15,116
- Thank you, Bernard.
- All right, Humphrey?

842
00:57:15,287 --> 00:57:18,040
Yes, Doctor... er, Minister.

843
00:58:45,486 --> 00:58:49,320
Minister, there's something
in the press you should see.

844
00:58:49,486 --> 00:58:52,796
- About me?
- I'm afraid it's in Private Eye.

845
00:58:52,966 --> 00:58:58,245
- Private Eye?
- Yes... They're exposing something.

846
00:58:59,126 --> 00:59:02,755
Not that character reference
I gave for Dr Savundra?

847
00:59:02,926 --> 00:59:05,963
- That party at Poulson's?
- I didn't know about those.

848
00:59:06,126 --> 00:59:10,517
No, that's the thing they make up
in that squalid little rag!

849
00:59:10,686 --> 00:59:14,474
- What is it?
- Perhaps you'd better read it.

850
00:59:18,406 --> 00:59:20,920
- Good God!
- Frightful, isn't it?

851
00:59:21,926 --> 00:59:25,157
- May I come in, Minister?
- Listen to this.

852
00:59:25,326 --> 00:59:29,239
What's that? Oh, Private Eye? Splendid!

853
00:59:29,406 --> 00:59:32,637
"The saga of the top secret Guthrie Report,

854
00:59:32,806 --> 00:59:37,118
"revealed to the Eye last week,
continues to embarrass Ministers.

855
00:59:37,286 --> 00:59:41,279
"It seems one of the present Cabinet
subjected to phone-tapping,

856
00:59:41,446 --> 00:59:44,722
"bugging and 24-hour surveillance
while in opposition

857
00:59:44,886 --> 00:59:48,196
"was none other than the egregious Jim Hacker."

858
00:59:48,366 --> 00:59:50,834
What's "egregious" mean?

859
00:59:51,006 --> 00:59:53,964
I think it means "outstanding".

860
00:59:54,126 --> 00:59:55,844
Oh...?

861
00:59:56,846 --> 00:59:59,599
In one way or another.

862
00:59:59,766 --> 01:00:05,318
"...Jim Hacker, whose department
administers 23,000 other administrators.

863
01:00:05,486 --> 01:00:09,195
"Ironically, it is egregious Jim's
department that is now responsible

864
01:00:09,366 --> 01:00:13,678
"for supplying all the government's
computerised bugging equipment.

865
01:00:13,846 --> 01:00:19,239
"Presumably, this makes him
the government's chief bugger."

866
01:00:19,406 --> 01:00:20,725
Wonderful!

867
01:00:20,886 --> 01:00:23,161
- Is this true?
- Which, Minister?

868
01:00:23,326 --> 01:00:27,160
That I was under surveillance
and am now responsible for bugging.

869
01:00:27,326 --> 01:00:31,285
Surely, you don't believe what
you read in that squalid little rag.

870
01:00:31,446 --> 01:00:35,359
- Never mind. Is it true?
- Don't take it too seriously.

871
01:00:35,526 --> 01:00:38,882
Well, I do! This says
I was under total surveillance.

872
01:00:39,046 --> 01:00:43,562
An MP and free citizen!
It cuts at the very heart of democracy!

873
01:00:43,726 --> 01:00:46,365
It contravenes human rights.

874
01:00:46,526 --> 01:00:47,879
Oh, yes...

875
01:00:48,046 --> 01:00:52,358
Surveillance is indispensable
in the battle against organised crime.

876
01:00:52,526 --> 01:00:55,916
You're not describing politicians
as organised crime?

877
01:00:56,086 --> 01:00:58,805
Disorganised crime, too, of course!

878
01:00:58,966 --> 01:01:03,562
Humphrey! I once wrote a leader
on this as editor of "Reform"

879
01:01:03,726 --> 01:01:08,083
and started a nationwide petition
against bureaucratic busybodies,

880
01:01:08,246 --> 01:01:10,043
bugging and phone-tapping.

881
01:01:10,206 --> 01:01:14,438
Now I learn from Private Eye,
Humphrey, not from you,

882
01:01:14,606 --> 01:01:17,837
that I'm responsible for it, and you never told me.

883
01:01:18,006 --> 01:01:20,440
You didn't ask.

884
01:01:20,606 --> 01:01:25,555
Thank God for a free press
and for one open, fearless journal!

885
01:01:25,726 --> 01:01:31,596
- You said it was a squalid rag.
- Sharpen up your antennae.

886
01:01:31,766 --> 01:01:35,554
Learn to adapt more flexibly
to a developing situation.

887
01:01:35,726 --> 01:01:37,682
I see. I'm sorry.

888
01:01:37,846 --> 01:01:41,998
Where are the transcripts
of these bugged conversations?

889
01:01:42,166 --> 01:01:44,760
They were put into a report.

890
01:01:44,926 --> 01:01:47,963
- Who got these reports?
- The Home Secretary gets them.

891
01:01:48,126 --> 01:01:50,686
Gets them? Gets them?

892
01:01:50,846 --> 01:01:54,202
Not about you, Minister. Not now.

893
01:01:54,366 --> 01:01:58,405
Now he'll be getting reports
about Her Majesty's opposition.

894
01:01:59,286 --> 01:02:03,359
- Who gives them to him?
- Ml5, presumably.

895
01:02:03,526 --> 01:02:07,041
- You seem very calm about all this.
- Yes, Minister.

896
01:02:07,206 --> 01:02:11,722
I think it's horrifying, a distinguished citizen -

897
01:02:11,886 --> 01:02:16,004
if I may say so, an extremely
distinguished British citizen -

898
01:02:16,166 --> 01:02:19,158
who's given his life's service to his country,

899
01:02:19,326 --> 01:02:23,160
finds these faceless bureaucrats
have listened to his every word.

900
01:02:23,326 --> 01:02:28,195
All his phone calls.
His rows with his wife and daughter.

901
01:02:28,366 --> 01:02:31,802
His private arrangements
with his accountant! Not that I...!

902
01:02:31,966 --> 01:02:34,639
- No, quite so.
- Well, why, Humphrey?

903
01:02:34,806 --> 01:02:37,684
- Why surveillance or why you?
- Both!

904
01:02:37,846 --> 01:02:41,759
- It's the same answer.
- Why split it into two questions?

905
01:02:41,926 --> 01:02:45,680
I didn't want to risk answering
a question you weren't asking.

906
01:02:45,846 --> 01:02:48,918
I'm asking you now.
Why was I under surveillance?

907
01:02:49,086 --> 01:02:51,646
It's perfectly obvious. Do you mind?

908
01:02:51,806 --> 01:02:57,164
Before the election, it was rumoured you'd be
appointed Defence Secretary.

909
01:02:57,326 --> 01:02:58,645
So?

910
01:02:58,806 --> 01:03:03,277
If the PM was giving you defence,
in the national interest,

911
01:03:03,446 --> 01:03:08,201
that Ml5 must be satisfied
you weren't a security risk.

912
01:03:08,366 --> 01:03:12,644
- My privacy was invaded!
- Better than your country, Minister.

913
01:03:14,086 --> 01:03:16,759
Have you ever been under surveillance?

914
01:03:16,926 --> 01:03:19,759
- Me, Minister?!
- You.

915
01:03:19,926 --> 01:03:22,724
I'm a civil servant!

916
01:03:23,446 --> 01:03:25,880
So were Burgess and MacLean.

917
01:03:26,046 --> 01:03:28,765
- Oh, well...
- And Philby!

918
01:03:28,926 --> 01:03:31,156
They weren't Permanent Secretaries.

919
01:03:31,646 --> 01:03:37,243
One becomes a Permanent Secretary
after a life of reliability and integrity.

920
01:03:37,406 --> 01:03:41,115
The rigorous selection procedures winnow out all

921
01:03:41,286 --> 01:03:44,756
but the most upright
and honourable public servants.

922
01:03:44,926 --> 01:03:50,000
- And what about Ministers?
- They have many dazzling qualities!

923
01:03:50,166 --> 01:03:52,919
Including...?

924
01:03:55,366 --> 01:04:01,077
Enviable intellectual suppleness
and moral manoeuvrability.

925
01:04:01,246 --> 01:04:03,476
What are you trying to say?

926
01:04:03,646 --> 01:04:07,719
You can't trust them! Not you, of course, Minister.

927
01:04:07,886 --> 01:04:11,640
Ministers, unlike civil servants,
are selected at random

928
01:04:11,806 --> 01:04:14,604
by prime ministerial whim,

929
01:04:14,766 --> 01:04:18,441
in recognition of dubious services rendered,

930
01:04:18,606 --> 01:04:22,440
or to avoid appointing someone of real ability.

931
01:04:23,766 --> 01:04:27,315
Not you, Minister! You certainly are to be trusted.

932
01:04:27,486 --> 01:04:32,241
You might almost be a civil servant yourself!

933
01:04:32,406 --> 01:04:35,398
- Is that a compliment?
- Indeed. The ultimate compliment.

934
01:04:37,406 --> 01:04:40,079
Would you trust every Cabinet colleague

935
01:04:40,246 --> 01:04:42,840
never to betray a confidence?

936
01:04:44,006 --> 01:04:48,318
- And all the opposition front bench?
- You must be joking!

937
01:04:48,486 --> 01:04:51,159
You were in the opposition at the time.

938
01:04:51,326 --> 01:04:55,319
Be that as it may,
I have decided I'm going to stop it.

939
01:04:55,486 --> 01:05:01,197
- But this is a Home Office matter.
- Nevertheless, I'll make it harder.

940
01:05:01,366 --> 01:05:05,996
If I'm responsible for bugging,
I want some democratic safeguards.

941
01:05:06,166 --> 01:05:11,194
Are you about to suggest that people
won't be put under surveillance

942
01:05:11,366 --> 01:05:15,279
until they've signed a form agreeing to it?

943
01:05:15,446 --> 01:05:21,078
No, we'll have a select committee
to vet every application,

944
01:05:21,566 --> 01:05:26,401
and no surveillance to last over two
weeks without a further application.

945
01:05:26,566 --> 01:05:30,798
Will you set the wheels in motion,
please, Humphrey?

946
01:05:30,966 --> 01:05:32,957
Very well, Minister.

947
01:05:35,086 --> 01:05:38,396
Bernard, send a minute to each Cabinet member.

948
01:05:38,566 --> 01:05:42,275
I'll plant a question for a backbencher to ask.

949
01:05:42,446 --> 01:05:47,520
"Can you assure us no colleagues
have ever been under surveillance?"

950
01:05:47,686 --> 01:05:51,315
- That should shake him.
- It certainly will.

951
01:05:51,486 --> 01:05:55,559
Ask Walter Fowler of the Express
to meet me for a drink.

952
01:05:55,726 --> 01:05:59,355
- What for, Minister?
- First law of political indiscretion:

953
01:05:59,526 --> 01:06:02,757
Always have a drink before you leak.

954
01:06:11,766 --> 01:06:14,644
- Will it make a story?
- Yes.

955
01:06:14,806 --> 01:06:18,765
"Minister fights
for phone-tap safeguard." Yes!

956
01:06:18,926 --> 01:06:24,284
- Where will they run it?
- High up on the home news page.

957
01:06:24,446 --> 01:06:28,359
- Not on page one?
- Can I attribute it?

958
01:06:28,526 --> 01:06:31,563
- "Minister speaks out"?
- No, no, no.

959
01:06:31,726 --> 01:06:37,119
Then, where did I get the story?
I can't say, "Officially announced."

960
01:06:37,286 --> 01:06:39,925
"Government spokesman"?

961
01:06:41,806 --> 01:06:44,525
How about, "Sources close to Minister"?

962
01:06:44,686 --> 01:06:49,043
Hold on, I don't want everybody
to know I told you!

963
01:06:49,206 --> 01:06:52,596
Couldn't you do, "Speculation
is growing in Westminster"?

964
01:06:52,766 --> 01:06:54,757
A bit weak.

965
01:06:55,846 --> 01:06:57,484
"Unofficial spokesman"?

966
01:06:57,646 --> 01:07:00,683
Used that twice this week already!

967
01:07:00,846 --> 01:07:04,395
The Cabinet's leaking like a sieve, isn't it?

968
01:07:05,766 --> 01:07:10,635
Couldn't we attribute it to a leading
member of the sieve... Cabinet?

969
01:07:10,806 --> 01:07:12,444
No...

970
01:07:14,246 --> 01:07:18,478
How would you like to be "an informed source"?

971
01:07:18,646 --> 01:07:21,285
OK. "Informed source."

972
01:07:21,446 --> 01:07:25,485
Quite a joke, isn't it,
describing someone as "informed"

973
01:07:25,646 --> 01:07:29,639
when his Permanent Secretary
is Sir Humphrey Appleby?!

974
01:07:35,326 --> 01:07:40,275
Everything we said on the phone,
recorded and transcribed.

975
01:07:40,446 --> 01:07:43,961
- It's humiliating!
- It is a little humiliating.

976
01:07:44,126 --> 01:07:48,916
That Ml5 know you talk at home
the same as you talk in public.

977
01:07:49,086 --> 01:07:54,524
The gross national product, borrowing
requirements, draft agendas...

978
01:07:54,686 --> 01:07:58,235
I didn't mean that! I meant our private talk.

979
01:07:58,406 --> 01:08:01,443
I hadn't thought of that..."Got the car keys?"

980
01:08:01,606 --> 01:08:06,521
"I thought you had them!"
That'll bring the government down!

981
01:08:06,686 --> 01:08:10,474
- You're not taking it seriously.
- What gives you that idea?

982
01:08:10,646 --> 01:08:14,798
They might've heard what we said... in bed!

983
01:08:15,646 --> 01:08:18,922
Why? Do you snore in code?

984
01:08:20,046 --> 01:08:23,959
- You trying to tell me something?
- Since you ask,

985
01:08:24,126 --> 01:08:28,438
why don't we go away
for the weekend like we used to?

986
01:08:28,606 --> 01:08:31,040
Yes. Why not? What the hell!

987
01:08:31,206 --> 01:08:33,959
- Let's go to Kingsbury Down.
- Where?

988
01:08:34,126 --> 01:08:37,914
Only where we spent our honeymoon, darling!

989
01:08:38,086 --> 01:08:39,405
Yes...

990
01:08:39,566 --> 01:08:41,682
Where you first explained to me

991
01:08:41,846 --> 01:08:47,876
the effect of velocity of circulation
on the net growth of money supply.

992
01:08:48,046 --> 01:08:50,435
Yeah... I remember.

993
01:08:50,606 --> 01:08:53,404
Did you get that, boys?

994
01:08:56,446 --> 01:08:59,916
The Minister... on a death list?

995
01:09:00,086 --> 01:09:03,840
Well, who are the International Freedom Army?

996
01:09:04,006 --> 01:09:08,045
- We do not, as yet, know.
- Why assassinate the Minister?

997
01:09:08,206 --> 01:09:10,197
He's so harmless!

998
01:09:11,406 --> 01:09:14,716
Nevertheless, we cannot risk the Minister's life.

999
01:09:14,886 --> 01:09:17,798
- No. That means the full...?
- Quite!

1000
01:09:19,206 --> 01:09:22,881
- Morning, Minister!
- Morning, Minister, how are you?

1001
01:09:23,046 --> 01:09:27,756
- Sorry I'm late. Didn't sleep well.
- Sorry to hear that.

1002
01:09:27,926 --> 01:09:30,281
Actually, I feel like death.

1003
01:09:31,926 --> 01:09:34,724
Perhaps that's just as well.

1004
01:09:38,046 --> 01:09:40,879
- See this morning's Express?
- Indeed.

1005
01:09:41,046 --> 01:09:45,244
- "Minister acts to curb phone taps."
- Wonder where they got that.

1006
01:09:45,726 --> 01:09:48,604
A leak, I suppose. Terrible, isn't it?

1007
01:09:48,766 --> 01:09:50,085
Terrible.

1008
01:09:50,246 --> 01:09:51,395
It only reaffirms my determination to act.

1009
01:09:54,046 --> 01:09:57,561
Are you sure you've considered
all the implications?

1010
01:09:58,086 --> 01:10:00,475
Yes. Free citizens have a right to privacy.

1011
01:10:00,646 --> 01:10:05,674
But suppose Ml5 had reason
to believe these free citizens were,

1012
01:10:05,846 --> 01:10:08,963
to take a purely hypothetical example,

1013
01:10:09,126 --> 01:10:11,435
planning to assassinate a Minister?

1014
01:10:12,166 --> 01:10:16,603
The freedom of the British people
is worth more than a Minister's life.

1015
01:10:16,766 --> 01:10:18,722
Freedom is indivisible.

1016
01:10:18,886 --> 01:10:21,525
Ministers are expendable.

1017
01:10:22,326 --> 01:10:28,242
A man in public life must expect
to be the target of cranks and fanatics.

1018
01:10:28,406 --> 01:10:33,082
It is a Minister's duty to set his life at naught.

1019
01:10:33,246 --> 01:10:38,479
He must be able to stand up and say,
"Here I am! Do your worst!"

1020
01:10:39,406 --> 01:10:42,364
And not cower in craven terror

1021
01:10:42,526 --> 01:10:45,165
behind electronic equipment,

1022
01:10:45,326 --> 01:10:47,203
secret microphones

1023
01:10:47,366 --> 01:10:53,475
and all the hideous apparatus...
of the police state.

1024
01:10:53,846 --> 01:10:56,918
- Ahem...
- I don't want to hear about it.

1025
01:10:57,086 --> 01:11:00,396
I must say one more thing on this matter.

1026
01:11:00,566 --> 01:11:02,363
Very well. Be brief.

1027
01:11:02,526 --> 01:11:05,677
Special Branch have found
your name on a death list.

1028
01:11:05,846 --> 01:11:08,406
That has no bearing on the situation.

1029
01:11:08,566 --> 01:11:10,204
What?!

1030
01:11:11,486 --> 01:11:16,401
Special Branch have found
your name on a death list.

1031
01:11:16,566 --> 01:11:19,797
- A death list...?
- An assassination.

1032
01:11:19,966 --> 01:11:24,323
I know what you mean by death list,
but what do you mean?

1033
01:11:25,446 --> 01:11:29,803
I don't think I can put it
any more clearly, Minister.

1034
01:11:29,966 --> 01:11:32,196
To put it absolutely bluntly,

1035
01:11:32,366 --> 01:11:35,836
investigations have proved
the existence of documents

1036
01:11:36,006 --> 01:11:38,281
whose provenance is unestablished

1037
01:11:38,446 --> 01:11:41,961
but whose effect would be
to precipitate a bye-election.

1038
01:11:42,126 --> 01:11:44,356
What do you mean?

1039
01:11:44,526 --> 01:11:47,199
You're on a death list, Minister.

1040
01:11:47,366 --> 01:11:48,958
Who and why?

1041
01:11:49,126 --> 01:11:53,005
The International Freedom Army,
a new urban guerrilla group.

1042
01:11:53,166 --> 01:11:57,045
- What've they got against me?
- As you may recall,

1043
01:11:57,206 --> 01:11:59,959
there have been rumours of a Cabinet reshuffle,

1044
01:12:00,126 --> 01:12:04,756
and your name was linked
with the Ministry of Defence.

1045
01:12:04,926 --> 01:12:09,317
- Who can they be?
- An Irish splinter group?

1046
01:12:09,486 --> 01:12:15,322
Baader-Meinhof, PLO or Black
September or home-grown loonies!

1047
01:12:15,486 --> 01:12:17,920
Anarchists, Maoists, Libyans,

1048
01:12:18,086 --> 01:12:21,601
Iranians or the Italian Red Brigade,
for all we know.

1049
01:12:21,766 --> 01:12:27,443
But they're all connected, so it could be
a new group of freelance killers.

1050
01:12:28,646 --> 01:12:31,240
Special Branch don't know where to start.

1051
01:12:31,406 --> 01:12:35,240
- The list isn't just me?
- Not just you, Minister.

1052
01:12:35,406 --> 01:12:38,443
- There must be hundreds on...
- Just three.

1053
01:12:39,806 --> 01:12:41,797
Just three.

1054
01:12:41,966 --> 01:12:43,524
(BUZZER)

1055
01:12:43,686 --> 01:12:47,156
Yes? Commander Forest of Special Branch.

1056
01:12:47,326 --> 01:12:48,839
- Shall I...?
- Please do.

1057
01:12:49,006 --> 01:12:53,363
The Home Secretary wants
detectives to protect you.

1058
01:12:53,526 --> 01:12:56,165
- This man will inform you.
- Detectives?!

1059
01:12:56,326 --> 01:12:58,999
They can't protect you
against the assassin's bullet!

1060
01:12:59,166 --> 01:13:04,923
Certainly not, but they can determine
the assassin is brought to trial.

1061
01:13:05,086 --> 01:13:10,001
After the victim has been gunned down, of course.

1062
01:13:10,566 --> 01:13:13,399
Commander Forest of Special Branch.

1063
01:13:13,566 --> 01:13:15,796
- Morning, Commander.
- Morning, sir.

1064
01:13:15,966 --> 01:13:17,638
- Sit down.
- Thank you.

1065
01:13:17,806 --> 01:13:21,355
You've been told about this list, sir?

1066
01:13:21,526 --> 01:13:24,836
List? What list? Oh, list, yes.

1067
01:13:25,006 --> 01:13:28,078
I'll brief you on the standard
hazards and precautions.

1068
01:13:28,246 --> 01:13:32,034
- Thank you, Bernard.
- Do I have to take it seriously?

1069
01:13:32,206 --> 01:13:35,243
In a sense, that's up to you. We advise...

1070
01:13:35,406 --> 01:13:40,719
Most people might be in a frightful funk,
but it's all in a day's work!

1071
01:13:40,886 --> 01:13:44,083
- I admire your courage, sir.
- Thank you.

1072
01:13:44,246 --> 01:13:45,599
Right, well...

1073
01:13:45,766 --> 01:13:47,563
Shoot. I mean...!

1074
01:13:48,926 --> 01:13:51,998
Assassination hazards fall into four categories:

1075
01:13:52,166 --> 01:13:56,921
Bullets, bombs, poisons
and so-called accidents.

1076
01:13:57,086 --> 01:13:59,964
There's also gassing,
throttling, stabbing, drowning,

1077
01:14:00,126 --> 01:14:05,325
garrotting and ritual disembowelling,
but they are uncommon in the UK.

1078
01:14:05,486 --> 01:14:08,205
- All right, then.
- Start with bullets.

1079
01:14:08,366 --> 01:14:11,881
There's your assassin
on a tall building or in a car,

1080
01:14:12,046 --> 01:14:14,435
your killer in a crowd and phut!

1081
01:14:15,086 --> 01:14:18,522
There's the unexpected house caller,
your marksman in a van,

1082
01:14:18,686 --> 01:14:21,075
and the revolver through your car window.

1083
01:14:21,246 --> 01:14:25,239
So avoid crowds
and keep away from windows.

1084
01:14:28,566 --> 01:14:35,039
Commander, could I suggest
bullet-proof curtains for the office?

1085
01:14:35,206 --> 01:14:38,562
- Bullet-proof!
- By lunchtime, sir.

1086
01:14:38,726 --> 01:14:42,719
We'll fit them in your London flat
when we do the place over.

1087
01:14:42,886 --> 01:14:46,276
- Do it over?
- The usual locks, security alarms.

1088
01:14:46,446 --> 01:14:49,916
24-hour patrols by local staff, phone taps.

1089
01:14:50,086 --> 01:14:51,838
Just the usual?!

1090
01:14:52,006 --> 01:14:54,725
You'll have bodyguards round the clock.

1091
01:14:54,886 --> 01:14:59,801
Never answer your door in person
and keep car windows locked.

1092
01:14:59,966 --> 01:15:02,526
Never draw up by the pavement at lights.

1093
01:15:02,686 --> 01:15:05,519
You don't want a terrorist to jump in!

1094
01:15:05,686 --> 01:15:07,358
- No.
- Course not!

1095
01:15:07,526 --> 01:15:13,442
If he draws his car in front of yours,
ram the axle and sweep it aside,

1096
01:15:15,126 --> 01:15:19,597
Bombs! Car bombs you know,
but never open letters.

1097
01:15:19,766 --> 01:15:22,485
For the time being, we'll re-direct them.

1098
01:15:22,646 --> 01:15:27,845
Now, poisons... Be suspicious
of gifts of food, chocolates.

1099
01:15:28,006 --> 01:15:31,794
Check the milk bottle caps
every morning for hypodermic holes.

1100
01:15:31,966 --> 01:15:35,925
Don't forget the poisoned umbrella
jabbed into the calf.

1101
01:15:39,206 --> 01:15:40,958
Now... accidents.

1102
01:15:41,126 --> 01:15:45,438
Never walk along the edge
of pavements, rivers, railway platforms.

1103
01:15:45,606 --> 01:15:48,757
We don't want to make it too easy for them.

1104
01:15:48,926 --> 01:15:52,362
Especially the electric railway -
so avoid the Tube.

1105
01:15:52,526 --> 01:15:55,199
Electrocution... another favourite.

1106
01:15:55,366 --> 01:16:01,521
A little tinkering with the telly,
toaster, electric blanket and Bob's your uncle!

1107
01:16:01,686 --> 01:16:04,359
Your late uncle.

1108
01:16:07,166 --> 01:16:09,919
They have to be checked. Any questions?

1109
01:16:13,446 --> 01:16:18,998
Good! Here's your list of standard
safety precautions.

1110
01:16:19,166 --> 01:16:22,681
- I'll be in touch.
- Thank you, Commander.

1111
01:16:25,166 --> 01:16:28,602
If you're pushed out of a window
with railings underneath,

1112
01:16:28,766 --> 01:16:31,326
try and land on your head.

