Tell me, General. Where's the hotline?
- Which one? - The one to Russia.
The red hotline, sir.
It's in Downing Street.
- I can get through to the Soviet president? - Theoretically, yes.
- Theoretically? - That's what we tell journalists.
We did once get through to the Kremlin, but only to a switchboard operator.
- Couldn't the operator put you through? - Never found out. Didn't speak much English.
- How often is it tested? - Not too often.
It creates unnecessary panic at the other end,
and panic is a good thing to avoid where nuclear weapons are concerned.
- Yes. - Now, this is it.
Ah, good.
- What is it? - The trigger, Prime Minister.
- The trigger? - The nuclear trigger, the button.
- This? - Indirectly, yes.
This is the telex communication with HMS Northwood.
You send a coded signal and Northwood's telex operator sends an authentication signal.
So he knows it's from you.
When the instruction's been authenticated,
Northwood sends a command to a Polaris submarine and they press the button.
- Just like that? - Just like that.
- When I say so? - When you say so.
Wouldn't anybody argue with me?
Serving officers obey orders without question.
What if I were to get drunk?
On the whole, it would be safer if you didn't.
Blimey!
It's your job and you wanted it, Prime Minister.
- Supposing I were to go off my rocker? - The Cabinet might notice.
I wouldn't count on it. Seriously, supposing I did and then changed my mind?
That's all right. No one would ever know, would they?
- How many bombs are there? - Four Polaris submarines, 16 missiles on each.
- But how many actual bombs? - 192.
Each one at least five times the power of the Hiroshima bomb.
You're thinking, ''Not very many.''
I don't know. That seems enough.
Not with 1200 Soviet missiles trained on Britain, waiting to retaliate.
- 1200? - Hmm.
Britain's always fought against the odds - the Armada, Battle of Britain.
Yes, and we'll have a great deal more firepower when we get Trident.
Thank goodness for conventional forces!
They would hold the Russians for at most 72 hours.
- Is that all? - Hmm.
So in an emergency, I would have to make an instant decision?
- No, you'd probably have 12 hours. - 12 hours?
Shouldn't we do something about this?
Yes, but for 20 years, politicians have said they can't afford the conventional forces.
Conventional forces are very expensive, Prime Minister.
Much cheaper just to press a button.
So how long should we allow for this meeting?
- 72 hours... - Fine.
It's only the New Zealand High Commissioner.
Isn't 72 hours a bit generous?
I was just thinking how long we could hold the Russians.
If we persuaded the Americans to strengthen THEIR conventional forces...
I don't think it'll make much difference.
The American troops in Germany are all so drug-ridden,
they don't know which side they're on anyway.
And during the last NATO exercises,
the U.S. troops dispersed and picnicked in the woods with lady soldiers.
- What about the other NATO armies? - They're all right. On weekdays, anyway.
Weekdays?
The Dutch, Danish and Belgian armies go home for the weekend.
So if the Russians are to invade, we'd prefer them to do it between Mondays and Fridays?
- Is this widely known? - If I know it, I'm sure the Russians do.
The Kremlin usually gets NATO information before it filters through to Number 10.
- So it comes back to Trident? - When it comes.
- If it works. - If it wor...
- What do you mean? - Normally, when new weapons are delivered,
the warheads don't fit the ends of the rockets.
That's what happened to Polaris. You know the sort of thing, wiring faults, microchip failure.
We couldn't fire Polaris for some years. Cruise is probably the same. Trident might be too.
We should take the manufacturers to court.
We can't risk the publicity - security and they know it!
- We should change the manufacturers. - We do all the time.
The manufacturers know that too. That's why that torpedo landed on Sandwich golf course.
Sandwich golf course? I didn't read that in the papers.
Of course not. There was a cover-up.
The members just found a new bunker on the 7th fairway the next morning.
- So the torpedoes don't work either? - No, only the new ones. The others are fine.
The ones designed during the Second World War.
- Over 40 years ago? - They had lots of testing.
- You can't afford that with the modern ones. - Why not?
Well, if there's a nuclear war, it won't last long enough for the weapons to be tested.
Are there other things I don't know about the UK's defence?
I don't know, Prime Minister. I don't know what you don't know.
The government's chief scientific adviser sees the problem differently from the MoD.
- I'd like to see him now. - A late drink might be wiser.
Better not to let the Cabinet Office know.
Sir Humphrey gets upset. He doesn't regard him as one of us.
I thought he won the DSO at Arnhem.
That doesn't make up for speaking with an Austrian accent.
He didn't go to Oxford or Cambridge. He didn't even go to the LSE.
Prime Minister, you believe in the nuclear deterrent?
- Oh, yes. - Why?
- Pardon? - Why?
Because it deters.
- Whom? - Pardon?
- Whom? Whom does it deter? - The Russians from attacking us.
- Why? - Pardon?
Why?
They know if they launched an attack, I'd press the button.
- You would? - Well, wouldn't I?
Well, would you?
At the last resort, yes, I certainly would.
Well, I think I certainly would. Yes.
- And what is the last resort? - If the Russians invaded western Europe.
You only have 12 hours to decide, so you're saying the last resort is the first response?
Am I?
You don't need to worry. Why should the Russians annex the whole of Europe?
They can't even control Afghanistan.
No, if they try anything, it will be salami tactics.
- Salami tactics? - Slice by slice.
One small piece at a time.
So will you press the button if they invade West Berlin?
- It all depends. - On what?
Scenario one.
Riots in West Berlin,
buildings in flames.
East German fire brigade crosses the border to help. Would you press the button...?
The East German police come with them. The button...?
Then some troops, more troops just for riot control, they say.
And then the East German troops are replaced by Russian troops. Button...?
Then the Russian troops don't go.
They are invited to stay to support civilian administration.
The civilian administration closes roads and Tempelhof Airport.
- Now you press the button? - I need time to think about it.
- You have 12 hours. - Have I?
- You're inventing this. - You are Prime Minister today.
The phone might ring now from NATO HQ.
(PHONE RINGS)
Hello...? Yes. NATO HQ, Prime Minister.
Can you address their annual conference in April?
I thought I could. I'm not so sure now.
Yes.
Scenario two.
The Russian army accidentally on purpose cross the West German frontier.
- Is that the last resort? - No.
Right, scenario three.
Suppose the Russians have invaded West Germany, Belgium, Holland, France?
Suppose their tanks and troops have reached the English Channel and are poised to invade?
- Is that the last resort? - No.
Why not?
We'd only fight a nuclear war to defend ourselves. That would be committing suicide!
So what is the last resort? Piccadilly?
Watford Gap service station?
The Reform Club?
- Maybe the nuclear deterrent makes no sense. - Yes, it does.
If the Russians or Americans have the bomb, so must the other side.
- And keep Polaris just in case. - What are you proposing?
Cancel Trident. Spend the £15 billion you save on conventional forces.
- You wouldn't really press the button. - I might if I had no choice.
They'll never put you in a situation where you have no choice. They'll stick to salami tactics.
Supposing we cancel Trident and channel £15 billion into conventional forces?
- What do we spend it on? Tanks? - No, we spend it on E.T.
Extra-terrestrials?
Emergent technology.
- What's that? - Smart missiles, target finding, infrared.
- Who would operate this E.T? - A large conventional army.
A large convention...
I've got an idea.
Wait a minute!
I think I can see how to do this. First, we cancel Trident.
- Yes. - We don't buy Cruise either.
- Yes. - Then we introduce conscription.
Yes.
Not only do we solve our defence problems, we solve our unemployment problems as well.
Isn't conscription a courageous policy?
Courageous? Oh, my God, is it?
No, no. In times of full employment, it would be.
But now we'd just give unemployed young people something to do.
We'd teach them trades and skills. We might even teach them to read.
The army never discharged anyone who was illiterate. We could make them wash.
We'd give them a comprehensive education to make up for their comprehensive education.
Call it ''national service''. Send the young people out into the community services.
With one policy, we solve our defence, educational and unemployment problems.
This is wonderful. I see it all now.
''A new deal for Britain - Hacker's Grand Design.''
From time to time in our great island story,
it falls to one man...
to lead his people out of the valley of the shadow
and into the sunlit uplands of peace and prosperity.
- Why didn't I think of this before? - Because we only just met.
Hello, darling!
- What's for lunch? - You tell me.
- Are you going somewhere? - Voluntary services committee. I did tell you.
Oh, yes, of course. I just thought a few scrambled eggs or something.
I think there's some eggs in the fridge.
- You want me to do it? - We agreed that I'd carry on with my work.
- Yes, of course. - Foreign Office telegrams, Prime Minister.
- Put them over there. - It's bad enough living in this goldfish bowl.
Every time I want to go out, I have to walk past a dozen journalists and 50 gawping tourists!
- There's no privacy anywhere. - That's not true.
(KNOCKS) Sorry, Prime Minister. Security check. Can I just look around?
- Yes, carry on. - Privacy?
- You can always walk in the garden. - With about 60 people staring at you!
It's like exercising in a prison yard. And we pay rent for this place. They should pay US!
- At least it's quiet. - (BRASS BAND PLAYS)
- Usually. - That's been going on since half past seven!
- They've got to practise somewhere. - Why here?
- That's the Horse Guards' Parade. - All clear, Prime Minister.
Annie, you must realise that a career in public service involves some sacrifice.
Fine, you sacrifice your lunch. I'm late.
- I'm hungry! - Aw!
- What did you have for YOUR lunch? - Half a Yorkie bar.
Where's the other half?
Ah, Bernard!
- Yes, Prime Minister. - Had a good lunch?
- Oh, quite good. - Where did you have it?
- In the Cabinet mess. - Three courses?
Er, yes.
- Wine? - A glass of claret, yes.
Would you like to know what I had for my lunch?
- Do you want to tell me, Prime Minister? - Nothing!
Are you dieting?
It seems there are facilities for feeding you and all the private secretaries,
the Cabinet Office, the Press Office, the messengers, but not for me - and I live here!