1113
01:16:31,486 --> 01:16:33,363
Quicker!

1114
01:16:38,046 --> 01:16:43,245
Humphrey... how do we find
these terrorists before they find me?

1115
01:16:43,406 --> 01:16:49,117
Phone tapping and surveillance
of suspects is the best way,

1116
01:16:49,286 --> 01:16:54,041
but it does incur intolerable
intrusion on individual privacy.

1117
01:17:00,566 --> 01:17:02,522
On the other hand...

1118
01:17:02,686 --> 01:17:07,282
the people's representatives
must represent the people.

1119
01:17:07,446 --> 01:17:11,405
Any threat to them is a threat
against democracy, isn't it?

1120
01:17:13,166 --> 01:17:15,157
How?

1121
01:17:15,806 --> 01:17:18,479
These threats constitute

1122
01:17:18,646 --> 01:17:22,844
an attack on the people's
inalienable democratic right

1123
01:17:23,006 --> 01:17:28,558
to have leaders of their choice, who must
be protected by every possible means,

1124
01:17:28,726 --> 01:17:32,605
no matter how much we might regret
the necessity for doing so.

1125
01:17:32,766 --> 01:17:35,917
Beautifully argued, Minister. My view exactly.

1126
01:17:36,086 --> 01:17:39,078
Or else you're a dead duck.

1127
01:17:39,646 --> 01:17:41,557
Good God! What's that?

1128
01:17:41,726 --> 01:17:43,956
- The petition's arrived.
- Petition?

1129
01:17:44,126 --> 01:17:46,845
Against phone tapping and surveillance.

1130
01:17:47,006 --> 01:17:51,124
The one you started in opposition.
2.25 million signatures.

1131
01:17:51,286 --> 01:17:53,117
But we need surveillance!

1132
01:17:53,286 --> 01:17:56,483
It's an essential weapon
in our fight against crime, right?

1133
01:17:56,646 --> 01:17:59,399
I couldn't have put it better myself.

1134
01:17:59,566 --> 01:18:05,163
- I see. Shall I file it?
- Shred it! No one must find it.

1135
01:18:05,326 --> 01:18:08,716
In that case, I think it's best I file it.

1136
01:18:38,246 --> 01:18:41,283
Great way to spend a second honeymoon!

1137
01:18:41,446 --> 01:18:42,765
Table for...?

1138
01:18:42,926 --> 01:18:44,359
- Eight!
- Two.

1139
01:18:44,526 --> 01:18:47,518
I've a nice table by the window.

1140
01:18:47,686 --> 01:18:50,120
- We've chosen the target's table.
- Target?

1141
01:18:50,286 --> 01:18:53,642
Sorry, Minister. Over there by the kitchen door.

1142
01:18:58,366 --> 01:19:00,243
You sit here, sir.

1143
01:19:00,406 --> 01:19:04,797
Constable Ross will be watching
the kitchen door, your escape route.

1144
01:19:04,966 --> 01:19:09,881
We're not expecting assassins here,
since we only booked this morning.

1145
01:19:10,046 --> 01:19:16,235
I'll sit by the window.
If you hear gunshots, get under the table.

1146
01:19:16,406 --> 01:19:18,761
I'm not really worried.

1147
01:19:21,806 --> 01:19:23,762
(POP!)

1148
01:19:25,926 --> 01:19:29,555
It was just a champagne cork, darling.

1149
01:19:30,446 --> 01:19:32,437
Just practising.

1150
01:19:34,126 --> 01:19:36,765
(DETECTIVE) I'll have spaghetti bolognaise,

1151
01:19:36,926 --> 01:19:42,796
then T-bone steak, peas,
beans, cauliflower and chips,

1152
01:19:42,966 --> 01:19:47,960
and a bottle of Ch�teau
Baron Philippe de Rothschild 1961.

1153
01:19:49,646 --> 01:19:52,240
Takes it out of you, this job.

1154
01:19:57,006 --> 01:19:59,076
- Beautiful, isn't it?
- Beautiful.

1155
01:19:59,246 --> 01:20:01,476
Quiet and peaceful.

1156
01:20:01,646 --> 01:20:03,762
Lovely to get away from it all.

1157
01:20:03,926 --> 01:20:05,917
Lovely.

1158
01:20:15,846 --> 01:20:18,076
- This all right for you?
- Lovely.

1159
01:20:18,246 --> 01:20:21,044
Not James Bond? I thought it was "Belle du Jour".

1160
01:20:21,206 --> 01:20:25,199
Yes, but they didn't want to see a foreign film.

1161
01:20:33,646 --> 01:20:35,637
(OMINOUS MUSIC)

1162
01:20:46,086 --> 01:20:48,077
(MUSIC BUILDS)

1163
01:21:03,966 --> 01:21:05,285
(GUNSHOT)

1164
01:21:10,126 --> 01:21:12,117
I can't stand this.

1165
01:21:22,366 --> 01:21:26,757
- Target in there now?
- Yeah, with his wife.

1166
01:21:26,926 --> 01:21:30,601
- They going out again?
- Nah, turned in for the night.

1167
01:21:30,766 --> 01:21:34,395
They don't seem to be enjoying the holiday.

1168
01:21:34,566 --> 01:21:36,557
Wonder why...?

1169
01:21:37,326 --> 01:21:39,521
I can't sleep here.

1170
01:21:39,686 --> 01:21:41,483
I'm going home.

1171
01:21:44,406 --> 01:21:46,874
What the hell's all this?

1172
01:21:47,046 --> 01:21:51,039
(DETECTIVE) Local force, sir,
showing they're doing their bit.

1173
01:22:03,446 --> 01:22:04,765
(KNOCK AT DOOR)

1174
01:22:05,166 --> 01:22:07,805
Come in. Oh, you're in!

1175
01:22:07,966 --> 01:22:11,242
- May I just check the windows?
- Go ahead.

1176
01:22:16,566 --> 01:22:18,682
Thank you. Goodnight, sir.

1177
01:22:18,846 --> 01:22:20,643
Sleep well.

1178
01:22:22,566 --> 01:22:26,479
Don't worry, darling. You'll get used
to being a famous man's wife.

1179
01:22:26,646 --> 01:22:28,045
I hope so.

1180
01:22:28,206 --> 01:22:31,881
I don't want to be a famous man's widow!

1181
01:22:33,126 --> 01:22:35,196
But... I don't follow.

1182
01:22:35,366 --> 01:22:37,755
You want to stop phone tapping,

1183
01:22:37,926 --> 01:22:43,239
you get this petition of 2.25 million
signatures to boost your case,

1184
01:22:43,406 --> 01:22:47,319
and you won't even give me
a quote saying you welcome it.

1185
01:22:49,686 --> 01:22:52,484
A promise to implement
its recommendations?

1186
01:22:52,646 --> 01:22:55,240
- It's not that simple.
- Why not?

1187
01:22:55,406 --> 01:23:00,161
- There are security implications.
- There always were.

1188
01:23:02,806 --> 01:23:07,880
OK, I'll make an even bigger story:
"Minister rejects his own petition."

1189
01:23:08,046 --> 01:23:10,002
Now, hold on! I...

1190
01:23:10,166 --> 01:23:13,158
Are you accepting it or rejecting it?

1191
01:23:14,286 --> 01:23:16,038
No.

1192
01:23:18,326 --> 01:23:25,118
My editor asks if being on this death list
has altered your views on phone tapping.

1193
01:23:25,766 --> 01:23:28,519
Heavens! What an extraordinary idea!

1194
01:23:28,686 --> 01:23:32,725
- So why this change of tune?
- No change of tune.

1195
01:23:32,886 --> 01:23:34,205
(KNOCK)

1196
01:23:34,366 --> 01:23:38,962
- Can Sir Humphrey see you?
- Humphrey! What can I do for you?

1197
01:23:39,126 --> 01:23:41,720
- Excuse us.
- Won't be a minute.

1198
01:23:41,886 --> 01:23:43,604
I'll wait out there.

1199
01:23:43,766 --> 01:23:45,085
Good weekend?

1200
01:23:45,246 --> 01:23:48,443
Marvellous.
Me, Annie and half of Special Branch.

1201
01:23:48,606 --> 01:23:53,316
- Rozzers with guns. Unforgettable!
- The burdens of office!

1202
01:23:53,486 --> 01:23:57,923
- This can't go on.
- You said it! It isn't going to.

1203
01:23:58,086 --> 01:24:01,237
Special Branch is withdrawing your protection.

1204
01:24:01,406 --> 01:24:05,558
Wait a minute! I didn't mean... Why?

1205
01:24:06,326 --> 01:24:10,558
They've suffered an acute
personnel establishment shortfall.

1206
01:24:10,726 --> 01:24:14,355
- They're what?
- Short-staffed. No more protection.

1207
01:24:14,526 --> 01:24:16,039
Short-staffed?!

1208
01:24:16,206 --> 01:24:21,121
There's a more dangerous threat
to the Soviet premier at Chequers.

1209
01:24:21,286 --> 01:24:24,517
- But he's Russian, I'm British!
- In fact,

1210
01:24:24,686 --> 01:24:28,998
Special Branch believe the threat
to your life has diminished.

1211
01:24:29,166 --> 01:24:30,918
How do they know?

1212
01:24:31,086 --> 01:24:33,680
Surveillance of a conversation.

1213
01:24:33,846 --> 01:24:36,918
- What did it say?
- It's of no...

1214
01:24:37,086 --> 01:24:38,758
I've a right to know.

1215
01:24:38,926 --> 01:24:41,520
Well, it was to the effect that,

1216
01:24:41,686 --> 01:24:45,645
in view of the nebulous
and inexplicit nature of your remit,

1217
01:24:45,806 --> 01:24:51,483
the arguably marginal and peripheral
nature of your influence on decisions

1218
01:24:51,646 --> 01:24:53,716
within the political process,

1219
01:24:53,886 --> 01:24:57,162
there could be a case
for restructuring their action priorities

1220
01:24:57,326 --> 01:25:02,320
so as to eliminate your liquidation
from their immediate agenda.

1221
01:25:03,846 --> 01:25:06,041
They said that?

1222
01:25:06,206 --> 01:25:08,720
That was the gist of it.

1223
01:25:10,446 --> 01:25:12,482
What's it mean in English?

1224
01:25:12,646 --> 01:25:19,040
Well, it means that they don't think
you're really important enough

1225
01:25:19,206 --> 01:25:22,278
for it to be worth assassinating you.

1226
01:25:30,926 --> 01:25:32,245
Oh!

1227
01:25:33,086 --> 01:25:37,398
- I don't agree, of course.
- You mean...?

1228
01:25:37,566 --> 01:25:39,397
What?

1229
01:25:39,566 --> 01:25:42,922
- They should assassinate me?
- No, no, no!

1230
01:25:43,086 --> 01:25:46,840
- I'm not important enough?
- No, no...

1231
01:25:47,006 --> 01:25:49,520
I mean you are important enough,

1232
01:25:49,686 --> 01:25:52,962
but they shouldn't assassinate you anyway.

1233
01:25:53,966 --> 01:25:57,720
That's marvellous. Not that I was ever worried.

1234
01:25:57,886 --> 01:25:59,604
(KNOCK)

1235
01:25:59,926 --> 01:26:01,723
Mr Fowler's waiting.

1236
01:26:01,886 --> 01:26:04,320
Yes, bring him in.

1237
01:26:04,486 --> 01:26:08,320
Have we still got that petition?
If so, show Mr Fowler.

1238
01:26:08,486 --> 01:26:13,355
- The petition? But you said...
- Yes, I did, but bring it in.

1239
01:26:14,526 --> 01:26:17,962
- Antennae, Bernard.
- Yes! Yes, indeed.

1240
01:26:18,126 --> 01:26:21,198
- The petition you were pleased...?
- That's right.

1241
01:26:21,366 --> 01:26:23,243
God!

1242
01:26:24,166 --> 01:26:27,522
- The paper must have an answer.
- Of course.

1243
01:26:27,686 --> 01:26:30,883
I want you to know
I welcome this petition warmly!

1244
01:26:31,046 --> 01:26:36,404
It's not just the sort of thing
you can sweep under the carpet.

1245
01:26:36,566 --> 01:26:40,115
As for death lists, well, Ministers are dispensable,

1246
01:26:40,286 --> 01:26:43,562
but freedom is indivisible, right, Humphrey?

1247
01:26:43,726 --> 01:26:45,717
Yes, Minister.

1248
01:28:11,580 --> 01:28:14,219
Humphrey, what are you havering about?

1249
01:28:14,380 --> 01:28:17,850
I'm simply saying we can't take
the Minister's approval for granted.

1250
01:28:18,020 --> 01:28:20,614
The Italian government
have offered a massive contract

1251
01:28:20,780 --> 01:28:24,056
to manufacture propanol
at our Merseyside plant,

1252
01:28:24,220 --> 01:28:28,532
which means saving a plant
we were going to have to close,

1253
01:28:28,700 --> 01:28:32,488
saving jobs, earning export royalties.

1254
01:28:32,660 --> 01:28:36,892
- He has to give us the go-ahead.
- But if the Minister thinks...

1255
01:28:37,060 --> 01:28:38,732
Ministers don't think!

1256
01:28:40,740 --> 01:28:42,651
Don't talk to me about Ministers.

1257
01:28:42,820 --> 01:28:46,369
I've been chairman of British
Chemical Corporation for ten years,

1258
01:28:46,540 --> 01:28:50,169
and in that time dealt
with nineteen different Ministers.

1259
01:28:50,340 --> 01:28:52,774
They've usually not had time to see me,

1260
01:28:52,940 --> 01:28:57,889
because they're too busy bribing
Trade Union leaders not to strike.

1261
01:28:58,060 --> 01:29:01,211
- They've never bribed anybody.
- Oh, no?

1262
01:29:01,380 --> 01:29:04,850
"Have a quango, Tom;
a knighthood, Dick; a peerage, Harry."

1263
01:29:05,020 --> 01:29:08,695
- But the Minister's worried...
- Of course he's worried!

1264
01:29:08,860 --> 01:29:13,980
If I'd never done anything to worry
those vote-grabbing baby-kissing jellies,

1265
01:29:14,140 --> 01:29:16,608
we'd have gone down the tube years ago!

1266
01:29:16,780 --> 01:29:20,739
- But propanol contains metadioxin.
- So what?

1267
01:29:20,900 --> 01:29:24,654
Dioxin was released at Seveso.
It can damage the foetus.

1268
01:29:24,820 --> 01:29:29,098
That's dioxin, for Christ's sake!
Metadioxin is an inert compound.

1269
01:29:29,260 --> 01:29:32,536
It's been given a clean bill
of health by Washington.

1270
01:29:32,700 --> 01:29:35,976
The Henderson Committee,
which you set up, will give it the OK, too.

1271
01:29:36,140 --> 01:29:39,974
I know, Wally, but the name
could be politically sensitive.

1272
01:29:40,140 --> 01:29:42,973
But I've taken metadioxin out of the proposal.

1273
01:29:43,140 --> 01:29:45,574
- I call it propanol.
- Very wise of you.

1274
01:29:45,740 --> 01:29:49,130
- You told me to.
- Very wise of me!

1275
01:29:49,300 --> 01:29:55,136
But the Minister may raise
no objections, it just needs tact.

1276
01:29:55,300 --> 01:29:58,815
Fine. In that case, there's no problem.

1277
01:29:58,980 --> 01:30:04,737
I'll have a tactful word with Hacker
and persuade the blancmange myself.

1278
01:30:05,340 --> 01:30:08,571
Don't take this amiss, Wally,

1279
01:30:08,740 --> 01:30:14,690
but I might just be able to manage
without your unique... brand of tact.

1280
01:30:16,180 --> 01:30:19,058
- This is wonderful news, Humphrey.
- Yes, Minister.

1281
01:30:19,220 --> 01:30:24,692
We turn a run-down plant from
loss-maker into a profitable unit,

1282
01:30:24,860 --> 01:30:27,693
the largest manufacturer of propanol in Europe.

1283
01:30:27,860 --> 01:30:31,489
- Yes, Minister.
- Equipment made in UK factories.

1284
01:30:31,660 --> 01:30:35,573
Income for the local authorities,
foreign exchange from exports.

1285
01:30:35,740 --> 01:30:37,970
- Too good to be true!
- It is true.

1286
01:30:38,140 --> 01:30:42,292
Good old propanol... What is propanol, actually?

1287
01:30:42,860 --> 01:30:47,251
It used to be made with dioxin
until the Seveso explosion,

1288
01:30:47,420 --> 01:30:52,050
then they developed a safe compound,
metadioxin.

1289
01:30:52,220 --> 01:30:56,771
The Italian factory is sealed off
so they've asked the BCC to make it.

1290
01:30:56,940 --> 01:30:59,170
- An ill wind.
- Quite so.

1291
01:30:59,340 --> 01:31:02,616
- But this stuff is perfectly safe?
- Perfectly.

1292
01:31:02,780 --> 01:31:07,171
Weak Ministers might have doubts
over the similarity of the names,

1293
01:31:07,340 --> 01:31:11,856
but no one with any backbone would
be deflected from such a beneficial project

1294
01:31:12,020 --> 01:31:14,250
on such a useless pretext.

1295
01:31:14,460 --> 01:31:18,055
I know just the sort of Minister
you mean. Political jellyfish.

1296
01:31:18,220 --> 01:31:21,053
Terrified of taking any decision.

1297
01:31:21,220 --> 01:31:24,212
After all, every decision
upsets someone, doesn't it?

1298
01:31:24,380 --> 01:31:28,498
Good government is doing
what's right, not just what's popular.

1299
01:31:28,660 --> 01:31:31,493
- Absolutely, Minister.
- But this will be popular?

1300
01:31:31,660 --> 01:31:35,335
- Very popular.
- Humphrey, I want to be sure.

1301
01:31:35,500 --> 01:31:40,255
You not asking me to make
a courageous decision, are you?

1302
01:31:40,420 --> 01:31:42,536
Of course not, Minister.

1303
01:31:42,700 --> 01:31:45,737
Good, good. Should I take it to Cabinet?

1304
01:31:45,900 --> 01:31:48,573
- I think the less said, the better.
- Why?

1305
01:31:48,740 --> 01:31:51,174
Although metadioxin is totally harmless,

1306
01:31:51,340 --> 01:31:54,650
the name may cause anxiety in ignorant minds.

1307
01:31:54,820 --> 01:31:58,529
Humphrey, you're talking
about my Cabinet colleagues.

1308
01:31:58,700 --> 01:32:00,656
I was referring to the Friends of the Earth.

1309
01:32:00,820 --> 01:32:02,139
(PHONE RINGS)

1310
01:32:03,100 --> 01:32:06,775
Yes? Joan Littler has arrived,
MP for Liverpool South West.

1311
01:32:06,940 --> 01:32:08,578
Know what she wants?

1312
01:32:08,740 --> 01:32:13,097
She's the Prime Minister's PPS,
and the new plant is in her constituency.

1313
01:32:13,260 --> 01:32:18,129
- Show her in. If you'll excuse us?
- The PM's PPS? I think I'll stay.

1314
01:32:18,780 --> 01:32:21,340
Joan Littler,
member for Liverpool South West.

1315
01:32:21,500 --> 01:32:25,254
- Do you know Humphrey Appleby?
- Delighted to meet you.

1316
01:32:25,420 --> 01:32:27,217
Do take a seat.

1317
01:32:27,380 --> 01:32:29,894
- Thank you, Bernard.
- Bernard...

1318
01:32:31,500 --> 01:32:34,060
Now, what can I do for you?

1319
01:32:34,220 --> 01:32:38,771
Jim, what's the British Chemical
Corporation up to in my constituency?

1320
01:32:38,940 --> 01:32:43,570
They'll be announcing a very
exciting project, with new jobs.

1321
01:32:43,740 --> 01:32:47,415
Yes... but there's some
very worrying rumours.

1322
01:32:47,580 --> 01:32:50,048
- Such as?
- Rumours of dangerous chemicals.

1323
01:32:50,220 --> 01:32:52,575
All chemicals are dangerous...

1324
01:32:52,740 --> 01:32:57,052
The Minister means the rumours
are unfounded, no cause for alarm.

1325
01:32:57,220 --> 01:33:01,896
Can I have your assurance
there'll be a full public enquiry?

1326
01:33:02,620 --> 01:33:04,099
Not a bad idea...

1327
01:33:04,260 --> 01:33:08,731
The Minister was about to say
there's no need for an enquiry.

1328
01:33:08,900 --> 01:33:14,611
- A report will be issued shortly.
- I came here to talk to Jim.

1329
01:33:14,780 --> 01:33:18,455
- You are talking to him.
- But he's not answering, you are!

1330
01:33:19,460 --> 01:33:22,054
- The Minister and I are of one mind.
- Whose? Yours?

1331
01:33:25,100 --> 01:33:30,094
I've heard this factory made
the chemical that poisoned Seveso!

1332
01:33:30,260 --> 01:33:32,376
- That's not true.
- Isn't it?

1333
01:33:32,540 --> 01:33:36,453
The chemical in Seveso was dioxin.
This is metadioxin.

1334
01:33:36,620 --> 01:33:40,090
- That's virtually the same thing.
- Just a similar name.

1335
01:33:40,260 --> 01:33:43,696
It's the same name with "meta"
stuck on the front.

1336
01:33:43,860 --> 01:33:48,058
- That makes all the difference.
- Why? What does "meta" mean?

1337
01:33:50,180 --> 01:33:54,173
- What does "meta" mean, Humphrey?
- "With", "after" or "beyond".

1338
01:33:54,340 --> 01:33:59,368
From the Greek, of course.
"After" dioxin or "beyond" dioxin.

1339
01:33:59,540 --> 01:34:03,613
If it's in the accusative,
it's "beyond or after",

1340
01:34:03,780 --> 01:34:07,739
with the genitive it's "with",
as in Latin, as you no doubt recall.

1341
01:34:07,900 --> 01:34:11,370
The ablative is used for words
needing "with" to precede them.

1342
01:34:11,540 --> 01:34:15,419
But of course, there isn't an ablative in Greek.

1343
01:34:15,580 --> 01:34:18,572
- Well done, Bernard.
- Thank you.

1344
01:34:21,220 --> 01:34:24,576
- You see?
- Not exactly, no.

1345
01:34:24,740 --> 01:34:28,210
- I thought that was perfectly plain.
- What I insist on knowing

1346
01:34:28,380 --> 01:34:32,771
is what is the actual difference
between dioxin and metadioxin.

1347
01:34:32,940 --> 01:34:37,013
Metadioxin is an inert compound of dioxin.

1348
01:34:37,180 --> 01:34:39,933
I think I follow that, Humphrey,

1349
01:34:40,100 --> 01:34:43,570
but could you explain it a little more clearly?

1350
01:34:43,740 --> 01:34:47,016
- In what sense, Minister?
- What does "inert" mean?

1351
01:34:47,180 --> 01:34:49,819
It means it's not...

1352
01:34:50,940 --> 01:34:52,737
...ert.

1353
01:34:55,940 --> 01:34:58,454
Wouldn't "ert" a fly.

1354
01:34:59,260 --> 01:35:03,048
- What did you say, Bernard?
- Nothing, Minister.

1355
01:35:03,220 --> 01:35:06,769
- What does that mean in practical terms?
- You mean chemically?

1356
01:35:06,940 --> 01:35:10,649
- Yes, chemically.
- What does it mean chemically?

1357
01:35:10,820 --> 01:35:13,732
I can't explain it in layman's language...

1358
01:35:13,900 --> 01:35:17,415
- Do you know any chemistry?
- Of course not, Minister.

1359
01:35:17,580 --> 01:35:20,492
I was in the scholarship form.

1360
01:35:20,660 --> 01:35:22,173
Classics.

1361
01:35:22,340 --> 01:35:25,730
- And what's a compound?
- Don't you know any chemistry?

1362
01:35:25,900 --> 01:35:28,573
No. Do you?

1363
01:35:28,740 --> 01:35:33,291
- We ought to, oughtn't we?
- A compound is a...

1364
01:35:33,460 --> 01:35:39,057
You know what compound interest is?
Yes, well, a jolly good thing.

1365
01:35:39,220 --> 01:35:41,973
That's the sort of thing a compound is.

1366
01:35:43,620 --> 01:35:45,099
That's it, then.

1367
01:35:45,260 --> 01:35:49,538
To sum up, I think we're all
of the same mind, broadly speaking.

1368
01:35:49,700 --> 01:35:52,419
We're ready to go ahead.

1369
01:35:52,580 --> 01:35:55,572
I've said no such thing!

1370
01:35:57,260 --> 01:35:59,979
The only difference is in the name,

1371
01:36:00,140 --> 01:36:04,019
dioxin and metadioxin, like... Littler and Hitler.

1372
01:36:04,620 --> 01:36:07,612
Not that you're like Hitler
because your name's similar!

1373
01:36:08,140 --> 01:36:10,335
- That's not the point.
- What is the point?

1374
01:36:10,500 --> 01:36:13,412
The point is this factory is in my constituency!

1375
01:36:13,580 --> 01:36:17,050
It'll be good for the constituency,
more jobs, more money.

1376
01:36:17,220 --> 01:36:20,929
The only people we'll offend
are a few environmentalists.

1377
01:36:21,100 --> 01:36:24,251
At most, it won't cost us more than 100 votes.

1378
01:36:24,940 --> 01:36:28,649
My majority is 91.

1379
01:36:28,820 --> 01:36:32,449
Not to mention the three marginal
constituencies bordering mine!

1380
01:36:32,620 --> 01:36:34,576
Could I intervene just once more?

1381
01:36:34,740 --> 01:36:38,369
The case for the BCC manufacturing
propanol is overwhelming.

1382
01:36:38,540 --> 01:36:39,859
Overwhelming.

1383
01:36:40,020 --> 01:36:43,899
Great jobs, increased income
and secure, profitable export orders.

1384
01:36:44,060 --> 01:36:45,618
- Export orders.
- Furthermore...

1385
01:36:45,780 --> 01:36:49,136
the drug has been declared safe by Washington,

1386
01:36:49,300 --> 01:36:51,609
- Washington.
- We're preparing a report, too.

1387
01:36:51,780 --> 01:36:53,611
The Minister is confident

1388
01:36:53,780 --> 01:36:57,853
that this scheme is to the advantage
of your constituency and the country.

1389
01:36:58,020 --> 01:37:01,649
If it proves not to be safe,
I won't allow its manufacture here.

1390
01:37:01,820 --> 01:37:06,530
But if the report says it is safe,
that'd be absurd, wouldn't it?

1391
01:37:07,220 --> 01:37:10,257
I'm not satisfied with that, Jim.

1392
01:37:10,420 --> 01:37:13,696
Remember that the party made you an MP,

1393
01:37:13,860 --> 01:37:18,456
and you can't be a Minister
if your party loses the next election.

1394
01:37:22,460 --> 01:37:24,655
You still don't look happy, Minister.

1395
01:37:24,820 --> 01:37:29,177
Suppose the report isn't as conclusive as you say.

1396
01:37:29,340 --> 01:37:32,696
- Oughtn't I to meet this Henderson?
- No need.

1397
01:37:32,860 --> 01:37:36,694
He's a brilliant Cambridge
biochemist, chosen with some care.

1398
01:37:36,860 --> 01:37:40,136
Suppose he produces a cautious,
wait-and-see report?

1399
01:37:40,300 --> 01:37:43,292
We don't publish it.
We use the American report instead.

1400
01:37:43,460 --> 01:37:45,098
Fine!

1401
01:37:46,300 --> 01:37:50,134
- You mean we suppress it?
- No, we just don't publish it.

1402
01:37:50,300 --> 01:37:54,771
- What's the difference?
- All the difference in the world!

1403
01:37:54,940 --> 01:37:57,579
Suppression is the instrument of dictatorships.

1404
01:37:57,740 --> 01:38:00,652
We don't talk of that sort of thing
in a free country.

1405
01:38:00,820 --> 01:38:03,254
We take a democratic decision not to publish.

1406
01:38:04,620 --> 01:38:08,374
Fine. What am I to say
to the press and parliament?

1407
01:38:08,540 --> 01:38:11,657
"We hoped the report would say
it was a wise decision."

1408
01:38:11,820 --> 01:38:15,449
"But we've cocked it up so we'll
pretend the report doesn't exist."

1409
01:38:15,620 --> 01:38:17,895
- Very droll.
- What would I say?

1410
01:38:18,060 --> 01:38:20,972
There's a Government procedure for suppress...

1411
01:38:21,140 --> 01:38:24,052
...deciding not to publish reports.
- Really?

1412
01:38:24,220 --> 01:38:26,415
You simply discredit them.

1413
01:38:26,580 --> 01:38:28,571
Good heavens!

1414
01:38:29,900 --> 01:38:31,652
How?

1415
01:38:32,700 --> 01:38:36,409
Stage One, give your reasons
in terms of the public interest.

1416
01:38:36,580 --> 01:38:40,971
- Hint at security considerations...
- Mind if I make a note?

1417
01:38:41,140 --> 01:38:46,168
This could be useful for discrediting
some of the party's idiotic research documents.

1418
01:38:46,340 --> 01:38:51,653
The report could put pressure on
Government and be misinterpreted.

1419
01:38:51,820 --> 01:38:55,529
Anything could be misinterpreted.
The Sermon on the Mount could be!

1420
01:38:55,700 --> 01:39:01,696
Indeed, it could be argued the Sermon
should not have been published.

1421
01:39:02,580 --> 01:39:04,810
A most irresponsible document.

1422
01:39:04,980 --> 01:39:07,448
All that stuff about the meek inheriting the earth

1423
01:39:07,620 --> 01:39:11,659
could do irreparable damage
to the defence budget.

1424
01:39:11,820 --> 01:39:14,095
I suppose you're right. What else?

1425
01:39:14,260 --> 01:39:18,731
Say it's better to wait for a more
detailed study over longer time.

1426
01:39:19,340 --> 01:39:22,173
- Suppose there isn't one?
- Commission one.

1427
01:39:22,340 --> 01:39:24,695
Gives you even more time to play with.

1428
01:39:24,860 --> 01:39:28,409
- All this is Stage One?
- Yes. In Stage Two...

1429
01:39:28,580 --> 01:39:31,014
discredit the evidence you're not publishing.

1430
01:39:31,180 --> 01:39:35,810
- How, if you're not publishing it?
- It's easier if it's not published.

1431
01:39:35,980 --> 01:39:39,052
Do it by press leaks, of course,
not directly.

1432
01:39:39,220 --> 01:39:42,576
Say it leaves important questions unanswered,

1433
01:39:42,740 --> 01:39:44,537
the evidence is inconclusive,

1434
01:39:44,700 --> 01:39:47,658
the figures are open to other interpretations,

1435
01:39:47,820 --> 01:39:51,335
that certain findings are contradictory,

1436
01:39:51,500 --> 01:39:55,254
and that some of the main
conclusions have been questioned.

1437
01:39:55,420 --> 01:39:58,696
- Suppose they haven't?
- Then question them!

1438
01:39:58,860 --> 01:40:00,771
Then they have!

1439
01:40:01,580 --> 01:40:04,890
But you'd have to go through it
with a fine-toothed comb.

1440
01:40:05,060 --> 01:40:09,212
No, no, no. You'd say all these
things without reading it.

1441
01:40:09,380 --> 01:40:11,496
There's always some questions unanswered.

1442
01:40:11,660 --> 01:40:14,777
- Such as?
- The ones that weren't asked.

1443
01:40:15,820 --> 01:40:18,573
- That's Stage Two?
- Yes. In Stage Three...

1444
01:40:18,740 --> 01:40:21,493
you undermine recommendations.

1445
01:40:21,660 --> 01:40:24,174
"Not a basis for long-term decisions."

1446
01:40:24,340 --> 01:40:29,573
"Not sufficient information
on which to base a valid assessment."

1447
01:40:29,740 --> 01:40:33,733
"Not really any need for
a fundamental rethink of policies."

1448
01:40:33,900 --> 01:40:37,893
"Broadly speaking,
endorses current practice." It's easy.

1449
01:40:38,060 --> 01:40:39,891
- That works?
- Nearly always.

1450
01:40:40,060 --> 01:40:42,813
- Suppose it doesn't?
- Move on to Stage Four.

1451
01:40:42,980 --> 01:40:47,735
- Stage Four?
- Discredit the man who produced the report.

1452
01:40:47,900 --> 01:40:49,492
Off the record.

1453
01:40:49,660 --> 01:40:53,699
Say that he's harbouring a grudge
against the Government

1454
01:40:53,860 --> 01:40:58,729
or, better still, that he used to be
a consultant to a multi-national company.

1455
01:40:58,900 --> 01:41:02,495
- Supposing he wasn't?
- Then he's hoping to be.

1456
01:41:02,660 --> 01:41:05,379
Everybody's hoping
to be a consultant to a multi-national.

1457
01:41:05,540 --> 01:41:10,819
Or he's trying for a knighthood
or vice-chancellorship.

1458
01:41:10,980 --> 01:41:13,574
There are endless possibilities.

1459
01:41:13,740 --> 01:41:15,139
Excuse me.

1460
01:41:15,300 --> 01:41:19,578
The press officer rang to say
there's an item on the news.

1461
01:41:19,740 --> 01:41:21,970
Yes, yes. Why wasn't I told?

1462
01:41:22,140 --> 01:41:25,337
The BCC aren't obliged to clear it with us.

1463
01:41:26,940 --> 01:41:30,250
<i>... a row has blown up on Merseyside</i>

1464
01:41:30,420 --> 01:41:34,493
<i>about a plan for the BCC</i>
<i>to manufacture propanol</i>

1465
01:41:34,660 --> 01:41:36,890
<i>under licence for the Italian government.</i>

1466
01:41:37,060 --> 01:41:39,733
<i>Apparently, propanol contains metadioxin,</i>

1467
01:41:39,900 --> 01:41:43,370
<i>which the BCC claims</i>
<i>to be completely harmless.</i>

1468
01:41:43,540 --> 01:41:46,008
<i>It is a compound of dioxin,</i>

1469
01:41:46,180 --> 01:41:52,255
<i>the chemical released</i>
<i>after an explosion at Seveso in July 1976,</i>

1470
01:41:52,420 --> 01:41:55,617
<i>spreading poisonous dust</i>
<i>over a 4-mile radius.</i>

1471
01:41:57,420 --> 01:42:02,335
<i>0n Merseyside, protesters voiced</i>
<i>their opposition to the BCC scheme</i>

1472
01:42:02,500 --> 01:42:04,411
<i>outside the factory gates.</i>

1473
01:42:04,580 --> 01:42:07,572
<i>(CR0WD SH0UTING AND JEERING)</i>

1474
01:42:10,580 --> 01:42:13,458
<i>I'll tell you what we'll do.</i>

1475
01:42:13,620 --> 01:42:17,613
<i>Sir Wally can take his poison</i>
<i>chemicals somewhere elsel</i>

1476
01:42:17,780 --> 01:42:19,850
<i>I've a daughter expecting a baby,</i>

1477
01:42:20,020 --> 01:42:24,411
<i>and my grandchild's not gonna be</i>
<i>deformed for them bloody Eyeties' sakel</i>

1478
01:42:26,060 --> 01:42:30,338
<i>If the Government cared about people,</i>
<i>they'd never allow itl</i>

1479
01:42:31,060 --> 01:42:35,212
<i>The BCC said a report</i>
<i>on the safety of propanol</i>

1480
01:42:35,380 --> 01:42:38,895
<i>was due to be published shortly</i>
<i>by the Department of Administrative Affairs.</i>

1481
01:42:39,540 --> 01:42:42,293
<i>And now abroad again...</i>

1482
01:42:45,020 --> 01:42:49,059
- This metadioxin is dynamite.
- It's totally harmless.

1483
01:42:49,220 --> 01:42:51,450
Only chemically, not politically.

1484
01:42:51,620 --> 01:42:55,090
- It can't hurt anyone.
- It could finish me off!

1485
01:42:56,100 --> 01:42:59,775
Yes? Minister, Number 10 on the phone.

1486
01:42:59,940 --> 01:43:04,013
The political office - the PM's just seen the news.

1487
01:43:10,980 --> 01:43:12,971
Hello, Jim here!

1488
01:43:13,820 --> 01:43:16,050
Yes, I just saw that, too.

1489
01:43:16,220 --> 01:43:20,498
We don't need to be too worried
about a little local difficulty.

1490
01:43:20,660 --> 01:43:24,369
Not in view of the jobs and exports...

1491
01:43:25,100 --> 01:43:27,091
No, not many jobs.

1492
01:43:28,020 --> 01:43:29,976
Ninety, I think.

1493
01:43:30,140 --> 01:43:31,937
Yes, but...

1494
01:43:32,500 --> 01:43:34,297
You do, do you?

1495
01:43:34,460 --> 01:43:36,416
Yes, well...

1496
01:43:36,580 --> 01:43:40,573
I was coming round to that viewpoint myself.

1497
01:43:46,580 --> 01:43:48,457
Humphrey...

1498
01:43:51,780 --> 01:43:54,897
- Something just struck me.
- I noticed.

1499
01:43:57,220 --> 01:43:59,336
There are arguments against this scheme.

1500
01:44:00,020 --> 01:44:04,935
- Minister, you've already agreed...
- It could lead to a loss of...

1501
01:44:05,100 --> 01:44:08,410
...public confidence.
- You mean votes?

1502
01:44:08,580 --> 01:44:14,098
Votes? No, no. It's not the votes
that are a consideration at all.

1503
01:44:14,260 --> 01:44:16,854
But you see, it's the public will.

1504
01:44:17,020 --> 01:44:18,738
This is a democracy...

1505
01:44:18,900 --> 01:44:22,688
- and the people don't like it.
- The people are ignorant and misguided.

1506
01:44:22,860 --> 01:44:25,579
It was the people who elected me!

1507
01:44:27,740 --> 01:44:30,857
In a week, the whole thing will have blown over,

1508
01:44:31,020 --> 01:44:35,457
and in a year's time,
we'll have a safe and successful factory.

1509
01:44:35,620 --> 01:44:37,178
A week's a long time in politics.

1510
01:44:37,340 --> 01:44:39,331
A year's a short time in Government.

1511
01:44:39,500 --> 01:44:42,617
You're in Government, I'm in politics
and the PM is not pleased.

1512
01:44:42,780 --> 01:44:46,853
- With the greatest respect...
- Going to insult me again?

1513
01:44:47,020 --> 01:44:49,090
You're putting party before country.

1514
01:44:49,260 --> 01:44:51,569
Can't you think of a new clich�?

1515
01:44:51,740 --> 01:44:56,655
Minister, a new clich� could be said
to be a contradiction in terms.

1516
01:44:56,820 --> 01:44:59,653
Humphrey, you lead a sheltered life.

1517
01:44:59,820 --> 01:45:02,254
I intend to survive and I'm not crossing the PM.

1518
01:45:02,420 --> 01:45:07,210
Why must you be so concerned
with climbing the greasy pole?

1519
01:45:07,380 --> 01:45:09,848
The greasy pole is important. I have to climb it.

1520
01:45:10,020 --> 01:45:11,931
Why?

1521
01:45:12,660 --> 01:45:14,537
'Cause it's there!

1522
01:45:17,220 --> 01:45:20,895
The editor of the Times, please.
Thank you, Bernard.

1523
01:45:24,740 --> 01:45:27,573
How come the Times knows
about the report before I do?

1524
01:45:27,740 --> 01:45:30,777
- There's been a leak.
- I know that!

1525
01:45:30,940 --> 01:45:34,455
It was "Confidential". I only got a draft last night.

1526
01:45:34,620 --> 01:45:36,929
- At least it wasn't "Restricted".
- Why?

1527
01:45:37,100 --> 01:45:40,410
"Restricted" means
it was in the papers yesterday.

1528
01:45:40,580 --> 01:45:44,539
"Confidential" means it won't be
in the papers till today.

1529
01:45:44,700 --> 01:45:46,531
Who leaked this? Humphrey?

1530
01:45:46,700 --> 01:45:49,772
- I'm sure he didn't, Minister.
- Are you?

1531
01:45:49,940 --> 01:45:53,171
- He probably didn't.
- No?

1532
01:45:53,340 --> 01:45:58,095
- It might have been someone else.
- These leaks are a disgrace!

1533
01:45:58,260 --> 01:46:02,219
- People think it's the politicians.
- It has been known.

1534
01:46:04,380 --> 01:46:08,089
In my opinion, we're far more
leaked against than leaking.

1535
01:46:08,900 --> 01:46:13,416
"Political cowardice to reject
the BCC proposal... craven expediency."

1536
01:46:13,580 --> 01:46:15,571
"Hacker has no choice."

1537
01:46:15,740 --> 01:46:18,129
Humphrey thinks he's got me committed!

1538
01:46:18,300 --> 01:46:22,339
It's an unofficial leak of a draft report.
You're committed to nothing.

1539
01:46:22,500 --> 01:46:25,572
Does the report give you a way out?

1540
01:46:26,420 --> 01:46:29,457
Sir Wally McFarlane is waiting to see you.

1541
01:46:29,620 --> 01:46:33,056
All right. But he's wasting his time.

1542
01:46:33,820 --> 01:46:37,210
- Come in, please, Sir Wally.
- Thank you. Morning.

1543
01:46:37,380 --> 01:46:39,814
- Morning.
- May I join you, Minister?

1544
01:46:41,260 --> 01:46:45,014
- If you like. Do sit down.
- Thank you, Jim.

1545
01:46:45,180 --> 01:46:48,172
- Now...
- Thank you, Bernard.

1546
01:46:50,140 --> 01:46:52,495
Sorry about that.

1547
01:46:52,660 --> 01:46:57,336
I see from the press the Henderson
Report comes clearly on our side.

1548
01:46:57,500 --> 01:47:02,528
- I've seen that, too.
- That committee leaks like a sieve.

1549
01:47:02,700 --> 01:47:07,091
So there's no real case for refusing
permission for the new plant.

1550
01:47:07,580 --> 01:47:10,572
- I'm not sure yet.
- Now look, Jim...

1551
01:47:10,740 --> 01:47:15,609
We've been working on this
for two years, it's very important.

1552
01:47:15,780 --> 01:47:22,049
I'm the chairman, and I tell you
as a chemist, metadioxin is safe.

1553
01:47:22,220 --> 01:47:24,529
You experts always think you're right.

1554
01:47:24,700 --> 01:47:28,534
The more inexpert you are,
the more likely you are to be right?

1555
01:47:28,700 --> 01:47:30,497
Ministers are not experts.

1556
01:47:30,660 --> 01:47:33,777
They're chosen because they know nothing.

1557
01:47:33,940 --> 01:47:36,090
You admit that?

1558
01:47:36,260 --> 01:47:38,251
Nothing about technical details.

1559
01:47:38,620 --> 01:47:43,250
Ministers must take a broader view,
that's why I cannot commit yet.

1560
01:47:43,420 --> 01:47:44,978
Look, Hacker!

1561
01:47:45,140 --> 01:47:49,292
This is the wrong decision and you know it.
It's cowardly and craven!

1562
01:47:49,460 --> 01:47:52,691
- I am not cowardly...
- Sit down!

1563
01:47:52,860 --> 01:47:58,014
You'll lose a few votes from a few
people in those constituencies?

1564
01:47:58,180 --> 01:48:00,296
- It's pathetic!
- It's politics!

1565
01:48:00,460 --> 01:48:01,779
Exactly!

1566
01:48:01,940 --> 01:48:05,216
I'll be writing to the Secretary
of State for Industry.

1567
01:48:05,380 --> 01:48:08,690
I am prepared to resign if you block this one!

1568
01:48:14,860 --> 01:48:18,091
How do you feel that went, Minister?

1569
01:48:19,140 --> 01:48:22,291
- We'll have to get another chairman.
- Get another?!

1570
01:48:22,460 --> 01:48:25,020
Nobody would accept a job like that!

1571
01:48:25,180 --> 01:48:29,856
Nobody wants to be chairman
of a nationalised industry! Instant ruin!

1572
01:48:30,020 --> 01:48:34,491
They may as well accept the golden
handshake the day they start.

1573
01:48:34,660 --> 01:48:38,255
- We'll find someone.
- Some useless American geriatric.

1574
01:48:38,420 --> 01:48:39,978
Not necessarily.

1575
01:48:40,140 --> 01:48:43,371
How do you expect to find
a decent replacement,

1576
01:48:43,540 --> 01:48:47,294
when we forced his predecessor
to resign for taking a sound decision,

1577
01:48:47,460 --> 01:48:49,576
which we blocked for political reasons?

1578
01:48:49,740 --> 01:48:53,574
- I have no choice.
- A Minister can do what he likes.

1579
01:48:53,740 --> 01:48:59,531
It's the people's will.
I am their leader. I must follow them.

1580
01:49:01,700 --> 01:49:03,611
My hands are clean.

1581
01:49:03,780 --> 01:49:07,409
I thought it was rather difficult
to keep one's hands clean

1582
01:49:07,580 --> 01:49:09,969
while climbing the greasy pole.

1583
01:49:11,700 --> 01:49:14,089
We must stop Wally making a fuss.

1584
01:49:14,260 --> 01:49:17,058
Press conferences accusing me of lack of faith.

1585
01:49:17,220 --> 01:49:20,769
- Interviews on Panorama.
- What am I to do?

1586
01:49:20,940 --> 01:49:25,570
If I stop the scheme, the Times will
accuse me of political cowardice.

1587
01:49:25,740 --> 01:49:30,734
If I let it go ahead, the Mirror
will say I'm murdering unborn babies.

1588
01:49:30,900 --> 01:49:34,893
If only the report had any doubt
about the safety of metadioxin.

1589
01:49:35,060 --> 01:49:39,212
- Are you sure it doesn't, Minister?
- Not as it stands.

1590
01:49:39,380 --> 01:49:42,736
- Henderson's a Cambridge man?
- Yes.

1591
01:49:42,900 --> 01:49:45,812
- Which college?
- King's. Why?

1592
01:49:46,500 --> 01:49:49,697
Nothing. Just wondered
if it was my old college.

1593
01:49:49,860 --> 01:49:53,057
Weren't you at the LSE?

1594
01:49:54,580 --> 01:49:56,775
Yes, so I was.

1595
01:49:56,940 --> 01:49:59,500
- Have you got his file?
- It's with the report.

1596
01:49:59,660 --> 01:50:02,174
- Got a Cambridge telephone...?
- You do realise -

1597
01:50:02,340 --> 01:50:04,331
not that you have any such intention -

1598
01:50:04,500 --> 01:50:08,573
but it would be most improper to influence
an independent report of this nature?

1599
01:50:08,740 --> 01:50:10,856
Most improper! Out of the question.

1600
01:50:11,020 --> 01:50:14,979
Just it might be nice to pop down
to have tea with my old friend,

1601
01:50:15,140 --> 01:50:19,019
R.A. Crichton, Provost of King's.
Get him on the phone.

1602
01:50:19,180 --> 01:50:22,092
Yes, Minister.
Get me King's College, Cambridge.

1603
01:50:22,260 --> 01:50:26,970
Who knows? Professor Henderson
might drop in for tea.

1604
01:50:27,140 --> 01:50:29,654
That'd be a happy coincidence, wouldn't it?

1605
01:50:29,820 --> 01:50:33,733
- Perfectly natural.
- Nothing improper about that.

1606
01:50:33,900 --> 01:50:37,415
- How can a coincidence be improper?
- My feeling entirely.

1607
01:50:37,580 --> 01:50:38,899
(PHONE RINGS)

1608
01:50:39,060 --> 01:50:40,573
Yes?

1609
01:50:41,940 --> 01:50:43,453
Lord Crichton, please.

1610
01:50:54,460 --> 01:50:57,372
How's the move
from the Commons to the Lords?

1611
01:50:57,540 --> 01:51:00,896
Like moving from animals to vegetables.

1612
01:51:01,060 --> 01:51:04,211
- Professor Henderson's here.
- Good to see you.

1613
01:51:04,380 --> 01:51:07,019
Come and meet an old friend,
Jim Hacker.

1614
01:51:07,180 --> 01:51:11,332
- Jim, this is Professor Henderson.
- Professor Henderson!

1615
01:51:11,500 --> 01:51:13,650
I didn't expect to see the Minister.

1616
01:51:13,820 --> 01:51:17,779
- What a coincidence!
- Yes, what a coincidence!

1617
01:51:17,940 --> 01:51:20,215
- You know each other?
- We haven't met.

1618
01:51:20,380 --> 01:51:24,498
- I'm writing a report for him.
- Well, what a coincidence.

1619
01:51:24,660 --> 01:51:28,175
- Yes, what a coincidence!
- Extraordinary coincidence.

1620
01:51:28,340 --> 01:51:32,128
- You're happy with my report?
- Absolutely. Delighted.

1621
01:51:32,300 --> 01:51:36,213
- You must've worked very hard.
- Most of it was done by Washington.

1622
01:51:36,380 --> 01:51:39,690
Excuse me, I'll go and help with the tea.

1623
01:51:39,860 --> 01:51:43,375
Tell me, have you ever written
a Government report before?

1624
01:51:43,540 --> 01:51:47,772
- No.
- Your name will be on it forever.

1625
01:51:47,940 --> 01:51:49,259
"Henderson Report".

1626
01:51:49,420 --> 01:51:53,129
- It's a kind of immortality.
- I hadn't thought of it like that.

1627
01:51:53,740 --> 01:51:57,176
- But if it were to go wrong...
- Go wrong?

1628
01:51:57,740 --> 01:52:02,370
If this metadioxin isn't as safe as you say...

1629
01:52:02,540 --> 01:52:04,019
your career...

1630
01:52:04,180 --> 01:52:06,614
Very courageous!

1631
01:52:06,780 --> 01:52:11,012
None of the standard tests show
any evidence of teratogenic toxicity.

1632
01:52:12,300 --> 01:52:15,895
- Standard tests? Quite.
- What do you mean?

1633
01:52:16,060 --> 01:52:20,815
Well, I was making a few notes
on the train coming down.

1634
01:52:20,980 --> 01:52:23,813
I'm not a biochemist, but it would appear

1635
01:52:23,980 --> 01:52:29,293
that the US report leaves some
important questions unanswered.

1636
01:52:29,460 --> 01:52:33,339
Some of the evidence is inconclusive,
some findings have been questioned,

1637
01:52:33,500 --> 01:52:36,014
the figures are open to interpretation,

1638
01:52:36,180 --> 01:52:41,618
and different results might come
from a more detailed study.

1639
01:52:41,780 --> 01:52:46,251
- Obviously, but...
- But if anything did go wrong,

1640
01:52:46,420 --> 01:52:50,208
a delayed effect, the press
would go straight to your report.

1641
01:52:51,140 --> 01:52:55,611
And if it turned out that you'd ever done...

1642
01:52:55,780 --> 01:52:59,819
...laboratory trials
for a multi-national drug company...

1643
01:52:59,980 --> 01:53:03,734
- That was 15 years ago.
- 14.

1644
01:53:03,900 --> 01:53:06,255
You know what the press is like.

1645
01:53:06,420 --> 01:53:10,493
No smoke without a fire.
It could be a millstone!