- Can't Mrs Hacker cook for you? - She's out at work.
- We'll get you a cook. - Who'll pay for it?
- You will. - How much?
- 8,000 to 10,000 a year. - I can't afford that!
- Talk to the Cabinet Secretary. - Bring him here now.
He's due here any minute. Shall we press on with the affairs of the nation?
Stuff the affairs of the nation. I want a cook!
I'll look into it. Malcolm Warren from the Press Office would like a word.
OK, bring him in.
- Good afternoon, Prime Minister. - Good afternoon, Malcolm.
Could we keep this brief?
Yes, two things. First, we'll discuss your first appearance on TV as Prime Minister.
Perhaps we ought to leave it until we've time to do it thoroughly. What's the other thing?
- Your official visit to Washington. - What about it?
- A lot of press want to come. - Let them.
- It'll be very expensive. - Malcolm!
I shall be standing on the White House lawn side by side with the President of the USA.
National anthems, two world leaders together.
We will tell the world about our happy relationship,
our unity, resolve,
a few words perhaps about my own courage, wisdom, statesmanship.
Can't you realise how important this is to me? Well, not to me, to Britain.
Our place in the world, my place in the history books.
- Yes, Prime Minister. - Come in, Humphrey. Thank you, Malcolm.
- Malcolm... - Humphrey!
- I've been thinking... - Good.
I've been Prime Minister for, let me see, three days now.
And a very good PM you are, too!
I'm not fishing for compliments, though it has been going well.
Oh, indeed.
It's nice to be able to reward one's old allies. Was Ron Jones pleased with his peerage?
Yes, Prime Minister. He said his members would be delighted.
- His members? - Of his union. The National Federation...
I didn't mean him. I meant our backbencher!
I meant to give a peerage to Ron Jones, not Ron Jones!
Bloody hell!
If it's any consolation, he was awfully pleased.
I bet he was! What are we going to do about Ron Jones's peerage? Give him one too?
Prime Minister, we can't send two Lord Ron Jones to the upper house.
It'll look like a job lot.
- I've got to give him something. - Does he watch television?
- He hasn't even got a set. - Fine. Make him a governor of the BBC.
- Anything else? - Yes, one small thing.
- I need a cook/housekeeper for the flat. - You can advertise.
- No, a government cook/housekeeper. - That could be difficult.
- Why? - It's a private home.
I just want somebody to cook my lunch. It's not unreasonable.
No, it's just not possible.
I can blow up the world, but not ask for scrambled eggs?
- You can ASK for them. - What if I asked the German ambassador?
That's OK - official engagement, government hospitality.
We'll provide a seven-course meal with wine and brandy.
The German ambassador's lunch is government business, but mine isn't?
That is so. Any ambassador's.
Fine. Bernard, get the diary. On Monday, I'll have lunch with the German ambassador.
On Tuesday, with the French ambassador; on Wednesday, with the American ambassador,
on Thursday, with the New Zealand High Commissioner.
- How many countries in the UN? - 158.
That'll take up six months, then we'll start round again.
You can't have lunch with ambassadors every day. There will be other official lunches.
Even better. We'll fill up the odd gaps.
The Foreign and Commonwealth Office might have some views on that.
They say that one Prime Minister's lunch with an ambassador
destroys two years of patient diplomacy.
I'm not quite sure how they'd react to 158.
- It's absurd that no one caters for us here. - It's been like that for 250 years.
- That's the clinching argument? - For 250 years, yes.
It can't have been the clinching argument for 250 years.
50 years ago, it had only been the clinching argument for 200 years
and 100 years ago...
Sorry.
Humphrey, I want a cook/housekeeper and I want you to see that she's paid for.
Well, let me put it like this.
Do you want the press to announce that your first act as Prime Minister
was to give yourself a salary increase of £8,000 to £10,000?
We wouldn't tell them.
We have no alternative. Prime Ministers' expenses must be published.
- There's no way that we can't not tell them? - Open government. Freedom of information.
We should always tell the press freely and frankly anything
that they could easily find out some other way.
- There must be some solution. - There hasn't been for 250 years.
Now may we discuss government business? You were saying that you'd been thinking.
Ah, yes. We're agreed that so far my premiership has been a great success.
Oh, indeed.
I've been asking myself what can I do to continue this run of success.
Have you considered masterly inactivity?
No, Humphrey, a Prime Minister must be firm.
Indeed. How about firm masterly inactivity?
No, I shall be firm.
I've decided to cancel Trident, channel £15 billion into conventional forces
and reintroduce conscription.
At one stroke, we shall solve our defence, balance of payments,
unemployment and educational problems all at once.
What do you say, Humphrey?
You can't reorganise the entire defence of the realm just like that.
I'm the Prime Minister. I have the power.
Yes, within the law and the constitution and the constraints of administrative precedent,
budgetary feasibility and cabinet government.
- You'll buy Cruise instead? - No, no more nuclear weapons.
But, Prime Minister... You're not a secret unilateralist?
- No, we still have Polaris. - Polaris is a ramshackle old system.
The Soviets might develop a ballistic missile defence system which could intercept Polaris.
- By when? - In strategic terms, any day now.
By what year precisely?
2020? But that's sooner than you think!
Are you saying that this nuclear defence system would stop all 192 Polaris missiles?
Not all, virtually all - 97%.
That would leave five bombs that would get through?
- A mere five! - Obliterating Moscow, Leningrad and Minsk.
Yes, but that's about all.
Enough to make the Russians stop and think.
But it's not fair. With Trident we could obliterate the whole of eastern Europe!
- I don't want to! - It's a deterrent.
- It's a bluff. I probably wouldn't use it. - They don't know you probably wouldn't.
- They probably do. - Yes, probably, but they can't certainly know.
They probably certainly know.
Yes, but though they probably certainly know that you probably wouldn't,
they don't certainly know that although you probably wouldn't,
there's no probability that you certainly would!
What?
It all boils down to one simple issue.
You are the Prime Minister of Great Britain. Shouldn't Great Britain have the best?
Yes, of course.
If you walked into a nuclear missile showroom, you would buy Trident!
It's lovely, it's elegant, it's beautiful.
It is quite simply the best, and Britain should have the best.
In the world of the nuclear missile, it is the Savile Row suit,
the Rolls-Royce Corniche,
the Château Lafite 1945.
It is the nuclear missile Harrods would sell you.
What more can I say?
That it costs £15 billion and we don't need it.
You can say that about anything at Harrods.
(MURMUR OF CONVERSATION)
Ah, General! I was hoping to have a word with you.
I wanted to sound you out about something. You'll not like it.
- Tell me the worst. - It will be very unpopular with the services.
- I'm planning to cancel Trident. - Good idea.
Now, hold on, don't jump in too quickly. No good trying to argue...
- What did you say? - It's a good idea.
- You're in favour? Why? - We don't need it. Complete waste of money.
- That's what I said. - You're right.
- The whole defence staff agree? - The navy want to keep it.
Take away Trident and they'd hardly have a role left.
- And the RAF? - You could ask them.
If you're interested in the opinion of garage mechanics. They'd want to keep it.
They want to drop the bomb from an aeroplane.
They just like dropping things on people, but they're no good at it.
Couldn't even close the runway at Port Stanley.
Probably never find Moscow, and if they did they'd miss it.
How do we get the policy through if only the army is in favour?
As you know, the Chief of Defence Staff job is becoming vacant.
Technically, it's the navy's turn, but it's your decision.
If you appoint a soldier, it's up to you.
General, aren't you the most senior soldier?
As it happens, I believe I am.
Thank you. Good advice.
Prime Minister, this is Mrs Glossop.
- Extraordinary thing! - What?
I've come across a Prime Minister with a bit of sense.
Really? Where? Which is the lucky country?
Ours. He's cancelling Trident. I could hardly believe my ears.
I'm surprised you're happy about reintroducing conscription.
- He didn't say anything about conscription. - Slashes unemployment, wins votes.
We're an elite army, best in the world. Professional, tough, disciplined.
We can't bring in a mob of punks and freaks and junkies and riff-raff.
A quarter of a million football hooligans?
- Peeling potatoes in Aldershot? - I thought you'd say that.
- It'll be just an ordinary army. - Like the one that won the last war?
All this equal opportunity nonsense, like America!
They don't know if the troops posted to them are men or women, not until they arrive.
- Sometimes not even then. - Quite!
- Much better to keep Trident. - I thought you'd say that.
- You must stop him. - One can't just stop the Prime Minister.
- What do we do? - We must slow him down.
After a few months, most new Prime Ministers have more or less ground to a halt anyway.
I'll have a word with the American ambassador tomorrow morning.
- Good idea. - I thought you'd say that.
Oh, hello!
I want to make sure that the BBC and ITN get good coverage on the White House lawn.
Shot of me and the President. Then there'll be more photo coverage inside the White House.
Splendid.
Then there'll be coverage of me and the President at the start of talks the next day.
Then the President will say goodbye to me.
I hope he takes my elbow with his left hand. He did that with the West German Chancellor.
Any chance of ensuring that beforehand with the embassy?
That could be difficult. Could you look at the Cabinet agenda?
I don't know what we have embassies for.
Any time you ask them to do something really important, important for Britain...
- Weren't we to discuss scrapping Trident? - Indeed we were, Prime Minister.
But I thought in the first instance you might think it wiser to go into it thoroughly,
review all the implications, as we are discussing the defence of the realm.
- You're trying to stop me, Humphrey. - No, but the Cabinet must have all the facts.
That's a novel idea.
There is a special reason why I thought you might want to leave it for a while.
I've learned from the American ambassador informally that they would be very upset
if we were to cancel Trident and not order another of their missiles instead.
I might as well have it out with the President.
That's the point. The agenda of your meeting with the President must be agreed in advance.
You can't just go over there for a chat.
- Why not? - Well, you...
You might not think of anything to say.