1646
01:53:10,660 --> 01:53:14,972
The popular press would be merciless,
if anything went wrong:

1647
01:53:15,140 --> 01:53:18,610
"Death Agony
of Henderson Report Victims."

1648
01:53:18,780 --> 01:53:20,691
Yes...

1649
01:53:20,860 --> 01:53:22,259
Yes...!

1650
01:53:23,380 --> 01:53:25,450
I don't know what to do!

1651
01:53:25,620 --> 01:53:29,818
I can't alter the evidence,
the report says it's a safe drug.

1652
01:53:29,980 --> 01:53:33,734
- Quite. I see you have no choice.
- Stop talking shop.

1653
01:53:33,900 --> 01:53:37,893
Our Professor of Economics
is dying to talk to you.

1654
01:53:42,260 --> 01:53:46,572
You're not worried about this report?
I've done lots of these things.

1655
01:53:46,740 --> 01:53:51,211
It's the phrasing of the conclusion,
that's all the press ever read.

1656
01:53:51,380 --> 01:53:53,450
Now... how does it end?

1657
01:53:53,620 --> 01:53:59,377
"On existing evidence, the committee
can see no reason not to proceed."

1658
01:53:59,540 --> 01:54:04,011
Well, it's just a question
of a tidy bit of re-drafting.

1659
01:54:04,180 --> 01:54:10,619
"While the committee feel there's no reason
not to proceed on existing evidence,

1660
01:54:10,780 --> 01:54:15,649
"it must be emphasised that
metadioxin is a recent compound,

1661
01:54:15,820 --> 01:54:20,098
"and it would be irresponsible
to deny, after further research,

1662
01:54:20,260 --> 01:54:25,015
"its manufacture might be proved
to be associated with health risks."

1663
01:54:25,180 --> 01:54:28,695
Yes, that seems perfectly fair.

1664
01:54:29,700 --> 01:54:32,294
Could you just say that again?

1665
01:54:32,460 --> 01:54:35,611
Better than that... I'll jot it down for you.

1666
01:54:35,780 --> 01:54:38,692
<i>The Minister for Administrative</i>
<i>Affairs, James Hacker,</i>

1667
01:54:38,860 --> 01:54:44,253
<i>has announced he'll not give approval</i>
<i>for the BCC to make propanol.</i>

1668
01:54:44,420 --> 01:54:47,776
<i>The Henderson Committee,</i>
<i>while generally approving the drug,</i>

1669
01:54:47,940 --> 01:54:52,536
<i>said it could not deny that future</i>
<i>research might disclose risks.</i>

1670
01:54:52,700 --> 01:54:55,009
(CROWDS CHEERING)

1671
01:54:55,540 --> 01:55:00,216
<i>Mr Hacker made his announcement</i>
<i>today while visiting BCC's factory,</i>

1672
01:55:00,380 --> 01:55:03,975
<i>where he was greeted</i>
<i>by an enthusiastic crowd.</i>

1673
01:55:04,540 --> 01:55:08,169
<i>And now sport.</i>
<i>Following last night's defeat...</i>

1674
01:55:09,100 --> 01:55:10,453
Well, Minister?

1675
01:55:10,620 --> 01:55:12,338
Well, Humphrey?

1676
01:55:12,500 --> 01:55:15,333
- Do you feel like a hero?
- Indeed I do.

1677
01:55:15,500 --> 01:55:19,493
- And Number 10 will be delighted.
- One of the worst decisions ever!

1678
01:55:19,660 --> 01:55:22,538
And one of the best political decisions I've made.

1679
01:55:23,500 --> 01:55:26,014
What do you think, Bernard?

1680
01:55:26,180 --> 01:55:27,613
Well...

1681
01:55:27,780 --> 01:55:32,854
bearing everything in mind
and after due consideration...

1682
01:55:33,020 --> 01:55:36,217
considering all the implications
and points of view...

1683
01:55:36,380 --> 01:55:42,012
well, in other words,
in fact, I am bound to say...

1684
01:55:42,180 --> 01:55:45,729
you look awfully good on television, Minister.

1685
01:55:45,900 --> 01:55:49,654
Humphrey, can we manage a CBE for Henderson?

1686
01:55:49,820 --> 01:55:53,733
Certainly not! He's unreliable
and lacking in judgement.

1687
01:55:53,900 --> 01:55:57,893
I can't think why he cast doubt
on his whole report in that final paragraph.

1688
01:55:58,060 --> 01:56:02,690
I think he has excellent judgement,
enormous stature and great charm.

1689
01:56:08,380 --> 01:56:11,019
I thought you said you'd never met him.

1690
01:56:12,060 --> 01:56:14,620
I meant intellectual stature, Humphrey.

1691
01:56:14,780 --> 01:56:16,771
And charm?

1692
01:56:18,140 --> 01:56:20,938
He writes with charm.

1693
01:56:22,060 --> 01:56:23,652
Doesn't he, Bernard?

1694
01:56:23,820 --> 01:56:26,812
Oh, yes, Minister.

1695
01:57:55,075 --> 01:57:57,225
It's absolutely intolerable.

1696
01:57:57,395 --> 01:57:59,625
- Yes, Minister.
- Quite so, Minister.

1697
01:57:59,795 --> 01:58:05,267
Each separate department about to order
different word-processing equipment,

1698
01:58:05,435 --> 01:58:11,783
and I persuaded them to place
one big central order for everyone -

1699
01:58:11,955 --> 01:58:16,824
big enough for UK manufacturers
to invest in systems development.

1700
01:58:16,995 --> 01:58:19,384
- Yes, Minister.
- I don't have to tell you.

1701
01:58:19,555 --> 01:58:21,034
No, Minister.

1702
01:58:21,195 --> 01:58:25,552
Months of negotiation and we were
on the eve of a press announcement:

1703
01:58:25,715 --> 01:58:28,912
"Hacker's massive investment
in modern technology."

1704
01:58:29,075 --> 01:58:31,953
"Jim's vote of confidence in British industry."

1705
01:58:32,115 --> 01:58:34,629
"'Britain can make it,' says Jim."

1706
01:58:34,795 --> 01:58:36,353
Quite so.

1707
01:58:36,515 --> 01:58:41,430
And now this directive from Brussels
saying all EEC members

1708
01:58:41,595 --> 01:58:45,793
must conform to some niggling European
word-processing standards;

1709
01:58:45,955 --> 01:58:50,153
that we have to agree
to the plans of committees

1710
01:58:50,315 --> 01:58:54,866
at the forthcoming European
Word-Processing Conference in Brussels.

1711
01:58:55,955 --> 01:58:58,230
Well, say something!

1712
01:59:00,195 --> 01:59:02,390
- Yes, Minister.
- Quite so.

1713
01:59:03,555 --> 01:59:05,068
Is that all?

1714
01:59:05,235 --> 01:59:10,150
I'm afraid that's the penalty we pay
for pretending we're Europeans.

1715
01:59:10,315 --> 01:59:12,783
I fully understand your hostility to Europe.

1716
01:59:12,955 --> 01:59:17,233
I'm not like you, Humphrey.
I'm pro-Europe, just anti-Brussels.

1717
01:59:17,395 --> 01:59:20,467
I sometimes think
you're anti-Europe and pro-Brussels.

1718
01:59:20,635 --> 01:59:23,229
I'm neither pro- nor anti- anything.

1719
01:59:23,395 --> 01:59:28,185
I'm merely a humble vessel
for the fruits of your deliberations.

1720
01:59:28,355 --> 01:59:32,951
It could be argued that given
the absurdity of the European idea,

1721
01:59:33,115 --> 01:59:36,551
that Brussels does its best
to defend the indefensible

1722
01:59:36,715 --> 01:59:40,833
- and make the unworkable work.
- That's not true, Humphrey!

1723
01:59:40,995 --> 01:59:45,273
Without sounding pompous, we must
avoid narrow national self-interest.

1724
01:59:45,435 --> 01:59:47,744
- It doesn't sound pompous...
- Good.

1725
01:59:47,915 --> 01:59:49,507
Merely inaccurate.

1726
01:59:51,115 --> 01:59:53,390
Listen, humble vessel,

1727
01:59:53,555 --> 01:59:57,389
Europe is a community of nations
dedicated towards one goal.

1728
01:59:59,235 --> 02:00:01,146
May we share the joke?

1729
02:00:01,315 --> 02:00:03,624
Minister, let's look at this objectively.

1730
02:00:03,795 --> 02:00:08,550
It's a game played for national interests.
Why did we go into it?

1731
02:00:08,715 --> 02:00:11,627
To strengthen the free Western nations.

1732
02:00:11,795 --> 02:00:16,107
We went in to screw the French
by splitting them from the Germans.

1733
02:00:16,675 --> 02:00:21,874
- Why did the French go in?
- To protect their farmers from competition.

1734
02:00:22,035 --> 02:00:26,187
- And the Germans?
- To cleanse themselves of genocide

1735
02:00:26,355 --> 02:00:29,233
and apply for re-admission to the human race.

1736
02:00:29,395 --> 02:00:31,590
I've never heard such cynicism!

1737
02:00:31,755 --> 02:00:34,428
The small nations didn't join for selfish reasons.

1738
02:00:34,595 --> 02:00:37,587
Really? Luxembourg is in it for the perks.

1739
02:00:37,755 --> 02:00:41,543
The EEC capital,
all that foreign money pouring in.

1740
02:00:41,715 --> 02:00:43,512
A sensible central location.

1741
02:00:43,675 --> 02:00:47,111
With the administration in Brussels
and the Parliament in Strasbourg?

1742
02:00:47,275 --> 02:00:52,508
Minister! It's like having the Commons
in Swindon and the Civil Service in Kettering!

1743
02:00:53,315 --> 02:00:58,105
Why do other nations try to get in?
Take the Greeks...

1744
02:00:58,275 --> 02:01:04,384
I find it difficult to take the Greeks,
open-minded as I am about foreigners.

1745
02:01:05,435 --> 02:01:08,825
They'll want an olive mountain and a retsina lake.

1746
02:01:08,995 --> 02:01:10,792
I don't accept this!

1747
02:01:10,955 --> 02:01:15,187
I'm sorry. I suppose some
of your best friends are Greeks?

1748
02:01:15,355 --> 02:01:16,834
(MINISTER) Very droll.

1749
02:01:17,835 --> 02:01:21,032
The problem isn't internationalism
but too much bureaucracy.

1750
02:01:21,195 --> 02:01:24,551
The bureaucracy is a consequence
of the internationalism.

1751
02:01:24,715 --> 02:01:27,309
Why else is there an English Commissioner,

1752
02:01:27,475 --> 02:01:33,266
a French Director-General below him,
an Italian Chef-du-Division and so on?

1753
02:01:33,435 --> 02:01:36,507
- It's like the Tower of Babel.
- I agree.

1754
02:01:36,675 --> 02:01:38,950
- Like the United Nations.
- I agree.

1755
02:01:39,115 --> 02:01:42,266
If I may interject?
You are in fact in agreement.

1756
02:01:42,435 --> 02:01:44,630
(BOTH) No, we're not.

1757
02:01:44,795 --> 02:01:50,552
They say the average Common Market official
has the organising ability of the Italians,

1758
02:01:50,715 --> 02:01:54,628
the flexibility of the Germans,
the modesty of the French,

1759
02:01:54,795 --> 02:01:58,071
the imagination of the Belgians,
the generosity of the Dutch

1760
02:01:58,235 --> 02:02:00,351
and the intelligence of the Irish!

1761
02:02:00,515 --> 02:02:03,473
- It's all a gravy train!
- How do you mean?

1762
02:02:03,635 --> 02:02:09,346
They live on champagne and caviar.
Chauffer-driven Mercedes, private aeroplanes.

1763
02:02:09,515 --> 02:02:15,147
Every official has his snout in the trough,
and most of them their trotters as well!

1764
02:02:15,315 --> 02:02:21,265
Oh, I beg to differ. Brussels is full
of hard-working public servants

1765
02:02:21,435 --> 02:02:24,507
enduring exhausting travel
and tedious entertainment.

1766
02:02:24,675 --> 02:02:29,191
Working their way through smoked salmon,
forcing back all that champagne!

1767
02:02:30,435 --> 02:02:35,463
- You're blaming the wrong people.
- What do you mean?

1768
02:02:35,635 --> 02:02:41,824
One of your Cabinet colleagues
warned Brussels of your plan for bulk buying,

1769
02:02:41,995 --> 02:02:44,828
which is why the directive appeared so quickly.

1770
02:02:45,155 --> 02:02:50,309
Cabinet colleagues?
Don't tell me! Bloody Corbett again!

1771
02:02:51,995 --> 02:02:55,305
When I think of Corbett, I warm to Judas Iscariot!

1772
02:02:56,315 --> 02:03:00,786
Yes, it was the Secretary of State
for Trade and Industry.

1773
02:03:00,955 --> 02:03:07,144
Treacherous, disloyal, arrogant,
self-opinionated, publicity-seeking creep!

1774
02:03:07,755 --> 02:03:09,825
I'm sorry if that sounds harsh.

1775
02:03:10,635 --> 02:03:15,868
Compared to what his Permanent Secretary says,
that's a generous tribute.

1776
02:03:16,595 --> 02:03:19,234
- How did he do it?
- Who knows?

1777
02:03:19,395 --> 02:03:21,113
The evening paper, Minister.

1778
02:03:21,275 --> 02:03:25,268
Whenever Corbett comes near me,
I feel stabbing pains in the back.

1779
02:03:25,435 --> 02:03:27,824
Why did you give me this, Bernard?

1780
02:03:27,995 --> 02:03:30,065
- Just there.
- Oh, yes.

1781
02:03:30,235 --> 02:03:33,466
Good God! Cabinet reshuffle!

1782
02:03:34,395 --> 02:03:38,308
"It's rumoured that the PM will
announce important Cabinet changes

1783
02:03:38,475 --> 02:03:40,943
"before the end of the present session."

1784
02:03:41,635 --> 02:03:45,708
Why didn't I know about this?
How do they know? Is this true?

1785
02:03:45,875 --> 02:03:50,790
I'm only a humble civil servant,
I do not move in such exalted circles

1786
02:03:50,955 --> 02:03:53,230
as Cabinet Ministers and journalists.

1787
02:03:53,395 --> 02:03:55,704
- But is it true?
- Yes.

1788
02:03:56,795 --> 02:03:58,831
How do you know?

1789
02:03:58,995 --> 02:04:01,225
I mean, it's true that it's rumoured.

1790
02:04:02,275 --> 02:04:06,871
A Cabinet reshuffle! I've hardly started
to do the things that I... we...

1791
02:04:07,035 --> 02:04:09,788
Perhaps you won't be moved, Minister.

1792
02:04:09,955 --> 02:04:14,471
Ah... If I'm not, it means my career
isn't moving forward as it should.

1793
02:04:14,635 --> 02:04:17,468
At least it's not moving backwards.

1794
02:04:17,635 --> 02:04:22,106
Backwards? You don't mean...? Good God! But I...

1795
02:04:22,275 --> 02:04:27,554
It's not... I mean, it's...
I've been doing all right, haven't I?

1796
02:04:27,715 --> 02:04:30,673
- We've done all right?
- You've done all right.

1797
02:04:30,835 --> 02:04:33,508
- We've done all right?
- Yes, Minister.

1798
02:04:33,675 --> 02:04:38,703
I may not be the outstanding success
of this administration, but I'm not a failure.

1799
02:04:38,875 --> 02:04:43,744
- You've done all right.
- I've been quite successful.

1800
02:04:44,635 --> 02:04:49,504
If Martin were moved to the Treasury,
I could get the Foreign Office!

1801
02:04:54,235 --> 02:04:55,907
Perhaps you might.

1802
02:04:56,075 --> 02:04:58,384
- You don't sound very certain.
- I'm not.

1803
02:04:58,555 --> 02:05:02,434
- What have you heard?
- Nothing, it's why I'm not certain.

1804
02:05:02,595 --> 02:05:06,747
- Why does Bob Carver know?
- Perhaps he has the PM's ear.

1805
02:05:06,915 --> 02:05:11,306
- He's in the PM's pocket.
- Then the PM must have a large ear.

1806
02:05:13,795 --> 02:05:17,504
Right, well... Let's not worry about it any more.

1807
02:05:21,675 --> 02:05:26,305
- We'll say no more about it.
- Yes, Minister. I mean, no, Minister.

1808
02:05:26,475 --> 02:05:29,467
There's no point worrying about it, is there?

1809
02:05:32,675 --> 02:05:35,189
- Nothing to worry about, is there?
- No, Minister.

1810
02:05:35,355 --> 02:05:38,825
Shall we attend the Brussels conference?
We should.

1811
02:05:38,995 --> 02:05:41,190
But if the PM should move Fred...?

1812
02:05:41,355 --> 02:05:43,869
Shall we attend the conference in Brussels?

1813
02:05:44,035 --> 02:05:47,584
- What?
- Word-processing.

1814
02:05:47,755 --> 02:05:52,112
Ah! Well, does it take place
before or after the reshuffle?

1815
02:05:52,275 --> 02:05:57,065
- Who can say?
- Well, no. I've known this happen before.

1816
02:05:57,235 --> 02:06:01,148
One day you're out of your office,
the next you're out of office.

1817
02:06:01,315 --> 02:06:03,510
This is no time for an idiotic foreign junket!

1818
02:06:03,675 --> 02:06:07,668
Minister, you mustn't allow
the reshuffle to prey on your mind.

1819
02:06:07,835 --> 02:06:10,065
It's not preying on my mind.

1820
02:06:11,075 --> 02:06:14,033
- I'm not thinking any more about it.
- Splendid.

1821
02:06:14,195 --> 02:06:18,871
Meet me at 6 o'clock in the House
of shuffles... cards... Commons.

1822
02:06:25,035 --> 02:06:27,788
- Good evening, Sir Humphrey.
- Good evening, Major.

1823
02:06:30,195 --> 02:06:33,744
Arnold, when will we know about the reshuffle?

1824
02:06:33,915 --> 02:06:35,826
A little while yet.

1825
02:06:35,995 --> 02:06:38,111
Any news yet about my department?

1826
02:06:38,275 --> 02:06:43,986
I'm only Cabinet Secretary,
not political correspondent of the New Standard.

1827
02:06:44,995 --> 02:06:47,509
But how does my Minister stand?

1828
02:06:47,675 --> 02:06:50,792
I think the PM feels he's done all right.

1829
02:06:50,955 --> 02:06:54,425
But there's been an interesting development.

1830
02:06:54,595 --> 02:06:57,063
- Mmm?
- Mmm.

1831
02:06:57,715 --> 02:06:59,785
Aahh!

1832
02:07:02,195 --> 02:07:03,992
What?

1833
02:07:05,315 --> 02:07:10,435
Brussels have asked if he'd be available
for the next commissionership, if he wanted it.

1834
02:07:10,595 --> 02:07:12,904
After all, he's a good European.

1835
02:07:13,075 --> 02:07:15,509
In strict confidence, of course.

1836
02:07:15,675 --> 02:07:17,825
Is he being gently eased out?

1837
02:07:17,995 --> 02:07:19,906
Sir Humphrey, Sir Arnold.

1838
02:07:20,075 --> 02:07:22,384
There you are, Bernard.

1839
02:07:22,555 --> 02:07:25,308
Right. Would you like a coffee, Bernard?

1840
02:07:25,475 --> 02:07:27,943
- Thank you.
- Pull up a chair.

1841
02:07:32,035 --> 02:07:35,744
Well, Bernard, how do you feel
about having a new Minister?

1842
02:07:35,915 --> 02:07:39,112
- You mean, he's...
- No, Sir Humphrey is conjecturing.

1843
02:07:39,275 --> 02:07:42,187
Ah, of course, I'd be very sorry.

1844
02:07:43,995 --> 02:07:47,749
Er... Why? Wouldn't you?

1845
02:07:48,515 --> 02:07:50,107
Of course not!

1846
02:07:50,275 --> 02:07:52,948
- But he's getting a grip on the job.
- Exactly!

1847
02:07:53,115 --> 02:07:56,152
Ministers with a grip on the job are a nuisance.

1848
02:07:56,315 --> 02:07:58,875
- They argue.
- All Ministers argue.

1849
02:07:59,035 --> 02:08:04,473
If they have a grip on the job,
there's a real danger they'll be right.

1850
02:08:05,915 --> 02:08:10,147
One tells them something is impossible
and they dig out an old paper

1851
02:08:10,315 --> 02:08:13,546
in which one had said it was easy -
very tedious.

1852
02:08:13,715 --> 02:08:18,231
Once they've gone, one can wipe
the slate clean and start with a new boy.

1853
02:08:18,395 --> 02:08:22,229
Wonderful things, reshuffles.
And Prime Ministers like them too.

1854
02:08:22,395 --> 02:08:25,751
Fresh, decisive, keeps everyone on the hop.

1855
02:08:25,915 --> 02:08:27,826
Only Ministers panic about them.

1856
02:08:28,715 --> 02:08:31,309
Wouldn't it be interesting if Ministers were fixed

1857
02:08:31,475 --> 02:08:33,864
and Permanent Secretaries were shuffled around.

1858
02:08:40,035 --> 02:08:44,108
That, Bernard, would strike
at the very heart of the system

1859
02:08:44,275 --> 02:08:47,551
that has made Britain what she is today.

1860
02:08:47,715 --> 02:08:49,626
Power goes with permanence.

1861
02:08:49,795 --> 02:08:53,583
- Impermanence is impotence.
- Rotation is castration.

1862
02:08:53,755 --> 02:08:55,746
It's time they all had a little spin.

1863
02:08:56,715 --> 02:08:59,229
Yes, but surely in a democracy...

1864
02:08:59,395 --> 02:09:01,863
Thank you, Bernard, that'll be all.

1865
02:09:02,035 --> 02:09:04,947
- Yes, but I've only...
- Thank you, Bernard.

1866
02:09:05,115 --> 02:09:07,310
Yes, thank you, Sir Humphrey.

1867
02:09:07,475 --> 02:09:09,943
Good night, Sir Arnold.

1868
02:09:15,315 --> 02:09:20,435
If your Minister does take Brussels,
I wouldn't get out the champagne too soon.

1869
02:09:21,435 --> 02:09:26,225
- What do you mean?
- There is talk of his possible successor.

1870
02:09:27,995 --> 02:09:29,314
Who?

1871
02:09:29,475 --> 02:09:32,433
I don't know how to put this, but, well...

1872
02:09:32,595 --> 02:09:34,426
...Basil Corbett.

1873
02:09:41,035 --> 02:09:43,868
What's the matter, darling? Jim?

1874
02:09:45,315 --> 02:09:47,271
- Jim!
- I'm sorry.

1875
02:09:47,435 --> 02:09:50,984
- Something wrong?
- No, nothing, really.

1876
02:09:51,155 --> 02:09:52,952
Something is.

1877
02:09:53,115 --> 02:09:55,390
The papers are full of a reshuffle.

1878
02:09:55,555 --> 02:09:57,625
- Are they true?
- I don't know.

1879
02:09:57,795 --> 02:10:01,424
- You're in the Cabinet.
- We're the last to find out.

1880
02:10:01,595 --> 02:10:03,984
- Can't you ask the PM?
- Of course not.

1881
02:10:04,155 --> 02:10:07,591
- Why not?
- Well... I just can't.

1882
02:10:07,795 --> 02:10:12,391
- It would look as if I were insecure.
- I see.

1883
02:10:12,555 --> 02:10:16,912
I don't know whether it's good
or bad news, whether I'm up or down.

1884
02:10:17,075 --> 02:10:18,713
Or round and round.

1885
02:10:18,875 --> 02:10:22,231
I don't know whether I'm a success or failure.

1886
02:10:22,395 --> 02:10:26,513
- What do you think?
- I think you've done all right.

1887
02:10:27,155 --> 02:10:29,305
- Is that good enough?
- I don't know.

1888
02:10:29,475 --> 02:10:33,024
- I don't know, is it?
- I don't know.

1889
02:10:33,195 --> 02:10:37,234
It's difficult to tell. The PM might think
I've been too successful.

1890
02:10:37,395 --> 02:10:39,750
You know, a challenge to the leadership.

1891
02:10:39,915 --> 02:10:41,507
You?!

1892
02:10:43,555 --> 02:10:47,230
No, not me, but Martin with my support.

1893
02:10:47,395 --> 02:10:50,467
If the PM is standing by to repel boarders,

1894
02:10:50,635 --> 02:10:53,433
and Martin can't be got rid of safely,

1895
02:10:53,595 --> 02:10:57,588
which he can't as Foreign Secretary,
I'm the obvious one for demotion.

1896
02:10:57,755 --> 02:11:00,633
- Isolate Martin.
- Where would you be sent?

1897
02:11:00,795 --> 02:11:03,355
There's no shortage of useless non-jobs.

1898
02:11:03,515 --> 02:11:07,588
Lord President, Lord Privy Seal...
Minister of Sport...

1899
02:11:09,395 --> 02:11:12,910
...with special responsibility
for droughts and floods.

1900
02:11:13,715 --> 02:11:15,865
Maybe you'll get promotion, darling.

1901
02:11:16,035 --> 02:11:19,027
Maybe... Don't forget there's Basil Corbett.

1902
02:11:19,195 --> 02:11:22,073
- He's out to get me.
- To get everyone.

1903
02:11:22,235 --> 02:11:26,148
He's a smooth-tongued, hard-nosed,
cold-eyed, two-faced creep.

1904
02:11:26,315 --> 02:11:28,545
Why's he so successful?

1905
02:11:28,715 --> 02:11:30,706
Because he's a smooth-tongued, hard-nosed,

1906
02:11:30,875 --> 02:11:32,786
cold-eyed, two-faced creep.

1907
02:11:32,955 --> 02:11:35,947
- Apart from that?
- He looks OK on TV.

1908
02:11:36,115 --> 02:11:38,424
- So do you!
- Do I?

1909
02:11:38,595 --> 02:11:41,063
- Yes!
- Really mean that?

1910
02:11:41,235 --> 02:11:44,193
- Yes.
- What a nice thing to say!

1911
02:11:45,075 --> 02:11:48,033
I've got to elbow Corbett or he'll elbow me.

1912
02:11:48,195 --> 02:11:51,153
Elbows, the most important
weapon in a politician's armoury.

1913
02:11:51,315 --> 02:11:56,469
- Other than integrity.
- Integrity?!

1914
02:11:57,955 --> 02:11:59,752
(TELEPHONE RINGS)

1915
02:12:02,835 --> 02:12:04,154
Yes?

1916
02:12:04,315 --> 02:12:07,944
Who's speaking? Hold on.
It's Gaston Larousse from Brussels.

1917
02:12:08,115 --> 02:12:10,106
From Brussels?

1918
02:12:12,675 --> 02:12:15,712
Bonsoir, Commissionaire... Commissar...

1919
02:12:18,315 --> 02:12:19,634
Si...

1920
02:12:21,195 --> 02:12:23,231
That's very interesting.

1921
02:12:23,395 --> 02:12:26,626
I shall need a little time to think about it.

1922
02:12:26,795 --> 02:12:28,945
I'm very honoured.

1923
02:12:29,115 --> 02:12:34,269
Does Numero Dix know
you're talking to me about this?

1924
02:12:35,995 --> 02:12:37,986
Number 10.

1925
02:12:40,435 --> 02:12:42,710
Downing Street.

1926
02:12:43,915 --> 02:12:49,069
I see... Tell you what,
give me your home telephone number.

1927
02:12:49,955 --> 02:12:51,593
Yes...

1928
02:12:53,275 --> 02:12:58,747
I'll give you a ring very soon.
Thank you very much, goodbye.

1929
02:12:59,915 --> 02:13:01,871
What was that?

1930
02:13:02,035 --> 02:13:04,390
- I don't know.
- What do you mean?

1931
02:13:06,235 --> 02:13:11,628
They want my name put forward
as one of Britain's commissioners for the EEC.

1932
02:13:14,915 --> 02:13:18,191
- What does it mean?
- Living in Brussels.

1933
02:13:18,715 --> 02:13:21,468
No, I mean, what does it mean?

1934
02:13:21,635 --> 02:13:25,867
Number 10 knows, so is it a plot to ease me out?

1935
02:13:26,035 --> 02:13:30,233
Is it just a coincidence?
What does it mean? Is it a hint?

1936
02:13:30,395 --> 02:13:33,353
Is the PM giving me a face-saving exit?

1937
02:13:33,515 --> 02:13:36,393
Or was the post coming up anyway?

1938
02:13:36,555 --> 02:13:39,911
It's a great honour... in a way.

1939
02:13:40,075 --> 02:13:42,953
- Is it a good job?
- Terrible.

1940
02:13:44,235 --> 02:13:47,545
It's curtains as far as British politics is concerned.

1941
02:13:48,555 --> 02:13:53,185
It's worse than a peerage.
Absolute failure, total failure.

1942
02:13:53,755 --> 02:13:57,987
You're reduced to forming a new party
if ever you want to get back.

1943
02:13:58,435 --> 02:14:00,744
What does the job involve?

1944
02:14:00,915 --> 02:14:05,545
You're at the heart of that ghastly
Brussels bureaucracy, the gravy train.

1945
02:14:05,715 --> 02:14:09,424
50,000 a year salary, 20,000 a year expenses.

1946
02:14:10,155 --> 02:14:14,114
Champagne, lobsters, foreign travel, luxury hotel...

1947
02:14:15,035 --> 02:14:17,071
...private limousines, private aircraft...

1948
02:14:18,795 --> 02:14:21,150
...siestas in the afternoon...

1949
02:14:21,875 --> 02:14:24,708
...long weekends at Knocke-le-Zoute...

1950
02:14:25,675 --> 02:14:29,668
- We should go over and have a look.
- Why not?

1951
02:14:29,835 --> 02:14:33,032
Sometimes we deserve a bit of failure.

1952
02:14:36,435 --> 02:14:38,790
Going to be a reshuffle, sir?

1953
02:14:38,955 --> 02:14:42,265
Yes, I suppose you saw that in the Standard.

1954
02:14:42,435 --> 02:14:45,313
- Yes, sir.
- So did I, actually.

1955
02:14:45,475 --> 02:14:48,114
I first heard it a couple of weeks ago, sir.

1956
02:14:48,275 --> 02:14:50,231
- Did you?
- Yes, sir.

1957
02:14:50,395 --> 02:14:53,910
So did I, really. Where did you hear it?

1958
02:14:54,075 --> 02:14:56,635
- All the drivers knew.
- How?

1959
02:14:56,795 --> 02:14:58,945
From the PM's driver.

1960
02:14:59,115 --> 02:15:01,834
- The Cabinet Secretary's driver.
- Oh, yes.

1961
02:15:03,155 --> 02:15:06,431
- What else did they hear?
- Just the usual.

1962
02:15:06,595 --> 02:15:11,032
Corbett's in line for promotion,
PM can't overlook him.

1963
02:15:11,195 --> 02:15:15,825
Apparently, old Fred -
the Employment Secretary, sorry, sir -

1964
02:15:15,995 --> 02:15:18,589
he's going to get kicked upstairs.

1965
02:15:18,755 --> 02:15:22,270
- How do they know?
- His driver's been re-assigned.

1966
02:15:23,795 --> 02:15:27,071
What's the gossip about me?

1967
02:15:27,235 --> 02:15:29,703
Well, nothing really, sir.

1968
02:15:29,875 --> 02:15:31,433
- Nothing?
- No.

1969
02:15:31,595 --> 02:15:34,155
We don't know what to make of that.

1970
02:15:34,315 --> 02:15:38,194
- You'll know, won't you, sir?
- Yes, of course.

1971
02:15:38,835 --> 02:15:41,668
Sometimes it's difficult to know about oneself.

1972
02:15:41,835 --> 02:15:45,225
You, know, just how successful...

1973
02:15:47,475 --> 02:15:51,309
What do your mates say... about...?

1974
02:15:51,475 --> 02:15:55,673
They all think you've done all right, sir.

1975
02:15:57,195 --> 02:16:01,711
- I'm in a bit of a quandary.
- Can I help, Minister?

1976
02:16:01,875 --> 02:16:04,753
It's this reshuffle that's on the cards.

1977
02:16:05,955 --> 02:16:08,389
That's very witty, Minister!

1978
02:16:11,035 --> 02:16:15,313
I'm sorry, I thought you were making a...
Do please carry on.

1979
02:16:16,915 --> 02:16:21,227
To complicate matters, I've been asked
to be an EEC Commissioner.

1980
02:16:21,395 --> 02:16:24,512
- Very nice.
- Is it nice, Bernard?

1981
02:16:24,675 --> 02:16:28,554
Bernard, tell me, quite frankly...

1982
02:16:29,835 --> 02:16:34,704
...as Minister here,
do you think I've done all right?

1983
02:16:35,715 --> 02:16:37,546
You've done all right.

1984
02:16:38,675 --> 02:16:41,394
Humphrey's blocked me on so many issues.

1985
02:16:41,555 --> 02:16:43,830
He's never really been on my side.

1986
02:16:43,995 --> 02:16:48,352
To be honest, "all right"
isn't really good enough, is it?

1987
02:16:49,075 --> 02:16:51,748
Well, it's... all right.

1988
02:16:54,355 --> 02:17:00,305
Have you... er... heard anything...
on the grapevine?

1989
02:17:00,835 --> 02:17:02,393
About you?

1990
02:17:02,555 --> 02:17:04,546
Nothing really, Minister, no.

1991
02:17:04,715 --> 02:17:07,946
Only that the British Commissioner
in Europe sent a telegram

1992
02:17:08,115 --> 02:17:10,993
to the FCO and the Cabinet Committee on Europe.

1993
02:17:11,155 --> 02:17:14,625
The idea for you to be
a Commissioner came from Brussels,

1994
02:17:14,795 --> 02:17:17,593
but it is a Prime Ministerial appointment.

1995
02:17:17,755 --> 02:17:22,306
The PM discussed it with the Foreign Secretary
and the Cabinet Secretary

1996
02:17:22,475 --> 02:17:25,672
and cleared the way for you to be sounded out.

1997
02:17:25,835 --> 02:17:29,669
As it's believed at Number 10
and Number 11 that you might accept,

1998
02:17:29,835 --> 02:17:33,828
a colleague has been sounded out
about becoming Minister here.

1999
02:17:33,995 --> 02:17:36,270
I'm afraid that's all I know.

2000
02:17:38,675 --> 02:17:40,825
No more than that?

2001
02:17:43,035 --> 02:17:46,345
Which colleague has been
sounded out to take my place?

2002
02:17:49,155 --> 02:17:52,784
Bernard, if I were not to go to Europe...

2003
02:17:52,955 --> 02:17:57,824
No, if I did go...
No, if I were not to go to Europe,

2004
02:17:57,995 --> 02:18:01,908
would I go up or down?

2005
02:18:04,755 --> 02:18:06,188
(BUZZER)

2006
02:18:06,355 --> 02:18:09,153
Time for your meeting
with Sir Humphrey, Minister.

2007
02:18:09,315 --> 02:18:12,034
- Yes, fine.
- What's it about?

2008
02:18:12,195 --> 02:18:15,312
The visit to the word-processing conference.

2009
02:18:15,475 --> 02:18:17,830
The word-processing conference?

2010
02:18:17,995 --> 02:18:22,466
Humphrey, you'll be pleased
to hear that I've changed my mind,

2011
02:18:22,635 --> 02:18:25,513
I shall be going to Brussels after all.

2012
02:18:25,675 --> 02:18:29,031
You're resigning from the Department?!

2013
02:18:29,195 --> 02:18:32,505
No, I'm talking about
this word-processing conference.

2014
02:18:32,675 --> 02:18:35,951
- I see.
- I would like to see Brussels.

2015
02:18:36,115 --> 02:18:38,424
- Why?
- Why not?

2016
02:18:38,595 --> 02:18:41,109
Why not, indeed, but why?

2017
02:18:41,275 --> 02:18:44,551
- I'm a curious person.
- You certainly are.

2018
02:18:44,715 --> 02:18:46,945
I've been a little hasty.

2019
02:18:47,115 --> 02:18:50,187
Your arguments on behalf of Brussels
were thoroughly convincing.

2020
02:18:50,355 --> 02:18:53,631
Minister, I've been reflecting on your views,

2021
02:18:53,795 --> 02:18:56,832
and I find wisdom in your criticism of Brussels.

2022
02:18:56,995 --> 02:19:01,386
- You implied it is corrupt and...
- No, no, no.

2023
02:19:01,555 --> 02:19:03,750
- Minister, please...
- No, Humphrey.

2024
02:19:03,915 --> 02:19:06,349
It is you who have convinced me.

2025
02:19:06,515 --> 02:19:10,667
I'm now convinced that
Brussels is full of dedicated men,

2026
02:19:10,835 --> 02:19:15,306
all bearing a heavy burden
of travel and entertainment.

2027
02:19:15,475 --> 02:19:17,670
They need all that luxury.

2028
02:19:17,835 --> 02:19:19,791
The odd drinky!

2029
02:19:20,275 --> 02:19:23,472
Caviar and champagne, private planes,
air-conditioned Mercedes?

2030
02:19:23,635 --> 02:19:25,626
It oils the diplomatic wheels.

2031
02:19:26,595 --> 02:19:28,631
Snouts in the trough.

2032
02:19:28,795 --> 02:19:33,869
- That's not an attractive phrase.
- I'm sorry. I can't think where I picked it up!

2033
02:19:34,035 --> 02:19:37,425
We'll all go to this conference, agreed?

2034
02:19:37,595 --> 02:19:42,430
- Is your change of heart due to my arguments?
- Of course.

2035
02:19:42,595 --> 02:19:47,385
It's nothing to do with the rumour
of you being offered a post in Brussels?

2036
02:19:48,515 --> 02:19:50,870
That thought is not worthy of you.

2037
02:19:51,035 --> 02:19:54,152
There is such a thing as integrity.

2038
02:19:58,155 --> 02:20:00,111
Oh, yes, thank you.

2039
02:20:03,715 --> 02:20:07,344
Corbett! You can't let someone like Corbett...

2040
02:20:10,715 --> 02:20:14,151
(You simply can't let Corbett
loose on the department.)

2041
02:20:14,315 --> 02:20:17,591
(It'd be disastrous.
Everything one says to Corbett)

2042
02:20:17,755 --> 02:20:20,269
(appears in the Sun the next morning.)

2043
02:20:21,635 --> 02:20:23,546
Glad to know you read the Sun.

2044
02:20:25,195 --> 02:20:28,153
You must stop it, Arnold, I implore you.

2045
02:20:28,315 --> 02:20:30,271
I'm not the Prime Minister.

2046
02:20:30,435 --> 02:20:32,949
It is really you who arranges the reshuffles.

2047
02:20:33,115 --> 02:20:36,824
No, if there's an appointment the PM is set on,

2048
02:20:36,995 --> 02:20:39,555
the Cabinet Secretary must reluctantly acquiesce.

2049
02:20:40,395 --> 02:20:43,034
You do keep your hand on the tiller.

2050
02:20:44,195 --> 02:20:47,073
If Hacker decides to turn down Brussels,

2051
02:20:47,235 --> 02:20:50,864
it would be easier to keep
Corbett away from your department.

2052
02:20:51,035 --> 02:20:53,788
This is the trouble, he'll take Brussels.

2053
02:20:54,995 --> 02:20:56,951
- Oh.
- Yes, I know.

2054
02:20:57,115 --> 02:21:00,232
He says he believes in the European ideal.

2055
02:21:00,395 --> 02:21:02,784
Yes, I know, I know.

2056
02:21:03,875 --> 02:21:07,550
Politicians get taken in by their own speeches.

2057
02:21:08,995 --> 02:21:13,910
This is partly your fault.
You've blocked Hacker time and again.

2058
02:21:14,395 --> 02:21:18,308
Only in the interests
of good government, Arnold.

2059
02:21:18,475 --> 02:21:23,549
Quite. But what you need is for Hacker
to have a big success in the next few days.

2060
02:21:23,715 --> 02:21:26,275
- A big success?
- Yes.

2061
02:21:26,435 --> 02:21:28,665
The next few days?

2062
02:21:29,875 --> 02:21:34,551
That would give me, give the PM,
a good case for keeping him here.

2063
02:21:34,715 --> 02:21:38,469
Then, we might be able
to move Corbett to Employment.

2064
02:21:38,995 --> 02:21:41,111
Is Fred definitely going?

2065
02:21:41,275 --> 02:21:43,914
Yes, he keeps falling asleep in Cabinet.

2066
02:21:45,475 --> 02:21:47,511
I thought they all did.

2067
02:21:47,675 --> 02:21:50,633
Yes, but not while they're actually talking.

2068
02:22:02,475 --> 02:22:05,512
- Ah, Humphrey! Any news?
- Of what, Minister?

2069
02:22:05,675 --> 02:22:07,666
- The Cabinet reshuffle.
- No.

2070
02:22:07,835 --> 02:22:10,429
Didn't you have lunch with the Cabinet Secretary?

2071
02:22:10,595 --> 02:22:12,506
- Yes.
- What came up?

2072
02:22:12,675 --> 02:22:14,267
Nothing as yet!

2073
02:22:14,435 --> 02:22:18,428
All I know is the reshuffle
will be announced on Monday.

2074
02:22:18,595 --> 02:22:21,155
- Have you any news?
- Of what?

2075
02:22:21,675 --> 02:22:23,950
The Commissionship. Are you going to Brussels?

2076
02:22:24,835 --> 02:22:26,666
Well...

2077
02:22:26,835 --> 02:22:31,955
Speaking with my Parliamentary hat on,
I don't think it would be a good idea.

2078
02:22:32,115 --> 02:22:36,393
With my Cabinet hat on, it would be a good idea.

2079
02:22:36,555 --> 02:22:41,106
Again, with my party hat on,
there could be arguments on both sides.

2080
02:22:41,275 --> 02:22:44,108
Which hat are you talking through now?

2081
02:22:45,235 --> 02:22:50,673
- Have you decided about going to Brussels?
- Yes and no.

2082
02:22:50,835 --> 02:22:56,512
- What are the pros and cons, Minister?
- I don't know.

2083
02:22:59,115 --> 02:23:01,868
I haven't said this before,

2084
02:23:02,035 --> 02:23:06,984
but it depends on whether
I've done all right. What do you think?

2085
02:23:07,155 --> 02:23:09,146
(BOTH) You've done all right.

2086
02:23:09,315 --> 02:23:11,988
If I've done all right, that's all right,

2087
02:23:12,155 --> 02:23:14,430
I shall stay because I'll be all right.

2088
02:23:14,595 --> 02:23:18,713
But if I've only done all right,
to stay would be wrong, right?

2089
02:23:18,875 --> 02:23:23,744
Minister, to be on the safe side,
you need a big success.

2090
02:23:23,915 --> 02:23:26,145
- Yes.
- A triumph, in fact.

2091
02:23:26,315 --> 02:23:30,467
You need some personal publicity
for some great political achievement.

2092
02:23:30,635 --> 02:23:34,628
- What have you in mind?
- I'm trying to think of something.

2093
02:23:34,795 --> 02:23:38,071
Thank you, that's a great help.
What's the purpose?

2094
02:23:38,235 --> 02:23:40,191
Something did come up at lunch.

2095
02:23:40,355 --> 02:23:42,630
Sir Arnold feels that with this triumph,

2096
02:23:42,795 --> 02:23:44,911
the PM couldn't move you downwards,

2097
02:23:45,075 --> 02:23:49,193
and Bernard and I might have the good
fortune of you staying on with us.

2098
02:23:49,355 --> 02:23:51,425
So there's no chance of moving up?

2099
02:23:51,595 --> 02:23:53,870
Ooh...

2100
02:23:54,035 --> 02:23:56,230
Sadly, Minister, alas.

2101
02:23:56,395 --> 02:23:59,273
- One must be a realist.
- Oh, well.

2102
02:24:00,275 --> 02:24:02,709
That's it, it's got to be Brussels.

2103
02:24:02,875 --> 02:24:06,265
No, wait a minute. I've got an idea.

2104
02:24:06,435 --> 02:24:09,632
Supposing you ignore the EEC.

2105
02:24:09,795 --> 02:24:12,753
Publish your own plans for
word-processing machines...

2106
02:24:13,755 --> 02:24:16,827
...with big orders for
British manufacturers...

2107
02:24:17,955 --> 02:24:20,264
...starting immediately. Tomorrow.

2108
02:24:20,435 --> 02:24:22,471
Certainly before Monday.

2109
02:24:22,635 --> 02:24:25,547
Involving more jobs, more investment.

2110
02:24:25,715 --> 02:24:28,024
- More export orders.
- More votes.

2111
02:24:28,195 --> 02:24:30,186
Yes, when the time comes.

2112
02:24:30,355 --> 02:24:33,791
- We can't defy an EEC directive.
- It isn't a directive.

2113
02:24:33,955 --> 02:24:37,106
It hasn't been ratified, it's merely a request.

2114
02:24:37,275 --> 02:24:40,347
We can't stab our partners
in the back and spit in their face.

2115
02:24:40,515 --> 02:24:44,474
You can't stab anyone in the back
while spitting in their face.

2116
02:24:45,275 --> 02:24:47,869
On the other hand, defying Brussels would be...

2117
02:24:48,035 --> 02:24:49,548
Very popular!

2118
02:24:49,715 --> 02:24:51,945
And prove I had elbows.

2119
02:24:52,595 --> 02:24:54,108
What?

2120
02:24:54,275 --> 02:24:56,630
Elbows, elbows!

2121
02:24:56,795 --> 02:24:58,353
- But...
- But what?

2122
02:24:58,515 --> 02:25:00,949
I'd have to give up all that...

2123
02:25:01,115 --> 02:25:03,788
- Trough.
- Right.

2124
02:25:03,955 --> 02:25:08,267
When it comes down to it,
one's own country must come first.

2125
02:25:09,075 --> 02:25:10,713
How true.

2126
02:25:10,875 --> 02:25:14,390
And, although, strictly,
this isn't a Government matter,

2127
02:25:14,555 --> 02:25:18,230
I, personally,
would be deeply sorry to lose you.

2128
02:25:18,395 --> 02:25:20,784
Really, Humphrey, is that true?

2129
02:25:20,955 --> 02:25:23,344
Yes, I mean that, Minister, most sincerely.

2130
02:25:23,515 --> 02:25:27,349
I suppose we have got fond of one another.

2131
02:25:27,515 --> 02:25:30,029
- In a way.
- In a way, yes.

2132
02:25:30,195 --> 02:25:32,550
Like a terrorist and his hostage.

2133
02:25:35,315 --> 02:25:36,953
Which is the terrorist?

2134
02:25:37,115 --> 02:25:39,071
(BOTH) He is!

2135
02:25:40,675 --> 02:25:43,667
Right, OK, Bernard, that's the decision.

2136
02:25:43,835 --> 02:25:45,791
Inform the press!

2137
02:25:45,955 --> 02:25:51,313
Tell me, Humphrey, who would have got
my position if I'd gone to Brussels?

2138
02:25:52,355 --> 02:25:54,152
I don't know...

2139
02:25:54,315 --> 02:25:57,546
Didn't you tell me it was Basil Corbett?

2140
02:25:58,675 --> 02:26:00,791
Basil Corbett?!

2141
02:26:01,555 --> 02:26:04,115
I see, Basil Corbett.

2142
02:26:08,635 --> 02:26:10,227
Yes, Minister.

2143
02:27:35,769 --> 02:27:38,408
He's still with the Press Officer, Sir Humphrey.

2144
02:27:38,569 --> 02:27:40,321
Would you like a coffee?

2145
02:27:40,489 --> 02:27:43,162
If the Minister is with the Press Officer,

2146
02:27:43,329 --> 02:27:46,366
we've probably got time for a six-course lunch.

2147
02:27:49,569 --> 02:27:51,525
- Morning, Humphrey.
- Desmond!

2148
02:27:51,689 --> 02:27:55,284
He's got somebody with him,
but he'll only be a moment.

2149
02:27:55,449 --> 02:27:59,761
- Did you sound him out about...?
- Yes, but it doesn't look hopeful.

2150
02:27:59,929 --> 02:28:06,607
All my bank wants is to put six
little storeys on the new office block.

2151
02:28:06,769 --> 02:28:09,602
- Read the Financial Times today?
- Never do!

2152
02:28:09,769 --> 02:28:12,408
You're a banker,
surely you read the Financial Times?

2153
02:28:12,569 --> 02:28:17,085
Can't understand it. Full of economic theory.

2154
02:28:18,089 --> 02:28:22,287
- Why do you buy it?
- It's part of the uniform.

2155
02:28:22,769 --> 02:28:25,567
Took me 30 years
to understand Keynes' economics.

2156
02:28:25,729 --> 02:28:30,120
I'd just cottoned on when everyone
got hooked on monetarist ideas,

2157
02:28:30,289 --> 02:28:33,725
you know, "I Want To Be Free",
by Milton Shulman.

2158
02:28:33,889 --> 02:28:37,882
- Milton Friedman?
- Why are they all called Milton?

2159
02:28:38,049 --> 02:28:40,722
I've only got as far as Milton Keynes.

2160
02:28:42,249 --> 02:28:44,205
Maynard Keynes?

2161
02:28:44,369 --> 02:28:46,758
I'm sure there's a Milton Keynes.

2162
02:28:46,929 --> 02:28:49,318
Yes, there is, it's...

2163
02:28:51,369 --> 02:28:53,041
Sit down.

2164
02:28:54,049 --> 02:28:56,199
You didn't read about the Minister's speech

2165
02:28:56,369 --> 02:28:58,644
to the Architectural Association last night,

2166
02:28:58,809 --> 02:29:01,767
attacking skyscraper office blocks?

2167
02:29:01,929 --> 02:29:03,362
Ours isn't a skyscraper.

2168
02:29:03,529 --> 02:29:05,884
- How many storeys?
- 38.

2169
02:29:06,049 --> 02:29:09,166
44 with the extra six we're asking for.

2170
02:29:10,049 --> 02:29:14,201
He was talking about
the maximum tolerable height being eight.

2171
02:29:14,369 --> 02:29:17,486
Surely you can talk him out of it?

2172
02:29:17,649 --> 02:29:21,642
Work him upwards? 8, 12, 18...

2173
02:29:21,809 --> 02:29:23,925
That's your job - talking him out of things.

2174
02:29:24,089 --> 02:29:29,117
Don't forget, there's a promise
to prevent any more high-rise buildings

2175
02:29:29,289 --> 02:29:31,644
in the environment section of the manifesto.

2176
02:29:31,809 --> 02:29:34,721
- Does that scupper it?
- Not necessarily.

2177
02:29:34,889 --> 02:29:42,159
There's an implicit pact offered
to every Minister by his senior officials.

2178
02:29:42,729 --> 02:29:47,041
If the Minister implements
the opposite policy to the one he's pledged to,

2179
02:29:47,209 --> 02:29:49,245
which, once in office, he will see is incorrect,

2180
02:29:49,409 --> 02:29:53,368
we'll help him to pretend
he's following his manifesto.