If this proposal of yours were to be put to the Americans, there would be a change of plan.
- What change of plan? - Your meeting would not be with the President.
- You'd be entertained by the Vice-President. - The Vice-President?!
- You can't be serious! - I'm afraid so, Prime Minister.
Even Botswana was met by the President. I saw it on the news.
Botswana hadn't just cancelled an order for Trident.
I'm sure they'll explain that the President had catarrh or bruised his thumb or something.
Fallen asleep perhaps.
This meeting with the President is vital for PR.
Then you should postpone the Trident discussion.
A Prime Minister must show that there is a new mind and a firm hand at Number 10.
He must be seen to have made his mark.
- But you have, Prime Minister. - How?
A cook... seconded from the Cabinet Office canteen?
To cook lunch for me here at the flat?
Something that none of your predecessors ever accomplished.
A place in the history books.
I say! We've shown them who's in charge, haven't we?
Indeed we have, Prime Minister.
A new mind and a firm hand and Trident.
A place in the history books, you say.
Oh, leave Trident off the Cabinet agenda for the time being. That is my firm decision.
- All right? - Yes, Prime Minister.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Sir Humphrey is waiting to see you, Prime Minister.
Thank you, Bernard. Show him in.
Yes, Prime Minister.
- Good morning, Prime Minister. - Ah, Humphrey, good morning.
How's the jet lag?
I'm not jet-lagged. No, I find that jet lag affects me more going the other way.
I felt frightfully tired at the White House. I can scarcely remember a thing he said.
He didn't really say much, Prime Minister. He was frightfully tired too.
Bit worrying, isn't it? Statesmen such as myself jetting all over the world,
attending major conferences on the future of mankind and we're zonked?
It would be, Prime Minister.
Perhaps that's why negotiations are done in advance by humble servants such as I.
They can hardly be left in the hands of the zonked.
Now, what did you want to see me about?
Prime Minister? Prime Minister!
Ah, yes, Bernard. Ah, Humphrey, good morning!
- You wanted to see me. - Oh. Did I?
- Don't you know what it was about? - He fell asleep before he told me.
I'll be back if I'm needed. Bernard, I'd like a word when you're free.
(DOOR CLOSES)
Ah, Bernard.
Remind me to see Humphrey...
..about something.
I suppose now I'm back, I've got a huge backlog of work?
- Not really. - No backlog?
Nothing at all. You have much less to do as Prime Minister. You don't have a department.
Bernard, you can't be serious.
Everything you've read about how hard a Prime Minister has to work is a bit of a myth really.
It's put out by the Press Office as a matter of course.
If you think about it, what do you have to do?
- Chair the Cabinet. - Two and a half hours a week.
- Chair a couple of Cabinet committees. - Four hours.
- Answer questions in the House twice a week. - Another half an hour.
- Er... - Audience with the Queen on Tuesdays.
- Another hour. - Seven and a half hours a week so far.
Bernard, there must be more to it than that.
You have to read all the briefs and we rush you from place to place shaking hands with people.
There's lots of things people want you to do and lots of things you should do
and any number of things you CAN do, but very few things you HAVE to do.
It's up to you. You're the boss.
Thank you, Bernard. I'll bear that in mind.
Let's have the Press Secretary in to discuss my first TV broadcast as Prime Minister.
Send Malcolm Warren up here straight away, please.
I was busy in America. It was a great success.
- Was it? - Of course it was, Bernard.
Haven't you read Malcolm's report? I was on all the news bulletins three nights running.
Special feature on ''Panorama'', 1,269 column inches in the nationals.
31 photos, 16 radio reports.
No, was it a success in terms of what it achieved?
I just told you.
No, what about agreements with the Americans?
Your private conversation with the President? You didn't tell me the result.
Oh, that. To begin with, I read him my brief and he read me his brief.
Then we decided it would be quicker if we just swapped briefs and read them to ourselves.
We spent most of the time rubbishing the French.
Terrific.
- Good. - (PHONE RINGS)
Yes...? Oh, thanks.
Malcolm Warren is on his way up, Prime Minister.
(SNORES)
(KNOCK AT DOOR)
Ah, Bernard. How's the Prime Minister and First Lord of the Treasury?
- Sleeping peacefully, Sir Humphrey. - Bernard, we have a problem.
- Who has? - You and I and the whole of Whitehall.
The problem is the Prime Minister's disastrous new defence ideas -
cancelling Trident, reintroducing conscription and all that rubbish.
- The Grand Design? - That's what he calls it.
- If it reduces unemployment... - What is the purpose of our defence policy?
- To defend Britain. - No, Bernard.
It is to make people BELIEVE Britain is defended.
- The Russians? - Not the Russians, the British!
The Russians know it's not.
It's for all our simple, ignorant people shuffling in and out of houses, buses, factories
and the Cabinet room.
We want to make them feel secure.
- But if there's a better way... - Bernard, we have a magic wand - Trident.
Nobody understands anything about it, except that it will cost £15 billion,
which means it must be wonderful, magical.
All we have to do is write a cheque and then we can all relax,
but if people in government start talking about it,
in the end, they'll start THINKING about it.
They will come to realise the problems, the flaws in the reasoning.
The nation will get worried - agitation, questions, criticism...change.
- Change? - Change.
There is one thing, though - this TV broadcast. Suppose he uses it to announce his new policy?
- It has to go through Cabinet and the House. - He can open the national debate.
You do not do that until the government has made up its mind.
- If the Prime Minister has made up his mind... - He must unmake it.
- But he's the Prime Minister. - Yes, indeed he is, Bernard.
He has his own car, a nice house in London, endless publicity and a pension for life.
What more does he want?
I think he wants to govern Britain.
Well, stop him, Bernard.
Should it be an interview or to camera?
Yes.
No, Prime Minister, it has to be one or the other.
What about an interview? Bernard, we're discussing a TV interview.
Robin Day, Brian Walden, Terry Wogan, Jimmy Young?
- Which do you think? - It depends how you want to appear.
The thinker, man of power, people's friend?
- All of them really. - They won't all interview you at the same time.
No, I want to be seen to have all those qualities.
Well, I think you should do it to camera.
Yes. At least it'll be me in charge and not all those failed MPs and jumped-up DJs.
- Fine. A party political? - No, a party political spells instant boredom.
I think it should be a ministerial broadcast, the Prime Minister addressing his people,
but I'll do it into the camera like a party political.
- I thought you said they were boring. - I didn't say I'D be boring, Bernard.
Do you think I'd be boring?
Boring? You?
- Have you done much talking to camera? - No, mostly interviews.
Then I'd better set up a practice session. What is the broadcast to be about?
- About? - Yes, about. What will it be about?
About me.
Yes, but what are you gonna say?
Say?
About policies.
Policies, yes. I thought it'd be the usual thing - go forward together, better tomorrow,
tighten your belt, all pull together, heal the wounds.
Yes, but what will you be saying specifically?
Oh, specifically.
Well, I thought I'd suggest that we all specifically tighten our belts.
And specifically heal the specific wounds in society. See what I mean?
It's entirely up to you, Prime Minister. I just thought if you had anything new to say...?
New?
Oh, new! Yes, of course! Get Humphrey back here, will you?
My Grand Design. That's what I wanted to talk to Humphrey about.
Sir Humphrey, the Prime Minister is making arrangements for his TV broadcast.
He wants to talk about his Grand Design and wonders if you...
Hello?
I think he's on his way.
- Grand Design? - I can't tell you now, but it's a big story.
I'll find a producer and set up a practice session in the meantime.
- That was quick. - You want to discuss a TV appearance?
Yes. It's not so desperately urgent.
Not remotely important.
My first television broadcast as Prime Minister?
Terribly important, of course, but not a crisis, not a panic.
I want to announce my new defence policy. What do you think?
- No! - Pardon?
- It's a mistake. - The policy?
Well, of course, it's tremendously refreshing to have a new mind on the problem.
Challenging the old ideas, questioning the whole basis of government thinking for 30 years.
- You don't approve of the policy? - It's not that.
There'll be implications, reverberations, repercussions.
We have to weigh the evidence, review, consult.
You get on with that and I'll announce it in the broadcast.
You can't. Not yet.
Well, we have to tell the Americans. They will have grave objections.
It will take many months of patient diplomacy. Delicate issues need sensitive handling.
Who is it who has the last word about the government of Britain?
The British Cabinet or the American President?
Do you know, that's a fascinating question!
- We often discuss it. - What conclusion have you arrived at?
Well, I must admit to being a bit of a heretic. I think it's the British Cabinet, but...
I know I'm in the minority.
From now on, you're in the majority.
I shall raise my Grand Design with the Overseas Defence Committee,
then I shall put it to Cabinet.
I've sounded most of them out privately.
They think it's a vote-winner... a major contribution to our defence.
I'll put it to the House, then announce it in my broadcast.
- Sorry, you can't announce it yet. - Well, if I can't, who can?
So let us be abundantly clear about this.
We cannot go on paying ourselves more than we earn.
The rest of the world does not owe us a living.
We must be prepared to make sacrifices and... Who wrote this rubbish?
You did, Prime Minister. It's one of your old speeches.
- What about a draft of the broadcast? - It's still only a draft.
- This is only a practice. - It's confidential.
- Everyone's been cleared. Go on. - Yes, Prime Minister.
- How was that, Godfrey? - Excellent, Prime Minister. Just one thing.
- Will you be wearing those glasses? - What do you think?
It's up to you. With them on, you look authoritative and commanding.
With them off, you look honest and open.
I want to look authoritative AND honest.
It's one or the other really.
I could start with them off and put them on when I talk?
- That just looks indecisive. - Oh, I see.
What about a monocle?
Let's just leave them off for the moment, shall we? Can we go again?
- Have you got that new script, Bernard? - Yes, Prime Minister.
The Trident programme is too expensive.
By cancelling it, we shall release billions of pounds
to fund an imaginative and radical attack on the nation's problems.
- What this country needs... - Can we hold it?
- What was wrong? - No, it was very good.
- Prime Minister... - Just a minute. Yes?
Do you mind not leaning forward? It makes you look as though you're selling insurance.
And also it makes you look up at the lens like a sort of suppliant.
You should be looking down from on high.
What this country needs... What this country needs...
Prime Minister, Malcolm and I have drafted a slightly different version to this speech.
''We shall review a wide range of options over the whole field of government expenditure.''
- This doesn't say anything. - Thank you, Prime Minister.
- Completely lacking impact. - You're too kind.
- No, I don't like it. - You could say ''urgently review''.
- No. - I do think it should be toned down a bit.
Any thoughts, Malcolm?
What about ''the Trident programme is a heavy burden on your tax bill.
''We should look at it carefully to see if it merits the £15 billion it costs.''
All right. It's OK to mention figures?
Yes. Practically no one takes them in and those who do don't believe them,
but it makes people think you've got the facts at your fingertips.
People don't know you're reading them off the teleprompter.
- Otherwise, it was fine? - You were going a bit slowly.
The teleprompter was going a bit slowly.
No, no. It follows your speed. Try going slow and then fast.
- Oh, I see. - And cue.
The...Trident...programme...is...a...heavy...
(VERY QUICKLY) ..burden on your tax bill. £15 billion is a lot of money.
I see what you mean, yes.
Would you mind not saying ''YOUR tax bill''?
Why not?
It makes you sound like the ruler talking to the ruled, them and us.
- What should I say? - ''OUR tax bill''? You pay taxes, too.
- Yes. Change that, Bernard. - It's still very direct.
- Good. Thank you, Bernard. - No, lots of people's jobs depend on Trident.
- Until there's been a consultation... - Yes. Malcolm?
We could say, ''Defence expenditure is one of those areas which we will look at closely
''to see if we can meet our defence needs at a lower cost.''
- Can you make it two sentences? - Why?
Prime Minister, we find that if a sentence goes on over three lines,
then by the time it gets to the end, most people will have forgotten how it began.
Two sentences, Malcolm.
And you are leaning forward again a bit.
That's what I do when I want to look sincere.
It makes you look like someone who wants to look sincere.
If you lean back, you look relaxed and in control.
That's it.
Don't lean back quite as far as that. It looks as though you've had a liquid lunch.
You can always underline bits of the script where you want to look sincere,
then you just frown and say them a bit more slowly.
Anything else?
Well, your face is a bit wooden.
Wooden?
Yeah, only when you're speaking.
In normal speech, you move your head and eyebrows and cheek muscles and so on.
Don't let the teleprompter turn you into a zombie. OK? And cue!
Defence expenditure is one of the areas...
which this government will be examining closely.
It may be that we can achieve the same...
Prime Minister, that's just a little bit too much.
You'll have heard a lot of nonsense from the opposition.
They say we waste money.
They say we're selling out to the United States.
I say look at the mess they made when they were in power,
look at the damage they did to the economy...
Could we hold it there? Prime Minister, if I might suggest, don't attack the opposition.
Oh. Those are the bits the party likes.
Now, the party will vote for you anyway.
You'll make the floating voter see you as an angry and divisive figure.
- I see. What should I say about them? - Don't mention them at all.
Everything you say has to make you sound warm and friendly.
Authoritative, of course, but affectionate.
The father of the nation.
Could we just run forward to that, um, that new bit?
Try lowering the pitch of your voice. All right?
(HIGH VOICE) We want...
(DEEP VOICE) We want to build a bright future for our children.
We want to build a peaceful and prosperous Britain,
a Britain that can hold her head high in the fellowship of nations.
This is rather good. Who wrote this?
Actually, it's from the last party political by the leader of the opposition.
As for your appearance, what will you wear?
- What do you suggest? - A dark suit represents traditional values.
- Fine, dark suit. - But a light suit looks business-like.
What about a lightish jacket with a darkish waistcoat?
I think that would look as though you've got an identity problem.
Excuse me, Prime Minister. Godfrey, could we have a word about make-up?
- Shall we darken the grey hair? - No, it's fine.
- And the receding hairline? - Receding what?
High forehead.
And can you try to do something about the eyes, make them look less close-set?
Sure.
Lighten the bags underneath.
- The nose is still a problem. - Problem?
No, just a lighting problem, Prime Minister. A very large, um, shadow.
The teeth, of course.
Could you smile, Prime Minister?
Yes...
Prime Minister, how would you feel about a little dental work?
Can we get on with this?
OK, we're going again.
Super. And cue the Prime Minister.
We shall review a wide range of options over the whole field of government expenditure...
- Bernard, this is what we started with. - I do think it's the most appropriate.
- What do you think, Godfrey? - It's up to you, Prime Minister.
All I can say is, if that's what you're going to say,
I suggest a very modern suit, hi-tech furniture,
high-energy yellow wallpaper, abstract paintings.
In fact, everything to disguise the absence of anything new in the speech.
I'll go back to my original dynamic speech about the Grand Design.
Fine, then it's the reassuring traditional background, dark suit, oak panelling,
leather volumes, 18th-century portraits.
One other thing - opening music.
Once again, Bach - new ideas; Stravinsky - no change.
I think I ought to have a British composer, something that would reflect my image.
- Elgar perhaps? - Elgar, yes, yes.
Not ''Land of Hope and Glory''.
What about the ''Enigma Variations''?
He's going to say something new and radical.
That silly Grand Design? Bernard, that was precisely what you had to avoid!
I shall need a very good explanation!
- He's very keen on it. - What's that got to do with it?
Things don't happen just because Prime Ministers are keen on them.
Neville Chamberlain was very keen on peace!
He thinks it's a vote-winner.
Ah. That's more serious. Sit down. What makes him think that?
The party did an opinion poll and all the voters were in favour of national service.
Have another opinion poll done showing they're AGAINST national service.
- They can't be for AND against it. - Ever been surveyed?
Yes. Well, not me, my house. Oh, I see what you mean.
Bernard, a nice young lady comes up to you.
You want to create a good impression, you don't want to look a fool, do you?
- No. - So she starts asking you some questions.
Mr Woolley, are you worried about the number of young people without jobs?
Yes.
Are you worried about rising crime among teenagers?
- Yes. - Do you think our schools lack discipline?
Yes.
Do you think young people welcome authority and leadership?
- Yes. - They like a challenge?
- Yes. - Would you be in favour of national service?
- I suppose I might be. - Yes or no?
- Yes. - After all you've told me, you can't say no.
They don't mention the first five questions and publish the last one.
Is that really what they do?
Not the reputable ones, but there aren't many of those.
Alternatively, the young lady can get the opposite result.
- How? - Mr Woolley, are you worried about war?
- Yes. - Are you worried about the arms race?
- Yes. - Is it dangerous giving young people guns?
- Yes. - Is it wrong to force people to take up arms?
- Yes. - Would you oppose national service?
Yes.
There you are, you see, Bernard. The perfect balanced sample.
So we just commission our own survey for the Ministry of Defence. See to it.
- What about the broadcast? - When will he do it?
Some time next month.
Tell him it'll be in 11 days' time.
That's a bit soon. Suppose he refuses?
Tell him that we've learnt from the Joint Broadcasting Committee
that the opposition will hold a party political in 18 days' time
and he can get his ministerial in first.
If he wants the first political broadcast of his premiership to be given by the opposition, fine.
Erm, is that true?
It will be... if you don't mention it till tomorrow.
- He could still announce his new policy. - I don't think so.
He'll have only one meeting with his Cabinet colleagues.
They're all in favour of it.
Only personally and politically, but are they in favour as responsible departmental ministers?
I see. That will depend on the advice they get.
I understand, of course, there's no question of our opposing this scheme to cancel Trident.
It's a question of holding back a little until we've thought through all the implications.
So what are you going to brief your man at Employment to say?
What are the others saying?
Will Dick brief the Foreign Secretary to say the Americans will hit the roof?
No, he thinks it might be more persuasive
to argue that cancelling Trident will look like weakness, appeasing the Soviets.
Good thinking.
Just as Norman won't tell his man at Defence
to say that the service chiefs won't have their elite forces diluted with riff-raff.
- But they won't? - He felt they needed another argument.
Two? Two arguments? Isn't that putting rather a strain on the Defence Secretary's somewhat...
Obsolete intellectual equipment? Yes.
He's just going to brief him that Trident is best and Britain must have the best.
Oh, good. Even the Defence Secretary should be able to handle that.
With a bit of coaching, yes.
And Giles? I know!
The National Union of Teachers are scared stiff that conscription will expose the fact
that school leavers, while tremendously integrated socially and creatively aware...
Can't actually read, write or do sums, yes.
Giles has got the Education Secretary worried
that the colleges prefer their education to be taken over by the services
and actually used for teaching people.
- We can't have that. - No. So what about your man at Employment?
It's the same problem.
The truth is the unions don't want kids undercutting them on community work.
Yes.
I don't think we need to bring the truth in at this stage.
Hold on.
Now, suppose he argues
that unemployed young people are, at the moment,
unfit, unorganised, undisciplined and untrained,
but that conscription will eventually release on to the streets
an army of fit young people, all trained to kill.
Good man!
Does he actually believe that?
He will by tomorrow morning.
Ah, Humphrey.
Gentlemen. Sorry.
Good committee, Prime Minister?
- Extraordinary. Extraordinary. - How extraordinary?
Last week, all my colleagues were all for my Grand Design.
And now?
The Foreign Secretary says it would appease the Soviets.
I hadn't thought of that.
The Defence Secretary says Trident is best and Britain must have the best.
Does he really? How fascinating!
The Education Secretary says conscription would undermine the educational system.
It is a worry. And the Employment Secretary?
Well, he goes on about a million unemployed trained fighters being let loose on the streets.
- Well, he has a point there. - I don't understand it.
Last week, they all thought my new defence policy was a winner. Can you explain it?