2181
02:29:55,569 --> 02:29:58,845
- That's a very reasonable offer.
- It sounds reasonable.

2182
02:29:59,009 --> 02:30:05,323
Unfortunately, among the many
extraordinary qualities politicians possess,

2183
02:30:05,489 --> 02:30:09,448
reasonableness isn't the first that springs to mind.

2184
02:30:10,569 --> 02:30:13,242
Not when one contemplates the average Minister.

2185
02:30:13,409 --> 02:30:16,128
And our Minister is very average.

2186
02:30:18,049 --> 02:30:20,279
But we need those extra floors.

2187
02:30:20,449 --> 02:30:23,441
And if you're joining the board when you retire,

2188
02:30:23,609 --> 02:30:26,567
it'll be tricky if there's no office to put you in.

2189
02:30:26,729 --> 02:30:30,005
Entertaining your visitors
in a Portakabin in the car park?

2190
02:30:30,769 --> 02:30:35,638
I'm not saying you won't get
permission, just not today. Be patient.

2191
02:30:35,809 --> 02:30:38,642
Surely if a Minister's made a decision, that's it?

2192
02:30:38,809 --> 02:30:43,200
- What gave you that idea?
- Surely a decision's a decision?

2193
02:30:43,369 --> 02:30:45,963
Only if it's the decision you want.

2194
02:30:46,969 --> 02:30:50,200
If not, it's just a temporary setback.

2195
02:30:50,369 --> 02:30:52,758
Ministers are like small children:

2196
02:30:52,929 --> 02:30:57,127
They want something desperately
and next day forget they asked for it.

2197
02:30:57,289 --> 02:31:02,283
- He is a Minister of the Crown.
- You know why he's called that?

2198
02:31:02,449 --> 02:31:05,725
He's always talking off the top of his head...

2199
02:31:05,889 --> 02:31:07,720
or through the back of it!

2200
02:31:07,889 --> 02:31:11,848
- You won't accept his decision?
- No, no, no.

2201
02:31:12,009 --> 02:31:15,558
I start by accepting it
and supporting it enthusiastically,

2202
02:31:15,729 --> 02:31:18,721
then I tell him to leave it to me.

2203
02:31:19,849 --> 02:31:22,966
(SIR DESMOND) Humphrey, the architect fellow.

2204
02:31:23,129 --> 02:31:26,041
Morning, Crawford.
The Minister won't keep a moment.

2205
02:31:26,209 --> 02:31:28,484
So, what's going to happen?

2206
02:31:28,649 --> 02:31:33,677
I'll have a minute with him first,
but don't expect too much this morning.

2207
02:31:33,849 --> 02:31:38,400
Think of it as a child's tantrum
over a rice pudding.

2208
02:31:38,569 --> 02:31:41,879
Won't touch it today
and yet wants two helpings tomorrow.

2209
02:31:42,049 --> 02:31:44,199
Ah, rice pudding... good.

2210
02:31:44,369 --> 02:31:46,519
I always liked rice pudding.

2211
02:31:48,529 --> 02:31:50,406
Minister, it's really excellent.

2212
02:31:50,569 --> 02:31:53,288
"Hacker speaks out against tower blocks."

2213
02:31:53,449 --> 02:31:55,917
"Minister's courageous stand on high buildings."

2214
02:31:56,089 --> 02:31:57,886
I sound like a steeplejack.

2215
02:31:58,049 --> 02:32:03,282
What about the popular press?
How do I get into the mass circulation dailies?

2216
02:32:03,449 --> 02:32:08,125
- What about a photograph?
- The papers like a photo of a pretty girl.

2217
02:32:08,289 --> 02:32:10,678
I don't quite qualify on that score.

2218
02:32:12,329 --> 02:32:16,208
Judge a beauty contest -
a photo of you kissing the winner.

2219
02:32:16,369 --> 02:32:22,319
If my picture's in the papers,
people should look at me, not some pretty girl.

2220
02:32:22,489 --> 02:32:25,401
Otherwise, something with
cuddly animals or small children,

2221
02:32:25,569 --> 02:32:28,083
like this afternoon's visit to the city farm.

2222
02:32:28,249 --> 02:32:30,888
Is everything laid on - Mail, Mirror, Express?

2223
02:32:31,049 --> 02:32:34,121
- And the Sun, Today and Nationwide.
- Nationwide?

2224
02:32:34,289 --> 02:32:37,122
- Will I be on telly?
- With any luck.

2225
02:32:37,289 --> 02:32:40,998
- Well done!
- You are a Minister of the Crown, sir.

2226
02:32:41,169 --> 02:32:44,206
There's some baby donkeys
laid on to be photographed with.

2227
02:32:45,489 --> 02:32:47,400
- Donkeys?
- Yes, sir.

2228
02:32:48,969 --> 02:32:54,089
The Sun specifically asked if you could
be photographed amongst the donkeys.

2229
02:32:54,649 --> 02:32:56,321
What do you think, Bernard?

2230
02:32:56,489 --> 02:33:01,040
Even if the Sun has no ulterior motive,
it'll be a gift for Private Eye.

2231
02:33:03,849 --> 02:33:07,125
You with a crowd of other donkeys.

2232
02:33:07,289 --> 02:33:12,238
That's what they would say.
Or a meeting of the Inner Cabinet.

2233
02:33:13,809 --> 02:33:16,084
What are you here for, Bernard?

2234
02:33:16,249 --> 02:33:19,161
- Sir Humphrey's here.
- Very well.

2235
02:33:19,329 --> 02:33:21,240
There's also some little pigs.

2236
02:33:21,649 --> 02:33:25,324
I don't think that's a great improvement.

2237
02:33:25,489 --> 02:33:28,720
Snouts in the trough jokes -
pull yourself together!

2238
02:33:28,889 --> 02:33:32,404
I will consent to be photographed
with a lamb, that's all.

2239
02:33:32,569 --> 02:33:34,719
- Ah, Humphrey.
- Good morning.

2240
02:33:34,889 --> 02:33:37,323
Sir Desmond Glazebrook is outside.

2241
02:33:37,489 --> 02:33:40,481
Glazebrook? That old fool
who makes anti-Government speeches?

2242
02:33:40,649 --> 02:33:43,959
Yes, and you appointed him chairman
of the co-partnership commission.

2243
02:33:45,209 --> 02:33:46,847
What's he want?

2244
02:33:47,009 --> 02:33:50,126
He wants to talk about his forthcoming application

2245
02:33:50,289 --> 02:33:53,247
to put more storeys on his bank's office block.

2246
02:33:53,409 --> 02:33:56,560
That's just the thing we must stop, Humphrey.

2247
02:33:56,729 --> 02:33:59,607
Somebody has to speak out
about the environment,

2248
02:33:59,769 --> 02:34:01,680
take a stand on high buildings.

2249
02:34:01,849 --> 02:34:04,204
That would make a good press photograph.

2250
02:34:05,209 --> 02:34:06,801
(SIR HUMPHREY) Thank you, Bernard.

2251
02:34:06,969 --> 02:34:10,041
It's up to you, but he does have a good case.

2252
02:34:10,209 --> 02:34:12,848
Have you read the background papers?

2253
02:34:13,009 --> 02:34:15,364
Yes, of course. Remind me.

2254
02:34:17,129 --> 02:34:21,839
The bank points out that
there are already several tower blocks nearby,

2255
02:34:22,009 --> 02:34:25,638
and it is the international division
of the bank, expanding rapidly.

2256
02:34:25,809 --> 02:34:29,722
It needs a central location.
It would bring in revenue for the city.

2257
02:34:29,889 --> 02:34:33,643
Typical! Money, money, money.
What about beauty, Humphrey?

2258
02:34:33,809 --> 02:34:36,198
Indeed, Minister, beauty.

2259
02:34:36,369 --> 02:34:38,246
Make a note of that, Bernard.

2260
02:34:38,409 --> 02:34:40,639
What about our children? And their children?

2261
02:34:40,809 --> 02:34:43,767
Exactly, Minister, "Children's children", Bernard.

2262
02:34:43,929 --> 02:34:46,762
Who are you serving? God or Mammon?

2263
02:34:46,929 --> 02:34:49,489
I'm serving you, Minister.

2264
02:34:49,649 --> 02:34:52,447
In that case, Humphrey, show Sir Desmond in.

2265
02:34:54,409 --> 02:34:57,958
Glazebrook! I'll give him high-rise buildings...

2266
02:34:58,849 --> 02:35:03,286
Sir Desmond, how nice to see you!
What can I do for you?

2267
02:35:03,449 --> 02:35:06,043
It's these extra storeys, six of them.

2268
02:35:06,209 --> 02:35:10,521
We'll make a formal application later,
but any guidance you can give us...?

2269
02:35:10,689 --> 02:35:14,204
I warn you that I have
misgivings about tower blocks.

2270
02:35:14,369 --> 02:35:18,362
This is how we make profits.
Six extra storeys and we clean up.

2271
02:35:18,529 --> 02:35:21,760
Without them,
we'll only make a measly 28% on the project.

2272
02:35:21,929 --> 02:35:25,638
- It's just profits, is it?
- Not "Just profits", it's profits!

2273
02:35:25,809 --> 02:35:29,518
- Don't you think of anything but money?
- No, why?

2274
02:35:29,689 --> 02:35:33,602
- What about beauty?
- It's a building, not an oil painting.

2275
02:35:33,769 --> 02:35:38,889
- And the environment?
- We'll make sure it's part of the environment.

2276
02:35:39,049 --> 02:35:42,246
It's bound to be, once it's there.

2277
02:35:43,249 --> 02:35:46,798
- I'm sorry, Sir Desmond...
- There's one thing, Minister.

2278
02:35:46,969 --> 02:35:51,804
As you know, similar permission
was given to Chartered of New York,

2279
02:35:51,969 --> 02:35:54,119
so to refuse a British bank...

2280
02:35:54,289 --> 02:35:56,519
Exactly! So it's all right?

2281
02:35:56,689 --> 02:35:59,601
Er... well... no. No, it isn't.

2282
02:35:59,769 --> 02:36:04,047
- Why not, damn it?
- It-it-it's not necessarily...

2283
02:36:04,209 --> 02:36:08,805
The Minister is concerned that another
tall building will clutter the skyline.

2284
02:36:08,969 --> 02:36:11,199
That's right, it would clutter the skyline.

2285
02:36:11,369 --> 02:36:17,285
He's also worried that more workers
in the area would strain the transport system.

2286
02:36:17,449 --> 02:36:19,565
I'm worried about public transport.

2287
02:36:19,729 --> 02:36:22,641
Furthermore,
he points out that it will overshadow

2288
02:36:22,809 --> 02:36:26,199
the playground of the St Joseph's Primary School.

2289
02:36:26,369 --> 02:36:30,521
It would overlook private gardens,
which would be an intrusion of privacy.

2290
02:36:30,689 --> 02:36:33,283
Privacy! Pollution!

2291
02:36:33,449 --> 02:36:37,920
Furthermore, the Minister points out,
most astutely, if I may say,

2292
02:36:38,089 --> 02:36:41,968
that the bank owns a vacant site close by

2293
02:36:42,129 --> 02:36:44,518
which would accommodate your expansion needs.

2294
02:36:44,689 --> 02:36:46,839
- Where?
- There.

2295
02:36:47,009 --> 02:36:49,728
That's the river, isn't it?

2296
02:36:49,889 --> 02:36:52,722
The Minister was referring to this site.

2297
02:36:53,489 --> 02:36:56,367
- Is that ours?
- It is, Sir Desmond.

2298
02:36:56,529 --> 02:36:59,202
- What's it for?
- It's scheduled for phase three.

2299
02:36:59,369 --> 02:37:03,487
That's scheduled for phase three.
Anyway, it's 400 yards away.

2300
02:37:03,649 --> 02:37:07,164
Difficult for the board
to walk 400 yards to lunch...

2301
02:37:07,329 --> 02:37:10,366
...and impossible to walk back afterwards.

2302
02:37:10,529 --> 02:37:16,843
Put in your formal application by all means,
but that will be my decision.

2303
02:37:17,889 --> 02:37:21,245
Minister, suppose we designed
a different rice pudding?

2304
02:37:23,769 --> 02:37:25,122
- What?
- What?

2305
02:37:25,289 --> 02:37:30,886
- Rice pudding?
- Bankers' jargon for high-rise buildings.

2306
02:37:32,289 --> 02:37:34,086
Is it?

2307
02:37:34,729 --> 02:37:37,766
Bernard, show Sir Desmond out.

2308
02:37:37,929 --> 02:37:39,760
Bye, Sir Desmond.

2309
02:37:39,929 --> 02:37:41,726
Oh, yes. Right.

2310
02:37:44,529 --> 02:37:47,646
Thank you, your reminders were very helpful.

2311
02:37:47,809 --> 02:37:50,323
- A pleasure.
- Real teamwork, what?

2312
02:37:50,489 --> 02:37:54,607
- Especially as Glazebrook is your chum.
- We're very old friends.

2313
02:37:54,769 --> 02:37:59,445
But it is as naught compared
to a civil servant's duty to his Minister.

2314
02:38:00,369 --> 02:38:03,441
- Humphrey, do you mean that?
- Of course, Minister!

2315
02:38:04,449 --> 02:38:07,327
- How very nice.
- Thank you.

2316
02:38:07,489 --> 02:38:10,959
- It's after half past.
- I've got to dash.

2317
02:38:11,129 --> 02:38:13,518
- Urgent appointment?
- Very urgent.

2318
02:38:13,689 --> 02:38:16,487
- Cabinet committee?
- That sort of thing.

2319
02:38:17,489 --> 02:38:21,402
Could you sign this? It's extremely urgent.

2320
02:38:21,569 --> 02:38:23,525
Do I have to? I'm late already.

2321
02:38:23,689 --> 02:38:27,682
It's an administrative order
to formalise Government powers

2322
02:38:27,849 --> 02:38:31,683
for the utilisation of unused local authority land
until development commences,

2323
02:38:31,849 --> 02:38:34,044
then it reverts to the authority.

2324
02:38:34,209 --> 02:38:37,519
Do I have to sign now?
Why hasn't it been before the House?

2325
02:38:38,049 --> 02:38:42,679
If it were a statutory instrument,
it would have to go before the House,

2326
02:38:42,849 --> 02:38:48,242
but it's an administrative order,
under section seven of the Environment Act,

2327
02:38:48,409 --> 02:38:53,927
which is an enabling section,
empowering the Minister to make regulations

2328
02:38:54,089 --> 02:38:58,605
regarding unused local authority land
as necessary from time to time

2329
02:38:58,769 --> 02:39:02,523
within the framework of the Act,
as I'm sure you recollect.

2330
02:39:02,689 --> 02:39:05,283
Why doesn't it go before the House?

2331
02:39:06,489 --> 02:39:11,165
If it were a statutory instrument,
it would have to go before the House,

2332
02:39:11,329 --> 02:39:14,924
but because it is an administrative order
under section seven of the...

2333
02:39:15,089 --> 02:39:17,728
All right, Humphrey, I have signed it!

2334
02:39:19,369 --> 02:39:21,041
Why was that so urgent?

2335
02:39:23,529 --> 02:39:26,646
- It wasn't.
- But you said it was.

2336
02:39:26,809 --> 02:39:29,084
It wasn't urgent, but it was important.

2337
02:39:29,249 --> 02:39:33,208
Any document transferring decision-making
power from Ministers to us is important.

2338
02:39:33,369 --> 02:39:36,167
- Why?
- Oh, Bernard...!

2339
02:39:36,329 --> 02:39:39,878
Don't be obtuse, please.

2340
02:39:40,049 --> 02:39:45,601
It helps take Government out of politics.
It's Britain's only chance of survival.

2341
02:39:45,769 --> 02:39:49,045
Couldn't it have waited
until he wasn't in a hurry?

2342
02:39:49,209 --> 02:39:53,327
When we want Ministers to sign something
without asking questions,

2343
02:39:53,489 --> 02:39:58,358
we wait until they're in a hurry
and their concentration is weakest.

2344
02:39:58,529 --> 02:40:02,238
That's why we keep them on the go.

2345
02:40:02,409 --> 02:40:07,119
Bernard, where was the Minister
rushing off to so secretively?

2346
02:40:07,289 --> 02:40:09,723
A school children's city farm in Tower Hamlets.

2347
02:40:09,889 --> 02:40:14,087
My God!
The things that man will do for publicity.

2348
02:40:14,249 --> 02:40:18,037
Is he going as a visitor or as an exhibit?

2349
02:40:19,169 --> 02:40:20,966
Very droll, Sir Humphrey.

2350
02:40:21,129 --> 02:40:22,721
What?

2351
02:40:35,609 --> 02:40:39,682
Mrs Philips? I'm Bill Pritchard,
the Minister's Press Officer.

2352
02:40:39,849 --> 02:40:43,239
This is Mrs Philips, the warden of the park.

2353
02:40:43,409 --> 02:40:44,967
How do you do?

2354
02:40:45,129 --> 02:40:49,441
BBC TV. We didn't get your arrival,
could we have it again?

2355
02:40:49,609 --> 02:40:52,487
- Sorry?
- Could you arrive again?

2356
02:40:52,649 --> 02:40:55,800
How can he arrive again? He's already here.

2357
02:40:55,969 --> 02:40:57,846
- For the cameras.
- Do you mind?

2358
02:40:58,009 --> 02:40:59,681
Mind what?

2359
02:41:01,489 --> 02:41:03,480
Let's see you arriving.

2360
02:41:09,409 --> 02:41:11,684
Does this often happen?

2361
02:41:14,849 --> 02:41:17,807
Turn over... Action!

2362
02:41:17,969 --> 02:41:20,164
Wave, everybody!

2363
02:41:28,689 --> 02:41:31,249
- Welcome, Minister.
- It's a great pleasure.

2364
02:41:31,409 --> 02:41:35,561
I'm glad you've come. We tried
other celebrities but nobody could come.

2365
02:41:36,969 --> 02:41:38,482
- Cut.
- What?

2366
02:41:38,649 --> 02:41:40,719
- Cut, cut, cut!
- Cut.

2367
02:41:42,649 --> 02:41:45,561
- We'll cut that out, right?
- Yes, but...

2368
02:41:45,729 --> 02:41:47,606
Not but, cut!

2369
02:41:48,969 --> 02:41:51,642
May I introduce you to His Worship, the Mayor?

2370
02:41:54,129 --> 02:41:56,404
Licence fees are coming up again.

2371
02:42:13,169 --> 02:42:16,161
Now, tell me all about this.

2372
02:42:16,809 --> 02:42:18,765
This is a piglet.

2373
02:42:20,009 --> 02:42:22,079
No, tell me about this city farm.

2374
02:42:22,249 --> 02:42:25,798
There are over 50 city farms

2375
02:42:25,969 --> 02:42:30,963
built in urban wasteland to give
children who seldom see the countryside

2376
02:42:31,129 --> 02:42:34,166
a chance to understand
livestock and food production.

2377
02:42:34,329 --> 02:42:38,083
What a wonderful idea!
And this is your first anniversary?

2378
02:42:38,249 --> 02:42:40,524
- Yes.
- Congratulations.

2379
02:42:40,689 --> 02:42:43,726
Could we have a shot congratulating
Mrs Philips for the television?

2380
02:42:43,889 --> 02:42:46,722
Certainly, by all means.

2381
02:42:46,889 --> 02:42:49,449
Everyone's a ham! Sorry.

2382
02:42:53,889 --> 02:42:57,723
So this is your first anniversary here? Good.

2383
02:42:57,889 --> 02:43:00,528
Congratulations. Well done.

2384
02:43:00,689 --> 02:43:03,408
Jolly good show. Very good.

2385
02:43:03,569 --> 02:43:05,366
Got enough now?

2386
02:43:06,369 --> 02:43:11,318
If we may hurry you,
make your speech first, and then meet the staff.

2387
02:43:11,489 --> 02:43:13,957
I'd like to do the interview with some of those.

2388
02:43:14,129 --> 02:43:16,927
- Staff?
- No, the children and animals.

2389
02:43:17,369 --> 02:43:19,485
Is this working?

2390
02:43:19,649 --> 02:43:22,243
- Got my speech?
- I gave it to you.

2391
02:43:22,409 --> 02:43:24,798
No, you've got it.

2392
02:43:28,569 --> 02:43:32,767
It gives me pleasure
to welcome Mr James Hacker,

2393
02:43:32,929 --> 02:43:37,525
the Minister for Administrative Affairs,
who has found time in his busy schedule

2394
02:43:37,689 --> 02:43:40,726
to be with us today
to celebrate our first anniversary.

2395
02:43:40,889 --> 02:43:42,800
Thank you.

2396
02:43:43,649 --> 02:43:48,848
Thank you. It's a great pleasure
to be here with you all today.

2397
02:43:49,009 --> 02:43:51,887
You know, things are changing fast.

2398
02:43:52,049 --> 02:43:54,483
We live in a world of change.

2399
02:43:54,649 --> 02:43:57,368
The silicon chip is changing our lives.

2400
02:43:57,529 --> 02:44:00,646
Quality of life is becoming
more and more important.

2401
02:44:00,809 --> 02:44:05,200
Environment, conservation, problems
of pollution, the future of our children,

2402
02:44:05,369 --> 02:44:09,408
and our children's children.
These are today's issues.

2403
02:44:09,569 --> 02:44:15,007
There is, quite rightly, increasing
concern about high-rise buildings.

2404
02:44:15,169 --> 02:44:20,118
I'm happy to reassure you,
members of the Architectural Association...

2405
02:44:23,729 --> 02:44:25,401
I'm so sorry.

2406
02:44:25,969 --> 02:44:27,402
It's yesterday's speech.

2407
02:44:27,569 --> 02:44:30,447
It's the one I have, look in your pocket.

2408
02:44:34,529 --> 02:44:36,565
So sorry!

2409
02:44:36,729 --> 02:44:39,402
I made a speech yesterday and...

2410
02:44:41,409 --> 02:44:45,368
It's a great pleasure
to be here at the city farm today.

2411
02:44:46,409 --> 02:44:48,559
You know, things are changing fast.

2412
02:44:50,009 --> 02:44:52,398
We live in a world of change.

2413
02:44:52,569 --> 02:44:56,482
The silicon chip... is changing our lives.

2414
02:44:56,649 --> 02:44:59,561
(MUMBLES) Quality of life is more important...

2415
02:44:59,729 --> 02:45:03,199
(MUMBLES) Pollution...
future of our children's children...

2416
02:45:03,369 --> 02:45:06,645
These are the issues... The city farm movement

2417
02:45:06,809 --> 02:45:11,360
is a welcome and important addition
to the way of life for children in cities.

2418
02:45:11,529 --> 02:45:16,842
We feel they play an vital part in
children's educational and social life.

2419
02:45:17,009 --> 02:45:20,797
We shall do all we can
to help this movement flourish.

2420
02:45:22,489 --> 02:45:24,400
Happy birthday.

2421
02:45:26,569 --> 02:45:29,481
Sue Lawley's arrived,
can we do the interview now?

2422
02:45:29,649 --> 02:45:33,039
Yes, set it up with the most
attractive children and animals.

2423
02:45:33,209 --> 02:45:38,158
Thank you for saying that, Minister.
Can we really rely on your support?

2424
02:45:38,329 --> 02:45:40,001
Of course you can.

2425
02:45:40,169 --> 02:45:43,445
Our lease is running out
and we have to get it extended.

2426
02:45:43,609 --> 02:45:49,320
I can't really influence it, but I'll try
to help this movement to flourish.

2427
02:45:49,489 --> 02:45:53,482
Would you do the interview now?
This is Sue Lawley of Nationwide.

2428
02:45:53,649 --> 02:45:59,246
Sue Lawley, what a great pleasure.
I do believe I'm probably your greatest fan!

2429
02:46:00,689 --> 02:46:07,162
Sorry to butt in, but could the children
and staff get autographs?

2430
02:46:07,329 --> 02:46:09,160
Autographs? Certainly.

2431
02:46:15,809 --> 02:46:18,721
Come on, that's enough.

2432
02:46:22,849 --> 02:46:24,885
What did you want to say?

2433
02:46:25,049 --> 02:46:29,600
I'll ask some questions of the warden
and then come to you for comments.

2434
02:46:29,769 --> 02:46:33,159
- Where would you like us to be?
- Here.

2435
02:46:33,329 --> 02:46:36,958
- Perhaps with animals and children?
- Yes, splendid!

2436
02:46:39,369 --> 02:46:42,759
Put this sweet little girl on your knee, Mr Hacker.

2437
02:46:50,569 --> 02:46:53,288
All right, let's get on with it.

2438
02:46:53,449 --> 02:46:55,679
Turn over! We're running, Sue.

2439
02:46:55,849 --> 02:47:00,877
Warden, I understand the lease
of this wonderful city farm will run out.

2440
02:47:01,049 --> 02:47:03,847
Yes, we've been worried about this.

2441
02:47:04,009 --> 02:47:07,160
But I've just had a word with Mr Hacker,

2442
02:47:07,329 --> 02:47:12,403
and he has indicated that he will ensure
that this farm can carry on.

2443
02:47:13,569 --> 02:47:17,039
Minister, how will you ensure
this farm keeps running?

2444
02:47:17,209 --> 02:47:21,646
Er... well... you see... Sue...

2445
02:47:21,809 --> 02:47:25,518
The fact is, and let me make this clear...

2446
02:47:27,249 --> 02:47:30,002
Quality of life is becoming more important,

2447
02:47:30,169 --> 02:47:34,879
the environment, conservation,
problems of pollution...

2448
02:47:35,049 --> 02:47:37,438
The future of our children...

2449
02:47:39,129 --> 02:47:41,768
and our children's children.
These are today's issues.

2450
02:47:41,929 --> 02:47:44,238
Minister, thank you.

2451
02:47:50,609 --> 02:47:55,637
I saw your chap on the television
last night cuddling a rabbit.

2452
02:47:55,809 --> 02:47:59,006
St Francis of Tower Hamlets.

2453
02:47:59,169 --> 02:48:01,603
What was it in aid of?

2454
02:48:01,769 --> 02:48:04,203
After the rodent vote, I imagine.

2455
02:48:04,369 --> 02:48:06,883
Quite a good idea, those city farms.

2456
02:48:07,049 --> 02:48:09,927
Are you still worried
about parking at Tower House?

2457
02:48:10,089 --> 02:48:14,719
Desperately! It's the major blockage
to recruiting Inland Revenue inspectors.

2458
02:48:14,889 --> 02:48:21,522
There's a 1<i>�/</i>2 acre local authority site nearby
with the lease running out.

2459
02:48:21,689 --> 02:48:25,477
- But we haven't the authority.
- You have now.

2460
02:48:25,649 --> 02:48:30,165
- You mean an order under Section 7?!
- Signed yesterday.

2461
02:48:30,329 --> 02:48:34,880
Humphrey! How did you manage it?

2462
02:48:36,489 --> 02:48:40,277
- What's the site used for now?
- Nothing of any significance.

2463
02:48:40,449 --> 02:48:43,247
A city farm for school children.

2464
02:48:43,409 --> 02:48:46,048
Like the one St Francis was visiting?

2465
02:48:46,209 --> 02:48:49,087
Not the one?

2466
02:48:49,249 --> 02:48:52,446
I've always said those things are a bad idea.

2467
02:48:52,609 --> 02:48:55,760
Unhygienic and a danger to public health.

2468
02:48:55,929 --> 02:49:01,162
It might be good to move quickly,
before the lease were renewed.

2469
02:49:01,329 --> 02:49:05,004
Surely. Won't it put your Minister in a spot?

2470
02:49:05,969 --> 02:49:11,487
- I'm sure I'll find him a way out.
- I'm sure you will. Coffee?

2471
02:49:11,649 --> 02:49:15,244
No, thanks, I must be getting back to Assisi.

2472
02:49:17,249 --> 02:49:20,002
- Thank you for lunch.
- Not at all.

2473
02:49:20,169 --> 02:49:22,967
- Enjoy your trip.
- Bless you.

2474
02:49:29,329 --> 02:49:31,285
Desmond?

2475
02:49:36,049 --> 02:49:38,005
It's you, Humphrey.

2476
02:49:44,009 --> 02:49:48,799
I think I know how
to get the Minister to eat his rice pudding.

2477
02:49:53,889 --> 02:49:56,244
Evening paper, Minister.

2478
02:49:58,809 --> 02:50:02,199
- Centre page.
- I say!

2479
02:50:02,369 --> 02:50:05,566
Double-page spread, what about that!

2480
02:50:05,729 --> 02:50:09,005
"The St Francis of Tower Hamlets."

2481
02:50:09,169 --> 02:50:13,526
There's a picture of me with ducks.
Another with a small girl.

2482
02:50:13,689 --> 02:50:18,968
A black... ethnic... multi... you know,
one of... What good publicity!

2483
02:50:20,369 --> 02:50:23,122
Are there any more city farms to visit?

2484
02:50:23,289 --> 02:50:25,849
Manchester, Birmingham, Glasgow.

2485
02:50:26,009 --> 02:50:29,684
The marginal, I mean,
the special development areas.

2486
02:50:29,849 --> 02:50:32,568
Bernard, how about this double-page spread?

2487
02:50:32,729 --> 02:50:35,687
Top of the Mirror, Nationwide last night.

2488
02:50:35,849 --> 02:50:38,409
You're very quiet, what's the matter?

2489
02:50:38,569 --> 02:50:42,562
Mrs Philips, Minister, the warden
of the city farm you visited yesterday.

2490
02:50:42,729 --> 02:50:45,402
Is she pleased with the publicity?

2491
02:50:45,569 --> 02:50:48,242
- She doesn't seem pleased.
- Why not?

2492
02:50:48,409 --> 02:50:51,765
- The farm's being closed.
- Closed?!

2493
02:50:51,929 --> 02:50:56,081
It's being turned into a car park
for Inland Revenue inspectors.

2494
02:50:57,849 --> 02:51:00,488
My God, what will they say about this?

2495
02:51:00,649 --> 02:51:03,527
"Children and animals evicted by taxman."

2496
02:51:03,689 --> 02:51:06,249
"Minister goes back on TV pledge."

2497
02:51:06,409 --> 02:51:09,958
Heavens! This must be stopped. Do something!

2498
02:51:10,129 --> 02:51:12,802
- What idiot authorised that?
- You did.

2499
02:51:12,969 --> 02:51:14,368
What?

2500
02:51:14,529 --> 02:51:19,125
The order you signed yesterday giving
Government power over local authority land.

2501
02:51:19,289 --> 02:51:21,484
- Section 7, subsection 3.
- Get Humphrey.

2502
02:51:21,649 --> 02:51:24,925
He's on his way
and Mrs Philips is in the private office.

2503
02:51:25,089 --> 02:51:29,321
She's that last person I want to see.
This is the greatest disaster this century.

2504
02:51:29,489 --> 02:51:31,559
There were two world wars.

2505
02:51:31,729 --> 02:51:34,766
Fighting on the beaches is one thing,
evicting animals and children

2506
02:51:34,929 --> 02:51:37,045
for tax inspectors' cars is another.
Ah, Humphrey!

2507
02:51:38,329 --> 02:51:42,208
Minister, I saw you on television last night.
What a treat!

2508
02:51:42,369 --> 02:51:45,202
Never mind that,
what about the city farm being closed?

2509
02:51:45,369 --> 02:51:48,361
- The Treasury...
- It's got to be stopped!

2510
02:51:48,529 --> 02:51:52,238
Unfortunately, it's a Treasury decision
and beyond our jurisdiction.

2511
02:51:52,409 --> 02:51:55,958
- I shall revoke the order.
- That is impossible. Or difficult.

2512
02:51:56,129 --> 02:51:59,360
Or inadvisable.
Or requires legislation. One of those.

2513
02:51:59,529 --> 02:52:03,966
Anyway, it could not invalidate an action
taken while the order was in force.

2514
02:52:04,129 --> 02:52:07,360
<i>I don't care if it's the Queen and the Pope...</i>

2515
02:52:09,289 --> 02:52:11,883
- Judas!
- I say, look here.

2516
02:52:12,049 --> 02:52:14,165
- You promised to support us!
- I'm sorry...

2517
02:52:14,329 --> 02:52:17,241
You must see that our lease is renewed.

2518
02:52:17,409 --> 02:52:20,924
My dear lady, it's not in the Minister's p...

2519
02:52:23,569 --> 02:52:27,926
Mr Hacker, you have given your word.
Are you going to keep it?

2520
02:52:28,089 --> 02:52:33,561
I shall leave no stone... every avenue...
everything that is humanly possible...

2521
02:52:33,729 --> 02:52:36,038
- You mean, no.
- No.

2522
02:52:36,209 --> 02:52:40,168
Yes, I mean no. I mean yes. Definitely not. No.

2523
02:52:40,329 --> 02:52:42,479
Yes, I mean, no.

2524
02:52:43,449 --> 02:52:46,327
Very well. Don't say I haven't warned you.

2525
02:52:46,489 --> 02:52:50,721
My husband is Deputy
Features Editor of the Express.

2526
02:52:50,889 --> 02:52:55,280
Tomorrow morning your name will be manure.

2527
02:52:58,169 --> 02:53:01,559
You will be roasted alive by the national press.

2528
02:53:04,849 --> 02:53:10,321
It falls to few people to be,
in the space of 24 hours,

2529
02:53:10,489 --> 02:53:13,481
both St Francis and St Joan.

2530
02:53:14,889 --> 02:53:18,325
Humphrey, something must be done
to stop this farm closing.

2531
02:53:18,489 --> 02:53:20,923
Otherwise, we shall look a complete... (BUZZER)

2532
02:53:21,089 --> 02:53:25,241
- Yes? Sir Desmond Glazebrook is outside.
- What does he want?

2533
02:53:25,409 --> 02:53:28,879
- I can't imagine.
- Send him in!

2534
02:53:29,049 --> 02:53:31,643
It's Open Day at the Department!

2535
02:53:31,809 --> 02:53:35,961
Minister, I was passing and I've had an idea.

2536
02:53:36,129 --> 02:53:39,804
If you gave us permission
for an extra nine storeys...

2537
02:53:39,969 --> 02:53:41,448
You asked for six!

2538
02:53:41,609 --> 02:53:45,921
If you gave us nine extra storeys,
we could postpone phase three

2539
02:53:46,089 --> 02:53:48,557
for seven years, leaving this site vacant.

2540
02:53:48,729 --> 02:53:52,199
I was reading this morning in the Financial Times

2541
02:53:52,369 --> 02:53:55,725
about your visit to the city farm,
a jolly good wheeze.

2542
02:53:55,889 --> 02:53:59,643
Our phase three site is only 200 yards away,

2543
02:53:59,809 --> 02:54:05,008
so you could use it to extend the farm,
or if they had to move, it's a bit larger.

2544
02:54:05,169 --> 02:54:10,448
We thought of calling it
"The James Hacker Cuddly Animal Sanctuary."

2545
02:54:12,089 --> 02:54:14,728
Well, "Animal Sanctuary", anyway.

2546
02:54:14,889 --> 02:54:18,006
Nine storeys isn't very much, is it?

2547
02:54:19,169 --> 02:54:21,729
"James Hacker Animal Sanctuary."

2548
02:54:25,569 --> 02:54:31,166
Government has to be awfully careful
about throttling small businesses.

2549
02:54:31,329 --> 02:54:34,480
The bank isn't actually a small business.

2550
02:54:34,649 --> 02:54:37,368
It would be if we throttled it, Bernard.

2551
02:54:38,569 --> 02:54:43,723
After all, what is another tower block
where there are so many?

2552
02:54:43,889 --> 02:54:46,164
(SIR HUMPHREY) Yes, indeed, Minister.

2553
02:54:46,329 --> 02:54:48,968
I shall be forced to reconsider my decision.

2554
02:54:49,129 --> 02:54:52,439
We'll be able to give Sir Desmond his six storeys...

2555
02:54:52,609 --> 02:54:53,928
Nine.

2556
02:54:54,089 --> 02:54:58,128
Nine storeys. Let's make a press announcement.

2557
02:54:58,289 --> 02:55:00,519
To the James Hacker Animal Sanctuary!

2558
02:55:00,689 --> 02:55:05,285
- You were worried about London Transport.
- They will be glad of the extra fares.

2559
02:55:05,449 --> 02:55:07,041
As for the school...

2560
02:55:07,209 --> 02:55:09,677
They might welcome the shade.

2561
02:55:09,849 --> 02:55:12,602
In the hot weather, certainly.

2562
02:55:12,769 --> 02:55:16,079
- And privacy?
- There are two sides to privacy.

2563
02:55:16,249 --> 02:55:20,322
People might enjoy looking
at what goes on in those offices.

2564
02:55:20,489 --> 02:55:23,049
Extraordinary things go on in offices, don't they?

2565
02:55:23,209 --> 02:55:25,484
Yes, Minister.

2566
02:56:50,631 --> 02:56:54,988
You'll let me have your redraft
on establishment levels by Thursday?

2567
02:56:55,151 --> 02:56:57,426
You need it that early?

2568
02:56:59,111 --> 02:57:01,227
I don't need it that early,

2569
02:57:01,391 --> 02:57:04,827
but the Minister has to read it
before facing the select committee.

2570
02:57:04,991 --> 02:57:08,427
What makes it harder, he has to remember it.

2571
02:57:08,591 --> 02:57:11,549
Harder still, he has to understand it.

2572
02:57:11,711 --> 02:57:15,590
Incidentally, did you write
the Minister's Washington speech?

2573
02:57:16,431 --> 02:57:18,023
Yes, Sir Humphrey.

2574
02:57:18,191 --> 02:57:21,228
- Splendid. Well done.
- Thank you, Sir Humphrey.

2575
02:57:21,391 --> 02:57:23,347
The Minister's in now.

2576
02:57:23,511 --> 02:57:26,264
Good. Right, thank you all.

2577
02:57:26,431 --> 02:57:30,140
Have you enjoyed having
your Minister away for a week?

2578
02:57:30,311 --> 02:57:33,303
Not very much. Makes things very difficult.

2579
02:57:33,471 --> 02:57:35,826
Ah, Bernard!

2580
02:57:35,991 --> 02:57:39,222
A Minister's absence is a godsend!

2581
02:57:39,391 --> 02:57:42,701
You can do the job properly for once.

2582
02:57:42,871 --> 02:57:47,786
No silly questions, no bright ideas,
no fussing about the papers.

2583
02:57:47,951 --> 02:57:53,742
I think our Minister doesn't believe he exists
unless he's in the papers.

2584
02:57:53,911 --> 02:57:58,985
I'll bet the first thing he says is,
"Any reports on my Washington speech?"

2585
02:57:59,151 --> 02:58:00,948
- How much?
- A pound.

2586
02:58:01,111 --> 02:58:04,342
Done. He won't because he's already asked!

2587
02:58:06,191 --> 02:58:09,706
In the car on the way back from Heathrow.

2588
02:58:09,871 --> 02:58:12,829
You're learning, Bernard. Sit down.

2589
02:58:12,991 --> 02:58:15,983
See why a Minister's absence is a good thing?

2590
02:58:16,151 --> 02:58:20,110
- Yes, but so much work piles up.
- There we are.

2591
02:58:20,271 --> 02:58:25,061
With a couple of days' briefing
before he goes and debriefing after,

2592
02:58:25,231 --> 02:58:27,870
he's out of our hair for a fortnight.

2593
02:58:28,031 --> 02:58:33,663
If he complains of being uninformed,
say it came up while he was away.

2594
02:58:33,831 --> 02:58:36,584
Hence so many summit conferences?

2595
02:58:36,751 --> 02:58:39,219
That's the only way the country works!

2596
02:58:39,391 --> 02:58:43,543
Concentrate all the power
at Number 10 then send the PM away

2597
02:58:43,711 --> 02:58:48,341
to EEC summits, NATO summits,
Commonwealth summits, anywhere!

2598
02:58:48,511 --> 02:58:52,550
Then the Cabinet Secretary
can run the country properly.

2599
02:58:52,711 --> 02:58:55,384
We ought to see him now.

2600
02:58:55,551 --> 02:58:58,509
What do you think of the Washington speech?

2601
02:58:58,671 --> 02:59:03,142
"British administration as a model
of loyalty and efficiency.

2602
02:59:03,311 --> 02:59:07,224
"A ruthless war on waste,
cutting bureaucracy to the bone.

2603
02:59:07,391 --> 02:59:10,303
- "Britain can teach the world!"
- Can we prove it?

2604
02:59:10,471 --> 02:59:15,420
A good speech isn't one where
we can prove he's telling the truth.

2605
02:59:15,591 --> 02:59:19,300
It's one in which nobody else can prove he's lying!

2606
02:59:19,471 --> 02:59:24,750
But even so, I'm sure it was good,

2607
02:59:24,911 --> 02:59:29,302
but I just wondered whether
it was boring for the audience.

2608
02:59:30,911 --> 02:59:33,744
Of course it was boring!

2609
02:59:34,671 --> 02:59:37,060
Bored the pants of them!

2610
02:59:37,231 --> 02:59:40,621
Ghastly to have to sit through it, I should think!

2611
02:59:40,791 --> 02:59:43,703
Ministers' speeches aren't written
for the audience.

2612
02:59:43,871 --> 02:59:45,190
Aren't they?

2613
02:59:45,351 --> 02:59:50,983
Delivering a speech is just a formality
you go through to get into the papers.

2614
02:59:51,151 --> 02:59:55,144
We can't worry about entertaining.
We're not writing for a comedian.

2615
02:59:55,311 --> 02:59:57,984
Well, not a professional one!

2616
02:59:58,711 --> 03:00:01,703
The point is the speech said the right things.

2617
03:00:01,871 --> 03:00:05,989
- But why say it in public?
- It's vital.

2618
03:00:06,151 --> 03:00:10,986
Once it's printed, the Minister has
to defend us in select committees.

2619
03:00:11,151 --> 03:00:16,271
- He defends us anyway.
- Well... only to a point, Bernard.

2620
03:00:16,431 --> 03:00:18,706
Once something goes wrong,

2621
03:00:18,871 --> 03:00:23,991
the Minister's first instinct is
to rat on his department.

2622
03:00:24,151 --> 03:00:26,904
We must nail his trousers to the mast.

2623
03:00:27,071 --> 03:00:30,859
- You mean nail his colours?
- No, his trousers.

2624
03:00:31,031 --> 03:00:34,182
Then he can't climb down! Come on.

2625
03:00:37,551 --> 03:00:40,384
- Welcome home, Minister!
- Hello, Humphrey.

2626
03:00:40,551 --> 03:00:45,579
Bernard, didn't you say there were
some press cuttings on my speech?

2627
03:00:45,751 --> 03:00:48,788
Yes, I put them in the box, Minister.

2628
03:00:58,871 --> 03:01:03,501
Minister, you do realise
the importance of tomorrow's hearing?

2629
03:01:03,671 --> 03:01:06,060
Indeed. The press will be there.

2630
03:01:06,231 --> 03:01:08,904
It's not just a question of the press.

2631
03:01:09,071 --> 03:01:12,188
It's a scrutiny of this department's
future operation.

2632
03:01:12,351 --> 03:01:15,707
If it emerged that we were
extravagant or incompetent...

2633
03:01:15,871 --> 03:01:18,863
- Are we extravagant or incompetent?
- Of course not.

2634
03:01:19,031 --> 03:01:23,388
But there are hostile members,
especially the one for Derbyshire.

2635
03:01:23,551 --> 03:01:26,941
- No! Betty Oldham won't be there?
- Yes, alas.

2636
03:01:27,111 --> 03:01:32,060
I urge you to master this brief,
and ask if you have any problems.

2637
03:01:32,231 --> 03:01:36,383
Another brief? I've only just mastered one.

2638
03:01:36,551 --> 03:01:38,781
Really? What was in it?

2639
03:01:39,911 --> 03:01:41,822
I can't remember.

2640
03:01:41,991 --> 03:01:46,781
So difficult to concentrate on a plane,
all those drinks and movies.

2641
03:01:47,591 --> 03:01:50,947
- And they wake you up.
- Of course, Minister.

2642
03:01:51,111 --> 03:01:54,626
Frightfully difficult to concentrate
if you keep being woken up.

2643
03:01:54,791 --> 03:02:00,946
Seriously, this is the only brief with possible
questions from the committee

2644
03:02:01,111 --> 03:02:04,899
with appropriate answers carefully
presented to give our position.

2645
03:02:05,071 --> 03:02:07,107
Is it absolutely accurate?

2646
03:02:07,271 --> 03:02:10,183
They're carefully presented to give our position.

2647
03:02:11,471 --> 03:02:14,941
These committees are important.
I cannot be seen to mislead them.

2648
03:02:15,111 --> 03:02:17,784
You will not be seen to mislead them.

2649
03:02:17,951 --> 03:02:20,749
- The truth?
- And nothing but.

2650
03:02:20,911 --> 03:02:23,061
- The whole truth?
- Of course not.

2651
03:02:23,231 --> 03:02:26,303
- We tell them we keep secrets?
- Indeed not!

2652
03:02:26,471 --> 03:02:28,348
Why not?

2653
03:02:28,511 --> 03:02:31,628
"He that would keep a secret
must keep it secret,

2654
03:02:31,791 --> 03:02:35,420
"that he hath the secret to keep."

2655
03:02:39,951 --> 03:02:41,942
Who said that?

2656
03:02:42,751 --> 03:02:44,742
It was Sir Humphrey.

2657
03:02:46,511 --> 03:02:50,709
- Who said it originally?
- Francis Bacon, wasn't it?

2658
03:02:50,871 --> 03:02:52,270
Oh, yes.

2659
03:02:52,431 --> 03:02:55,229
Why can't we go anywhere without briefs?

2660
03:02:55,391 --> 03:02:58,906
In case they get caught with their trousers down.

2661
03:02:59,711 --> 03:03:02,589
Trousers down! Pick them...!

2662
03:03:03,471 --> 03:03:05,382
Very droll, Bernard.

2663
03:03:05,551 --> 03:03:09,544
- Are we going to be interrupted?
- Your diary's empty today.

2664
03:03:09,711 --> 03:03:12,384
What was in that submission I read?

2665
03:03:12,551 --> 03:03:15,623
More or less a rehash of last year's report.

2666
03:03:15,791 --> 03:03:18,305
And the year before? And the year before that?

2667
03:03:18,471 --> 03:03:20,666
Yes, ever since 1867.

2668
03:03:20,831 --> 03:03:24,141
With appropriate alterations.
Shall we go through it?

2669
03:03:24,431 --> 03:03:26,581
Must we? I'm still jet-lagged.

2670
03:03:26,751 --> 03:03:28,981
All the press will be there.

2671
03:03:29,151 --> 03:03:31,187
Right, let's get down to it.

2672
03:03:31,991 --> 03:03:36,223
The fact is that the Department
of Administrative Affairs

2673
03:03:36,391 --> 03:03:40,669
is run to a high standard of efficiency
and supports and services

2674
03:03:40,831 --> 03:03:44,870
the administrative work
of all Government departments,

2675
03:03:45,031 --> 03:03:47,101
as we've said in our submission.

2676
03:03:47,271 --> 03:03:50,024
Thank you, Minister. Questions?

2677
03:03:50,191 --> 03:03:52,500
- Mrs Oldham?
- Thank you.

2678
03:03:52,671 --> 03:03:55,708
Minister, have you heard of Malcolm Rhodes?

2679
03:03:57,751 --> 03:03:59,104
No.

2680
03:03:59,271 --> 03:04:05,540
He was assistant secretary
in the DAA until he resigned last year.

2681
03:04:05,711 --> 03:04:08,669
There are 23,000 people in the DAA.

2682
03:04:08,831 --> 03:04:11,789
But he resigned or was eased out.

2683
03:04:11,951 --> 03:04:15,705
Became a management consultant
and has just written a book -

2684
03:04:15,871 --> 03:04:18,021
this is an advance proof -

2685
03:04:18,191 --> 03:04:23,106
in which he makes astounding
allegations of waste of public money,

2686
03:04:23,271 --> 03:04:25,466
particularly in your department.

2687
03:04:26,991 --> 03:04:30,381
Could I have a word with my officials,
Mr Chairman?

2688
03:04:30,551 --> 03:04:33,861
- Know about this?
- Not about the book.

2689
03:04:34,031 --> 03:04:37,307
- Who is Rhodes?
- He's a trouble-maker.

2690
03:04:37,471 --> 03:04:39,701
- What's in the book?
- Don't know.

2691
03:04:39,871 --> 03:04:42,066
- What do I do?
- Stall.

2692
03:04:42,231 --> 03:04:44,825
"Stall", meaning avoiding answer.

2693
03:04:44,991 --> 03:04:47,551
Yes, I know what stall means!

2694
03:04:47,711 --> 03:04:50,987
You've sent me into a typhoon
without even an umbrella!

2695
03:04:51,151 --> 03:04:53,187
An umbrella's no use in wind...

2696
03:04:53,351 --> 03:04:55,262
Shut up, Bernard!

2697
03:04:56,151 --> 03:05:00,030
Have you had sufficient consultation
with your officials?

2698
03:05:00,191 --> 03:05:01,510
I...

2699
03:05:01,671 --> 03:05:06,461
Let me read you some
scandalous facts Mr Rhodes reveals,

2700
03:05:06,631 --> 03:05:11,386
and I quote, "No 4 supply
depot in Herefordshire,

2701
03:05:11,551 --> 03:05:15,226
"two former aircraft hangars
used only for stores

2702
03:05:15,391 --> 03:05:19,623
"but which are centrally-heated
to 70 degrees day and night."

2703
03:05:19,791 --> 03:05:24,706
- What do you say about that?
- I can't answer without prior notice.

2704
03:05:24,871 --> 03:05:28,546
- It might not be true.
- It is. I checked.

2705
03:05:28,711 --> 03:05:32,499
What reason can there be
for such appalling extravagance?

2706
03:05:32,671 --> 03:05:37,461
Some materials deteriorate at low
temperatures, depending on what it is.

2707
03:05:38,071 --> 03:05:39,629
Copper wire.

2708
03:05:41,311 --> 03:05:44,383
Yes, well... copper wire?

2709
03:05:44,551 --> 03:05:47,349
It can corrode in damp conditions.

2710
03:05:47,511 --> 03:05:50,230
It's plastic-coated.

2711
03:05:50,391 --> 03:05:51,904
Plastic-coated?

2712
03:05:52,071 --> 03:05:53,390
I...

2713
03:05:53,551 --> 03:05:57,544
Plastic-coated? I'll certainly have it looked into.

2714
03:05:58,151 --> 03:06:04,101
He says you insist on ordering all pens,
pencils, paperclips and so on centrally,

2715
03:06:04,271 --> 03:06:07,468
then distributing them against
departmental requisitions.

2716
03:06:07,631 --> 03:06:11,624
That seems to be quite sensible.
Savings through bulk purchase.

2717
03:06:11,791 --> 03:06:15,989
He demonstrates that this is
four times more expensive

2718
03:06:16,151 --> 03:06:21,020
than if officers bought what
they want on the High Street.

2719
03:06:21,191 --> 03:06:23,182
Very interesting.