It's beyond me, Prime Minister. Yes, Bernard?
Sorry to interrupt, Prime Minister. The MoD said it was urgent.
What?
It seems that 74% of the population are against conscription.
74...? Good Lord!
The party poll said that 63% of the population was for it.
You see, party figures can be very unreliable, Prime Minister.
- Evidently. - May I suggest a compromise?
Well, it's clear that the committee's agreed that your new policy is an excellent plan,
but in view of some of the doubts expressed,
may I propose that after careful consideration, the considered view of the committee was
that while the proposal met with broad approval in principle,
some of the principles were sufficiently fundamental in principle
and some of the considerations so complex and finely balanced in practice
that in principle it was proposed that the sensible and prudent practice
would be to submit the proposal for more detailed consideration,
stressing the essential continuity of the new proposal with existing principles
and the principle of the principal arguments
which the proposer proposes and propounds for their approval...in principle.
What?
Don't refer to your Grand Design in your television broadcast on Friday.
- You're not suggesting I should abandon it? - Good heavens, no!
Heaven forbid! It is a most excellent policy!
All right. We'll look into it further before I say anything about it.
The TV people want a decision about the background scenery for the broadcast.
I suppose it had better be the modern suit with the hi-tech furniture and the yellow wallpaper.
And abstract paintings?
I suppose so. And Stravinsky?
(BOTH) Yes, Prime Minister.
Frank, the problem is all new Prime Ministers want to cut either taxes or public expenditure.
Thank you. That's what Hacker wants, too.
Politicians are like children.
You can't just give them what they want. It only encourages them!
But let's be clear about this, Humphrey.
The entire system hinges on you as Cabinet Secretary controlling the PM
and on me as Permanent Secretary at the Treasury controlling the Chancellor.
- Right? - Right.
And on both of us keeping an agreeable tension between them, mistrust, hostility.
Mind you, I think they'd manage that all right even without us.
The Chancellor will never forgive the Prime Minister for beating him to Number 10
and the Prime Minister will never trust the Chancellor.
- One never trusts anyone one has deceived. - Perhaps not.
But tax cuts unite them. They get them both votes.
Yes, but surely this tax cut is contingent upon the Prime Minister's fantasy
about cancelling Trident and switching to conventional forces.
Nevertheless, he is giving away £1.5 billion of our money!
It's unthinkable, even if only proposals. I had a real job getting the Chancellor to oppose it.
How did you do it?
I used the one about our needing the money for hospitals, schools and old people.
- The kidney machine gambit. - The caring Chancellor (!)
- Yes, that one. - It usually works.
But would a tax cut matter all that much? It's only £1.5 billion.
I agree, it's not much in itself. My worry is about you letting it get through so soon.
If I were in your shoes at the Treasury,
I'd be much more worried about the state of the economy, low productivity.
That's not our fault.
It's the British worker - fundamentally lazy, wants something for nothing.
The figures for absenteeism are going up and up. Nobody wants to do an honest day's work.
- Shocking! I must rush. - Busy afternoon?
Yes, indeed. I gather England are 70 for 3.
(APPLAUSE)
Whoa, whoa! Easy does it, Gerald.
Plenty more where that came from. Cheers. To the Civil Service!
To the British Tobacco Group and its chairman.
Thank you.
Ah!
I do love a good afternoon's cricket.
You know, you chaps at BTG are national benefactors really.
We like to think so.
You know, Gerald, I've got a small favour to ask on behalf of the Royal Opera House.
Now, as you know, Covent Garden is more or less run from the Cabinet Office.
But I'm told that one or more productions are threatened next year, lack of funds.
Well, I've got the Minister for Sport coming along this afternoon.
I know he wants to twist my arm on behalf of Wimbledon or Brands Hatch or something.
Covent Garden... We'll see what we can do.
Oh, I don't know where we'd all be without you.
Tell me, have you ever invited Peter Thorne?
- The Minister of Health? - You always included them.
This one's been got at by the anti-smoking lobby.
Oh, silly man!
Very silly. He hasn't got much clout in Whitehall, has he?
None at all. He's just a minister.
Good shot!
Was he out?
Humphrey, this paper says that if we cancel Trident and bring in conscription,
we shall have £1.5 billion for tax cuts, and what do I find?
- What do you find, Prime Minister? - The Chancellor opposes me.
A great chance to be popular with the voters and he says no. Doesn't that surprise you?
No.
Why doesn't it surprise you?
He's advised by the Treasury and they don't believe in giving money back.
- It's not theirs. It's the taxpayers'. - That's not the view the Treasury takes.
- Not once they've got it. - But if they don't need it?
- Sorry? - If they don't need it.
- Taxation isn't about what you need. - What is it about?
The Treasury doesn't work out what they need to spend and then think how to raise the money.
What DOES it do?
They pitch for as much as they think they can get away with, then think what to spend it on.
If you start giving money back because you don't need it,
you're breaking with centuries of tradition.
- What would happen to the British Navy? - We still need a navy.
We have four capital ships, so we need only four admirals and one Admiral of the Fleet.
- How many Admirals have we got? - 60.
The Treasury's the most powerful department as it controls all the money.
If you take away its money, you take away its power, so they resist.
- How will the Treasury agree to tax cuts? - Get the Chancellor to agree.
- How will the Chancellor agree? - Get the Treasury to agree.
- This is impossible. - Yes, Prime Minister, it is impossible.
- We must be able to force the Treasury's hand. - Yes, by forcing the Chancellor's hand.
- How do I force the Chancellor's hand? - By forcing the Treasury's hand.
Can't YOU persuade the Chancellor? He's your Cabinet colleague.
That's the point. I need help from somebody who's on my side.
The Minister of State at the DHSS is here.
- Show him in. Thank you, Humphrey. - Thank you, Prime Minister.
- Dr Thorne, Prime Minister. - Peter, come in.
Sit down.
Now, you wanted to talk to me about...?
- Cigarettes. - Ah, yes.
- You read my paper? - Yes, absolutely.
How did you react?
Well, I...wonder if you could summarise it in your own words.
Those WERE my own words.
Yes, yes, exactly, of course.
But the Prime Minister often finds that a brief summary focuses on the salient points.
Salient points, precisely.
Well, briefly, I'm proposing that the government should take action to eliminate smoking,
a complete ban on all cigarette sponsorship and advertising,
£50 million to be spent on anti-smoking publicity,
a ban on smoking in all public places and progressive tax rises over the next five years
until a packet of 20 costs about the same as a bottle of whisky.
Isn't that rather drastic?
Absolutely. It should reduce smoking by at least 80%, 90% if we're lucky
and drive tobacco companies out of business.
Yes. Well, Peter, of course, you know I agree with you basically.
Smoking should be stopped.
No question. And we will stop it in due course.
At the appropriate juncture, in the fullness of time.
- You mean forget it? - No, absolutely not.
But we must be realists. You and I weren't born yesterday.
- No, and we didn't die yesterday. - No. What?
300 people did prematurely as a result of smoking.
100,000 deaths a year at least.
It's appalling, but you know what the Treasury would say?
They'd say that smoking brings in £4 billion a year in revenue.
- You can't beat the Treasury. - Not with financial arguments.
But this is a moral argument.
Yes, but even...
Wait a minute. I've got an idea. This could be a way to beat the Treasury.
- You mean you'll support me? - You've made your point.
We'll give it a try. I'll even read your report. Again!
This could be very interesting. Thank you very much indeed.
But will you support me?
Yeah, well, not publicly.
It would undermine my position, undermine the argument if I supported you from the start.
I have to be seen as the impartial judge swayed by the force of the argument.
Yes, I see that.
But off the record, I'd like to see this pushed very hard indeed.
Make some speeches on it. Peter, thank you very much indeed.
Thank you for your cigarette paper... your paper on cigarettes.
- Is this serious? - What do you mean?
It's always been the practice
to discourage anti-smoking speeches by ministers and not to distribute them.
Well, I want Peter's speeches distributed. I want everybody to know.
Yes, Prime Minister. Do you think you will win this one? The tobacco lobby is very powerful.
Well, some you win, some you lose, Bernard. This one I shall definitely lose.
Then why?
If you were the Treasury, would you rather do without £1.5 billion in tax cuts
or £4 billion in lost tobacco tax revenue?
- The tax cuts. - (PHONE RINGS)
Exactly. That's what I want and that's what I shall get.
- Can Sir Humphrey have a word? - Of course.
Yes, come in, please.
- Prime Minister... - Humphrey.
Did you have an interesting chat with Dr Thorne?
Yes. He proposed the elimination of smoking.
By a campaign of mass hypnosis perhaps!
By raising tobacco taxes sky high and simultaneously banning all advertising.
- I think his position is admirably moral. - Moral perhaps, but extremely silly.
No man in his right mind could contemplate such a proposal.
I'm contemplating it.
Yes, of course, Prime Minister. Please don't misunderstand me.
It is quite right that you should CONTEMPLATE all proposals that come from your government,
but no sane man would ever SUPPORT it.
- I'm supporting it. - And quite right too, Prime Minister.
The only problem is that the tax on tobacco is a major source of revenue for the government.
And a major source of death from diseases.
Yes, but no definite causative link has ever been proved, has it?
- The statistics... - You can prove anything with statistics.
- Even the truth. - Yes... No!
It says here, ''Smoking-related diseases cost the NHS £165 million a year.''
Yes, but we've been into that.
It has been shown that if those extra 100,000 people had lived to a ripe old age,
they would have cost us even more in pensions and social security
than they did in medical treatment.
So financially speaking, it's unquestionably better
that they continue to die at about the present rate.
''When cholera killed 30,000 people in 1833, we got the Public Health Act.
''When smog killed 2,500 people in 1952, we got the Clean Air Act.''
A commercial drug kills half a dozen people and we get it withdrawn from sale.
Cigarettes kill 100,000 people a year and what do we get?
£4 billion a year.
25,000 jobs in the tobacco industry, a flourishing cigarette export business,
helping our balance of trade,
250,000 jobs related to tobacco - newsagents, packaging, transport...
- These figures are just guesses. - No, they're government st... They're facts.
So your statistics are facts and my facts are merely statistics?
I'm on your side. I'm merely giving you some arguments you'll encounter.
Humphrey, I'm so glad to know we'll have support such as yours.
It will be pointed out that the tobacco companies are great sponsors of sport.
Where would the BBC sports programmes be if cigarette companies couldn't advert...
couldn't SPONSOR the events that they televise?
We're talking about 100,000 deaths a year.
Yes, but cigarette taxes pay for a third of the cost of the National Health Service.
We're saving many more lives than we otherwise could
because of those smokers who voluntarily lay down their lives for their friends.
Smokers are national benefactors.
So long as they live!
Not that any definite causal link has ever been proved.
It's time for your next Cabinet committee, then the Minister of Sport wants an urgent word.
- What about? - Sponsorship.
Who tipped him off? He's one of the tobacco lobby.
A member of YOUR government?
Yes, he's Minister for Sport. He has a vested interest. He's also an MP for Nottingham.
Did you tell him? How did he know?
The grapevine perhaps. Prime Minister...
Tell the minister I'll see him at 2.30.
- With pleasure, Prime Minister. - Not with pleasure, but I'll see him anyway.
The Minister for Sport, Prime Minister.
Oh, Leslie, my dear fellow. Hi.
Do you mind if I smoke?
Prime Minister, it's about the rumour
that you intend to make a personal attack on the tobacco industry.
- I hadn't heard that rumour. - It's not true?
The Minister for Health is considering the matter.
There's no smoke without fire.
You'd be consulted. As Minister for Sport, you have an interest.
Never mind sport.
There are marginal seats in Bristol, Nottingham, Glasgow, Basildon and Northern Ireland,
all with tobacco workers.
I've got 4,000 tobacco workers in my constituency. What about my seat?
(COUGHS WHEEZILY)
What about your lungs?
My lungs are fine.
He doesn't breathe through his seat.
Oh, your seat, I see, I'm sorry.
Thank you, Bernard. I see the difficulty, but if something is right for the country,
surely the government must pursue it.
The government must do what's right, but not if it affects marginal constituencies.
- There is a limit. - No decision has been taken.
For the good of the party, you can't do this.
Weren't you a paid consultant to the British Tobacco Group?
Of course, the fact that the BTG did pay me a small retainer,
it's totally beside the point.
They're a very generous corporation with a strong sense of responsibility to the community.
Look at all the money they give to sport!
They just do it to sell more cigarettes.
No, they do it as a service to the community.
Oh, that's all right, then. They can go on giving the money anonymously if they like.
Well, I'm sure they'd be happy to,
provided they could publicise the fact that they were doing it anonymously.
Is it true that Peter Thorne is also trying to change the government health warning?
Is it?
He's proposing something like ''Dying of lung cancer can seriously damage your health''.
It is not true!
If we do nothing, in the next ten years,
in this country we'll have one million premature deaths.
Yes, but evenly spread.
Not just in marginal constituencies.
Listen, Jim, there is no conclusive proof of any causal link
between smoking and...
(COUGHS)
We at the DHSS are profoundly worried about smoking.
And we agree it's our duty to help the Prime Minister achieve his objective,
but with a third of the voters as smokers, I can't raise taxes too high.
The Chancellor won't commit electoral suicide and the inflationary effect is considerable.
There is a moral principle involved.
Moral principle, yes.
We understand the PM's concern. In fact, we earnestly believe in the moral principle.
But where £4 billion of revenue is at stake,
I think we should have to consider very carefully
whether we have the right to indulge ourselves
in the rather selfish luxury of pursuing moral principles.
Where would the arts be without tobacco sponsorship? At the mercy of the Arts Council.
Exactly. Then those silly pressure groups and fanatics like the Royal College of Physicians!
Fanatics!
They want the government to have a policy on the matter.
It would be different if the government were a team,
but in fact they're a loose confederation of warring tribes.
If only the PM could meet the tobacco people, he could see what really nice chaps they were.
And genuinely concerned about the health risks.
There can't be anything wrong with them. BTG have an ex-Permanent Secretary on their board.
- And could well have more. - In the fullness of time.
I think we ought to raise some questions about your minister, Ian.
What does he know about the subject? Peter Thorne is only a doctor.
His sole purpose is keeping people alive!
Must be biased.
Seeing your patients die must emotionally distort your judgement.
It's very understandable, but a great handicap to cool decision-taking.
Very true, but can we find something a bit stronger?
Frank, I think the crucial argument is that we're living in a free country.
We must be free to make our own decisions.
Government shouldn't be a nursemaid. We don't want the nanny state.
- Very good. - Excellent.
The only problem is that is also the argument
for legalising the sale of marijuana, heroin, arsenic and gelignite.
Maybe that's a good idea if we put a big enough tax on them.
- Politically difficult. - Pity.
Yes.
Got it!
When the Prime Minister was Minister for Administrative Affairs,
I used to get him to accompany me on regular visits to Lord's, Wimbledon and Glyndebourne
as a guest of BTG,
so he's thoroughly implicated in receiving hospitality worth hundreds,
possibly thousands from them.
Now, if that were to leak... shocking though a leak would be...
- Oh, shocking. - Shocking.
It'd be profoundly embarrassing for the Prime Minister.
I can't think why I didn't think of it before.
Nor can I.
- Well, Bernard. - Well, Prime Minister.
Very well. Things are going very well indeed.
Oh, good.
I've got the Treasury on the run and the Chancellor.
Is that good? He's in your own government.
Of course it's good. They've got to learn to come to heel and learn to co-operate.
- What do you mean, co-operate? - I mean obey my commands!
I see.
That's what ''co-operate'' means when you're Prime Minister.
Why are these tax cuts in your interest? It's your government too.
Bernard, it's simple. Cutting taxes by £1.5 billion is going to win us masses of votes.
My ministers are interested in getting money for their departments, not in supporting me.
I'm using my support for Peter Thorne as leverage on the Treasury.
- Your loyal support? - Precisely.
In order to get THEIR loyal support.
After you get the tax cut, you will withdraw your support from Peter Thorne?
- Bernard, how can you be so cynical? - (PHONE RINGS)
I shall simply rearrange my priorities.
Sir Humphrey's waiting to see you outside.
Send him in at once.
Yes, Prime Minister. Your word is my co-operation.
- Humphrey! - Prime Minister.
- Everything all right? - Everything is very far from all right.
- What's the trouble? - Your anti-smoking legislation.
What about it?
Notwithstanding the fact that your proposal
could encompass certain concomitant benefits of a peripheral relevance,
there is a countervailing consideration of infinitely superior magnitude,
involving your personal complicity and corroborative malfeasance,
with the consequence that the taint and stigma of your former associations and diversions
could irredeemably and irretrievably invalidate your position
and culminate in public revelations and recriminations of a profoundly embarrassing
and ultimately indefensible character.
Perhaps I could have a précis of that.
- There's nicotine on your hands. - What do you mean?
All the hospitality that we've enjoyed at BTG's expense.
Champagne receptions, the best seats at sporting and cultural events.
- What's the problem? - The tobacco companies may tell the press.
So? I've had drinks at the Soviet embassy. That doesn't make me a Russian spy.
Oh... Well... Oh.
- Does it? - Well, no.
Let them do their worst. Anything else?
Well, Prime Minister, there is another vital point to bear in mind.
A lot of eminent people, influential people
argue that such legislation would be a blow against freedom of choice.
Rubbish! I'm not banning smoking. Does every tax rise represent a blow against freedom?
Well, it depends how big the tax rise is.
Fascinating! Does 20 pence represent a blow against freedom?
- Prime Minister... - 25 pence? 30 pence? 31?
Is something a blow against freedom simply because it can seriously damage your wealth?
I must warn you of the difficulties. I foresee all sorts of unforeseen problems.
Such as?
If I could foresee them, they wouldn't be unforeseen.
You just said you COULD foresee them.
If we could set up an inter-departmental committee,
a Royal Commission, perhaps a Treasury Committee...
- Don't talk to me about the Treasury! - Why not?
The Treasury are blocking my plans for a £1.5 billion tax cut.
If only they could be more...flexible.
Oh...
Well, I don't think they're fully committed on that other matter yet.
Really?
Absolutely not. Oh, no, I'm sure they could find a way.
Could they?
The only stumbling block would be if your anti-smoking proposals went through,
they'd be too busy with those to find a way to help with the other cuts.
Well, of course, my anti-smoking proposals, important though they are,
don't have nearly such a high priority as defence.
Ah.
The Minister of State for Health is here.
Prime Minister, if I might have one or two minutes to make some phone calls. Thank you.
Show him in, Bernard.
- Dr Thorne. - Peter, what can I do for you?
I've just had some very exciting news.
We've got full backing from the BMA and eight top scientific and medical colleges.
Marvellous.
But your legislation can't be put through immediately.
It is announced as government policy within three months, with a White Paper in a year.
Yes, since we spoke, I've encountered a few problems. The Treasury, you know.
- Can't be anything you didn't know already? - Yes. I mean no... Well, yes.
Peter, it's not as simple as you think.
Jim, I really am serious about this.
It's the one really important and worthwhile thing I believe I can do in politics.
If you stall it, I'll have to resign. And say why.
Excuse me, Prime Minister. Could Sir Humphrey see you urgently just for a moment?
- Would you mind waiting outside, Peter? - Of course.
Prime Minister, it's quite all right.
The Treasury have looked at your proposal again and they can encompass your tax cut,
provided no work is needed on the anti-smoking proposal.
That's fine, but there is another complication.
Peter Thorne is going to resign if I drop it,
go to the press and have me condemned by all the doctors and scientists in Britain.
Oh...
Help!
You still have that government vacancy in the Treasury?