2720
03:06:23,951 --> 03:06:27,546
If so, we'll change the system.
We're not a rigid bureaucracy.

2721
03:06:27,711 --> 03:06:32,739
He said he proposed this change
when he was in your department,

2722
03:06:32,911 --> 03:06:37,826
and it was turned down as people
were used to the existing procedure.

2723
03:06:37,991 --> 03:06:42,985
- How's that for rigid bureaucracy?
- I'll have it looked into.

2724
03:06:43,871 --> 03:06:46,465
- "Looked into"?
- Yes!

2725
03:06:46,631 --> 03:06:49,941
You said in your Washington
speech last week

2726
03:06:50,111 --> 03:06:55,981
that you conducted a war on waste
and could teach the world a lesson.

2727
03:06:56,151 --> 03:07:01,179
How do you reconcile that with
spending �75,000 on a roof garden

2728
03:07:01,351 --> 03:07:05,344
on top of the supplementary
benefits office in Kettering?

2729
03:07:06,791 --> 03:07:08,110
I'm... I'll...

2730
03:07:08,271 --> 03:07:11,946
- Have it looked into?
- Yes! Yes, I will!

2731
03:07:12,111 --> 03:07:17,231
The DAA's Permanent Secretary
is due to appear next week.

2732
03:07:17,391 --> 03:07:20,827
Isn't he the appropriate person
to answer the questions?

2733
03:07:20,991 --> 03:07:25,587
Thank you. See that Sir Humphrey's notified.

2734
03:07:25,751 --> 03:07:29,187
Perhaps you might let him see the allegations?

2735
03:07:29,351 --> 03:07:33,469
"Allegations of Government waste"?
"Big questions to answer"?

2736
03:07:33,631 --> 03:07:37,510
- You've put me in a difficult position!
- What about me?!

2737
03:07:37,671 --> 03:07:43,029
The PM's demanding economies,
and we've been wasting all this money!

2738
03:07:43,191 --> 03:07:46,467
No one's been saving anything,
you should know that!

2739
03:07:47,031 --> 03:07:49,340
They look as though they have.

2740
03:07:49,511 --> 03:07:52,469
- Couldn't you have stalled?
- Stalled?

2741
03:07:52,631 --> 03:07:55,225
Blurred things a bit.

2742
03:07:55,391 --> 03:07:58,110
- You're good at blurring the issue.
- What?

2743
03:07:58,271 --> 03:08:01,343
You have a considerable talent
for making things unintelligible.

2744
03:08:01,511 --> 03:08:05,743
- I beg your pardon!
- I mean that as a compliment.

2745
03:08:05,911 --> 03:08:10,302
Blurring the issue is one
of the basic ministerial skills.

2746
03:08:10,471 --> 03:08:11,790
And the others?

2747
03:08:11,951 --> 03:08:14,260
Delaying decisions, dodging questions,

2748
03:08:14,431 --> 03:08:18,140
juggling figures, bending facts
and concealing errors.

2749
03:08:18,311 --> 03:08:20,506
What was I to do?

2750
03:08:20,671 --> 03:08:24,107
Make it look like you'd do
something and do nothing.

2751
03:08:24,271 --> 03:08:26,102
Like you usually do.

2752
03:08:27,151 --> 03:08:30,507
- But if these revelations are true...
- Exactly, Minister, "if".

2753
03:08:30,671 --> 03:08:33,185
You could have discussed truth.

2754
03:08:33,351 --> 03:08:36,423
The committee isn't interested in truth.

2755
03:08:36,591 --> 03:08:39,059
They're all MPs!

2756
03:08:40,191 --> 03:08:45,106
- What about a security matter?
- HB pencils a security matter?!

2757
03:08:46,071 --> 03:08:48,141
Depends what you write with them!

2758
03:08:48,311 --> 03:08:51,383
Why build roof gardens on top of offices?

2759
03:08:51,551 --> 03:08:55,260
We took over the office design
from an American company,

2760
03:08:55,431 --> 03:09:00,107
and it happens that nobody noticed
the roof gardens on the plan.

2761
03:09:00,271 --> 03:09:01,590
God!

2762
03:09:02,991 --> 03:09:05,664
It's a tiny mistake anyone could make.

2763
03:09:05,831 --> 03:09:09,949
Tiny mistake, �75,000? Give me
an example of a big mistake?

2764
03:09:10,111 --> 03:09:12,909
Letting people find out about it!

2765
03:09:13,871 --> 03:09:16,943
Why are we heating sheds full of wire?

2766
03:09:17,111 --> 03:09:20,103
- You want the truth?
- If it's no trouble.

2767
03:09:20,271 --> 03:09:24,059
The staff are using the sheds
for growing mushrooms.

2768
03:09:25,151 --> 03:09:26,470
Stop them!

2769
03:09:27,151 --> 03:09:30,029
They've been doing it since 1945.

2770
03:09:30,191 --> 03:09:33,183
It's the only perk in an extremely boring job.

2771
03:09:33,351 --> 03:09:36,502
What about Rhodes's proposals for stationery?

2772
03:09:36,671 --> 03:09:41,586
He was a trouble-maker and crank,
unhealthily obsessed with efficiency.

2773
03:09:41,751 --> 03:09:44,948
Why didn't we adopt his proposals
and save millions?

2774
03:09:45,111 --> 03:09:48,865
- Yes, but a lot of work to implement.
- So?

2775
03:09:49,031 --> 03:09:51,750
- Taking on more staff.
- Humphrey!

2776
03:09:51,911 --> 03:09:54,345
- Disprove it.
- I can't, obviously.

2777
03:09:54,511 --> 03:09:56,581
- Exactly!
- Making it up?

2778
03:09:56,751 --> 03:09:58,901
- Of course.
- Why?

2779
03:09:59,071 --> 03:10:03,462
As an example of how to handle
a select committee.

2780
03:10:06,071 --> 03:10:09,347
Sir Humphrey, let's get down to details.

2781
03:10:09,511 --> 03:10:12,662
- This heated aircraft hangar.
- Indeed.

2782
03:10:12,831 --> 03:10:18,508
I do understand your concern,
but it gets frightfully cold in Herefordshire.

2783
03:10:18,671 --> 03:10:22,061
- Even civil servants...
- We aren't talking about civil servants.

2784
03:10:22,231 --> 03:10:26,622
We're talking coils of wire
plastic-coated to keep them warm!

2785
03:10:27,511 --> 03:10:30,662
- Staff are in and out all the time.
- Why?

2786
03:10:30,831 --> 03:10:35,905
Taking deliveries, making
withdrawals, checking records,

2787
03:10:36,071 --> 03:10:37,789
fire inspections...

2788
03:10:37,951 --> 03:10:42,945
- They can wear gloves, can't they?
- But it's a staff welfare policy.

2789
03:10:43,591 --> 03:10:47,709
I suggest this policy is costing
the taxpayer millions!

2790
03:10:49,751 --> 03:10:51,662
Nothing to say?

2791
03:10:51,831 --> 03:10:53,981
I can't comment on Government policy.

2792
03:10:54,151 --> 03:10:59,862
- But you advise the Minister.
- I can't disclose how I advise him.

2793
03:11:00,031 --> 03:11:05,981
- The Minister's responsible for policy.
- All right. We'll ask the Minister.

2794
03:11:06,831 --> 03:11:09,299
What about stationery savings?

2795
03:11:10,151 --> 03:11:15,669
It would've meant considerable
Government patronage on junior staff.

2796
03:11:15,831 --> 03:11:17,822
"Considerable Government patronage"?

2797
03:11:17,991 --> 03:11:20,744
Buying a packet of paperclips?

2798
03:11:20,911 --> 03:11:27,384
It's Government policy to exercise
strict control over who can spend its money.

2799
03:11:27,551 --> 03:11:31,430
It's common sense to let
people buy their own paperclips.

2800
03:11:31,591 --> 03:11:35,584
Government policy is nothing
to do with common sense.

2801
03:11:38,631 --> 03:11:42,306
Don't you think it's time
the policy was changed?

2802
03:11:42,471 --> 03:11:43,824
Well, Sir Humphrey?

2803
03:11:43,991 --> 03:11:47,301
I can't comment on Government policy.
Ask the Minister.

2804
03:11:47,471 --> 03:11:49,860
The Minister advises us to ask you.

2805
03:11:50,031 --> 03:11:52,670
I'm advising you to ask the Minister.

2806
03:11:52,831 --> 03:11:56,426
- When does this end?
- As soon as you like.

2807
03:11:57,271 --> 03:11:59,546
Let's come to the roof garden.

2808
03:11:59,711 --> 03:12:01,702
Yes, with pleasure.

2809
03:12:03,111 --> 03:12:09,061
This was part of a wide variety
of roof insulation schemes,

2810
03:12:09,231 --> 03:12:13,509
which the Government was testing
in the interest of fuel economy.

2811
03:12:13,671 --> 03:12:16,231
But �75,000!

2812
03:12:16,391 --> 03:12:20,942
It was thought the sale of vegetable
produce might offset the cost.

2813
03:12:21,111 --> 03:12:22,703
And did it?

2814
03:12:22,871 --> 03:12:26,341
- No.
- Then why not abandon the garden?

2815
03:12:26,511 --> 03:12:30,982
It's there now, insulating the roof,
and we aren't building any more.

2816
03:12:31,751 --> 03:12:34,470
But you've wasted �75,000!

2817
03:12:34,631 --> 03:12:37,907
All proposals were tested for fuel saving.

2818
03:12:38,391 --> 03:12:43,465
At this fantastic waste of taxpayers' money?
You agree it was wasted?

2819
03:12:43,631 --> 03:12:46,907
I can't comment on Government policy.
Ask the Minister.

2820
03:12:47,071 --> 03:12:52,429
Look, whatever we ask the Minister,
he says is a question for you.

2821
03:12:52,591 --> 03:12:56,664
Whatever we ask you,
you say is a question for the Minister!

2822
03:12:56,831 --> 03:13:02,827
- How do we find out what's going on?
- Yes, I see there is a dilemma here.

2823
03:13:02,991 --> 03:13:07,667
While the Government regards policy
as the responsibility of Ministers

2824
03:13:07,831 --> 03:13:10,823
and administration
as the responsibility of officials,

2825
03:13:10,991 --> 03:13:13,664
questions of administrative policy
cause confusion

2826
03:13:13,831 --> 03:13:18,666
between the policy of administration
and the administration of policy,

2827
03:13:18,831 --> 03:13:23,188
especially when responsibility
for the policy of administration

2828
03:13:23,351 --> 03:13:28,061
conflicts with responsibility for
the policy of administration of policy.

2829
03:13:31,991 --> 03:13:35,142
That's a load of meaningless drivel.

2830
03:13:35,311 --> 03:13:37,029
Isn't it?

2831
03:13:37,911 --> 03:13:42,109
I can't comment on Government policy.
You must ask the Minister.

2832
03:13:42,631 --> 03:13:45,589
- A great help!
- I did my best.

2833
03:13:45,751 --> 03:13:50,666
Best for yourself, perhaps!
But your answers solved nothing.

2834
03:13:50,831 --> 03:13:55,746
We'll both be there, getting the third
degree from that committee.

2835
03:13:55,911 --> 03:13:58,744
We've got to have the same answers!

2836
03:13:58,911 --> 03:14:02,142
- Let's establish our position.
- What are the facts?

2837
03:14:02,311 --> 03:14:04,905
The facts are neither here nor there!

2838
03:14:05,951 --> 03:14:07,350
I see. What's our position?

2839
03:14:07,511 --> 03:14:14,428
We choose one of the five standard
excuses to deal with each allegation.

2840
03:14:14,591 --> 03:14:17,059
Five standard excuses?

2841
03:14:17,231 --> 03:14:21,509
First, the excuse we used
in the Anthony Blunt case:

2842
03:14:21,671 --> 03:14:24,504
"There's an explanation for everything,

2843
03:14:24,671 --> 03:14:27,663
"but security forbids its disclosure."

2844
03:14:28,511 --> 03:14:31,662
Second, the excuse we used
for comprehensive schools:

2845
03:14:31,831 --> 03:14:37,030
"Because of budget cuts, supervisory
resources went beyond their limits."

2846
03:14:37,191 --> 03:14:40,740
- That's not true, is it?
- But it's a good excuse.

2847
03:14:40,911 --> 03:14:43,027
Then there's the excuse for Concorde:

2848
03:14:43,191 --> 03:14:45,546
"A worthwhile experiment, now abandoned,

2849
03:14:45,711 --> 03:14:50,546
"but not before it had provided
much valuable data and employment."

2850
03:14:50,711 --> 03:14:53,669
But that is true, isn't it?

2851
03:14:53,831 --> 03:14:55,947
Oh, no, of course it isn't.

2852
03:14:56,631 --> 03:15:00,590
Four, there's the excuse
for the Munich Agreement:

2853
03:15:00,751 --> 03:15:05,222
"It occurred before important facts
were known and couldn't re-occur."

2854
03:15:05,391 --> 03:15:07,029
What important facts?

2855
03:15:07,191 --> 03:15:10,501
That Hitler wanted to conquer Europe.

2856
03:15:11,031 --> 03:15:14,910
- I thought everybody knew that!
- Not the Foreign Office.

2857
03:15:15,951 --> 03:15:17,942
- Five?
- Five...

2858
03:15:18,111 --> 03:15:20,705
The Charge of the Light Brigade excuse:

2859
03:15:20,871 --> 03:15:23,146
"An unfortunate lapse by an individual,

2860
03:15:23,311 --> 03:15:27,065
"dealt with under internal
disciplinary procedures."

2861
03:15:27,991 --> 03:15:31,506
- That covers everything?
- Just about, so far.

2862
03:15:32,031 --> 03:15:34,591
- Even wars?
- Small wars.

2863
03:15:35,991 --> 03:15:41,384
- It's real teamwork from now on.
- United we stand, divided we fall!

2864
03:15:41,551 --> 03:15:43,906
Minister, you're due at the House.

2865
03:15:44,071 --> 03:15:49,429
The PM's adviser wants you to pop in
for a drink. Sir Mark Spencer.

2866
03:15:50,311 --> 03:15:52,347
- Mark Spencer?
- I suggested 5.30?

2867
03:15:52,511 --> 03:15:55,821
Fine, yes. Oh, dear. I knew there'd be trouble.

2868
03:15:55,991 --> 03:16:00,143
The PM wants to know why
our replies have been so feeble.

2869
03:16:00,311 --> 03:16:02,825
Perhaps it's just for a drink.

2870
03:16:02,991 --> 03:16:06,904
They don't ask you for a drink
just because you're thirsty!

2871
03:16:07,391 --> 03:16:12,067
I'll meet you back here at 6.30,
and we'll cook up a story.

2872
03:16:12,911 --> 03:16:16,904
- Agree our position, Minister.
- That's what I said.

2873
03:16:41,511 --> 03:16:43,183
(KNOCK AT DOOR)

2874
03:16:43,351 --> 03:16:45,387
Come in!

2875
03:16:46,631 --> 03:16:48,349
Hello, Jim.

2876
03:16:48,511 --> 03:16:50,706
- Scotch?
- Thanks.

2877
03:16:51,591 --> 03:16:54,264
- How are things going?
- Fine.

2878
03:16:54,431 --> 03:16:59,221
That select committee was a shock,
throwing the book at us,

2879
03:16:59,391 --> 03:17:04,306
but everything's under control
and Humphrey and I can explain it.

2880
03:17:04,471 --> 03:17:06,268
The PM shouldn't worry.

2881
03:17:06,431 --> 03:17:11,425
I'd like to know where Malcolm Rhodes
got all his information.

2882
03:17:11,591 --> 03:17:15,823
And who gave the proofs to Betty Oldham?
The PM must be livid.

2883
03:17:15,991 --> 03:17:18,141
It's no fault of mine.

2884
03:17:18,311 --> 03:17:21,986
- Why do you think the PM's livid?
- Surely...?

2885
03:17:22,151 --> 03:17:26,224
Let's look at the situation logically.
Sit down.

2886
03:17:26,391 --> 03:17:28,382
Yes. Of course.

2887
03:17:28,551 --> 03:17:31,019
Let me ask you some questions.

2888
03:17:31,711 --> 03:17:35,545
What is the PM trying to achieve
in public expenditure?

2889
03:17:35,711 --> 03:17:39,226
- Cuts, obviously.
- Why so little success?

2890
03:17:39,391 --> 03:17:44,385
- Obstruction from the civil service?
- Are all the Cabinet committed to it?

2891
03:17:44,551 --> 03:17:49,579
- I think so. I certainly am.
- But no Minister's made any cuts.

2892
03:17:51,351 --> 03:17:54,582
- Rome wasn't built in a day.
- No.

2893
03:17:54,751 --> 03:17:57,823
It's because all the Ministers have gone native.

2894
03:17:57,991 --> 03:18:01,461
- Surely...?
- The civil service has trained them!

2895
03:18:01,631 --> 03:18:04,828
Well, maybe true... Certainly not of me!

2896
03:18:04,991 --> 03:18:08,700
If a Minister were really trying to cut expenditure,

2897
03:18:08,871 --> 03:18:13,342
how would he react to a book
exposing Government waste?

2898
03:18:13,511 --> 03:18:15,581
- I should think he'd...
- Mmm?

2899
03:18:17,191 --> 03:18:19,751
It would depend...

2900
03:18:20,631 --> 03:18:22,781
What are you trying to say?

2901
03:18:22,951 --> 03:18:27,547
Know what the civil service say?
You're a pleasure to work with.

2902
03:18:27,711 --> 03:18:29,030
Oh!

2903
03:18:30,511 --> 03:18:32,149
Oh...

2904
03:18:32,311 --> 03:18:35,860
That's what Barbara Woodhouse
says about her spaniels.

2905
03:18:37,511 --> 03:18:40,708
Sir Humphrey said
you're worth your weight in gold.

2906
03:18:40,871 --> 03:18:43,226
What does that suggest to you?

2907
03:18:43,391 --> 03:18:46,189
That I've failed utterly?

2908
03:18:46,351 --> 03:18:49,866
You look as if you need another Scotch.

2909
03:18:50,031 --> 03:18:55,549
The PM isn't pleased with my performance
at the committee.

2910
03:18:55,711 --> 03:18:59,784
- I failed to cover up the failure.
- On the contrary.

2911
03:18:59,951 --> 03:19:03,227
He's not pleased
because you're covering up too well.

2912
03:19:03,391 --> 03:19:07,270
Don't you see? You're protecting the civil service.

2913
03:19:07,431 --> 03:19:10,229
The PM and I are doing our best

2914
03:19:10,391 --> 03:19:15,067
to expose why cuts in expenditure
are not taking place.

2915
03:19:15,231 --> 03:19:19,429
And you are helping the civil service
to defy the Government.

2916
03:19:19,591 --> 03:19:21,900
Am I?

2917
03:19:22,071 --> 03:19:25,063
You were wondering where
Betty Oldham got the proofs

2918
03:19:25,231 --> 03:19:29,224
and where Malcolm Rhodes
got that inside information.

2919
03:19:29,391 --> 03:19:31,382
Can't you guess?

2920
03:19:32,151 --> 03:19:34,790
(WHISPERS) You mean... the PM?

2921
03:19:34,951 --> 03:19:37,226
Of course not!

2922
03:19:39,111 --> 03:19:40,430
Not directly.

2923
03:19:42,031 --> 03:19:44,784
(WHISPERS) You mean... you?

2924
03:19:46,671 --> 03:19:49,822
What am I to do at the select committee?

2925
03:19:49,991 --> 03:19:53,984
There's only one course
open to you. Absolute loyalty.

2926
03:19:56,271 --> 03:19:58,546
Who to?

2927
03:20:00,231 --> 03:20:02,699
That's your decision.

2928
03:20:05,511 --> 03:20:10,141
It was an error that occurred
before important facts were known.

2929
03:20:10,311 --> 03:20:14,748
I assure you it is an oversight
that couldn't possibly happen again.

2930
03:20:14,911 --> 03:20:18,506
- Wouldn't you agree, Minister?
- Perfectly correct.

2931
03:20:18,671 --> 03:20:21,947
The correct official reply.

2932
03:20:22,111 --> 03:20:27,139
But I've been thinking very deeply
over the last few days,

2933
03:20:27,311 --> 03:20:31,668
and there's no doubt that
this committee is on to something.

2934
03:20:31,831 --> 03:20:34,629
Of course there's waste.

2935
03:20:35,591 --> 03:20:38,867
And excuses can always
be found in individual cases.

2936
03:20:39,031 --> 03:20:42,228
But you have convinced me
our approach is wrong.

2937
03:20:42,391 --> 03:20:47,146
Ministers and their civil servants
so often cover up and defend

2938
03:20:47,311 --> 03:20:50,383
where they should seek out and destroy.

2939
03:20:54,751 --> 03:20:58,426
I've spoken to Mr Rhodes,
author of this invaluable book,

2940
03:20:58,591 --> 03:21:01,389
and he'll head an independent enquiry

2941
03:21:01,551 --> 03:21:05,942
into the field of administration,
starting with my department.

2942
03:21:06,111 --> 03:21:09,467
And how does Sir Humphrey react to this?

2943
03:21:10,551 --> 03:21:14,100
Sir Humphrey is in complete agreement with me.

2944
03:21:14,271 --> 03:21:19,265
We work as a team. I must say,
he's a pleasure to work with.

2945
03:21:20,471 --> 03:21:23,702
But this account of what's been going on

2946
03:21:23,871 --> 03:21:28,820
doesn't square with your Washington
speech about a war on waste.

2947
03:21:28,991 --> 03:21:33,428
Well, I'm an old-fashioned sort of chap, Betty,

2948
03:21:34,551 --> 03:21:37,349
and I believe in a thing called loyalty.

2949
03:21:37,511 --> 03:21:43,461
Whatever you say in private
you defend in public, eh, Humphrey?

2950
03:21:43,631 --> 03:21:46,782
In that case, aren't you being disloyal now?

2951
03:21:48,151 --> 03:21:51,507
No. I believe a Minister has a higher loyalty.

2952
03:21:51,671 --> 03:21:54,344
A loyalty to Parliament and the nation.

2953
03:21:55,031 --> 03:21:58,546
And that loyalty must be paramount,

2954
03:21:58,711 --> 03:22:01,305
however hard and painful that may be.

2955
03:22:01,471 --> 03:22:04,986
Of course, one is loyal
to one's department and officials,

2956
03:22:05,151 --> 03:22:09,702
until the evidence is overwhelming,
but I must say in public,

2957
03:22:09,871 --> 03:22:12,943
that reforms can and will take place,

2958
03:22:13,111 --> 03:22:18,310
and I know I shall find
in Sir Humphrey my staunchest ally.

2959
03:22:18,471 --> 03:22:20,701
Isn't that so, Humphrey?

2960
03:22:20,871 --> 03:22:22,782
(CROAKS) Yes, Minister.

2961
03:22:22,951 --> 03:22:25,181
Yes, Minister.

2962
03:22:25,351 --> 03:22:28,104
- A big help!
- I did my best.

2963
03:22:28,271 --> 03:22:32,150
The best for yourself! This is
your idea of teamwork? Amusing!

2964
03:22:32,311 --> 03:22:35,542
- I had to do it.
- Had to do what?

2965
03:22:35,711 --> 03:22:38,350
Cravenly admit everything to them?

2966
03:22:38,511 --> 03:22:41,583
Don't you realise how calamitous this is for us?

2967
03:22:41,751 --> 03:22:45,300
- Not both of us, I hope.
- You hope in vain.

2968
03:22:45,471 --> 03:22:48,941
We're up in arms,
with very little confidence in you.

2969
03:22:49,111 --> 03:22:52,148
As for Number 10, I shudder to think

2970
03:22:52,311 --> 03:22:56,145
how the PM will react
to your public admission of failure.

2971
03:22:56,311 --> 03:22:59,383
A personal letter from the Prime Minister.

2972
03:23:01,591 --> 03:23:04,185
I did warn you, Minister.

2973
03:23:04,351 --> 03:23:07,070
Bernard, you should give some thought

2974
03:23:07,231 --> 03:23:11,668
to drafting a face-saving letter
of resignation for the Minister.

2975
03:23:13,551 --> 03:23:15,746
"Dear Jim..."

2976
03:23:15,911 --> 03:23:17,947
"Dear Jim"?

2977
03:23:19,311 --> 03:23:22,621
"We haven't seen enough of each other lately.

2978
03:23:22,791 --> 03:23:25,942
"Are you free for lunch at Chequers on Sunday?

2979
03:23:26,111 --> 03:23:31,185
"We shall just be the family.
I look forward to seeing you."

2980
03:23:31,871 --> 03:23:34,510
I don't think I...?

2981
03:23:35,391 --> 03:23:37,427
It has paid off!

2982
03:23:38,391 --> 03:23:41,667
A conspiracy! That drink with Mark Spencer!

2983
03:23:41,831 --> 03:23:44,789
"...not seen enough... Lunch at Chequers..."

2984
03:23:44,951 --> 03:23:49,263
It's hand-written!
Do you realise how much it's worth?

2985
03:23:49,431 --> 03:23:52,821
I believe the going rate is thirty pieces of silver!

2986
03:23:53,831 --> 03:23:58,029
No, Humphrey. Loyalty and integrity
have received their just rewards.

2987
03:23:58,191 --> 03:23:59,988
Loyalty?!

2988
03:24:00,151 --> 03:24:05,066
I have backed you up the same way
you have always backed me up.

2989
03:24:05,231 --> 03:24:06,983
Isn't that so?

2990
03:24:08,231 --> 03:24:10,791
Sorry? Did you say something?

2991
03:24:11,871 --> 03:24:14,339
I think he said, "Yes, Minister."