You mean...? It's a very big promotion, a very rapid one.
Nevertheless, for a very able minister.
Bernard, get Peter back in here and then get on to the Department of the Environment.
Get Leslie Potts over here at once.
Prime Minister, I think I'll just, erm... If you'll excuse me.
Dr Thorne.
Peter, I've just remembered we still have that vacancy at the Treasury.
I've been racking my brains how to fill it,
but your work on this paper has impressed me enormously.
You're not trying to get rid of me?
Definitely not. Quite the reverse.
It's a terrific step up.
But thoroughly merited.
How can I take it if it means dropping my bill?
Peter, sit down.
Let me be absolutely honest with you.
This legislation would have been...would be... will be very difficult to get through.
The Treasury is the stumbling block, not the Department of Health.
It'll take longer, but if you were inside learning the ropes,
we'd have a much better chance of a watertight, foolproof Act when it gets to the statute book.
- Believe me. - So my proposals aren't dropped?
Absolutely not.
- OK. I'll take the Treasury job. - Good.
Thanks a lot. Goodbye, Prime Minister.
That leaves us with a vacancy at the Department of Health. Now...
The Minister for Sport is here, Prime Minister.
- Come in. - Mr Potts!
Leslie! My dear chap.
Sit down. Now...
How would you like to be Minister of Health?
- Me? - Yes.
Well...
It's a considerable promotion.
But thoroughly merited.
You're very suitable for the job. You're not one of the medical lobby like Dr Peter Thorne.
Well, of course I can't refuse it. Thank you, Prime Minister.
Humphrey, meet our new Minister for Health.
Oh, congratulations.
I don't want the job if it means attacking the tobacco industry.
Ah, but it wouldn't.
You see, Leslie, we in government have to be realists.
I want you to work WITH the tobacco industry.
They're only trying to sort out the problems.
They've got huge resources, nice chaps, caring people and really fabulous employers.
They are really trying to help.
I want you to work with the industry, not against it.
- (COUGHS) - All right?
What did he say?
I think he said, ''Yes, Prime Minister.''
Could your political adviser have a word?
Yes, of course. Dorothy!
I've hardly seen you since I moved in.
I used to be in the office next door to this room.
You had me moved to the front of the building, up three floors, along the corridor,
round the corner and four doors along to the right...next to the photocopier.
- I thought you'd gone on holiday. - I might as well be!
I came back from my weekend
and found my office turned into a waiting room for ministers and officials.
Humphrey said it was on your instructions. Was it?
No... Well, yes. No. Yes.
Humphrey had this plan for rationalisation, to make better use of the space.
The Civil Service have been trying to get me out of that office for three years!
Why?
Because it's in the key strategic position. It's the best-placed room in the house.
I don't see what difference it makes.
This file is the Cabinet Room where we are now. Through the doors is your private office.
This ruler is the corridor from the front door here
and this corridor runs from the Cabinet Room and connects up to the locked green baize door,
on the other side of which is the Cabinet Office.
This coffee cup is the staircase up to your study
and this saucer is the gents' loo.
And this is...was my office, and my desk faced out into the lobby
and I always kept my door open.
What could I see?
Well, you could see everyone who comes in through the front door
or from the Cabinet Office or the Cabinet Room or the private office...
Or up the staircase. Hmm.
And I was opposite the gents' loo. I have to be opposite the loo!
Have you seen anyone about this?
The gents' loo. Almost everyone in the Cabinet is a man.
I could hear everything they said to each other when they popped out of Cabinet for a pee.
I was able to keep the last Prime Minister fully informed about all their little foibles.
- Was it any of his business? - When they were plotting against him, yes.
Bernard, come in here, please.
Dorothy, you may have your room back.
Bernard, I want you to put Dorothy back into her old office.
Oh, you mean carry her there?
No, I mean return Dorothy to the waiting room outside here.
Before she goes back to HER office, you mean?
No, I mean that the waiting room that was once Dorothy's office will again be Dorothy's office.
But what about the waiting room?
Pay attention. Watch my lips move.
The waiting room will become Dorothy's office.
- Yes, but what about waiting? - No, Bernard, at once.
Yes, Prime Minister, I realise you mean at once, no waiting,
but I mean where will people wait if there's no waiting room?
The place is full of waiting rooms. There are state rooms upstairs. There's a lobby there.
Where?
Between the ashtray, the coffee cup and the saucer.
Between the ashtray, the coffee cup and the saucer?
The saucer is the gents' loo. Wake up, Bernard!
Hello, Bill. The PM wants Mrs Wainwright moved back to her old office...
What? Withdraw those instructions at once!
- But the PM just told me to... - Withdraw those instructions!
Bill, hold it. I'll get back.
- Explain yourself. - The PM said to move Mrs Wainwright back.
- There's nothing to explain. - There is everything to explain!
We've striven for years to get that woman out. You've snatched defeat from the jaws of victory!
We can't stop the Prime Minister taking advice.
We are here to see that the Prime Minister is not confused.
Politicians are simple people, Bernard. They like simple choices, clear guidance.
They don't like doubt - and that impossible woman makes him doubt everything we tell him!
But he likes her.
Samson liked Delilah.
Good morning, dear lady. This is indeed a pleasure.
Hello, Humphrey. Why aren't you waiting in the waiting room?
Bernard, there is one other thing.
- An alien was admitted yesterday. - An alien?
The Prime Minister's constituency agent was allowed into Number 10 with no security pass.
The police outside recognised him.
That is irrelevant. Everyone must have their Number 10 pass. See to it!
Excuse me for butting in, Bernard,
but the PRIME MINISTER wants me to make arrangements with you to move my room back.
I've just got to deal with Sir Humphrey's request about security passes.
- That can wait. - No, it can't!
The Prime Minister wants me to move back down here right away.
Ah, yes, well, erm...
Prime Minister...
Excuse me. I understand you're having second thoughts about our office reorganisation plan.
Just moving Mrs Wainwright into her old office.
No, Prime Minister, the whole reorganisation depends upon her moving out.
- It's only a waiting room. - A vital square on the board.
Well, people can wait in the lobby or in the staterooms.
Some people. But some people must wait where other people cannot see the people waiting.
And people who arrive before other people must wait where they cannot see other people
who arrive after them being admitted before them.
And people from outside must wait where they cannot see the people from inside
coming to tell you what the people from outside want to see you about.
And people who arrive when you are with people they should not know you have seen
must wait somewhere until the people who shouldn't have seen you have seen you.
Sounds like an entire Whitehall farce going on out there!
Prime Minister, Number 10 is a railway junction.
It cannot work without its proper components of sheds and sidings and turntables.
Mrs Wainwright's office is a vital shed.
- I find her advice valuable. - And of course it is!
And you shall have it on paper.
And if you wish for verbal advice, you can always send for her.
The whole Cabinet can give you political advice.
They advise me to give more money to their departments. I need someone on my side.
But I'm on your side.
The whole Civil Service is on your side.
680,000 of us. Surely that's enough to be going on with.
- All giving the same advice. - Which proves that it must be correct.
Can we return to our original reorganisation plan?
Oh, all right, I suppose so, yes.
It's a pleasure to have a decisive Prime Minister who knows his own mind.
Bernard, find Mrs Wainwright for me, please.
- She's here arranging to move rooms. - Ask her to come back in.
Prime Minister...
Ah...Dorothy!
I...
What did you want to talk about?
- It's about your office. I changed my mind. - Has someone else changed it for you?
No, we really need that waiting room there.
Why?
Because if people come to see people who people didn't know people were coming...
That is, if people saw people coming before people saw them seeing people,
people would see people
and the whole ship would go off the rails.
You see.
Did you work all that out for yourself?
I can't go into everything personally. I must rely on advice from my officials.
Yes, but Humphrey wants to cut off all your sources of information and advice,
except the Civil Service, and make himself the only channel for that.
- If you're happy to let him have his own way... - No, no, no, you're right.
You must have your office back. I need you to be available.
The only trouble is I've just told Humphrey I've changed my mind.
- Tell him you've changed it back. - I can't sack Humphrey.
- No, but you could clip his wings a bit. - How?
Stop him coming in and going out as if he owned the place.
- He works here. - He works in the Cabinet Office!
This is your home.
Oh.
And on top of all his other jobs, he's also Head of the Home Civil Service, isn't he?
He's responsible for personnel, promotions and appointments and so on.
Pay and rations are the responsibility of the Permanent Head of the Treasury.
So the Head of the Civil Service's job is split between Sir Humphrey and Sir Frank.
Suppose you were to take away his half of the job and give it all to Sir Frank?
Dorothy...that's brilliant.
Bernard, is Sir Humphrey still with you?
Ask him to come back in, would you?
Brilliant.
Prime Minister?
Humphrey, erm... I'm thinking of giving Mrs Wainwright her old office back after all.
- Prime Minister... - Yes?
Could we speak privately about this?
You can speak freely in front of me.
Well, I...
I need time to see whether it's practicable.
All right. But it had better be.
It...might be.
Meantime, I have another important matter to discuss. Would you excuse us?
Dear lady...
- Humphrey, sit down. - Thank you, Prime Minister.
I've been thinking. I feel I ought to try and lighten your load.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no. No, there's no need.
There is, Humphrey. Apart from everything else, you're Head of the Civil Service.
The Treasury handle pay and rations.
You handle promotions and appointments. It's a bit much.
No, no, no. No, no, no. Hardly takes any time. A doddle.
The promotion and appointment of 680,000 people a doddle?
Well, it's delegated.
If it's delegated already, there'll be no problem about moving it all to the Treasury?
No, that's impossible! The Treasury already have far too much power...work.
Yes, but you see,
with you responsible for promotions and appointments and them for pay and rations,
the lines of authority are unclear, it's a bit unsatisfactory.
Well, I could take over pay and rations too.
On top of everything else? Humphrey, I couldn't allow you to make that sort of sacrifice.
It's no trouble at all.
You're too noble, Humphrey, but I can see through your arguments.
Can you?
You want to sacrifice yourself in order to spare me worry, don't you?
Oh, yes.
No, no, no. It's hardly any... It's no sacrifice at all.
Humphrey, the more I think of it, the more I think you've got a bit too much on your plate.
I shouldn't keep you here any longer. You must have so much work to do in your own office.
- You mean...? - I mean you may now leave.
If you're wanted again at Number 10, you will be sent for.
- You mean when? - I mean when.
And if.
Bernard...
Would you ask Sir Frank Gordon from the Treasury to see me as soon as possible?
The Permanent Secretary of the Treasury, Prime Minister.
I don't want Humphrey putting his head round the door.
- I'll do my best. - That may not be good enough.
Dorothy tells me that technically Humphrey's supposed to phone you
before he comes through to Number 10.
Perhaps in theory, but it's just a formality.
Good. Humphrey likes formality.
Yes, Prime Minister, but it's a custom more honoured in the breach than in the observance.
Must you and Humphrey always express yourself in this roundabout and pompous way?
''More honoured in the breach than in the observance!''
Must you destroy the most beautiful language in the world, the language of Shakespeare?
That IS Shakespeare, Prime Minister.
I'll give Sir Humphrey your message.
Sit down, Frank.
- I wanted to sound you out about something. - Of course, Prime Minister.
I'm wondering if Humphrey hasn't got rather too much on his plate.
- I'm sure he can manage. Tremendously able. - He's not overstretched?
No, got it all under control. No problem there.
Because I was wondering, speculating about his position as Head of the Civil Service.
Ah.
It could make some sense if everything were to be transferred to the Treasury
if you think you could do part of Humphrey's job?
Oh...
Yes, that could make a lot of sense.
But if, as you say, he's not overstretched...
When I say ''not overstretched'',
I was talking in the sense of total, cumulative loading taken globally,
rather than in respect of certain individual and essentially anomalous responsibilities
which are not, logically speaking, consonant or harmonious
with the broad spectrum of intermeshing functions
and could be said to place an excessive burden on the office
when considered in relation to the exiguous advantages of their overall centralisation.
You COULD do part of Humphrey's job.
Ah, hello. May I speak to Sir Humphrey, please?
- Yes, Bernard. - Oh, hello, Sir Humphrey.
Oh, Sir Humphrey, hello.
- Hello. - Bernard here.
So I see.
- You're just the person I want to talk to. - Here I am in person. Even better.
Well, yes and no. Erm, Sir Humphrey...
Yes, Bernard?
The Prime Minister has asked me to remind you that it might be more convenient,
that is, it might involve you in less hanging around...
..if you were to phone through from the Cabinet Office before popping over to see us.
- It's not inconvenient at all. - Yes, it is.
- No, it isn't. - Yes, it is.
- Is the Prime Minister busy? - Yes.
- With what? - Just paperwork.
- I'll just have a word with him. - He's doing his paperwork with somebody.
- He's got somebody with him? - Yes.
Who? Who, Bernard?
- Permanent Secretary of the Treasury. - I see.
If you want to see the Prime Minister, it is better to phone and ask. Sir Humphrey, no!
If you were to become Head of the Home Civil Service, would there, do you think, be any...?
- Humphrey! - Prime Minister...
What are you doing here?
I was just wondering if I could be of service.
- Didn't Bernard tell you I was in a meeting? - Yes, he did.
Well, what do you want?
Well, I thought that as it was with one of my professional colleagues that I might be...
Hello, Frank!
..might be able to make a contribution.
I see. No, thank you.
Ah.
- Thank you, Humphrey. - Thank YOU, Prime Minister.
This is a private meeting, Humphrey.
- Do you want me to shut the door? - Yes, please.
No, Humphrey.
From the other side.
- May one ask why? - Perhaps I should leave...
- Humphrey, please leave now. - In what sense do you mean ''leave''?
Go!
Very well, Prime Minister.
You too, please, Frank. We'll continue this on another occasion. Bernard!
Why did you let Sir Humphrey come in when I told you not to?
I couldn't stop him. He's bigger than me.
He must be confined to the Cabinet Office. Lock the communicating door.
- He has a key. - Take his key away from him.
You take his key away from him!
Sorry, but I don't think it's within my power.
I'm giving you the power, Bernard. I'm authorising you.
But I don't know whether I... I mean...
Crikey!
He'll go completely potty.
(CHUCKLES)
- It's up to you, Bernard. - Yes, but...
- Freedom, Bernard. - Yes, but...
- I'm authorising you, Bernard. - Yes.
You alone will have access to the Prime Minister.
But...
But me no buts, Bernard... Shakespeare.
No, Prime Minister, ''but me no buts'' is circa 1820.
Mrs Centlivre used the phrase in 1708, but it was Scott's employment of it in 1816
which made it fashionable.
Shall we keep to the point, please, Bernard?
Yes, Prime Minister. There's only one problem.
If I'm to take his key away from him, what reason can I possibly give?
- For God's sake, find a reason! - Yes! Yes, Prime Minister.
- Thank you, Prime Minister. - Thank me no thankings, Bernard.
Hacker.
Hello, Bernard?
It's me. I'm coming through to Number 10. I'd like a word with the Prime Minister.
- What did you say? - I said ''no'', Sir Humphrey.
- No? - Yes.
That's better. I thought you said ''no''.
I did say ''no''. The Prime Minister is busy.
- Then I'll come and see YOU. - I'm busy too.
What?
- You do not have permission to come in. - I'm coming anyway! You little runt!
- He couldn't believe it. - What did he say?
He's coming anyway. He can't come in. I told Security to take his key from his office.
- My God! - No, Bernard, it's just your boss.
- I'm staggered. - I'm fairly surprised myself.
- How did you get through a solid door? - Where's my key?
The Prime Minister told me to have it removed.
- That's quite correct. - It's nothing to do with you. Thank you.
The Prime Minister does not have the power to take my key.
- It's his house. - It's a government building.
It's his decision who comes into his house. I don't give my mother-in-law my house key.
I am not the Prime Minister's mother-in-law, Bernard!
Look, Bernard...
- Would you excuse us, dear lady? - Yes, carry on.
Bernard, I don't want us to fall out over this.
It's so petty of the Prime Minister.
You and I will have to work together for some years yet, but Prime Ministers come and go.
Whereas your career prospects depend upon those who have the power
over promotions and appointments on a long-term basis.
I must insist you tell me how you came in.
- Sorry. - You must have a personal key.
Now, I insist you hand it over!
Well done, Bernard.
Hello, is that Security?
Change the locks on the door connecting the Cabinet Office to this house
and bring me all the keys.
Yes, all the keys! At once!
Right, well, thank you, gentlemen.
- Oh, Frank! - Yes?
Good meeting with the PM?
Yes, very good.
Any particular subject come up?
Any particular subject you're interested in?
No, not particularly.
- He didn't talk about service appointments? - It may have cropped up.
Did he foreshadow any redistribution of responsibility?
It was a wide-ranging discussion.
Did it move towards any conclusion?
There were arguments on both sides.
Evenly balanced?
Perhaps tending slightly more one way than the other.
- But nothing to worry about? - Nothing for ME to worry about.
See you this afternoon.
Bernard, I'm coming through to Number 10.
Sir Humphrey, it is not convenient.
I'm coming anyway!
He thinks he's coming anyway.
Open this door! Open this door!
You'll pay for this! Open the bloody door!
I'm sorry, sir. Do you have an appointment?
- I'm Sir Humphrey Appleby. - I know. Do you have an appointment?
- I'm the Cabinet Secretary! - Yes, sir. Do you have an appointment?
I don't need an appointment. I've got a pass!
May I see it, sir?
If you insist.
All right now?
No, sir, that's a Cabinet Office pass, not a Number 10 pass.
- You know me, damn it! - There's a new top security instruction, sir.
No one may enter without a Number 10 pass unless they're on the daily list.
Unless Mr Bernard Woolley gives permission.
- Would you like me to phone Mr Woolley, sir? - Yes... No.
- Yes. - Was that a ''yes'', sir?
Yes.
I have Sir Humphrey Appleby here wishing to enter by the front door.
Ask Mr Woolley if he may be admitted.
(RADIO CRACKLES)
They can't find Mr Woolley at the moment and he left no word, so we can't let you in.
Oh, look, it's Humphrey!
(ALARM GOES OFF)
- Turn that noise off! - It's all right. It's only Sir Humphrey.
(PRIME MINISTER) It's all right. I'm perfectly safe!
(ALARM STOPS)
Sir Humphrey, to what do we owe this pleasure?
Prime Minister, I must protest in the strongest possible terms...
my profound opposition to a newly instituted practice
which imposes severe and intolerable restrictions
upon the ingress and egress of senior members of the hierarchy
which will, should the current deplorable innovation be perpetuated,
precipitate a constriction of the channels of communication
and culminate in organisational atrophy and administrative paralysis
which will render impossible the coherent discharge of the function of government
within Her Majesty's United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland.
You mean you've lost your key?
Prime Minister, I must insist upon a new one.
In due course, Humphrey. At the appropriate juncture. In the fullness of time.
Meanwhile, we have another important, more urgent decision to make about Dorothy's office.
- Quite. - Surely that can wait.
It must be resolved now, one way or the other.
It's like the question of the key really.
I'd be interested to hear your views.
They are really the KEY to the problem.
What do you think?
Well, I...
I think perhaps on reflection that Mrs Wainwright does need to be nearer this room.
So we'll move her back, shall we?
Yes.
At once?
Yes.
Splendid. Bernard, do you have a spare key?
Prime Minister...
There is...one other question, Prime Minister.
May one enquire who is to be Head of the Home Civil Service?
Why, you, Humphrey.
Or possibly Frank.
Or perhaps both. I haven't decided yet.
But whatever happens, it's my decision.
Isn't it, Humphrey?
Yes, Prime Minister.